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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
Saracen · 29/08/2021 01:37

He's been really sensible and considerate, making sure he doesn't stagger in drunkenly bothering you and the kids late at night, or puking in your house. He even remembered to let you know he wasn't coming home, which is pretty good going in view of how drunk he is.

Full marks to him.

IridescentPurple · 29/08/2021 02:21

My ex-h once text me to say he was crashing in the hotel his "friend" from another town was staying in and he'd see me in the morning. It was 10 mins away 🙄. He rocked up in the morning and couldn't look at me. His affair eventually came out. I'd be asking him to come home. Then you need to have a chat when he's sober

What a load of incendiary bollocks. OK. Maybe there are some women on here who have massive axes to grind with their menfolk. Like this poster whose husband was shagging another woman. But in the universal scheme of things, with young kids, one or the other of the parents is going to get let out, have a short taste of freedom. and the make the most of it. And why not. If OP is afforded equal opportunity where lies a problem?

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 02:32

To be fair, last trains seem so horribly early after a few drinks, and when you're a bit pissed, the idea of staying at your mates so you can keep the party going ALWAYS seems like SUCH a good idea.

Just relish the thought of how awful it is waking up on someone's sofa with a banging headache and vodka breath and then having to sit in a taxi home trying not to puke Grin

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 02:33

PS: I've drunkenly stayed over at my friends house an endless number of times and on none of those have I ended up sleeping with that friend so I think the PPs are being a bit dramatic 😂

IridescentPurple · 29/08/2021 02:38

No no no - he should not be telling you what he’s doing, he should be asking you what you think and if it’s okay or not. I’d loose my sh!t and tell him to get here tonight otherwise it’s over

Yeah. Well, for me you'd have to be joking. And your significant other would have to have an idea that you were joking. Otherwise, if I were him or her, I would be happily waving you goodbye.

IridescentPurple · 29/08/2021 02:48

He also didn’t put his pants in the washing machine the other day. He left them on the floor of the bedroom

OMGOP!!

How can you live with a man like that!??

Next you know, he'll be forgetting to bring you up a cup of tea in the morning! They can be proper bastards like that, you know. Just a warning.

IridescentPurple · 29/08/2021 02:57

And i think youre making excuses for him

And I think that could be just bollocks. See how that works?

StoppinBy · 29/08/2021 03:06

My guess is that he is just having fun and wants to continue the fun (in a non sexual way) back at his friends house.

We came out of lockdown and my friend and I decided to go out drinking, I was meant to be back home early as it was my daughter's birthday the next day, we got a bit carried away and I ended up back home at about 5am. This is totally out of character for me as I always put my kids first but this one time, after so long not seeing friends I just got a bit carried away.

I don't think he's cheating, he's just having a great night and doesn't want it to end any sooner than it has too.

abstractprojection · 29/08/2021 03:21

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

If you trust him it's a non issue (presuming you don't have plans together tomorrow that would be affected by this). It might be close to you but perhaps they want to continue the celebrations at his mate's house.

If you don't trust him then that's the issue, not that he wants to do this.

Pretty much this

I stay over at a friends sometimes when a dinner turns into a night out into to an all nighter.

It can annoy even disappoint my OH if he’s expecting me home or that I’ll be his all weekend but I think it’s important this needs to balanced with my own need for a bit of spontaneity and I don’t have a lot of nights short so why cut one short for no reason. So it’s not something I’d do often, or if we had actual plans the next day, but once in a blue moon sure

1forAll74 · 29/08/2021 03:55

I don't understand why this would be an issue, as in a partner going to celebrate someones birthday, having some food and drink, and staying over at someones place after. All this inquisition about this happening, is totally over the top. It's what he chose to do, and that's that. I don't know why so many people would get rattled about such a thing.

garlictwist · 29/08/2021 03:58

Why would you be annoyed? I'd be glad he was staying out and wouldn't wake me up. I would actively encourage it!

3Br1tnee · 29/08/2021 07:12

@Babyjune21

If my husband text me that completely out the blue , no warning I’d text back no problem then I’d pack all his shit in black bags stick them in the drive way snap a picture of them and text “ hope you have a great night you’ll not be coming home tonight or any night from now on pick your shit up with your hangover in the morning “

See how fast he’d come home then Confused

Why Confused

My DH has done this a couple of times. He rarely goes out, was at a family thing and they wanted to continue the party.

I just said fair enough, I've dine it myself before, and collected him the next day.

Like a normal person 🤷‍♀️

LadyEloise1 · 29/08/2021 07:44

Because I am a world class worrier - Olympic level if it existed- I would think he had met someone he'd like to spend the night with.
Because home is only an extra 3 stops on the tube and it's completely out of character.

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 29/08/2021 07:57

I'd also carry on with plans with in-laws with or without him, they'll be looking forward to seeing you all and it's nice for (hopefully) you and the kids rather than waiting around for him. Best to get on with your own thing in my experience.

YukoandHiro · 29/08/2021 08:01

Depends on the man... if my husband said that I'd immediately assume it was a woman as he's just not the sort to crash with friends if there's any other alternative available.

But if he's often doing this sort of thing then just enjoy the peace...?

chocolateorangeinhaler · 29/08/2021 08:16

Wouldn't have an issue at all. They probably wanted to carry on drinking.

I see there is a bit of grumbling as it's only 3 stops away. How long is that time wise? 10mins or an hour. I wouldn't want an hour on my own on a train pissed up at 2 am. Probably safer for him to be with a mate when in that state.

The only thing I would be annoyed with is if they have stayed up drinking till sunrise and when he does get in then goes straight to bed or spends the whole day moaning how he is going to die because he's got a bad hangover.

You do know you can do the same if you want to?

Teacupsandtoast · 29/08/2021 08:54

Is he alive OP? 😂

SpindleWhorl · 29/08/2021 09:26

The OP said earlier it's 10 minutes, @chocolaterangeinhaler, which is why I guess she was a bit put out at first.

I hope he's all right and not in a skip somewhere.

(Aged 25, I once spent the night sleeping in a carpark, on the ground, next to a withered bush, having missed a travellers' hostel curfew. Not my finest moment.)

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 29/08/2021 09:45

Really hope you manage to give us an update on how his night ended up / how he is when he gets home and whether you do indeed end up making it to your in laws! Grin

CallmeHendricks · 29/08/2021 10:16

Still curious as to where he left his golf clubs!

peaceanddove · 29/08/2021 10:24

@Babyjune21

If my husband text me that completely out the blue , no warning I’d text back no problem then I’d pack all his shit in black bags stick them in the drive way snap a picture of them and text “ hope you have a great night you’ll not be coming home tonight or any night from now on pick your shit up with your hangover in the morning “

See how fast he’d come home then Confused

If this is your joyless, embittered attitude toward your DH I'm amazed he ever comes home at all.
spongedog · 29/08/2021 10:26

@RevolvingPivot Sat 28-Aug-21 20:03:35

When my husband goes out I look after the children the day after. What's the point in going out and having a drink if you know you have to be up early with the kids?

Yes because presumably you have discussed it like adults in advance and agreed that. Not just dumped it on the other parent after the evening has started. Your lifestyle choice is sensible but not what's happened here.

Veronika13 · 29/08/2021 10:26

I think he could have asked or discussed it with you! How shitty just to announce it to you
Imagine you went out and messaged him that's?! 'Don't wait up - bye 👋🏻'
So f* disrespectful. Not acceptable, I would have said this is not on!

Brainwave89 · 29/08/2021 10:42

So if he was quite drunk and crashed on a mate's floor, (even if he was nearly home), I would be somewhat irritated and would let him know this...but I cannot come to such things with clean hands having done pretty much the same thing once or twice... Key question is would he be okay if you did the same thing next week- and he was left looking after small kids whilst you recovered from the hangover from hell... if yes then some mild retribution is appropriate if not, then there is more of an issue.

user1471462428 · 29/08/2021 12:17

I’m interested to know if op’s husband has returned from his adventure and how badly he smells??? I’d send him out with the in laws just to watch him turn green over Sunday dinner Grin