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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 11:58

Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"

He might be thinking, ‘I wish she wasn’t always coming round my house doing housework and bringing stuff I didn’t ask for’.

We don’t know. Ask him.

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 12:01

@Howshouldibehave he actually asked me to help him with the dishwasher the other day. He asks for the shopping and the beers, sometimes I buy it as part of the shopping for dinner.

OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 29/08/2021 12:02

@treated50 just talk to him.
You're going to have to sooner or later.

Seaglass87 · 29/08/2021 12:03

I think it's worth having a conversation about how to manage this going forward. It sounds like things are fair, but it equally sounds like it's quite hard to quantify how fair it is as it is bits here and there.
I don't think he should be asking for money back if he didn't at the time. However I'm wondering if you could both have an agreement to assume that when you go out for meals you'll pay half each, unless the other person makes a point of saying "my treat".
It may be he is tight and unfair, but it may also be a break down of communication. I would talk directly to him about it if you feel able to.

Feelingmardy · 29/08/2021 12:07

OP it's clear from this thread that your expectations of being treated are shared by some posters and not others. Ultimately relationships are about creating a context which works for both people. You have a clear choice here - either talk to him about this or end the relationship. There is no clear moral imperative for him to pay for your dinner. Some partners might choose to. Others might not. You will never know whether he thinks that he's actually paid for as much as you or whether he is just trying to fleece you as much as he can unless you talk to him. If you can't stomach doing that because it feels unromantic then walk away right now and try and find a man who sees things the same way as you in this regard.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/08/2021 12:11

@Balonzette

Honestly you sound like you're incompatible. I actually find it really awkward when people constantly wave the cost when I expect to pay. I get that it's meant to be a nice gesture but it often makes the other person feel a) really cheeky and awkward because they prefer to repay or b) like they can't ask you to grab something from the shop when they really need something, because they know you'll tell them not to pay and then they'll come across as a CF.

This is clearly a big deal to you so I think you need to decide whether to call it quits, tell him that you're unhappy about his asking you to pay your half, or stop telling him not to pay when he's clearly not one of 'those' people. One of you has got to change your ways or this isn't going to work. Or yeah, just call it a day.

From his point of view, your constantly waving off costs might be just too much?! I'd not like it. The artwork thing would have made me feel REALLY uncomfortable. I know you had lovely intentions but I'd have felt like such a CF if I were him.

That would make me uncomfortable too. If I'd asked someone to pick something up on their way over I'd see the picking up as a favour already and would want to pay.
Goldbar · 29/08/2021 12:20

People rarely behave better as relationships progress. Instead, they get worse. I would ditch him because you've already set a precedent of accepting being treated like a doormat so things are unlikely to improve. The pattern of behaviour from both of you suggests you're keener on him than he is on you and he's taking advantage (I'm not saying that's true but it's what your respective behaviour suggests).

AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 12:23

He's had a long day at work, what can I do? I'll buy dinner and cook it at his, get him some beers and do some chores for him in the morning so he has a nice home to come back to when he's finished his work.

Someone you've been seeing for a few months? No. This level of domestic duty is wife-level. Even mum-level.

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 12:23

[quote treated50]@LunaAndHerMoonDragons Yes, you are right, I probably was being presumptuous thinking he'd treat me after all of the things I have done and paid for in the past week or so. But I guess it boils down to this:

Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"[/quote]
Why would he bother?

You have made so little of yourself by cleaning, cooking, spending far too much that he now thinks, I can even ask her for her half of what I've spent.

I have never heard of anything so crass.

But he's mean and you are chasing him so he thinks "wtf, might as well chance my arm and get some money off her to boot".

There is NO way he is that into you to behave so distastefully.

But hey, your life.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/08/2021 12:36

[quote treated50]@LunaAndHerMoonDragons Yes, you are right, I probably was being presumptuous thinking he'd treat me after all of the things I have done and paid for in the past week or so. But I guess it boils down to this:

Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"[/quote]
I get why you're feeling this OP. Though mine are more like, 'I do so much every morning and evening why aren't I worth him pitching in and helping', which is I think a much less healthy way to think about it.

Is he generous in other ways? Is your life better, happier because he's in it? We didn't have anything like this early on, STBXH was the king of treats, very generous with money. It took years for the damaging resentment inducing parts of our relationship to appear. There's a lot of bad precedent, imbalance and unfairness here. It sounds like you put a lot more effort and money into this relationship then he does. If you feel there's value to you in continuing the relationship a very frank conversation and a change in the dynamic is needed, if you feel this is a deal breaker for you it's perfectly reasonable to end a relationship that isn't right for you for any reason.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 12:49

@treated50

My mindset is: He's had a long day at work, what can I do? I'll buy dinner and cook it at his, get him some beers and do some chores for him in the morning so he has a nice home to come back to when he's finished his work.

His mindset: That £80 bill was hefty, let me message her and see how much money I can recoup.

What? No..what are you doing. Why are you cleaning some blokes home you’ve only been with a few months. That’s all kind of wrong and he won’t respect you for playing the surrendered housewife, it’s creepy.

That’s actually a drip feed you’re doing that. And an Importanr one. It now makes sense why you think he should buy dinner and do something for you.

But you’re handling this relationship in a pretty desperate fashion. You can’t be going in there cleaning his house and making his dinner, buying him beers like some sort of domestic servant.

AhNowTed · 29/08/2021 12:55

A few months and you're cleaning his house?

You are setting up some ridiculous 1950s dynamic here.

Actually, what @Bluntness100 said covers it.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 12:56

Op relationships need to be equal. Don’t go into them acting like a skivvy . No one is going to respect you for it. No one. This isn’t the 1950s.

This man is capable of cleaning is own home. He’s capable of buying and having beer in. He’s using you. And likely not having much respect any more. You can be damned sure if you had your own place he’d not be cleaning it for you.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 12:56

@AhNowTed..cross posted the same thing!

AnneKipankitoo · 29/08/2021 12:59

Forget the talk .

Get rid .

CallMeMabel · 29/08/2021 13:01

You're not in the wrong and he sounds like a using bastard. Challenge him on it though, instead of defending yourself against mean strangers on the Internet who seem determined to pick fault with you no matter what you say here.
His response will tell you what you need to know.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 13:12

Why don't you let him have his own thoughts and respond to those?

You're trying to impose a fantasy life upon him.

zogadog · 29/08/2021 13:17

I think the difference is you say you are treating him but really you expect it to be reciprocated so it's not a treat. You say every time you get shopping or the art work etc he offers to pay you back. It's not his fault your not accepting it? From his point of view maybe you have masses of disposable income and enjoy splashing the cash?

That doesn't mean that when you go out for dinner he should have to pay the whole bill whist you sit on your hands and then thank him for treating you! Maybe he agreed to the date that you suggested expect to only pay his share which is fair enough.

Again with the cleaning why are you doing it? You resent the cooking cleaning and spending money so don't do it? Be responsible for your own actions he's not a mind reader!

Mary46 · 29/08/2021 13:17

I just say it to him as other issues will start.. wouldnt be running after him cleaning or buying beers!!

QueenBee52 · 29/08/2021 13:25

Jeeepers are you really cleaning his bloody house !? 😱

Dozer · 29/08/2021 13:26

You’re doing his chores?!

Why?

Dozer · 29/08/2021 13:27

Also wouldn’t be buying food etc to make at his: if he hosts, he should do so!

VeganCheesePlease · 29/08/2021 13:28

We are all different with money and with how we handle it. Going forward I would just insist on paying for your half

VeganCheesePlease · 29/08/2021 13:29

Ooohhh just saw the cleaning bit.

Marni83 · 29/08/2021 15:36

[quote treated50]@Howshouldibehave he actually asked me to help him with the dishwasher the other day. He asks for the shopping and the beers, sometimes I buy it as part of the shopping for dinner.[/quote]
Load the dishwasher?

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