Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Daisy95 · 28/08/2021 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisy95 · 28/08/2021 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 20:06

@HaveringWavering

He asked for the money, then I sent back the 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He came back with the reply about checking his finances, then sent another message about having a nice night.

OP posts:
RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 20:06

@Feelingmardy

Because I'd expect him to say at the table rather than afterwards, ie 'shall I put this on my card and you give me the cash/bacs' not be Billy big bollocks and pay and then ask the next day. Probably OP knowing this should say at the table 'how much do I owe'

It's often more convenient for one person to get the bill and then split the cost later. It's not billy big bollocks, it's just pragmatic. If the OP just assumed she was paying for her own, rather than assuming she was being treated, then there would be no problem.

But then surely he shouldn’t expect her to cook, bring beers or pay for him either??
MrsLargeEmbodied · 28/08/2021 20:07

life isnt a roses,
discussions about money need to be had in the grown up world.

Feelingmardy · 28/08/2021 20:10

But then surely he shouldn’t expect her to cook, bring beers or pay for him either??

He absolutely shouldn't and OP is well within her rights to say no to all of that. But the fact that she does so does not obligate him to 'treat her'. The issue, as others have said, is poor communication. I suspect that might be, at least in part, linked to an idea of romance which can never be the be-all of a relationship.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/08/2021 20:11

Maybe he's paying the bill because OP makes no move to do so and someone has to.

Unless he says 'let me treat you to dinner tonight', he isn't offering to treat you.

Just pay your part of the bill(s) and have a conversation with him about money, like a grown up.

Hemingwaycat · 28/08/2021 20:12

He’s a tight arse, I’d probably get rid.

RacistAngst · 28/08/2021 20:14

@@treated50. I have a similar arrangement with two good friends.
We never split bills, just ensure that it evens out. We usually end up fighting over who will pay this time ((as in everyone wanting to pay).

I think this works well when all the persons involved are careful and keep an eye. It’s much harder when one person isn’t as careful. Or uses that as an opportunity for freeloading.

Ime,, I’d say. If you want to treat him, do it (like the piece you picked up for him). Don’t do it for his shopping (I bet he doesn’t do some shopping for you).
Then I’d agree to take it in turns with restaurants/drinks out.

QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 20:23

@EKGEMS

Honestly,OP,I don't get the impression you are a freeloader or tight. I think some of the previous posters are acting like a dog on a bone and not carefully reading your posts or fixating on one part of your comments. I think going home and looking at his finances is a ridiculous reason to give and as an adult you look at your finances prior to going out and inviting your gf to dinner

agreed 🌸

Crowsaregreat · 28/08/2021 20:24

Yanbu

It's not about spending money per se, it's about retrospectively changing the rules. If you can't afford dinner out then you say so and make something at home, or go somewhere cheaper.

He sounds tightfisted and mean.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/08/2021 20:27

Yanbu

He should be clear at the time that you’re splitting it - both putting cards down and asking the waiter/ waitress to split it.

It’s the asking the next day that’s so unattractive. It’s like he wants to look good in public but doesn’t actually value you enough to pay some times.

TheVolturi · 28/08/2021 20:29

I dated a guy like this. He lived 20 miles away, we each had our own house but he refused to stay at mine because he was a snob. He lived in a 'better' town than me, ever so slightly rural and I lived in a busy town. My house was lovely and newly renovated but he liked me to trek all the way over to his 4x a week. When we went out he used to work out half the bill before it had even arrived. I didn't quibble, I just paid, I was happy to pay half. However at the weekend when we stayed at his house he used to ask me for half of his weekly food shop. I was not happy about this because I had food in my own fridge that we could have eaten if he'd only lower himself to stay at my humble abode. And I earned far less than him and was out of pocket for my petrol with traipsing over to his house all of the time.
He never ever 'treated' me.
Some people are weird.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/08/2021 20:31

Also I think if your instinct is that this is off/ tight then it probably is.

QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 20:35

@TheVolturi

I dated a guy like this. He lived 20 miles away, we each had our own house but he refused to stay at mine because he was a snob. He lived in a 'better' town than me, ever so slightly rural and I lived in a busy town. My house was lovely and newly renovated but he liked me to trek all the way over to his 4x a week. When we went out he used to work out half the bill before it had even arrived. I didn't quibble, I just paid, I was happy to pay half. However at the weekend when we stayed at his house he used to ask me for half of his weekly food shop. I was not happy about this because I had food in my own fridge that we could have eaten if he'd only lower himself to stay at my humble abode. And I earned far less than him and was out of pocket for my petrol with traipsing over to his house all of the time. He never ever 'treated' me. Some people are weird.

he sounds like an oxygen thief ..

glad he's an Ex

TheVolturi · 28/08/2021 20:37

Thanks! Me too.

georgarina · 28/08/2021 20:45

That would give me the major ick!!

It's not splitting the meal, it's asking for half after.

Adults check their finances before going out. They don't go out, check, and then work out who they can ask for their bit back. Definitely seems tight especially this early in the relationship...imagine how it would be later on.

AlbertBridge · 28/08/2021 20:52

OP, this bloke has discovered you're generous snd sounds (to me) like he's taking advantage of it.

He absolutely should not be asking you for money the next day, especially when he'd drunk 2x as much as you did, and you'd driven.

You absolutely should not be waving away £80 for artwork that he asked you to collect for him. You absolutely should be happy to repay him for groceries he has (again) asked you to get for him. You're treating those like gifts, when they're not. They're favours. Don't do him favours abc then pay for the privilege.

You sound like you'd find it icky to ask him for money, and that it's nicer (but also easier) to wave aside his offers to pay. If you stay with this man, you'll have to accept the icky feeling. He doesn't get it, does he? He wasn't icked by the idea of texting you to claw back 50% of the meal he'd pretended to pay for. Most of us would rather die than ask that if someone we care about and want to like us.

I bet he was more generous at the start but you offered to pay a lot and now he likes that.

I also think he manipulates you into driving, etc. Why rose would you know that he was tired and wanted a drink unless he'd dropped massive hints?

My first DH was like this. It was a head fuck. My second DH is the polar opposite and it's bliss. Plus he was way skinter than first DH when we met, but still 100% more generous.

This man is taking advantage of your kind, non-confrontational nature.

PrincessNutella · 28/08/2021 20:54

He is a cocklodger--He wants to look like a big man in public, then claw the money back in private.

AlbertBridge · 28/08/2021 20:55

Aargh, typos!

I meant: You absolutely should be happy for him to repay you for groceries he has (again) asked you to get for him.

Feelingmardy · 28/08/2021 20:55

Maybe he's paying the bill because OP makes no move to do so and someone has to.

Yes, this. If this is wrong OP, can you tell us? Because at the moment this does look like a reasonable explanation. Did you try and pay your half at the time? If not, could it be that he paid it as the situation had become awkward? Or did you get out your card too and he said 'no, let me get it'?

If the former, then were you assuming all along that he was going to treat you?

DrManhattan · 28/08/2021 20:57

Dump him

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2021 21:08

I’d end it. You sound financially mismatched and that won’t work long term

If the asking for your share after the date has happened a couple of times I’d expect him to have discussed it with you by now.

And I don’t like the way he asks you to pick up things for him, knowing that you will then say it’s your treat. I feel like he is taking advantage of you and resentment will grow around that.

BakedTattie · 28/08/2021 21:35

Bloody hell. Fuck that.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 28/08/2021 21:49

He's not keeping a good eye on his finances.
If you don't want to speak to him, about feeling disappointed that the evening turned out not to be a treat, make sure you offer to pay half in future.
If he refuses, then later asks you to pay, it shows he's rubbish at managing his money.
Are you okay with that?