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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH ‘I’m not coming home.’

385 replies

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 19:31

DH is out tonight. Someone at work is celebrating their 40th birthday.
They went to a golf club this afternoon and had lunch and drinks after. They’ve now gone into London. DH has just messaged me this:
‘Don’t wait up for me. I’m not coming home.’
I asked why.
His reply ‘crashing at work mates flat because it’s closer’ (he then said where it was. It’s 3 stops on the train before our stop. Hmm
AIBU to be annoyed at this??

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 01:14

Oh and for those asking about the golf clubs Grin not everyone went on the night out after the golfing afternoon, so they took the clubs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 01:16

Both the DC are at a friends house tomorrow. I might go out Grin

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/08/2021 01:23

But I am annoyed that he didn’t seem at all apologetic that he missed lunch with his parents or worrying me with no contact this morning, didn’t seem to care that I drove to his mates to get him, he just enjoyed his sleep all day.

Yeah this would be what annoyed me - a lot of entitlement in that series of events. I hope he says thanks soon and sorry for not saying it sooner!

Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 01:59

I think he would be fine if I did the same. But I know he would also want to know where I was in case of an emergency. I really started to worry that something had happened to him whilst he was so drunk, or he hadn’t made it back to his mates. No idea who his mate even was, so trawling through Facebook to find his work mates took me ages. I clicked on a few people until I found one that had his place of work on there, an open profile with a photo of all of them in London. Had to wait for his friend to get the message, gave him my number. Then the phone call which was just embarrassing tbh. Felt like I was his mum doing that 😩 then the wait to find out the address. Asking the in-laws to still come and take the DC out, a 30 minute drive to go get him, 30 minute drive back. For him just to fuck off to bed, wake up a few hours later and ask me to feed him. He fucked up there I think!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 02:00

The only sorry I got was ‘sorry my phone died.’

OP posts:
3Br1tnee · 30/08/2021 08:35

@Livvielo

Both the DC are at a friends house tomorrow. I might go out Grin
Why go out when it will be easy for him? Go our darn they are both there, overtired and hyped up on sweets.
3Br1tnee · 30/08/2021 08:36

Our darn = out when

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 30/08/2021 08:36

Glad all turned out in the end @Livvielo... if it was 30 mins drive to where he was was that the same mates 3 stops away by train? Or did they end up at a different mates?
I was to of the opinion having a good night etc, better if he stays out judging by the state of him Grin but yes the lack of apology for not being contactable the next morning, which would have worried you, the inconvenience to you / kids / in-laws and trooping off to bed all day then expecting food... hmmmm is not acceptable but is probably forgivable as long as it doesn't become a regular occurrence with his new work mates. Hope you have a good day today.

DancesWithTortoises · 30/08/2021 09:07

This is not a prince.

patchoulicloud · 30/08/2021 09:33

@Livvielo

I think he would be fine if I did the same. But I know he would also want to know where I was in case of an emergency. I really started to worry that something had happened to him whilst he was so drunk, or he hadn’t made it back to his mates. No idea who his mate even was, so trawling through Facebook to find his work mates took me ages. I clicked on a few people until I found one that had his place of work on there, an open profile with a photo of all of them in London. Had to wait for his friend to get the message, gave him my number. Then the phone call which was just embarrassing tbh. Felt like I was his mum doing that 😩 then the wait to find out the address. Asking the in-laws to still come and take the DC out, a 30 minute drive to go get him, 30 minute drive back. For him just to fuck off to bed, wake up a few hours later and ask me to feed him. He fucked up there I think!!!
But you didn't need to do any of that did you. You could have left him to find his own way home and got on with your day.

I'd be mortified if my partner turned up at my friend's house to take me home after a bender. You're not his mum and he's not a 15 year old who drank too much Pernod and black.

patchoulicloud · 30/08/2021 09:35

This place is ridiculous about this sort of thing. Some people like to go out, they get wasted occasionally, they might even take drugs now and again.
It doesn't make them awful, selfish, immoral people.
Honestly, I'm in my 40s and listening to some people on here whining about their partners going out and having fun sounds so smothering it makes me want to scream.

Thank fuck my partner doesn't expect me to ask permission to have a life outside of our relationship and doesn't treat me like a pariah if I go a bit too far.
He'll laugh with/at me and will get me my favourite hangover food as I would do for him too.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 09:40

@Livvielo

I think he would be fine if I did the same. But I know he would also want to know where I was in case of an emergency. I really started to worry that something had happened to him whilst he was so drunk, or he hadn’t made it back to his mates. No idea who his mate even was, so trawling through Facebook to find his work mates took me ages. I clicked on a few people until I found one that had his place of work on there, an open profile with a photo of all of them in London. Had to wait for his friend to get the message, gave him my number. Then the phone call which was just embarrassing tbh. Felt like I was his mum doing that 😩 then the wait to find out the address. Asking the in-laws to still come and take the DC out, a 30 minute drive to go get him, 30 minute drive back. For him just to fuck off to bed, wake up a few hours later and ask me to feed him. He fucked up there I think!!!
Why on earth did you do that? You chose to behave as if you’re his mum. If my bloke did that to me I’d never forgive him and I definitely wouldn’t put up with it. You need to sort out some boundaries.
lifehappened · 30/08/2021 09:47

@patchoulicloud

This place is ridiculous about this sort of thing. Some people like to go out, they get wasted occasionally, they might even take drugs now and again. It doesn't make them awful, selfish, immoral people. Honestly, I'm in my 40s and listening to some people on here whining about their partners going out and having fun sounds so smothering it makes me want to scream.

Thank fuck my partner doesn't expect me to ask permission to have a life outside of our relationship and doesn't treat me like a pariah if I go a bit too far.
He'll laugh with/at me and will get me my favourite hangover food as I would do for him too.

Couldn't agree more. Then you get accused of trying to be the "cool kid" when really you're just not uptight 😂
Kiduknot · 30/08/2021 09:49

I'd be mortified if my partner turned up at my friend's house to take me home after a bender. You're not his mum and he's not a 15 year old who drank too much Pernod and black.

I have to agree with this tbh. My embarrassment would be greater than my need to apologise. He’s going to get a lot of ribbing from his colleagues about how you tracked him down.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t have been worried like you, and I’d have probably given him grief for not contacting me and worrying me, but he did apologise for his phone dying. Time to forgive and move on. Apologise for embarrassing him but don’t apologise for being worried.

peaceanddove · 30/08/2021 10:21

Jesus Christ, I cannot believe you contacted his work colleagues to track him down. I would be livid if DH did this to me, how utterly mortifying for your poor DH.

Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 11:29

Can’t win really on here. Grin I can imagine if I posted it was me on a night out, had decided to stay out at a mates by just messaging my partner I’m not coming home. Got so wasted I missed a lunch planned with my own parents and DH was left to work sort that out, left myself uncontactable, not been at all bothered when my partner was worried if I was ok as it was so out of character for me to do that and then just fucked off to bed and woke up asking him what he was cooking for me. 😂 it would have been ‘maybe you should grow up and act like a mother. Not surprised your partner is annoyed at you.’ Hmm he doesn’t need my permission to go out but there was a lack of respect in the way he did it.

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 30/08/2021 11:30

Why did you go get him? He will never live that down at work.

RevolvingPivot · 30/08/2021 11:31

Cross posted with a few I see.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 11:32

You really need to look at what you did @Livvielo. It was bang out of order.

Original poster
Livvielo · 30/08/2021 11:34

@Hiphopboppertybop99

Glad all turned out in the end *@Livvielo*... if it was 30 mins drive to where he was was that the same mates 3 stops away by train? Or did they end up at a different mates? I was to of the opinion having a good night etc, better if he stays out judging by the state of him Grin but yes the lack of apology for not being contactable the next morning, which would have worried you, the inconvenience to you / kids / in-laws and trooping off to bed all day then expecting food... hmmmm is not acceptable but is probably forgivable as long as it doesn't become a regular occurrence with his new work mates. Hope you have a good day today.
Thank you, and yes that was the same person 3 stops away on the train.
OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 30/08/2021 11:34

Of course OP wasn't out of order. Her DH was out of order for getting so drunk he was helpless.

Hope he's learned a salutary lesson.

Can't believe OP is getting grief for worrying about her feckless DH.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 11:38

@DancesWithTortoises

Of course OP wasn't out of order. Her DH was out of order for getting so drunk he was helpless.

Hope he's learned a salutary lesson.

Can't believe OP is getting grief for worrying about her feckless DH.

She’s not getting grief for worrying. Her behaviour was outrageous. Worry all you like but stalking on FB, messaging his colleague, making an excruciating phone call, then collecting him like a naughty child is quite shocking.
Queenofsupreme · 30/08/2021 11:47

If his phone battery died couldn’t he have called you on one of his friends phones or emailed you? I’ve done the whole stay over at friends and I made sure I contacted the next day. You never know what can happen to someone when they’re in a state and it is worrying for their partner. He doesn’t seem to have had any consideration for you or his parents ! Yes, we all like a blow out but he should have at least been apologetic and not an ass when he came back. I would be definitely calling him out on his behaviour afterwards.
I wouldn’t have tried to find him though , unless it got to night time, I’d assume he was a grown man and would find home eventually

patchoulicloud · 30/08/2021 11:56

@DancesWithTortoises

Of course OP wasn't out of order. Her DH was out of order for getting so drunk he was helpless.

Hope he's learned a salutary lesson.

Can't believe OP is getting grief for worrying about her feckless DH.

He wasn't helpless, he was pissed and crashed out to sleep it off. He didn't need his partner swooping in to rescue him and nor would she the other way round.

It's also not really fair to then get pissed off with him for not showing the appropriate amount of contrition/gratitude for the unrequested rescue.

Flipflop87 · 30/08/2021 12:00

I wouldn’t have a problem with this but it depends on your history etc. If your kids were younger then yeah. Like if you had screaming baby or crazy toddlers etc.
If you don’t trust him then that’s something that needs addressing or thinking about.