Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

This happened to me. Only I didn’t change the terms of the agreement. The people offering just decided they would charge after all. We had already paid for flights so stumped up. It was a cheap holiday but we wouldn’t have gone if we thought we’d have to pay for accommodation as it wasn’t a place we would have chosen.
I wouldn’t go. Cancel the whisky etc and go somewhere else with your friend.

I’d cancel as a matter of principle, if they would of replied when you mentioned bringing a friend that 500 was required, personally I’d never charge a friend, but I get my head around it.What I don’t like, is them having thought about it and seen pound signs.Utilities are not that expensive 100 quid more like it, including the cleaning.Probably had an enquiry about a booking for that date and realise you being there for nothing means they lose out. They would also lose my friendship.

I think they're BU but as you offered to pay, take linen and clean you're on a sticky wicket. I think I would go for the cheapish holiday (you've said your friend doesn't mind paying her way), take the whisky back and enjoy the charcuterie yourselves. Lesson learned.

I don't think YWBU to ask if your friend could go.

I'd always welcome a friend of a friend. Isn't this how we meet new people? I'd assume they're up for spending time together too.

This is how I see it too. I've met fascinating people through friends and have often had friends and their friends to stay without a second thought. It makes it so much easier for the host and the guest if the guest comes with a friend. But then I don't see things in terms of 'freebies' and the kind of transactional 'if you've done this then you're owed that' terms that apparently so many people do.

Because they probably felt really awkward being asked in the first place! I don't think there's anyone alive who hasn't agreed to go along with something for an easy life, then regretted it afterwards.

These two are people who wouldn't have had any problem saying no. There wasn't a hint of disapproval before today. A flat no wasn't needed: any gentle indication that they were unhappy with the situation and I'd have recognised it. We've known each other for decades. Their original positive responses were exactly what I would have expected from them, which is why today's little bomb came as a shock.

My not-going-to-Greece friend is really laid back about the situation and says she's not going to feel let down or offended whatever decision I take. I've messaged back this evening that I'm busy with Bank Holiday things and will respond in the next few days, making the point that it's not just me who needs to be involved in the decision. I'm increasingly inclined to organise an independent holiday for the two of us, free of any sense of obligation.

Is one of them a vicar by any chance we have had very similar happen to us.

So why did you offer to pay the full price then?

And why is it now a problem to pay 50%?

Be honest, your offer was disingenuous - you only offered so they would feel duty bound to say no.

Im not surprised they thought about it and took you up on it!

If someone invites you to say I don’t think it’s generally accepted to bring a friend that they don’t know. However you did ask and they did welcome it so to ask for money now is out of order. A holiday property that rents for 1k during the summer generally doesn’t command anything near that in September. And they’re expecting you to deep clean and bring linen, it’s not really a token amount it sounds like you’re being charged the full rate!

Honestly I wouldn’t be going and I wouldn’t be friends any longer. You and your friend should book a hotel someplace nice and drink the whiskey. It’s very rude on their part!

It's an awful situation to be in. Are they good friends to you? It sounds like they are getting more out of it.

I wouldn’t stay with them in this situation as a lot of PPs indicated you would be changing from a friend to paying guest and what’s more you would get a discount with unclear terms. You would resent your stay.
I would take your friend completely out of the picture and follow their lead about rental income and so on. I would txt that you don’t want to deprive them of their possible income, it would be unfair so you would stay elsewhere and see them for dinner or see them another time when you are in the area.

By the way I don’t think that you are CF, not at all. People who are saying you haven’t visited them for 5 years are wrong. We’ve had Covid for nearly 2 years and they visited you, and you’ve helped their daughter when she’s in a difficult situation. Yes, for some people the idea of bringing a friend will look offensive but for other it will be exciting opportunity to meet new people. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with it but my sister would be absolutely fine. I’m sure you wouldn’t even ask me about this but you knew that it’s ok to ask your friends. They could say no straight away.

@ploomo

I'd always welcome a friend of a friend. Isn't this how we meet new people? I'd assume they're up for spending time together too.

This is how I see it too. I've met fascinating people through friends and have often had friends and their friends to stay without a second thought. It makes it so much easier for the host and the guest if the guest comes with a friend. But then I don't see things in terms of 'freebies' and the kind of transactional 'if you've done this then you're owed that' terms that apparently so many people do.

Because they probably felt really awkward being asked in the first place! I don't think there's anyone alive who hasn't agreed to go along with something for an easy life, then regretted it afterwards.

These two are people who wouldn't have had any problem saying no. There wasn't a hint of disapproval before today. A flat no wasn't needed: any gentle indication that they were unhappy with the situation and I'd have recognised it. We've known each other for decades. Their original positive responses were exactly what I would have expected from them, which is why today's little bomb came as a shock.

My not-going-to-Greece friend is really laid back about the situation and says she's not going to feel let down or offended whatever decision I take. I've messaged back this evening that I'm busy with Bank Holiday things and will respond in the next few days, making the point that it's not just me who needs to be involved in the decision. I'm increasingly inclined to organise an independent holiday for the two of us, free of any sense of obligation.

TBH, I think you've all done things in this scenario which aren't perfect, and given holidays should be relaxing and stress free - it would be easiest to just start again.

Plan a holiday with your not-going-to-Greece friend somewhere else, and cancel on your holiday cottage friends in a non-passive aggressive way. Let your friends rent out the cottage for full market rates. They'll get their cash, and you and your other mate will get a nice holiday.

Leave some time for the dust to settle, and plan to visit your holiday cottage friends another time, on your own. Don't suggest bringing someone with you again, now that you know it doesn't sit right with them. Be more upfront next time: 'Shall I stay with you in the main house and treat you to dinner, or should I look to rent somewhere nearby instead if you want the space? I know the cottage is really popular, so I can stay somewhere else if you think it's likely to get booked at that time of year. Have a think, and we can lock in some plans when you decide!'

Handle this carefully, and you can walk away from this botched holiday still friends with everyone.

You might need to ask to get this thread deleted though; it's pretty specific, and reading about it might sour relations further.

I'm increasingly inclined to organise an independent holiday for the two of us, free of any sense of obligation.

This is absolutely what I’d do.

So they’ve invited you on several occasions to stay, then you arrange to stay for your hols, offer to pay, they decline, then they are seemingly fine with you bringing a friend and then completely change their minds and charge you, under the guise that it’s to cover costs? £500 is a crazy amount for electricity and water etc. I would pull politely pull out, find somewhere else where you can pay and have no obligation to the host. It sounds as though if you continue with this it will be a very awkward holiday for you. I also don’t think you were unreasonable to invite your friend, it was only after you made sure they were 100 % ok with it. Also sounds like you’ve been a great friend helping their daughter when she was in need. Not a great way for them to be treating you.

And that’s really good advice from @thebeatingofthedrums.

Definitely don’t go, they are not friends.

If you absolutely have to go now then say that on reflection if they are charging g you that much which you assume that price will include linen, duvets and cleaning.

Agree with the sound and reasonable advice of @thebeatingofthedrums

But the friends were never anticipating spending a lot of time with the OP, only a couple of meals together. She was going to be spending a lot of her time doing her own thing! Surely it actually makes sense for her to have another friend come with her?

And she has effectively told them that she doesn't value their company as much as their cottage, that her friendship with the Greek holiday person means more to her than her friendship with the cottage people.

My first thought was they are being unreasonable but unless they suggested you bring a friend then you did change the circumstances by asking to bring a friend for a holiday

I think it's a bit mean of them tbh. When you're staying as a friend, it's never really free anyway as you tend to over compensate with generous gifts, (bottles of whiskey,) paying for dinner out etc. Them charging you to stay will probably complicate that dynamic completely. I think I'd cancel and go somewhere else with my friend if I were you.- then maybe visit solo at a later date. You can just tell them you've had a change of plan this time without going into it too much. Personally, I could never charge a friend.

Don't go. I think no matter what you do now, it will be awkward and could potentially cause ill feeling.

Tell them thanks for the offer but something has come up and you can no longer come and stay. Wish them well and hope to see you next year etc.

@LimeRedBanana

I'm increasingly inclined to organise an independent holiday for the two of us, free of any sense of obligation.

This is absolutely what I’d do.

yip

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You offered to contribute a while ago and have obviously spent your money/budget accordingly and now all of a sudden they want money? How would it sit if you were staying somewhere totally different and they increased the rate by £500!?! I would call their bluff. I would respond explaining that whilst you understand and were more then happy to pay initially, you now can't afford it as you have managed your budget differently so may have to cancel.
I think it's so unfair and I would be really annoyed!

I think if I invited a friend to stay and then they invited someone I didn't know to come along, I would feel pressured to say it was fine, but it would change the dynamic of the visit and feel a bit disappointing.

On the other hand, to go from "It's fine!" to "That will be £500 please!" is a bit much. Is it possible to take the whisky back? I would not hand over such a generous gift. They can buy their own with your money...

Maybe just cancel altogether and get an Air B'n'B with your friend somewhere else? You could be a bit snidey and tell your friends that you found somewhere nicer to spend your £500.

I’m thinking that I would be inclined to cancel on this occasion and go somewhere else independently with this other friend.

Whatever the rights and wrongs between you and these friends in Settle, I think it would be better to go on your own another time, as it will probably be a bit awkward between you right now. (Settle is a beautiful place btw, it’s a favourite haunt for my my DH and me. )

As you are going for a full week and potentially that is a booking they may have gained..the financial impact probably dawned on them closer to the time...im sure they would have declined your offer if you were only staying but you arent. The costs of stay cations are really high so I think...advise your friend of the change and contribution ..then see what happens