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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
SpindleWhorl · 28/08/2021 21:02

No, he doesn't sound like he's cheating, @Livvielo.

He's probably safer, seeing how drunk he's got, sticking with people rather than trying to stagger home on his own anyway. He'll likely pass out on a sofa within minutes anyway by the sounds of it.

You can cancel the lunch in the morning when he doesn't answer his phone at 9am Grin

IridescentPurple · 28/08/2021 21:03

A colleague of mine went one stop further than us once. Only about 10 mins. He didn't turn up for work the next day. We nearly reported him missing

A friend of mine caught the last train to Bath and finished up in Wales.
Was quite funny at the time. Not for him.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:04

@RamblingJenny

No no no - he should not be telling you what he’s doing, he should be asking you what you think and if it’s okay or not. I’d loose my sh!t and tell him to get here tonight otherwise it’s over.
Yes I should definitely break up with him after 17 years because he’s sleeping on his mates futon after a few too many tequila shots. He also didn’t put his pants in the washing machine the other day. He left them on the floor of the bedroom. You’re right. I should definitely LTB and tell our kids that daddy chose a night out over them.
OP posts:
peaceanddove · 28/08/2021 21:05

@RamblingJenny

No no no - he should not be telling you what he’s doing, he should be asking you what you think and if it’s okay or not. I’d loose my sh!t and tell him to get here tonight otherwise it’s over.
Dear Lord! Is this a wind up?
shapes1 · 28/08/2021 21:05

F

DuckDuckGooses · 28/08/2021 21:09

OP I genuinely wouldn't worry!! My DP has done this - his "mate" lives three houses down the street from us Grin his reasoning was I would wait up otherwise, or he'd wake me when he came in noisily at stupid o'clock and I'd be annoyed! It was amazing, I went to bed with a book and woke up at a normal time - he rolled in about 10am having already got the worst of his hangover out of the way. Win win!! Smile drunks don't always make logical decisions - I'd imagine a few of the golfers have probably already arranged to all go back to one house to carry on the party after london Smile just keep your fingers crossed you get the cancel the IL lunch tomorrow, and enjoy your evening Wine

saraclara · 28/08/2021 21:11

If he's that drunk, it sounds like he'd be incapable of doing anything with Sally anyway Grin

Cheeeeislifenow · 28/08/2021 21:14

If your cool with it now op? Why ask the question is it okay??
This would not cross my mind to ask.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 28/08/2021 21:15

Oh just go to bed and then make fun of his hangover tomorrow! What is the grand transgression he is supposed to have committed? You’re married, not joined at the hip.

(I would definitely do the same to him when he’s in with the kids one night though)

ThirdElephant · 28/08/2021 21:15

I actually think it's the right call. I've read some atrocious things on here- men coming back so blotto that they urinate in the bedroom corner in front of their partner, to name one particularly horrible one- and I'd rather not see my partner if they were getting themselves into that state.

ejhhhhh · 28/08/2021 21:16

If it was a friend that I knew I wouldn't have a problem with this. But a new colleague who may or may not be female? I'm not so sure.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:17

I’m ok. I think reading all the replies here has actually made me ok. Because thinking of it clearly, the thought of DH with sally doing cocaine is making me laugh out loud Grin I think I was (still a bit) annoyed because it wasn’t planned and it isn’t something we usually do. But I will try to embrace spontaneity once in a while.

OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 28/08/2021 21:18

It doesn’t quite add up to me, he’s not worked there that long so not like he’s good long term mates with them, no mention of staying out previously, it’s only another 10 minutes home. You’ll probably get more of a idea whether he’s been genuine or not tomorrow, depending on what time he gets back and how he acts over the next few days.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:20

He does have female colleagues and yes @ejhhhhh they will be out as well. I haven’t met them but he does tell me about them now and again. Most recently he asked my ‘advice’ on if he should say something to one of his colleagues as it looked like she had a baby bump. He wanted to know if he should congratulate her on her pregnancy, even though she hasn’t announced a pregnancy. Grin
I told him definitely not.

As long as it’s not Sally and it’s his baby, then we’re all good.

OP posts:
peaceanddove · 28/08/2021 21:23

@Livvielo

I’m ok. I think reading all the replies here has actually made me ok. Because thinking of it clearly, the thought of DH with sally doing cocaine is making me laugh out loud Grin I think I was (still a bit) annoyed because it wasn’t planned and it isn’t something we usually do. But I will try to embrace spontaneity once in a while.
I'm glad you're taking the sensible approach OP. In relationships that are secure, generous, supportive and joyous this would be a complete non-event Hmm
Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:26

@peaceanddove you’re spot on. I think as things are usually so predictable and uneventful, this is eventful for me Grin

OP posts:
Canvaslady · 28/08/2021 21:27

I would do something like this and then regret it horribly when I wake up on the sofa at 5am with a banging hangover. I actually feel bad for him, tomorrow might be hard going!!!

Summersun2020 · 28/08/2021 21:30

OP I would relax. I get it’s making you uneasy if it’s unusual to you, but sounds like he’s just had one too many and let his hair down. Ignore the suggestions he’s shagging someone or on a coke fuelled bender Hmm I’ll often bunk over at a friends after a night out (or bring friends back to mine the kip on the sofa!) and it’s no big deal. Enjoy the bed to yourself, enjoy the fact he won’t be coming home pissed and annoying and make sure your November night out is a big one Grin

pecanmix · 28/08/2021 21:32

Urgh id much rather dh stayed out when drunk. Can't bear the alcohol smell and nonsense talk at stupid o clock!

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:36

@Canvaslady

I would do something like this and then regret it horribly when I wake up on the sofa at 5am with a banging hangover. I actually feel bad for him, tomorrow might be hard going!!!
Yep and he will miss my amazing fry ups that I do every Sunday Grin
OP posts:
Hellotoallmyfans · 28/08/2021 21:36

I think it depends how well you know your dh/if you trust him. For me, it would ring massive alarm bells as dh has never spent a night away from home and it would be massively out of character for him to do so.

Your spidey-senses are obviously tingling OP.

Original poster
Livvielo · 28/08/2021 21:45

@SpindleWhorl

No, he doesn't sound like he's cheating, *@Livvielo*.

He's probably safer, seeing how drunk he's got, sticking with people rather than trying to stagger home on his own anyway. He'll likely pass out on a sofa within minutes anyway by the sounds of it.

You can cancel the lunch in the morning when he doesn't answer his phone at 9am Grin

I’ve decided not to remind him of the lunch. Hopefully he is still snoring on Sally’s sofa by 11am and I will have to send an apologetic message to the MIL to cancel Sunday lunch. I’ll get me and the kids a maccy D’s and enjoy myself Wink
OP posts:
3Br1tnee · 28/08/2021 21:46

@Livvielo

They still have to get the train back from London though so it’s not saving him time or effort.
❄❄❄
peachykeenjellybaby · 28/08/2021 21:47

Presumably they're sharing s cab. He probably wants to get smashed without waking you in the early hours

ChoporNot · 28/08/2021 21:48

DH occassionally did this. No nefarious business. No shagging Sally the receptionist. Just the beer head on and the whole "I love enveryone and am having a marvellous time and socialising is great and I don't want this evening to end and I love beer and being out is great and I love everyone and being out is great I don't want to go home yet". Lack of punctuation intended.

Your DH is just having a great time. Plus probably for your DH the bliss of being out after 47 years of lock down..... He loves everyone. And beer. And life is great and he doesn't want the evening to end.

I bet as soon as he is on the train, or on Dave from Accounts's sofa he think "Fuck. Tired now. Wish I'd gone home."

Hope his hangover is not too bad.