Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

[treated50]

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

Argh, stop saying treats it makes you sound like you're five or a dog. A grown woman expecting treats is a bit cringy imo.

It is a little odd to be strictly 50/50 (“that’s £3.25 you owe me for your coffee and half a muffin”) with someone you see regularly. Dating or not. I have friends I meet for coffee; whoever is there first buys them. It comes out in the wash. The “asking for half” later seems odd to me, especially if the OP isn’t averse to picking up the bill at other times.

You sound like a nice person to go out with, @treated50. He, on the other hand, doesn't.

I don’t think it’s a man/woman thing though, because you can have exactly the same sort of dynamic with friends. Like there are friends you know will always go halves and friends where you have to wrestle the bill off each other & fight to pay for it.

I suppose you know what his dynamic is now. It’s a shame though that he didn’t offer to pay half when you were paying. Wonder why that is.

[quote treated50]@ShingleBeach yes I have done in the past. Or I will get the drinks in the next place.

I also drove us last night so he could drink (a 35 mile round trip to be pedantic about things), I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money or pointing out I'd funded that part of the night.[/quote]
So he explicitly asked you to drive so he could have a drink and you generously agreed but you still have to pay for your own meal afterwards and no mention of him contributing towards your petrol costs??

N’ah, fuck that shit and dump.

He’s sussed that you’re soft (kind hearted) and he’s a using bastard cheeky fucker.

@ButterflyAway

And as for the PP who’s vagina would dry up at someone not being able to afford spending money on them, says it all about the type of person you are really.

No it doesn't. I lived with a lazy sponger for 20 years and it totally killed our relationship. I will only date men my equal now, I don't need to be paying for lazy men. I'll only put up with it if they are open and honest right from the beginning. I don't enjoy being messed around. I have no respect for people who are not sorted and not honest.

Argh, stop saying treats it makes you sound like you're five or a dog. A grown woman expecting treats is a bit cringy imo

Don't you ever go out with a friend and say 'I'll get this, my treat'?

Clearly, in this instance, the man wasn't intending to treat the OP as she found out the next day!

You have been told by him how he feels.
He has no quairms about asking you for money, so stop being shy about doing the same.
Maybe keep cash in your purse and if you go anywhere more expensive offer him the cash for your meal and your drinks, that way you can have what you want, instead of cutting back, when he isn't.
If your ok with buying milk and bread that you will use at his, that is fine, but stop treating him, it will not end well if he doesn't treat you back, take any money he offers, and just say yes, if you don't mind.
Because if this relationship moves forward your already set up as you both pay half, and just expect him not to treat you ever.

This is a man who wouldn't even dream of getting a joint account with you and you having access to family money. Tread with caution I say. Don't become a stay at home mum either in the future.

Just talk to him!

I wouldn't be happy with someone texting me the day following a lovely evening asking for half..

Im sorry but the time to ask is before eating or at the time of paying..

So no this guy wouldn't be for me.. he sounds utterly exhausting 🌸

You have to have a conversation with him about this. No it's not "romantic" to be haggling over money. But you both need to feel comfortable with your spending. Maybe he is on a tight budget, rather than just mean with money or a free loader. In which case, you generously paying for an £80 piece of art work will put him at a disadvantage and may have made him feel very uncomfortable if he can't reciprocate. It can also feel patronising when someone always does this or like your 'stinginrss' is being judged. So being generous isn't always the great quality generous people might imagine.

Long term it really WILL drain the romance out of the relationship. You need to communicate and agree how you will proceed. Same with any other issue. You simply don't have the same attitudes towards money but you CAN work out a compromise with each other..

@Darlingbudsofmay7

This is a man who wouldn't even dream of getting a joint account with you and you having access to family money. Tread with caution I say. Don't become a stay at home mum either in the future.

too true 🌸

You know when you know and you already know OP.

Back into the pond this one goes. He thinks/knows you’re soft

Clearly the way you think you're paying 50/50 isn't working for him. He might prefer to know week on week what's coming in and out and therefore for you to go 50/50 on the meal, not wait to see what beers or snacks come his way on a subsequent evening or week. The fact you didn't say to him at the time, 'how much is the bill?' 'Or how much do I owe?' And said absolutely nothing was clearly embarrassing and awkward for him and he just paid. although I'm usually the first to call out tight folk, you've only been together a couple of months and you clearly just sat there all coy and quiet while he paid without clarifying at all what your contribution would be. If someone had to text me after the event to ask for a contribution I'd be absolutely mortified to be honest!

[quote treated50]@PlanDeRaccordement I don't keep scores. I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.' I'm the least counting pennies person imaginable, which is why I find his behaviour odd. I wouldn't ask for money back the next day after giving the impression I was treating someone. I'd make a note either to not do it again, wait for my financial situation to improve before doing it again, suggesting we do 50/50, suggesting some inexpensive dates we could do next time etc.[/quote]
If you jumped in to thank him he might have felt a bit awkward to ask but then realised he really needed to. I think jumping to the conclusion that it was his treat if he hadn't said that is a bit odd.

I think always going Dutch is better and if one of you wants to treat the other then that is special.

@Darlingbudsofmay7

This is a man who wouldn't even dream of getting a joint account with you and you having access to family money. Tread with caution I say. Don't become a stay at home mum either in the future.

What utter nonsense.

You know nothing about this guy.

The OP has some convoluted "treat" system going on in her head, and for all we know equates a few beers with dinner out.

A sensible conversation would resolve all of this very easily.

The thing is, situations like this make you start to keep track. Had he rushed to reimburse op for half of every meal she paid for, shopping she collected at his request or the artwork she picked up, also at his request, I would agree that he is a 50/50 kind of guy. The fact he didn’t, but has now twice requested reimbursement when he paid the bill makes me think he’s somewhat tight-fisted. Yanbu op.

If you jumped in to thank him he might have felt a bit awkward to ask but then realised he really needed to. I think jumping to the conclusion that it was his treat if he hadn't said that is a bit odd.

this conversation should have happed before eating.. Him not asking OP to contribute is as equally awkward as OP not offering to contribute ..

Okay, he might have assumed we'd go half and didn't realise he was 'treating me'. So why not say that when the bill arrived? Or after he'd paid? Or in the hours of the evening we spent together after the dinner

Perhaps he expects you to offer? He offers to reimburse if you get stuff for him, but you don't seem to do the same - you just think that you will "even it out" another time, but have you actually discussed that?

I’d stop paying for stuff for him ,pay your own way when you go out .

@treated50

As an example, he wanted a bespoke piece of artwork he'd seen in a local shop. He asked me to get it for him and said he'd pay me back. It was £80, and I paid for that for him as a gift and declined the money. I'm not tight-fisted, sitting on my hands, expecting him to always pay. I'm actually a very generous person naturally when it comes to money or paying or treating.

I'd be asking for the £80 too 🤣

I was with someone like this. He made a big thing of letting the waitress know he paid for everything; then it escalated to him paying cheap flights for holidays and I would be left paying for an extortionate hotel bill ! Honestly get rid !

Is it only last two times this has happened, but took it in turns all other times

If it was I'd ask him if he has some money worries (rather than jump to the conclusion he's tight), if he is suffering financially maybe more nights in, less nights out for a while

You need to talk to him about how you want to treat finances but I don't think he's the future financial abuser that he is being accused of here.

If you really sit silently while he looks after the bill, you are being tight.

Is it possible that he doesn't want the supermarket treats that you buy him? As in he wouldn't factor those treats into his weekly budget so you buying them doesn't actually save him money but paying for your dinner does cost him money?

He offered you the money for the artwork. You should have taken it.