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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
poppymaewrite · 29/08/2021 17:41

I wouldn’t go to make a point and because I will just feel really closed off from them during the stay. I think they lack integrity, and I wouldn’t want to be friends with people who take things back in that way. I would explain the situation to the friend and arrange to stay somewhere else. Unless that would not be financially viable, in which case I would go and not speak to them again.

lyntheyresexpeople · 29/08/2021 17:42

What is it with people being shaky over ridiculous things on mumsnet - feeling sick and shaking over being asked to pay for a holiday you invited someone else on, how dramatic can you get?

MilesOfSand · 29/08/2021 17:42

@icedcoffees

I had their daughter and her toddler stay for several nights at one point when she and her partner were splitting up. She would have gone to her parents' home but they were away and she didn't have keys. So she came here and then I drove them the 300 miles to her mum and dad. I didn't intend to mention it, but that's the kind of awful friend I've been to them and their family.

That's a lovely thing to do, but it's not connected to this situation at all.

Yes, you did a nice thing, but they're not obliged to return that kindness by hosting a stranger in their home.

I think it’s very connected. In a million years I can’t imagine charging a friend, let alone one that has done me huge favours previously,
IHateCoronavirus · 29/08/2021 17:45

I sort of see it from both sides.
You were going to see them, you invited a friend, and offered to contribute to costs.

They said no to costs initially, then changed their minds at the last minute, making everything feel transactional rather than friendship based.

I think unless you can pay, and truest forgive them their transgressions, and they can accept the payment and forgive your yours, it’ll be awkward and the death knoll of any friendship.

Germolenequeen · 29/08/2021 17:46

People should bloody read the thread before posting FFS 🙄

MurielSpriggs · 29/08/2021 17:48

@Germolenequeen

People should bloody read the thread before posting FFS 🙄
Ain't nobody got no time for that shit. This is the AIBU board. The whole point is to tell the original poster whether she's being unreasonable based on the information in her original post.
Return2thebasic · 29/08/2021 17:53

Maybe I'm a demanding person when it comes to friendship. This change of mind at last minute involving another person that they don't know is rather inconsiderate. You are obviously a very helpful friend to them and their relatives. They are not someone who needs financial income from this stay badly. So if I were you, I'd cool down my feelings with them and cancel the trip with a hint dropped in front of their face to tell them it's not OK the way they did it.

But that's just my style and maybe on the overreacting side.

Please post back what happens in the end. I'm very curious to know if any reasonable explanation to this kind of human behaviour does exist.

Cuddlemonsters · 29/08/2021 17:57

Yeah, it’s unreasonable because they’ve changed the terms once you’ve committed. If they had changed their minds the decent thing would have been to continue on the terms agreed this time and then let you know next time they’ve decided they are going to allow friends and family to hire the cottage for £500 a week in future. Then you’d have known in advance and been able to make your decision accordingly.

Mommabear20 · 29/08/2021 18:01

You offered! Yes they originally declined but you can't get pissed at paying half of what you originally offered.

Happymum12345 · 29/08/2021 18:01

Friends and holidays are so difficult. Lesson learnt - you won’t make the same mistake again.

HalzTangz · 29/08/2021 18:03

The way I see it is they are giving you your place for free, however they feel your friend(someone they don't know) should pay. I agree with this personally as that does change the dynamics. It's gone from old friends catching up, to letting to a friend and a stranger (in effect the same if you booked anywhere else online)

I think it's ridiculous petty to book somewhere nearby for a friend just so you get the cottage for free (this says more about you and your friend that it does about the hosts)

Just pay and have a nice time but exclude the gifts(which I presume they have no idea that you bought)

TheQueenOfTheNight · 29/08/2021 18:04

we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.

Hi Minty,
When we arranged the trip I didn't realise that your costs for the week were around £500. I thought that by bringing our own linen and cleaning thoroughly we would be quite easy guests. On reflection of course your utilities, insurance etc could be quite considerable if the cottage is considered a holiday let. So it seems best if we rethink our plans, and you can let out the cottage to holidaymakers that week.
I hope you and Giles enjoy the charcuterie that I've arranged, and we'll meet up another time .

ChequerBoard · 29/08/2021 18:06

@TheQueenOfTheNight

we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.

Hi Minty,
When we arranged the trip I didn't realise that your costs for the week were around £500. I thought that by bringing our own linen and cleaning thoroughly we would be quite easy guests. On reflection of course your utilities, insurance etc could be quite considerable if the cottage is considered a holiday let. So it seems best if we rethink our plans, and you can let out the cottage to holidaymakers that week.
I hope you and Giles enjoy the charcuterie that I've arranged, and we'll meet up another time .

That makes zero sense when OP started all this by offering the pay the going rate of £1K to bring her friend along for a holiday.

Again why offer to pay if you didn't mean it??

HalzTangz · 29/08/2021 18:06

And for all we know the friends could have also done huge favours in the past

HalzTangz · 29/08/2021 18:09

@Germolenequeen

People should bloody read the thread before posting FFS 🙄
Or people can comment on posts as they read the thread. Who are you to tell people how they should read or post?
jacks11 · 29/08/2021 18:13

I’m another saying a bit of poor form on both sides… it is a bit rude to go from a visit to see old friends, catch up etc to bringing a friend- it then becomes a holiday for you and your other friend, not a catch up with old friends. It could appear that they were not good enough company for you so you decided to bring a friend. On the other hand, they did agree your friend could come, refused your offer of payment and then at the last minute have asked for money- which is also unfair and quite rude.

Perhaps they felt put on the spot when you asked so they agreed at that time, but have been thinking about it (or stewing), and now feel a bit used. This has led them to ask for the contribution. Or perhaps one agreed and then the other disagreed and this is the compromise they came to.

In your shoes I think I would accept we’d both been a bit unreasonable and I’d return the gifts and pay the £500 (and I would ask your friend to pay half- just tell her why), or cancel and rearrange another time with your friends (if you want to). You could just say as big budgeted for £500 you will have to cancel and you can rearrange a catch up for a later date.

NautaOcts · 29/08/2021 18:13

I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger

Why did you say this then if you’re not happy about paying?

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2021 18:16

I think they’ve been approached by someone wanting to book it and greed has got to the better of them and they are hoping by charging you will cancel or if you don’t- they get at least 50%. Not a very nice thing to do to a friend, bringing someone or not.

MilesOfSand · 29/08/2021 18:20

@NautaOcts

I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger

Why did you say this then if you’re not happy about paying?

Most likely because: British. But the time for them to take that offer was at the time of the offer. Although it would have been odd of them to do so. Let alone weeks later.
COPPER3 · 29/08/2021 18:20

NO, NO, NO! They are BU and very cheeky! Not friendly!
Please reconsider going and booking yourselves somewhere else. This situation will breed resentment and will ruin your week if you stay with them.

Fadingout · 29/08/2021 18:21

I think it’s really rude. Offering you it for free and then wanting to charge you. Sounds like you’d got some lovely thank you gifts. I can only think someone wanted to book it and now they’re hoping to get some money from you to make up for the missed booking.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2021 18:23

£500 for electricity??? You're having a laugh. They offered you the place, for free as "a friend of @ploomo is a friend of ours".

I'd say that you want the meters read once you arrive (water & gas & electricity) and you'll be more than happy to pay for whatever utilities you use. You are not paying £500 for what they are calling "electricity and other costs".
You will pay for your own food, bring your own linens and leave their accommodation in the condition you find it in or better.

No way would I be spending £500 for this at this late stage. No way.

KTheGrey · 29/08/2021 18:30

So they have stayed with you, their daughter and DGC have stayed with you and you provided the latter with a 300 mile taxi and no money changed hands. They invited you because they wanted to see you. And now they want to see you because you do such good cleaning and charge you £500 for the privilege? I would absolutely not go. It's really bizarre.

Penistoe · 29/08/2021 18:30

I think it is very rude to take a friend to meet with another friend.

MagnoliaBeige · 29/08/2021 18:32

You were a bit rude to ask to bring a guest when they’d offered the place to you. It sounds like they offered it to you so you could catch up with THEM and you changed it to using it with your friend.

They were a bit rude to wait to ask you to pay money for the stay.

You were daft to offer to pay them and then get the hump when they (admittedly belatedly) took you up on your offer.