Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

@TheQueenOfTheNight

we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.

Hi Minty,
When we arranged the trip I didn't realise that your costs for the week were around £500. I thought that by bringing our own linen and cleaning thoroughly we would be quite easy guests. On reflection of course your utilities, insurance etc could be quite considerable if the cottage is considered a holiday let. So it seems best if we rethink our plans, and you can let out the cottage to holidaymakers that week.
I hope you and Giles enjoy the charcuterie that I've arranged, and we'll meet up another time .

" Hi Minty" .... I can't stop laughing, the best reply I read ....

If you decide to go and pay the £500, they may still behave as if you own them a favour for allowing you to bring your friend for half their usual rent price.
Their behaviour does not feel right, specially if you have been friends for such a long time. Someone mentioned to get the money and go to Greece. A couple of the islands are on the green list. Hope you find the best solution for your holidays.

The other person changes the dynamic. I can see why they aren’t happy but I can also see why you aren’t happy they didn’t say anything at the time.
Awkward.

I guess you unfortunately complicated a cool arrangement by bringing a friend and offering to pay full price.

They were wrong to offer for free and then change their mind - but I guess they figured that was fair given the new arrangement.

Not sure how I’d proceed from here really. I guess pay the £500 this time yourself and then go elsewhere for holidays in future, unless they specially invite you over for a couple of nights as a friend.

Have you responded OP about the request to pay £500, what are you going to do?

I'd always welcome a friend of a friend. Isn't this how we meet new people? I'd assume they're up for spending time together too.

But it's circumstantial, isn't it? If I was looking forward to catch up with a friend I'd not seen for years, I'd be pretty pissed off if they brought someone else with them too.

Whereas if it was a casual meet up for drinks or to a concert, it wouldn't be so much of an issue.

I often read threads on here where a group of women arrange to meet up and someone brings their boyfriend - the response is always that the boyfriend should have stayed at home as it changes the dynamic to have him there.

@icedcoffees

I think it’s very connected. In a million years I can’t imagine charging a friend, let alone one that has done me huge favours previously,

@MilesOfSand - and they've offered that loads of times - but this isn't just a friend staying - OP has invited a total stranger to come along and join them!

A while ago I helped a friend move house. If he then offered for me to stay at his as repayment, I wouldn't assume that invite extended to another random person he'd never met!

I’ve had friends do exactly that and was delighted they were able to enjoy their break with someone else. However if they’d looked after my daughter and driven her 300 miles I’d have offered up front and probably out some nice alcohol and perhaps a charcuterie to welcome them. But, you know, horses for courses. I think OP’s friends have just given her the price - $500 - of their friendship.

It's not like OP spoke to them and caught them off guard, it was an email. You can read and digest an email and think about the reply. Very different to speaking and agreeing to something without thinking it through.

OP has done a lot for their friendship over the years, and this was a lovely offer for a holiday and a visit. OP has gone and bought whiskey so expensive I didn't know existed, and something else expensive I'd never heard of, so clearly not a piss taker, and no doubt would have left the place perfect especially taking own bed linen.

To ask them if it's ok, and then have a 'any friend of yours is a friend of ours' line, no worries on payment, as their reply. They weren't forced to say that. A month passes, then they say £500 to cover bills?

Nope. Leaves a bad taste I think.

That said I think they are the slightly weird ones here - being more than happy to rent you the 2 bed cottage for free, but then being anti when a friend is involved. They’ve effectively changed the dynamic of your friendship which is a shame. Perhaps they’re hard up right now?

@UnGoogled

They've ruined it, basically.

Nobody in their right mind would think it's reasonable to renege on an offer of a free holiday at the last minute and instead charge £500 while framing it as a good deal. It's insulting. It doesn't matter if you've changed things by bringing someone along, because they agreed to it happily at first.

Cancel the holiday and go somewhere else. Have fun on your own terms, and let this friendship cool off.

I agree, the time to mention the £500 was when the OP asked about bringing her friend, not several weeks later.

Cancel it and book a Air BnB.

@icedcoffees
But it's circumstantial, isn't it? If I was looking forward to catch up with a friend I'd not seen for years, I'd be pretty pissed off if they brought someone else with them too

Guess it depends if they were close friends or not (doesn’t sound like it - more like v.casual friends). This is perhaps key here. So yes I agree perhaps the original plan in the owners mind was that she was travelling to hang out with them - but then the OP said she’d bring her friend, it then became “she’s going on holiday with her mate and we’re providing accommodation ”. When I look at it like that I do see how it might have rubbed the owners up the wrong way a little bit - though of course they’re totally wrong to do a 180 about payment having said the opposite a whole month prior. They should have thought it through properly first time round.

I'm really amazed by the difference of opinion on here, but maybe I'm just really easy going?!

That’s the conclusion I’m coming to as well tbh.

I’ve had friends do exactly that and was delighted they were able to enjoy their break with someone else.

But that's you, not everyone is the same when it comes to socialising with new people, and not everyone feels comfortable hosting strangers on that level.

However if they’d looked after my daughter and driven her 300 miles I’d have offered up front and probably out some nice alcohol and perhaps a charcuterie to welcome them

But it's not up to OP to decide where they should extend their kindness. That's their decision alone. They offered their house for free to OP for a week - she didn't have the right to extend that invite to someone else too.

But, you know, horses for courses. I think OP’s friends have just given her the price - $500 - of their friendship.

Equally, it could feel to them that OP has decided they're not worth bothering with unless her and her friend can get a free holiday out of it.

though of course they’re totally wrong to do a 180 about payment having said the opposite a whole month prior. They should have thought it through properly first time round.

Absolutely, and I made that clear in my first post several pages ago

I also suspect if someone came on here and said:

"We own a small cottage in the grounds that we rent out, however a while ago we invited a friend to use it (for free) for a week in September while she visited us - we felt she'd be more comfortable having her own space in the mornings/evenings than having to share our bathroom!

However, she has now e-mailed and wants to bring another friend with her for free - this means we have to play "host" to a stranger - she's offered to pay but it feels wrong to take her money, WWYD?"

Most people would reply saying the friend is a cheeky fucker and to withdraw the offer. It's easy to say "they had a chance to say no" but it''s not always that straight forward to say that to a friend, even if it is by e-mail. I suspect they've sat and thought about and it are now feeling increasingly pissed off about the whole thing.

That being said, they shouldn't go back on their offer now that they've already refused payment.

I have never visited before. They have invited me several times but I've never been able to fit a visit in since they moved in nearly five years ago.
*
Actually ^ that makes it even more awkward that you asked if you could bring a friend. The first time you go to visit them and you ask to bring someone.*

Equally, it could feel to them that OP has decided they're not worth bothering with unless her and her friend can get a free holiday out of it.

No. It came about because the other friend lost out on her holiday. The OP was happy going on her own before that.

She also asked their permission, politely, and one month in advance. They agreed, and agreed enthusiastically. Changing the goalposts so late in the day was far more out of order than the OP’s request, whether it’s seen as cheeky or not.

I think I’d cancel, but purely because the thought of them turning the tables like this/ making it awkward would ruin a hard-earned week off for me. I tend to dwell on things! If you’re the kind of person who can laugh it off, I’d pay the money but never stay again- and I wouldn’t give the gifts either.

I hadnt seen that suggested email. This is the one to send, for sure.

@LizzieW1969

*Equally, it could feel to them that OP has decided they're not worth bothering with unless her and her friend can get a free holiday out of it.*

No. It came about because the other friend lost out on her holiday. The OP was happy going on her own before that.

She also asked their permission, politely, and one month in advance. They agreed, and agreed enthusiastically. Changing the goalposts so late in the day was far more out of order than the OP’s request, whether it’s seen as cheeky or not.

No. It came about because the other friend lost out on her holiday. The OP was happy going on her own before that.

Yes, but that still doesn't give her the right to ask them to extend their home to a stranger. OP's friends' holiday being cancelled is nothing to do with them.

She also asked their permission, politely, and one month in advance. They agreed, and agreed enthusiastically. Changing the goalposts so late in the day was far more out of order than the OP’s request, whether it’s seen as cheeky or not.

I absolutely agree they shouldn't change the goalposts now they've agreed to it, but IMO the request in the first place is far cheekier.

Bah! The one @Jamie quoted, that is.

No, I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. She asked politely and would have been perfectly happy if they had said no. Instead, they didn’t just agree, they agreed enthusiastically!

How else would you interpret ‘any friend of yours is a friend of ours’??

I would cancel

Your Seattle(? You keep writing ‘Settle’) friends are beyond gauche. Who asks for money from friends??

I think the visit is tainted, and the friendship is tainted.

I’d have zero qualms about going back to them and saying that on second thoughts, your friend and you have made alternative plans - thanks so much for the offer of the cottage, and hopefully we can catch up another time not.

This is easy and low-drama to get out of.

And if you do really want to maintain the friendship, you’re free to arrange to go alone another time.

@LizzieW1969

No, I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. She asked politely and would have been perfectly happy if they had said no. Instead, they didn’t just agree, they agreed enthusiastically!

Because they probably felt really awkward being asked in the first place!

I don't think there's anyone alive who hasn't agreed to go along with something for an easy life, then regretted it afterwards.

But they've made their decision and should stick with it and honour the freebie, but I think they're allowed to be a bit pissed off.

Settle is in Yorkshire