Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

@Winemewhynot

Well, I think they did mean it as they offered it in the context of OP visiting them to spend time with them. I don’t think they expected her to use it as a hotel while on holiday with a friend instead of just coming to visit them

Agree with this: they’re seeing it as no longer their friend coming to visit them but their friend holidaying in their cottage with a friend.

Totally agree

@ploomo WHISKEY that costs £150? WTF?

How many bottles? I'd want at least 10 bottles for that!

misses point of thread

Anyhoo, I would tell your friends with the holiday cottage that you can't go tbh. I think they are a bit cheeky suddenly charging £500, but then you have been a bit cheeky too, by inviting your mate.

So it's best all round to cancel IMO.

I also wonder if they've just had an offer to rent their cottage and realise that they'll miss out on the cash if they give it to you. Hence the recent change of tune.

Either way, this would totally sour a friendship for me. I wouldn't bother with them in future, especially because I've read about your updates on how you've helped them out in the past.

FHS! Tell your friend! She'd be mortified if she found out. Then you can be truthful with her, as friends are with each other, and discuss whether either of you wants to go. I wouldn't want to have to see 'friends' like the couple after that, tbh and wouldn't enjoy the holiday. Tell your friend how you feel.

Ok so your most recent post has changed my perception somewhat.

You've obviously gone out of your way to help their family in the past and have hosted them on multiple occasions.

I do still think inviting your friend is the catalyst here, but in light of your additional information I do think they should have stick to their original offer.

At this point I'd probably message them back along the lines of that they have put you in a very awkward situation in that you feel unable to ask your friend to contribute, so the full £500 would fall to you and that in view of their initial kindness as well of brining bedding and cleaning the cottage you have already spent £200 on gifts for them to thank them for their generosity.

In light of this perhaps it's best if you and friend book your own accommodation, leaving them to book out the cottage to someone else on a commercial basis and hope you can all meet up one evening for dinner.

That puts the ball back in their court.

Op I think if you can find somewhere else for same / similar money I'd stay elsewhere.

I think they are being cheeky asking for money, and expecting you to clean the place. You are either a friend visiting or a paying customer you can't be both.

The blurred boundaries would make things very awkward however if you stay elsewhere it would mark the end of the friendship. But I also doubt you'd want them to visit you again anyway.

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

OP offered and they said no. OP then splurged on whiskey and other goodies for them They are cf

Aahhh ok thank you... I totally missed that bit 🌸

Settle isn't that exciting.

I would be v cheesed off by this, if they want to charge £500 I would ask them to add on the cost of the cleaner as not much of a holiday otherwise.

Cancel 🎉

Greedy rich people 🤷‍♀️

It would be fine if they had said in the first place " Bring your friend but it will cost 500".

It's really NOT on to have offered a lot of free "friends" hospitality then demand payment after you accepted. Damn sure I would NOT be taking the whisky.

I'd reply something pointed like "Of course I will pay as I don't want to disappoint my friend".

They were very clearly wrong to change their "terms" from free to £500. If they didn't want your other friend coming, or if they felt it changed the dynamics and they wanted reimbursement for her stay, they should've mentioned that right away, or at least within a day or two. I could argue it either way as to whether or not you should have asked if your friend could come, but they should be ashamed to say it was fine, then try to charge you £500 more than a month later.

You may think that £500 or even £1000 isn't much to them, but someone who would be "quite upset when their pension funds reached a million quid and they were no longer able to get tax relief" doesn't sound like someone who would sneeze at the potential/theoretical loss of a grand. It's human nature to always want more, regardless of how much we already have.

If you do go, I'd split it halfway with your friend and definitely not give the "hosts" the expensive gifts you'd planned. They'd be getting something much, much less costly, if anything at all, since you're now "paying guests". I also wouldn't be as likely to take them out for a meal. Tbh, the friendship would be forever tainted, after something like this. Sad, but true.

They are being a bit weird.

OP offered to pay as soon as she asked if a friend could come and this offer was refused. They then changed their minds.

I would be upfront with the friend and at least ask for a contribution. I would also leave the whisky at home for another time.

You're friends said it was done for a month and then changed their mind?? Very poor of them, op. I don't think you've done anything wrong. They are greedy chancers.

You and your friend could cancel and book that cheaper Airbnb... might be easier than taking your own duvets, pillows and towels then deep cleaning the house!!

It was wholly wrong to change their minds at the last minute, definitely, but also really not great to put them on the spot over the friend of a friend in the first place. Do they even know this other person? I suspect they felt it changed the entire dynamic of the stay from the one they had imagined and they got cold feet. Tbh, I would find it off if I had invited friends to stay with me if they said they were bringing a stranger along with them but would pay for the stranger. It completely changes the dynamic of the visit! The OP even acknowledged it completely changed the nature of the visit by offering to pay in the first place. Either the OP is a complete hypocrite who doesn’t say what they really mean (ie offered to pay expecting this offer to be turned down), or they are a bit dim for not realising how much they put their friends on the spot by turning a gesture of friendship into a financial transaction.

The thing that would annoy me most here is the bit about cleaning. They actually said they will give you mates rates not because you are mates but because you will leave it cleaner than when you found it! WTF does that even mean? Will they charge you more if it isn’t cleaned to their satisfaction?

Your friend cancelled greece because of covid - sharing the £500 is a lot less than a trip to greece - I would ask her what she wants to do but you shouldn't feel you need to foot the entire bill yourself. They changed the goal posts not you.

Look op, they've obviously been bitching and moaning behind your back, presumably about the friend. Either they've both had a change of heart or the person who wrote the email saying that's fine has had his or her ear bent by their partner who wasn't ok with it.

Maybe they've been posting on MillionPoundPensionPot.net and the denizens of said site have pronounced you CF and told them that "No is a complete sentence, email back and charge them £500".

Anyway, it would all feel horribly awkward to me to visit now, knowing that you are absolutely NOT welcome. Possibly best to find yourself self-isolating that week, or just that something nebulous has "popped up" and you can't come.

I doubt the friendship will ever really recover.

Having read the further update as to how you've been there to help, and have hosted them on numerous occasions, it makes it all the more understandable that you'd be confused and hurt by the sudden asking for money, for quite frankly very little other than a roof. I'd be saddened by the turn of events. You clearly care for these people, and with that in mind, I would definitely cancel and rearrange. When anything like this is monetised it sours relationships and is therefore best avoided. You've put thought and a reasonable amount of money into a thank you gift. I wonder if it would have been truly appreciated.

@Szyz2020

The thing that would annoy me most here is the bit about cleaning. They actually said they will give you mates rates not because you are mates but because you will leave it cleaner than when you found it! WTF does that even mean? Will they charge you more if it isn’t cleaned to their satisfaction?

This is the bit that would truly rankle with me as well! So cheeky!

Cancel.
They are being super awkward.

@canigooutyet

£500 for utilities for the week is taking the piss. You are also paying for them taking you out as a treat.

I would decline and either try and get refunds for the gifts you have already bought or enjoy them.

Get yourself on lastminute. A week in Tenerife for example was only around £280 with flights and accommodation this morning. They also had some amazing deals for under £500 for the UK as well.

They are paying half what the friend usually charges, £500 seems fair. We booked a cottage for 4 nights in the UK which was more than £500.

For the OP you should speak with your friend. If she was going to shell out for Greece then I'm sure she can contribute her half. As for the food and whisky, cancel those orders

Maybe they've had enquiries to rent the cottage and have asked you to pay £500 in the hope you do cancel. Either way they make some money whether you come or not. They sound like CFs to me.

Just pay and play it by ear. Its £250 so its not much each.

I think it depends if they extend their hospitality to your friend or not. If they do, then thats great a good time will be had by all. If they don't, well then you know they were miffed and you and your friend can have a good time on your own.

I would probably cancel the whisky though. Not out of sour grapes, just a bit awkward.

@legoriakelne

I have never visited before. They have invited me several times but I've never been able to fit a visit in since they moved in nearly five years ago.

This should have been in your op.

They invited you to come and see them as friends.

You couldn't be bothered to visit them in 5 years.

Earlier this year they invited me to come in September

Even after 5 years of you not bothering with them they extended another invite to you to visit them. Not to use their property for a free holiday - to visit them as a friend.

You accepted on that basis.

Then you threw it back in their face by deciding to use them for a freebie holiday for you and your mate instead.

You have been extremely rude and hurtful.

You can spend time with us but come and go as you please

This doesn't mean 'come and exploit us', they were offering reassurance that you wouldn't be in each other's pockets 24/7 if you visited to try and encourage you to come and see them. Same as groups of friends going away together might book adjacent cottages or do a few activities apart so everyone has sufficient breathing space.

At no point have they ever invited you to use their accommodation to provide your mates with free holidays. They offered you somewhere to stay whilst visiting them as a friend to save you paying for accommodation in order to see them.

I gave them ample opportunity to get out of saying yes to my friend coming with me. I said they only had to say that they it didn't suit them and I wouldn't mention it again and no offence would be taken. Instead they said that she was welcome and any friend of mine was a friend of theirs.

You should not have put them in the position of having to say no I'm the first place! How can you not get that?

You put them on the spot. I expect they were shocked and may not have initially realised what you were saying. They tried to be kind to you and then with time to reflect realised they were being used. You're not going as their friend to visit them, you're going on holiday with your mate and want to use their accommodation.

Your nose is out of joint because you thought you'd wrangled a free holiday for you and your mate, and now you're embarrassed at being caught out for your poor behaviour - not because they've been wrong to offer you a 50% discount for your holiday, which is very generous considering your hurtful treatment of them.

You’re going to miss out on that bottle of whisky, aren’t you?