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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
MurielSpriggs · 28/08/2021 21:57

My vagina would dry up being with a man like this.

Same principle as the water machine on the petrol station forecourt.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 22:09

@DrManhattan

Dump him
I agree, I couldn’t be doing wirh all this keeping a mental tally and being all weird about money as It’s “romantic” and constantly having to treat each other every time you see each other, I’d find it exhausting, pay half crack on

End it Op. you’re totally incompatible. Find someone who finds all this mental financial tallying romantic.

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 22:29

@Crowsaregreat

Yanbu

It's not about spending money per se, it's about retrospectively changing the rules. If you can't afford dinner out then you say so and make something at home, or go somewhere cheaper.

He sounds tightfisted and mean.

OP, you sound perfectly reasonable.

Not the least bit mean, but not a fool.

I would view his texts with real distaste.

I think you need to really have a look at how things have evened out, because there is nothing worse than a mean man.

If he is? Dump.
Flowers

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/08/2021 22:32

Tight arse. I'd get rid!

bevm72yellow · 28/08/2021 22:43

How about go on dates that are "free" or cheap eg walks in forest parks which have admission charge....see if he asks u for half of the cost of these dates then decide.....if we are in a time of equality then yes women should pay half of an expensive meal. I would be horrified if he wanted money from you on cheapie dates out...,....£10 admission and he would ask u to pay half would be mean.

QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 22:51

Do you see a future with this guy.. I'd say definitely not 🌸

BorderlineHappy · 28/08/2021 22:52

To me it's a separate matter.
You pay 50/50 for dinner
You don't sit there acting coy and looking like you've lost the use of your arms and mouth.

He didn't ask for half in front of the waiter as he didn't want to embarrass @treated50.
And he gave her enough time to send the money over and she didn't.

The favours that he asks for need to be paid for.
So that means he sends the money over before the op pays for anything.

And any eating in each others house the host pays for.

UnsuitableHat · 28/08/2021 22:56

My guess is he wants to be generous, can’t really afford to be but isn’t always honest with himself about it. If paying halves works for you I’d just go with that.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2021 22:57

@QueenBee52

Do you see a future with this guy.. I'd say definitely not 🌸

A future would include the reality of splitting costs. Not this romanticised Disney version of treating each other.
Goldbar · 28/08/2021 23:00

I think you sound financially incompatible. You're generous and kind, he's a bit of a penny-pincher. Time to part ways. His personality type means he will be happy to let you treat him but will extract every penny he thinks he is owed from you in return. Eventually you will resent it.

QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 23:06

A future would include the reality of splitting costs. Not this romanticised Disney version of treating each other.

which is not what is happening here...

OP more than pays her share of everything and happily goes 50/50..

He/She needs to speak up at the time of dining or before dining.. not the next day after he goes home and runs a check in his outgoings and then texting OP to ask for her to contribute after all...

He's happy to take OP's generous offers of Paying for £80 paintings though right.. but then asks for the costs of a meal to be reimbursed the day after he 'claims' to be happy to pay..

Nah... that's not a nice guy ...

buckeejit · 28/08/2021 23:19

Op, you sound normal & he sounds like a financially unsavvy penny pincher.

Apart from anything else, he's effectively saved £80 since you gifted him the art. He should have spent at least that imo on a nice dinner. Was he planning on getting a taxi to the restaurant if you weren't driving & sis he ask or did you ask him out for dinner? I think you said he suggested the faraway place?

How much was the meal? I'd suggest he needs to financially mature so he can budget better & send him the exact amount for what you consumed, minus 40p per mile gravel costs.

bevm72yellow · 28/08/2021 23:28

stop buying the beers, his shopping and let him put in some actual effort at this bit. but go 50/50 on expensive events/meals. if his behaviour is that he does not put in the effort and i must say it is effort/time buying shopping/ beers then drop him like a hot stone!! i see you drove 35miles round trip ...yip 40p per mile..,, it works out at if he cares about money and you don't....plus wear on tyres if he wants specifics.

Phoenix76 · 28/08/2021 23:35

Op, you sound lovely. You deserve better than whatever this is. I had one of these, never again. Please do yourself a favour and move on, it only gets worse.

Saoirse82 · 28/08/2021 23:38

When I started dating dh we always split everything. We were both early twenties and didn't have a lot. We always went halves on meals etc, I had more money than him at the time as he'd just started his own business and didn't have much spare cash so I paid for more treats for us, I didn't count up what I'd spent as I knew he wasn't tight. I think both of you are in the wrong here, you deciding not to offer to pay at dinner because of what you'd bought recently for him, and him for asking for the money back the next day. He shouldn't be taking gifts off you if he doesn't pay his way in other ways. Go back to always paying 50/50 on meals and then you can't go wrong. I do think its really weird asking for the money the next day though but after the first time this happened you should have known better not to just sit and wait for him to pay the bill. Stop buying him gifts, smaller treats are ok if your not keeping score and he buys sometimes too.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 23:39

@buckeejit I said it would be nice to do something on Friday, maybe drinks or dinner or the cinema. He then responded to go for dinner and suggested the specific place and restaurant. He asked if I'd drive, and I genuinely didn't mind doing so...

The meal and drinks were £80. He has bought dinners before and not asked to split or have the money reimbursed, which is why the couple of occasions are weird and a bit gut wrenching. I've easily spent my 'half' of the meal out in buying shopping for him (or buying shopping for us so I can cook dinner inc. expensive ingredients like steak) / beers / petrol in the last week.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 23:40

[quote treated50]@buckeejit I said it would be nice to do something on Friday, maybe drinks or dinner or the cinema. He then responded to go for dinner and suggested the specific place and restaurant. He asked if I'd drive, and I genuinely didn't mind doing so...

The meal and drinks were £80. He has bought dinners before and not asked to split or have the money reimbursed, which is why the couple of occasions are weird and a bit gut wrenching. I've easily spent my 'half' of the meal out in buying shopping for him (or buying shopping for us so I can cook dinner inc. expensive ingredients like steak) / beers / petrol in the last week.[/quote]

So you never get to have a drink because you're always asked to drive 🙄

Saoirse82 · 28/08/2021 23:43

@MadameMinimes

He’s probably asking you afterwards because he’s embarrassed at the time. I’m finding it odd that when the bill arrives there isn’t any conversation about it at all. The default should be splitting, both people get out their wallet/purse and then if one person wants to “treat” the other they wave it away and tell the other person that they will pay. Just not making any move to pay and then thanking the other person for “treating” you sounds odd to me. I can understand why he might feel awkward at the time. If he’s got his wallet out to pay his share and yours has stayed firmly in your bag I can see why he might feel pressured to pay the whole bill rather than explicitly asking you to pay. The comparison to the art work is actually interesting, because in that case he offered to pay and you waved the offer away. That’s treating someone. This is more like him asking you to pick up the artwork for him and then when you take it round to him, him saying “thank you for treating me” rather than offering to pay you back.
This
HollowTalk · 28/08/2021 23:49

This reminds me of my friend's boyfriend when we were in school.

She had to give him the money so that he could pay for cinema tickets. He didn't want her to pay actually for the tickets at the desk because he wanted everyone to think that he was treating her. She was meant to slip the money unobtrusively into his pocket in advance.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2021 23:56

I've only read your posts OP so I expect this will already have been raised.

"so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances."

I'd hazard that he gets to feel like The Big I Am picking up the bill in front of total strangers (the waiting staff, the bloke on the next table ...). But then later, alone, with no-one to show off to, he realises that he's spent money. Money he didn't want to spend, and wouldn't have spent if he hadn't been preening like a prat. So then he taps you.

So there's two emotional states involved for him.

  1. Being The Big I Am when paying
  2. Making you feel at fault when he taps you for half

Both are a bit of a turn-off for me.

And then, there's just the fact that this has happened more than once. So he didn't learn from his first mistake not to do it again.

He's not a keeper.

WrongWayApricot · 28/08/2021 23:57

I can't imagine how much cringe I'd feel getting my purse out expecting my date to say something about splitting the bill or paying back later, and instead they say thanks for treating me 😳 You should be getting your purse out too when the bill comes. When he says 'don't worry, it's my treat' that's when it's a treat. He was probably dreading texting you about it.

I don't think he's trying to be a big man about the bill, and I have known guys that do that and ask for the money later. I think he's just feeling super awkward that you have assumed he's treating you.

buckeejit · 29/08/2021 00:09

Do@WrongWayApricot I can imagine your scenario & agree that OP should maybe have said 'shall we split?' Or something, but bf should have reciprocated the art gift imo. It's just etiquette. I'd want my partner to feel generous towards me & be able to manage their finances enough to suggest free/cheap dates if I was struggling, not suggest a restaurant & ask for money when OP didn't drink or have expensive food and drove. However he may have considered that you asked him out since you suggested doing something on the first place & then thought 'she's treating me, I'll booze it up & go to where I fancy'

baroqueandblue · 29/08/2021 00:33

"We'll settle up later Cath, otherwise it just gets nasty" Grin

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 05:49

@WhereYouLeftIt

I've only read your posts OP so I expect this will already have been raised.

"so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances."

I'd hazard that he gets to feel like The Big I Am picking up the bill in front of total strangers (the waiting staff, the bloke on the next table ...). But then later, alone, with no-one to show off to, he realises that he's spent money. Money he didn't want to spend, and wouldn't have spent if he hadn't been preening like a prat. So then he taps you.

So there's two emotional states involved for him.

  1. Being The Big I Am when paying
  2. Making you feel at fault when he taps you for half

Both are a bit of a turn-off for me.

And then, there's just the fact that this has happened more than once. So he didn't learn from his first mistake not to do it again.

He's not a keeper.

See I think it’s the opposite, I think he’s too embarrassed to ask her for half and she’s not offered, so he texts her the next day as he couldn’t afford it.

Op needs to stop with this whole treating thing. Go halves and do it properly. She can still buy him gifts if she chooses on top of this and him her. But this whole I’m not going to offer tonight but take a mental note is not working and it’s going to cause resentment. He needs to speak up and tell her to get her wallet out and she needs to stop with this whole I’m want to be treated so I won’t even offer,

LondonSouth28 · 29/08/2021 05:54

The main problem is you've now seen how unequal the whole thing is, you're clearly paying for more by your account. And by him asking for that half of the dinner bill, he has highlighted that he takes more than he is willing to (or can) give. The totals are almost irrelevant, you've posted on this as you know it's an issue for you... this is the beginning of the ick. I suspect you'll have the full blown ick within a week or two...or the next time he asks you to 'grab some groceries' etc.