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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
cakewench · 28/08/2021 19:19

You need to speak with him openly about this. But to be honest, given how he seems to be, I suspect the conclusion will be: you need to stop thinking he's ever 'treating' you, and you need to stop 'treating' him. So if you buy him an £80 artwork, just collect the money from him. You might feel nice as if you've given him something, but it's not registering with him at all.

Go 50/50 every time you go out, or just accept this current situation. Or, as I would do, just end the relationship. This is early days and you're doing this, what will it be like later on?

ellyeth · 28/08/2021 19:20

He should have been upfront at the time and explained that he was a bit short and the expense would have to be shared. If, as he says, he suddenly realised he hadn't really been in a good position to pay the whole bill, I still don't think he should have asked retrospectively for some of the cost back.

The OP has explained that she often pays for shopping and other items without asking for the money back. It sounds like a fair way of doing things, and presumably the boyfriend doesn't insist on paying on those occasions. I don't think I would want to have a serious relationship with someone like this.

Wrenna · 28/08/2021 19:23

Get rid. If you marry he’ll count the peas you eat.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 28/08/2021 19:23

you need to have a discussion before you go out to eat,
bizarre that you dont

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 19:24

@poullou he will ask if I mind picking up things from the supermarket (say 10 things totalling £20). I will wave the cost. Sometimes he offers to pay and sometimes he doesn't. I will buy all of the ingredients and cook us a nice dinner (probably totalling £20 for the two meals + beer he has requested at £10). Then I will also buy extra treats that aren't necessities.

Sometimes I sit silently, sometimes I offer. It depends on how things have been that past week or so, whilst I don't tot up the pennies and amounts, I do try to keep things equal where I can. I'm not tight or a freeloader.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 28/08/2021 19:28

Honestly,OP,I don't get the impression you are a freeloader or tight. I think some of the previous posters are acting like a dog on a bone and not carefully reading your posts or fixating on one part of your comments. I think going home and looking at his finances is a ridiculous reason to give and as an adult you look at your finances prior to going out and inviting your gf to dinner

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 19:28

@treated50

No one is saying you're a freeloader.

But you mentally totting up the incidentals and thinking it evens out isn't working.

As a PP said, he's not shy about asking for your contribution, and you should do the same.

It would simplify everything and stop all the mental gymnastics.

Crockof · 28/08/2021 19:32

@Driftingblue

There are two possibilities here. One option is that he is tight which is not something that is very attractive. The other option is that he is living a lifestyle beyond his means. If it is the second I would run for the hills. I would have no problem with someone who was honest and said that we need to keep the costs of our dates low. I admire someone who knows their own financial situation and spends money responsibly. It’s the people who aren’t responsible with money, no matter how much of it they have, that don’t make good partners for life.
Sorry not rtft as this post nails it. Tight not attractive, spending above your means even less attractive.
Wineandroses3 · 28/08/2021 19:32

Oh my God that’s embarrassing,if he can’t afford to go out for meals then fair enough, but to go out, pay and then days later when he’s skint ask you for half the money - cringe! That would totally put me off.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 19:35

@Crockof

If you'd RTFT you'd realise that no, that post does not nail it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 19:35

Well, if he's requesting that you buy all the ingredients to cook a meal at his place, plus a special request for beer, that puts a slightly different spin on things...
Why are you cooking at his place? Do you ever eat at yours? Who cooks/pays?

Livelovebehappy · 28/08/2021 19:35

[quote treated50]@Suprima

To be fair to him, he never said explicitly that he was 'treating' me.

The bill came and he just paid it. Then I said thank you, and we went on our way. He never mentioned anything for the rest of the evening... until this afternoon when he text me asking if I'd mind paying half. I'm confused as to why he didn't suggest half at the time, or in the same evening. It takes the shine away from it to be honest when you get a text the next day asking for money.[/quote]
That’s what I was thinking when I read your post. If he didnt specifically say he was treating you, and you just sat there whilst he got his wallet out, then he clearly paid due to lack of action by yourself, and didn’t want to raise at the time as it would appear awkward. To avoid this, just agree to pay for your own meals at every date, then there won’t be all this ‘will he, won’t he’ scenario.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/08/2021 19:37

@Potpourri23

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that's he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.
This was my first thought. Yuck, I can't stand meaness
Crockof · 28/08/2021 19:38

[quote AhNowTed]@Crockof

If you'd RTFT you'd realise that no, that post does not nail it.[/quote]
I've read op posts and think it does.

poullou · 28/08/2021 19:39

Sometimes I sit silently, sometimes I offer

If you don't want to have an unromantic money chat with him, I think you need to start making remarks like "don't worry about your share for these, you can get dinner next week" when you get in from the supermarket so that your spending is highlighted to him and he's forewarned about paying next time.

NotJuryDutyAgain · 28/08/2021 19:44

I'd lose interest in someone who offered to pay for my meal and then asked for the money back. Nope. I've no interest, either, in a man who can't keep on top of his finances to the point of knowing whether or not he can afford to offer to pay for my meal. There are too many better men out there.

HaveringWavering · 28/08/2021 19:44

So, did his text say anything about what a lovely time you'd had, how much he was looking forward to seeing you again, continue any other fun chat, or was it just "Please can you send me some money?" .

Also, did you really enjoy driving, sitting there sober while he got pissed, then driving home? It all sounds a bit shit for a new relationship tbh.

Feelingmardy · 28/08/2021 19:49

OP I've read all your posts and am confused. Why do you say he's treating you when he has not offered that? I actually think YABU about this. Unless he says 'I'm treating you', you should assume it's 50/50. If you want to then ask for money back for thigs you pay for, go ahead. I have a DH. If, when we were dating, he assumed that I was picking up the bill as I was 'treating him', I would have run for the hills. Of course I did treat him sometimes but that was when my finances allowed and I was making a conscious choice to do so. Financial discussions are not romantic but they are necessary in long-term relationships.

LavendarMoon · 28/08/2021 19:51

I feel like maybe the issue is that he has less disposable income than you and needs to count his pennies more than you do. I think the comments that he has wanted to look like the generous man in public are unfair. If he at no point said that he was treating you to a meal out, and you never offered to pay your half of the bill when it came to table, he might have been inwardly thinking ‘ah no, I can’t afford this but I’m too embarrassed to ask’ but built up the courage to ‘casually’ ask by text the next day. I think the pilot thing for you to do would always be to offer your half of payment when out for dinner, and if he then says no, it’s my treat, accept that. Have you ever had any discussion about finances? Do you know what his financial situation is? It sounds as though you have been generous on the whole, and maybe you’re just not financially compatible. Communication is key... you need to have some kind of discussion with him if it is apparent you’re not on the same wavelength. Letting this go unchecked will lead to resentment.

Smileansrheworldsmileswithyou · 28/08/2021 19:52

This happened to me years ago, he is showing off, making himself look good, and as for the shopping you buy him well then he needs to pay for that. Either ditch him or never let him pay for all the bill, sounds like a non starter tbh.

TomFuckery · 28/08/2021 19:52

Go halves on everything from now on
No 'misunderstandings' that way
He might be playing at Billy Big Bollocks in public then whinging the next day about the cost

Or just dump him

Crockof · 28/08/2021 19:55

@Feelingmardy

OP I've read all your posts and am confused. Why do you say he's treating you when he has not offered that? I actually think YABU about this. Unless he says 'I'm treating you', you should assume it's 50/50. If you want to then ask for money back for thigs you pay for, go ahead. I have a DH. If, when we were dating, he assumed that I was picking up the bill as I was 'treating him', I would have run for the hills. Of course I did treat him sometimes but that was when my finances allowed and I was making a conscious choice to do so. Financial discussions are not romantic but they are necessary in long-term relationships.
Because I'd expect him to say at the table rather than afterwards, ie 'shall I put this on my card and you give me the cash/bacs' not be Billy big bollocks and pay and then ask the next day. Probably OP knowing this should say at the table 'how much do I owe'
Feelingmardy · 28/08/2021 20:02

Because I'd expect him to say at the table rather than afterwards, ie 'shall I put this on my card and you give me the cash/bacs' not be Billy big bollocks and pay and then ask the next day. Probably OP knowing this should say at the table 'how much do I owe'

It's often more convenient for one person to get the bill and then split the cost later. It's not billy big bollocks, it's just pragmatic. If the OP just assumed she was paying for her own, rather than assuming she was being treated, then there would be no problem.

bluelemming · 28/08/2021 20:03

Just go halves on everything. It's not difficult. Then you don't need to give any more headspace to whether he's being mean or not. As a PP said: the main problem you have is communication. The money is a red herring.

Bollindger · 28/08/2021 20:04

Wow.
Nice meal,
Drive so he can drink.
You supply Breakfast and his expensive beer.
He gets laid,
Then the next evening you get a bill...