Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

The stuff about the cleaning would put me off tbf.

That’s too pass-agg. And I hate cleaning and would never expect a guest to do it.

@mathanxiety

But the friends were never anticipating spending a lot of time with the OP, only a couple of meals together. She was going to be spending a lot of her time doing her own thing! Surely it actually makes sense for her to have another friend come with her?

And she has effectively told them that she doesn't value their company as much as their cottage, that her friendship with the Greek holiday person means more to her than her friendship with the cottage people.

Until this morning's little bombshell I valued their company and their friendship every bit as much as I always have. If I've invited a friend to come and stay with me and they say they'd love to come and they wonder whether it would be possible for a friend of theirs who's had to cancel their holiday to come along too because they think I'd like the friend and they think the friend would really appreciate a few days away it says nothing about the esteem that they hold me in. It just means that with a bit of luck three people get to have a good time instead of just two, and two of them have the opportunity to make a new friend.

If I'm right in what I have read £500 to stay in settle is a ripoff there is absolutely nothing up there it's beyond boring, like others said book to go somewhere else honestly

No, it looks as if you are using their holiday cottage to enhance your friendship with Greek holiday woman, and changing the nature of the reconnection they were hoping for with you.

The cottage is their business, and they were happy to have you use it out of friendship and to further your friendship with them. When you turned it into an alternative holiday for your friend, you were confusing their business with your friendship with the cottage owners, and telling them that you value your Greek holiday friendship more than the relationship you have with them.

Foisting your friend on them in their own property on the back of an invitation they extended to you is not an opportunity for them to make a new friend. It's presumptuous on your part. If they wanted to make a new friend, they could have gone out and got one of their own. If they were open to the idea of you bringing someone else along they would have urged you to bring someone else if you wished.

Even if you think they are being CF, you offered to pay the full rate when you asked if Greek holiday lady could come. If you didn't want to pay anything, why plant the seed?

@MurielSpriggs

Drink the whisky, eat the sausages and tell them to fuck off!

This! Cheeky bastards!

Honestly I think I'd look elsewhere. The relationship between you and them is completely soured.
You are pissed of that many favours to them have been thrown back in your face. They think your cheeky bringing a pal.

Never mix business with pleasure.

Walk away, find somewhere else. They aren't true friends I'd cut back the amount of contact you have with them.

You came to a mutual agreement after some changes and counter offers.

That agreement should've stood. Them changing it is greedy.

I would cancel and find a nice last minute deal with your other friends, probably said this last minute to so you can't really say no, but you can say no.

You have done nothing wrong op - they have behaved appallingly. I just can’t imagine charging someone in this situation and I have a holiday home people / family regularly stay at. Personally there is no way I would stay there now - I just wouldn’t feel comfortable as the dynamic has totally changed. They are not happy , I expect someone has got in their ear - people seem to be obsessed at being taken advantage of - except for women who seem to attract Cocklodgers at pace on this site !

You are obviously sounding pissed off with them now, however sending them a message saying that you are too busy to discuss it for a few days is equally rude I feel.

just cancel.. then they can Rent it out 🌸

Why are people criticising OP for offering to pay and then being unhappy or unable to do so? It clearly isn't about the payment of money, but the moving of the goalposts.

If they'd been upfront at the beginning and replied to OP's offer with "Well, we rely on our cottage income for our livelihood and the going rate is normally £1,000 a week - so would it be OK if we go halves and you give us £500?", I doubt there would have been any issue at all. It's the effusive (over)generosity and then suddenly withdrawing it that is so off.

Besides, if they think it's normal to charge in this situation, why have they never offered to pay OP when staying with her on multiple occasions?

Reminds me of an old CF thread, where OP and family had provided free accommodation, much food and travel for a 'friend' for a week and he had bought himself a frozen supermarket freezer at one stage (just one for him, mind - not enough for his very generous hosts too) - and then, at the end, when he was leaving and hadn't had chance to eat it, he actually asked OP to repay him the couple of quid that he paid for it.

I understand how the mix up happened. The OP changed the dynamics and turned the invitation to visit friends into an invitation to use the cottage. The OP is the one who is out of order.

The fee isn't about the cost of utilities. It is about using the property as a holiday let instead of seeing that staying in the cottage was an extension of offering you a spare bedroom. Would you have asked them to host your friend in a spare bedroom? No.

As for the revenge theory, that is game playing and you are not coming across well.

Either pay the 500 pounds, return the whiskey and enjoy sharing the food you ordered or send them an email declining their offer. You haven't behaved well OP.

@lyntheyresexpeople

What is it with people being shaky over ridiculous things on mumsnet - feeling sick and shaking over being asked to pay for a holiday you invited someone else on, how dramatic can you get?

I don't think its unreasonable to feel sick and shaky when you're expected to pay out £500 that you hadn't accounted for . Unless you've got an endless supply of money a lot of people would feel this way!!

@OneAugustNight

I would cancel.

Me, too.

I'd write them a lovely note saying that unfortunately their change of mind caught you by surprise at this late date, and you're SO very sorry but just can't do it.

I wish you would have mentioned, though, how much you would have been prepared to spend.

@BoredZelda

They offered it to you because you were a friend. You decided to give your mate a free holiday too. I expect, after they declined, they realised, or someone pointed out to them, that what you had done was quite cheeky so they decided to take you up on your offer of paying rent, but even then only charged you half.

This

I would totally feel the same way too

I think it was disrespectful to invite a stranger to a friend's place who has been wanting to catch up with you

So since you decided to turn it a bit "transactional" they thought they should do the same

Realistically, as people aren't travelling abroad so much, they could probably rent this property out easily. Therefore, by letting you have it for free means they are losing lots of money. No doubt they would accept this if it was just you going, as they'd originally invited you. However, this situation has now changed by you taking a friend.

... I should have said that one of the reasons they are charging you is because your friend's Greek holiday has been cancelled. They could feel that it's not right that she's getting refunded and then getting their place for free!

I understand how the mix up happened. The OP changed the dynamics and turned the invitation to visit friends into an invitation to use the cottage. The OP is the one who is out of order.

I do get this, but I don't get waiting a month to tell the OP that they would be charging her. If they had a problem with it, they should have said at the time.

They said it was fine and they'd be no charge, they then waited a month until just before the visit and then dropped the bombshell that they would be charging after all. that is the unfair part.

OP just because you will be happy to host a friend of a friend doesn’t mean everybody should. You say you have a lot of history with them and it might be that given the history and your help in the past they felt obliged to reply it is ok. Having thought about it they still felt uncomfortable with the decision and remembering that initially you offered full price of rental and cleaning they gave you reduced price.
I also am not sure if I understand why you feel so offended given that you offered to pay full price. What if they replied then accepting your offer to pay? Would you have been less offended or you didn’t really mean it when you offered money?

I think your friends are cheeky fuckers to be honest. £500 for bills and utilities? In Settle? For a few days? What a joke.

I simply wouldn’t go. I’d book elsewhere and cancel with them altogether. Sounds like they got wind of how pricey UK based vacations are now and are trying to cash in. Appalling behaviour towards a friend.

@ploomo have you decided what you are going to do?

@icedcoffees

I’ve had friends do exactly that and was delighted they were able to enjoy their break with someone else.

But that's you, not everyone is the same when it comes to socialising with new people, and not everyone feels comfortable hosting strangers on that level.

However if they’d looked after my daughter and driven her 300 miles I’d have offered up front and probably out some nice alcohol and perhaps a charcuterie to welcome them

But it's not up to OP to decide where they should extend their kindness. That's their decision alone. They offered their house for free to OP for a week - she didn't have the right to extend that invite to someone else too.

But, you know, horses for courses. I think OP’s friends have just given her the price - $500 - of their friendship.

Equally, it could feel to them that OP has decided they're not worth bothering with unless her and her friend can get a free holiday out of it.

Well then they should have said at the outset.

If they've got the brass neck to charge her for it, then I can't believe they're such sensitive flowers that they couldn't say, 'we'd prefer it if you didn't bring your friend'.

OP, you sound like a lovely, generous friend. They sound grabby. I can't imagine charging a friend, anyway, let alone when you've been kind to them and hosted both them and their daughter. Maybe they've been doing pretty well since lockdown ended and they didn't want to miss out on a week.

I couldn't ever feel the same about them because they sound like they just have different values to you.

Quite simply I wouldn't go, I have friends come to visit, and occasionally they will bring another friend. It actually takes the pressure of me being the 'tourist' Guide, and it's good to meet new people.

I would never ever in a million years invite a friend, and a companion and then ask for money. I'm sorry but it's greedy and just not in the spirit of being a 'friend' it's also absolutely an astronomical sum "to cover bills" ohh what absolute tosh.

They have more front that Blackpool, save your money, and go somewhere else. Your friend will understand I'm sure, and cancel the gifts they don't deserve them.