Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

@MurielSpriggs

Drink the whisky, eat the sausages and tell them to fuck off!

This ^

@Roselilly36

As above, they offered the accommodation for you for free as you are a friend etc. You invited a friend without check first, offered to pay. They probably think you are being cheeky to expect free accommodation for yourself & your friend, it’s has changed the expectation.

She did check if it was ok to bring and friend and offered to pay.

They said no - only to change their minds a month later.

Whilst still expecting her to clean the property and bring her own bedding.

If they want to make this a commercial arrangement then that's their privilege (even if a last min change isn't really acceptable imho) but this half way house is a bit distasteful imho.

If she's now expected to pay they need to treat her like a paying guest.

I think you being hosted as their friend who has come on holiday to see them feels different to you going on holiday with your friend who is not their guest or their friend. You haven't done anything wrong but perhaps a sensitive person hosting would think "We thought we were the friends but actually you're bringing your own friends so now it's just about us providing accomodation".

I though perhaps there was a way to extend my Settle friends' kindness to include her.

I think that was your mistake here, and I think the £500 charge is their way of telling you that.

They are allowing you to stay at a location that is also run as a business for paying guests, and you are taking advantage.

Yes, there is a backstory involving your kindness to them, going out of your way for their daughter and grandchild, etc.

But they have not leaned on you for free professional services or advice, or sent friends of theirs your way and expected you to provide professional services or advice for their friend, whereas you have invited your friend along to have a holiday in their income source.

I'd be pleased if a friend was coming to stay and brought a friend as it would take the pressure off me a bit. In any event, they've done what they've done, I think because they're annoyed you're bringing a friend, and personally I'd cancel. I wouldn't want the resentment on both sides looming over me and ruining my holiday.

I don't think it's too long. The more answers the better. But my understanding of the basis of the AIBU board is to tell the OP whether she's being unreasonable! What everyone else thinks doesn't affect my judgement So YABU if you expect everyone to read every post. Maybe you should start a thread on it

There have already been numerous threads on it - it's how the whole 'cancel the cheque' MN-ism began Plus, even if you're only thinking of telling it to the OP, based on their initial post, there are loads of threads where the OP adds more very pertinent information - not deliberately drip-feeding but often gaining courage and confidence to broach the main subject with the support of the respondents; many 'breaking the ice' and compartmentalising with a relatively small issue which then quickly becomes evident that it's the final straw in a long line of very unreasonable behaviour - like the whole infamous 'she divorced me because I left a coffee cup on the side' scenario.

Yes, it's an extreme example, but there was a thread a little while ago where a MNer with a terminal illness had asked for tips as to how to make her holiday to Anglesey really special - she was very dignified and understated about how she phrased it, but it was clear that it was to be her final holiday - and that she might not even make it.

One of her close friends later came on to inform everybody that the OP had now very sadly passed away. Along with the kind messages of condolence and lovely tributes to her that some people shared, so many people who obviously hadn't read it still continued to come on and add their suggestions - "Ooh, OP, you really mustn't miss X beach - it's amazing" - when, tragically, the OP already had missed it.

I though perhaps there was a way to extend my Settle friends' kindness to include her

I don't understand why you thought it was ok to extend someone's else's kindness to your friend? It wasn't up to you. If your Settle friends wished to extend their kindness then they would have offered for you to bring someone. However, they invited you on your own. It must have been very awkward for them when they received your email asking to bring your friend. They were no doubt caught on the hop and said yes, but on reflection realised it was a bit cheeky so are now asking for payment at a very reduced rate. If you and your friend decide to go then you shouldn't be paying for your friend. However, I'd feel the visit will be tainted now by you having the friend and by them having asked for payment - probably best to cancel and find alternative accommodation.

...perhaps a sensitive person hosting would think "We thought we were the friends but actually you're bringing your own friends so now it's just about us providing accomodation".

YY to that - you are simultaneously regarding their cottage as the home of friends and also as a holiday venue for someone they don't know.

Their initial invitation was to you as a friend and they may have wanted to spend time with you doing friend stuff, catching up, sharing common references.

You sort of threw the friendship element of that back in their faces by asking a stranger along, taking the holiday cottage bit and ignoring the ties of friendship part that your friends had uppermost in their minds.

I think it’s very connected. In a million years I can’t imagine charging a friend, let alone one that has done me huge favours previously,

@MilesOfSand - and they've offered that loads of times - but this isn't just a friend staying - OP has invited a total stranger to come along and join them!

A while ago I helped a friend move house. If he then offered for me to stay at his as repayment, I wouldn't assume that invite extended to another random person he'd never met!

But the friends were never anticipating spending a lot of time with the OP, only a couple of meals together. She was going to be spending a lot of her time doing her own thing! Surely it actually makes sense for her to have another friend come with her?

I don’t understand why so many posters have missed this point? Or are deliberately overlooking it in their desire to make the OP unreasonable?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I don't think it's too long. The more answers the better. But my understanding of the basis of the AIBU board is to tell the OP whether she's being unreasonable! What everyone else thinks doesn't affect my judgement So YABU if you expect everyone to read every post. Maybe you should start a thread on it

There have already been numerous threads on it - it's how the whole 'cancel the cheque' MN-ism began Plus, even if you're only thinking of telling it to the OP, based on their initial post, there are loads of threads where the OP adds more very pertinent information - not deliberately drip-feeding but often gaining courage and confidence to broach the main subject with the support of the respondents; many 'breaking the ice' and compartmentalising with a relatively small issue which then quickly becomes evident that it's the final straw in a long line of very unreasonable behaviour - like the whole infamous 'she divorced me because I left a coffee cup on the side' scenario.

Yes, it's an extreme example, but there was a thread a little while ago where a MNer with a terminal illness had asked for tips as to how to make her holiday to Anglesey really special - she was very dignified and understated about how she phrased it, but it was clear that it was to be her final holiday - and that she might not even make it.

One of her close friends later came on to inform everybody that the OP had now very sadly passed away. Along with the kind messages of condolence and lovely tributes to her that some people shared, so many people who obviously hadn't read it still continued to come on and add their suggestions - "Ooh, OP, you really mustn't miss X beach - it's amazing" - when, tragically, the OP already had missed it.

Well I don't agree :p

But this is entirely off-topic so WABU

I would cancel entirely. The visit has been tainted. Book somewhere else you don't need to stress about leaving it cleaner than you found it. Have a breather from the friendship then remain friends with more knowledge about how the friendship works.

I don't understand how people have come to the conclusion that taking a friend has complicated matters 🤷🏼‍♀️ you asked if you could bring a friend and offered to pay and they declined. If you had failed to tell them about your friend then I could potentially understand a change of heart from them.
To be honest I think they are very rude! You cannot offer a gift to someone and then expect money to change hands at the last minute! I'd be tempted to just cancel, i think it is a terrible beginning to a holiday. You'll be second guessing their intentions on the holiday (like if they make dinner are they expecting you to pay for the dinner out the following night etc).
I'd apologise to your friend and find a cheap alternative for a night or two.
Alternatively, stump up the £500, make the best of it and learn from this. I'd never say there again free or otherwise!

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Why is it 'giving a mate a free holiday too'? Is it so outrageous for a single person to want a companion to help make her holiday more enjoyable?

When it involves being invited to someone else's home while they're there and playing host to you, yes! It's bloody cheeky.

They invited OP to stay so they could spend some time together, have a catch up over a nice dinner, and go out for the day too. They didn't expect to have to play host to a random stranger on top of that.

It changes the dynamics.

If OP wants to go on holiday with her friend, she should arrange that separately and they can rent an AirBnB or something together. She doesn't get to invite her friend to someone else's home like that.

@LizzieW1969

But the friends were never anticipating spending a lot of time with the OP, only a couple of meals together. She was going to be spending a lot of her time doing her own thing! Surely it actually makes sense for her to have another friend come with her?

I don’t understand why so many posters have missed this point? Or are deliberately overlooking it in their desire to make the OP unreasonable?

It doesn't matter.

It's their house and they were offering to host OP for free for a week. They weren't extending the offer to a random stranger as well.

For (what feels like the hundredth time on here) it changes the dynamic of the holiday to have a random stranger tag along as well. They wanted a catch-up with OP for a few days - they don't want to have to host someone else as well.

I think ultimately it was a bit wrong of your friends to suddenly have changed their tune and are now wanting you to pay a not unsubstantial amount. I certainly would never dream of doing something like this, you are either upfront and specifics about expectations of payment allowing the other party to decide knowing the full terms or you offer it freely and without strings.

To offer it free and then ask for money once plans had been made would leave you in an awkward position if say, money was tight. I realise for you that isn't the case but still it's pretty bad form.

That being said, I think you are not taking on board the people who have said that you adding your friend also changes things. Whilst you are happy for people to do this you don't seem to be able to take in that others are not. It is possible that your friends are the type who feel uncomfortable having an extra person they don't know added to the mix so I think you are a bit in the wrong here too.

I don't understand how people have come to the conclusion that taking a friend has complicated matters 🤷🏼‍♀️ you asked if you could bring a friend and offered to pay and they declined. If you had failed to tell them about your friend then I could potentially understand a change of heart from them.

Because asking them puts them in a difficult position - it's so awkward to say no to things like that.

Inviting a friend along to your free break with other friends is cheeky.

OP, I think it's very bad form that, having warmly agreed that both you and your friend could both stay for free with their welcome that they suddenly decided you owe them money. Whether or not you were right to ask to bring a friend is by the by as their warm extension of the invitation resets the whole thing in my opinion.

However, I really stopped by to say I absolutely love the sound of your other friend who is delighted by this whole thing and would enjoy the spectacle of genteel torture. I bet she's an Edward Albee fan . Send her my way if you ever tire of her!

I think they are a bit off to be honest as they offered it for free.
It sounds like once they thought about you taking a friend they took exception to this.

Given what you have done for their family in the past I think they are a bit out of order.

If you want to go, go but treat it like a holiday. Do your own thing and don't be over generous with them. Get your friend to pay 1/2.
As you have paid for the property I would expect them to get the cleaner in after you have gone.

I think your friendship with them has changed going forward.
I think they have been very ungracious.
You sound like a lovely friend.

Yes they Abu to have offered to allow you to use it for free, and then charge you after the fact. Had it been a day or two after, I could empathise.
However you are also by, to extend their kindness towards you to somebody they don't know.

They've ruined it, basically.

Nobody in their right mind would think it's reasonable to renege on an offer of a free holiday at the last minute and instead charge £500 while framing it as a good deal. It's insulting. It doesn't matter if you've changed things by bringing someone along, because they agreed to it happily at first.

Cancel the holiday and go somewhere else. Have fun on your own terms, and let this friendship cool off.

@flipflopslap

I'd always welcome a friend of a friend. Isn't this how we meet new people? I'd assume they're up for spending time together too.

I'm really amazed by the difference of opinion on here, but maybe I'm just really easy going?!

I'd be appalled by their u-turn and the cost!!

Can you take back the gifts? Then ask your friend to pay 1/2 (it's not your fault they've just suddenly asked for payment!) then I'd just pay and try to have a nice time with everyone.

@flipflopslap - I'm thinking similarly to you. If a single person was going on a holiday to stay with a couple I don't see it would be unreasonable to ask if a friend could come too!? Is the OP going to assume she is spending 24 hours a day with this married couple!? (Given they said she could come and go as she pleases, which gives the sense of some independent time). It's nice to have someone to enjoy a holiday with, sightseeing etc. They should have said no the friend cannot come when asked. Or said at that point that they would like some rent money for the property and the rate for the friends stay (which could have been halved with OP)

The thing is op. You knew this changed the dynamic, that’s why you offered to pay as using your own words you were bringing a stranger. You’re now peeved they said yes.

This whole situation feels really weird to me. I think I'd be tempted to apologise for "muddying the waters" by suggesting bringing a friend along and that it seems better if you plan get together another time, just on your own specifically to catch up with them, either at yours or theirs. "I can see how this is a bit confusing for you."

In reality I think they've been very odd- I own a property which we let and would never do this. Do they manage it themselves?

@UnGoogled

They've ruined it, basically.

Nobody in their right mind would think it's reasonable to renege on an offer of a free holiday at the last minute and instead charge £500 while framing it as a good deal. It's insulting. It doesn't matter if you've changed things by bringing someone along, because they agreed to it happily at first.

Cancel the holiday and go somewhere else. Have fun on your own terms, and let this friendship cool off.

I agree with this.

It is rather cheeky to ask to bring a friend. Maybe they were offended. But if they were it’s not ok to deal with being offended by asking for money, particularly as OP had offered and they’d said no.

If it were me I’d go elsewhere.