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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/08/2021 21:39

@WhoIsPepeSilva

So glad I could be of assistance Grin

notthemum · 29/08/2021 21:40

I agree with AzureTwist, but would not be taking them out to dinner. I had thought you a bit cheeky to have asked about your friend but after they, readily agreed and then reading they wanted to change things after what you had done for them they are definitely CFS.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 29/08/2021 21:40
Grin
Starryskiesinthesky · 29/08/2021 21:43

@Starryskiesinthesky

I do think it was a mistake to offer to pay as now they think it’s reasonable to charge you. I wouldn’t want to go now tho - it would leave a bad taste. I think going back to saying you are staying on your own might be complicated. What if they still want to charge you? Then you are going to find it hard to say no to that!

Could you just be honest and say that you have bought them some gifts and were planning to take them out and now you’re not sure what to do?

And also that you have told your friend it would be free so feel awkward about now charging her.
TatianaBis · 29/08/2021 21:43

@UnGoogled

That you do not feel able to ask your friend for payment at this last hour without seeming to be very rude

I would be very tempted to say something along these lines to the friends, but it's probably too passive aggressive and would really stoke the fires of ill-will. But it's also true.

It's not more pa than charging at the last minute. And it's true.

Just say I don't feel I can ask my friend to pay at such late notice and unfortunately I can't afford the total myself. So off to Airbnb and see you another time.

Lotusmonster · 29/08/2021 21:48

I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants
Honestly OP, why on earth did you first offer to pay the whole rent if you can’t afford half of it? You are unfortunately at fault here I’m afraid.

BoxHedge · 29/08/2021 21:53

At £1000 it’s too expensive a gift for them to have offered, and too expensive to accept.

Maybe they hadn’t thought through the financial cost when they offered, but now they’re looking at that week in the diary with a big fat zero projected when all the other weeks are bringing in £1000.

It was always going to cause awkwardness in some way or other.

Really annoying situation for you though.

Planty13 · 29/08/2021 21:59

Well how have they responded?

ItsNotMeAnymore · 29/08/2021 21:59

You were wrong to invite a friend and they were more wrong to change their minds about charging you.

I would make up,a good excuse why you can’t go and rebook later in the year on your own.

I think it’s not nice that you keep mentioning that they are better off than you. You have said you can afford the £500 so it’s not like they are being unreasonable with the price. They will be ‘paying’ £500 for you to stay there in lost income so it seems crass that you are complaining about paying £250 each to stay there. They shouldn’t have changed their minds though. That was stupid of them.

BoxHedge · 29/08/2021 22:01

Also bringing a friend with you means they can’t catch up with you like they planned. It’s not the same chatting when there’s a stranger there.

Also, they’ve probably been getting enquiries and are having to turn people away for that week, it must sting a bit.

Mollythewally · 29/08/2021 22:02

Maybe it's beside the point but I think your friend sounds like a massive freeloader agreeing to go along, offering nothing by way of rent while you buy expensive bottles of whisky and pub dinners and your retired friends cook her dinner on the first night.

teaandcrumpets35 · 29/08/2021 22:05

Lots of people saying the dynamic has changed because of the friend coming but the hosts said it was ok, that any friend of op was a friend of theirs. If they were uncomfortable about it they should have taken up op's original offer to pay not go along with it then change plans right at the last minute.

NautaOcts · 29/08/2021 22:06

I feel like this is maybe a British politeness problem.

I’m not sure they’re at fault in all honesty.

You explained you’d like to bring a friend that they don’t know thus changing it from a visit to them, to more of a free holiday.

You offered to pay full amount.
They were not unreasonable to take that offer at face value and think you meant it!
They were also not unreasonable to think that offer had an expiry date.

They’ve thought on it and have now come back to you asking for half their usual rent for that week which split between 2 of you is really reasonable.

People should Just say what they mean! If you weren’t happy to pay then don’t say you are!!

Tell your friend what’s happened and she’ll decide whether she’s still happy to come on that basis

Mollythewally · 29/08/2021 22:07

I also don't think YABU reasonable to be upset, OP. I can see that sharing your 'gift' with a stranger (to them) was probably a bit inept but them billing you this late in the game is far worse.

I am boggling at the idea that your friend who doesn't know them at all hasn't offered to pay anything towards the cost of accommodation though? I'd be mortified and in her shoes wouldn't have taken you up on your offer so don't worry about letting that CF down.

Heliachi · 29/08/2021 22:12

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Heliachi · 29/08/2021 22:14

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/08/2021 22:15

I'd cancel normally but so many places are booked up at the moment I'd probably go but email back and say you don't want to have dinner with them- I'd find it too hard to smile through my clenched teeth!

icedcoffees · 29/08/2021 22:15

@teaandcrumpets35

Lots of people saying the dynamic has changed because of the friend coming but the hosts said it was ok, that any friend of op was a friend of theirs. If they were uncomfortable about it they should have taken up op's original offer to pay not go along with it then change plans right at the last minute.
Pretty much everyone saying the dynamic has also changed has also said that the friends shouldn't have changed their minds.

But their cheekiness in deciding to charge doesn't make OP's initial invitation any less cheeky.

phishy · 29/08/2021 22:21

I think this has set the tone for the holiday unfortunately. I would back out now.

Don’t sacrifice your holiday for the sake of your friend.

justasmalltownmum · 29/08/2021 22:23

Just don't go. Book somewhere else and go halves with your friend.

Mollythewally · 29/08/2021 22:24

Heliachi that's neither here nor there whether you'd take money from a friend of a friend. I was referring to the CF ness of the friend to expect to rock up and have a free holiday on the basis of....nothing.. She's not their 'guest' the OP is. She's a complete stranger!

Germolenequeen · 29/08/2021 22:25

@HalzTangz

What you posted literally made no sense

RiverSkater · 29/08/2021 22:30

I'm with @MinnieGirl on this.

It's rather awkward to have the friend there now as clearly the comment 'any friend of mine was a friend of theirs' is patently not true.

Unwelcome friend, bringing duvets and extensive cleaning, it's not a friend thing anymore, it's a strange business transaction.

If you do go, pay them in cash and count out the notes. 😆

Samedaysameshit · 29/08/2021 22:37

I’d tell your friend it’s off send the whisky back and then tell them I’d tested positive for COVID and couldn't come, maybe next year.
Then forget about the whole thing, way too much drama.

earsup · 29/08/2021 22:38

500 quid for electric....do they think you are going to run a cannabis grow crop for the week.....!!...cancel.....go again on your own in the future.....go some where else....greedy couple....!!