Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

Your Seattle(? You keep writing ‘Settle’) friends are beyond gauche. Who asks for money from friends??

Settle is a place in Yorkshire - I assume that's where OP is going.

@icedcoffees

I think it’s very connected. In a million years I can’t imagine charging a friend, let alone one that has done me huge favours previously,

@MilesOfSand - and they've offered that loads of times - but this isn't just a friend staying - OP has invited a total stranger to come along and join them!

A while ago I helped a friend move house. If he then offered for me to stay at his as repayment, I wouldn't assume that invite extended to another random person he'd never met!

Yes, assuming would be odd. But you could ask, and offer to pay and then… oh!

Yes, assuming would be odd. But you could ask, and offer to pay and then… oh!

But the point I'm making is I think it's cheeky fuckery to ask in the first place!

Settle is a town in N.Yorks.

Oh! Sorry, not in the UK.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

Settle is in Yorkshire

Cheers for that nugget of info. I'd never heard of it but the responses made me realise it was UK somewhere and not Seattle as I first miss read it.

@LimeRedBanana

Your Seattle(? You keep writing ‘Settle’) friends are beyond gauche. Who asks for money from friends??

I think the visit is tainted, and the friendship is tainted.

I’d have zero qualms about going back to them and saying that on second thoughts, your friend and you have made alternative plans - thanks so much for the offer of the cottage, and hopefully we can catch up another time not.

This is easy and low-drama to get out of.

And if you do really want to maintain the friendship, you’re free to arrange to go alone another time.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Settle,_North_Yorkshire

I think op means here

You are being VU They are probably really hurt asyou clearly don’t want to see-them you just want a freebie holiday for you and your mate

I thought it was a typo for Seattle, too.

@icedcoffees they where asked over email.
Op didn't just turn up with her friend.
Also it's a cottage in the grounds,not the actual house.

[quote BorderlineHappy]@icedcoffees they where asked over email.
Op didn't just turn up with her friend.
Also it's a cottage in the grounds,not the actual house.[/quote]
I know, I've addressed all that in my numerous other responses.

Asking over e-mail is still cheeky. You don't just extend someone's hospitality to another person who is a total stranger to them. Asking permission via e-mail doesn't mean it's not cheeky, and it still puts the friends in an awkward position.

It might be a cottage, but the friends have already offered to have OP to dinner in the house, to go out for a meal, and to have a day out together. So now they feel they need to extend those invites to her friend too.

I mean, clearly there are two distinct camps here but I stand by my belief that it's cheeky fuckery to do what OP did.

Please show your friend the e-mail, otherwise she may suspect you of not being on the level, and then cancel. Personally, I would snub the Cumbrian friends after this stunt, but you're no doubt a better person.

P.S. North Yorkshire friends, apologies !

Ok I would just back out. It doesn't matter anymore who was right and wrong it's got awkward and will obviously be if you both turn up.
I would be so friendly and polite but cancel and do something else, I wouldn't mention the £500 charge as that's a bit pointed and I'm presuming you want to keep this relationship still?

Your Seattle(? You keep writing ‘Settle’) friends are beyond gauche.

OP has given amounts of money in UK pounds, so I presume she does mean Settle (in North Yorkshire) and not Seattle!

Bearing in mind that OP has clearly said that the friends are wanting to spend a little bit of time together rather than spend all day every day together - and that it's a cottage in their garden, not a room in their house (ostensibly for the express purpose of their not having/wanting to spend too much time at close quarters with guests - I still can't believe how many people have the automatic assumption that everybody's idea of a dream holiday is sitting around all evening alone and also going out for the day alone. Not when it's barely any extra effort or cost to take a friend with you and both have company. Most people would find that very lonely.

Yes, some people do like to go off on their own for their holidays - and that's perfectly fine - but the majority of people do prefer their holidays to be a shared experience with their loved ones. I don't think it can be compared in any way to somebody bringing her boyfriend along to an evening deliberately planned around constant all-female company, with nobody spending hours - much less multiple overnights - alone.

I think it's the friend coming that's complicated it.

Other than that though, they do sound very nice and it sounds like you have a lovely friendship.

I think all you can do is pay the £500, go along (with your friend) and have a lovely time as planned.

I would perhaps try to return the whisky and get a cheaper gift / token of appreciation. But I would still pay for dinner when you all go out for dinner, and leave the place very clean, as you'd intended.

I think as long as you (and your friend) make an effort with them and you have the kind of visit you would have had anyway, they will be left thinking "ah, that was a nice visit, she wasn't taking the piss. Maybe we misread it and shouldn't have charged her?"

What I'm saying is - go down and treat it like a visit. NOT a paid for self catering holiday. I think they will then see that they were maybe worrying unnecessarily about being taken advantage of, and the friendship can get back to normal.

Maybe they didn't realise they would still be getting paying bookings into September, and suddenly your visit is actually losing them £1k?

Tbh you realised it was a bit cheeky to bring a random friend so you offered to pay. Their first reaction was "of course not, don't be silly" etc etc but now they've realised that actually they'll be losing money by hosting a total stranger for free, so they agree with you that you should pay something. £300-400 might have seemed a bit more reasonable in the circumstances.

Well I don't agree :p

Really? So you'd prefer to offer quite possibly useless, outdated advice, just to 'have your say'? Or at best, say the same thing that 200 people have already suggested? Don't you even at least read all of the OP's posts, if not anybody else's (so easy now to filter)?

Maybe they didn't realise they would still be getting paying bookings into September, and suddenly your visit is actually losing them £1k?

I doubt that's come as a sudden surprise to them - especially as they're so 'astute' with money in the first place. Surely everybody knows (whether accommodation provider or user) that letting friends or family use your place free will be at the cost of the money from a paying customer - unless it's in January or November, maybe? Any week between Spring and early Autumn, or half-terms or Christmas/New Year is potentially likely to be of interest to somebody willing to pay.

1. You shouldn't have invited your friend. They wanted to see YOU, not your friend which then means they have to include your friend in everything you do together... that makes the whole thing awkward. Why do people do this? I think it's somewhat disrespectful.

1. You can't go now. It's too awkward. I would make an excuse - something to do with a work conference or something you can't get out of. Cancel.

1. Rebook ALONE with them for in a few months' time. If you want to.

If it's of any consequence I made exactly this mistake in my 20s. A friend who had a villa in Spain said I could stay with her if I happened to be passing by. She was Spanish and staying with her Dad over the summer.

I went travelling with 2 mates and took a boat from Morocco to Spain as part of a bit of travelling we were doing during the summer holidays. On the phone when I asked if we could come and stay she was all "yeah, come all of you, that would be great".

Her Dad bought us all dinner - presumably he felt like he had to, the first night. The next night we weren't sure what we were going to do - and they felt awkward because they probably didn't want to pay again. We were going to out out by ourselves but that felt odd as then she had to leave her Dad on his own. Within two days things had soured and it was clear we weren't wanted.

I had taken the proverbial piss. Yes I probably had. Lesson learned. I didn't realise it at the time but my thoughts of "oh she'll love my friends too" was wrong. Really really wrong.

Some people are "yes the more the merrier" and others are definitely NOT.

Your friends fall into the latter camp.

That's fine. We're all different. You can't expect everyone to be the same and have the same kind of boundaries, energies for socialising with old vs. "new" friends.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Every time I see your username I sing it in my head and it amuses me so cheers for that

@Wakeywakey86

I don't understand how people have come to the conclusion that taking a friend has complicated matters 🤷🏼‍♀️ you asked if you could bring a friend and offered to pay and they declined. If you had failed to tell them about your friend then I could potentially understand a change of heart from them. To be honest I think they are very rude! You cannot offer a gift to someone and then expect money to change hands at the last minute! I'd be tempted to just cancel, i think it is a terrible beginning to a holiday. You'll be second guessing their intentions on the holiday (like if they make dinner are they expecting you to pay for the dinner out the following night etc). I'd apologise to your friend and find a cheap alternative for a night or two. Alternatively, stump up the £500, make the best of it and learn from this. I'd never say there again free or otherwise!

Totally agree.

This couples rudeness leaves me speechless.
I could not stay there now, the visit would be ruined.
And if I was paying £500 I would not be taking bedding or cleaning the bloody cottage!
Sadly they have shown that they are willing to put profit over friendship.

I would message them and say that you were very surprised to receive their email after your previous offer of payment was turned down, and the offer of hospitality extended to your friend. That you do not feel able to ask your friend for payment at this last hour without seeming to be very rude, and in the circumstances you don’t feel able to stay with them. You hope to be able to catch up with them at a later date.

And then I would think very carefully about the relationship you actually have with these people. I don’t know anyone who has a million pound pension fund. But neither do I know anyone who would charge a friend £500 for a weekend and expect them to clean the cottage….

OP I was shocked at what your friends did when I read your first posts and subsequent posts just made it worse.

It is outrageous to invite someone, agree to have their friend for free and then charge them money on top of telling them to clean it thoroughly.

Did you charge them when they stayed in yours? Their daughter?

I really don't know what to advise. Have you replied?

I do think it was a mistake to offer to pay as now they think it’s reasonable to charge you. I wouldn’t want to go now tho - it would leave a bad taste. I think going back to saying you are staying on your own might be complicated. What if they still want to charge you? Then you are going to find it hard to say no to that!

Could you just be honest and say that you have bought them some gifts and were planning to take them out and now you’re not sure what to do?

That you do not feel able to ask your friend for payment at this last hour without seeming to be very rude

I would be very tempted to say something along these lines to the friends, but it's probably too passive aggressive and would really stoke the fires of ill-will. But it's also true.