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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 10:57

Have you any self respect?

This

You’re sounding more and more like a martyr now. Stop doing these things! It sounds like you are doing them so you can add them to your tally.

I think you are probably not very well suited.

SolitaryTree · 29/08/2021 10:57

I’d probably have a chat with him and maybe decide on going halves when out to eat and then anything either of you wants to get for each other aside from that is down to you both to do.
I’ve always loved to treat people but you do have to be careful that people don’t end up taking that for granted and taking advantage of you, I’ve fallen into that trap! Because then you end up feeling resentful.
It’s a bit rubbish but finances do need to be discussed in a relationship.

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:59

I think it's worth talking about but to be honest it's a massive turn off. I don't want to be asking for 50% of everything in the future, it's just not my style and I've never been in a relationship where that is the dynamic. To be honest I've never dated a man before who has texted me the next day asking for money. But now he has set a precedent, I understand that I can't go on just spending money here and there - that will only cause resentment the next time he asks (which he inevitably will).

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 11:01

But why on earth are you going over to his house (armed with his shopping on your tab) and acting like his charlady?
Just why?

Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 11:02

To be honest I've never dated a man before who has texted me the next day asking for money

I don’t get why you didn’t just get your purse out at the time or ask how much it was then?

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 11:03

@Howshouldibehave That's the thing though. I'm doing them to be kind because I care about him and I was having a lovely time. I want to be generous and cook and help ease the day of someone I care about by doing chores. When it's not reciprocated and you're asked for money the day following an evening that you thought was wonderful, it does make you feel shit when you reflect and realise you'd never do that and start to think about all the lovely things you have done.

OP posts:
Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 11:05

@treated50
I don’t think going round to his and doing things is a bad thing. Shows you care. I would do that!
But it’s worrying he only sees the financial things as important

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 11:06

@treated50

I think it's worth talking about but to be honest it's a massive turn off. I don't want to be asking for 50% of everything in the future, it's just not my style and I've never been in a relationship where that is the dynamic. To be honest I've never dated a man before who has texted me the next day asking for money. But now he has set a precedent, I understand that I can't go on just spending money here and there - that will only cause resentment the next time he asks (which he inevitably will).
No I wouldn't like it either. You should just be able to do nice things for him and pay for stuff safe in the knowledge that he respects and cares for you enough that he'll reciprocate at some point.
Cheeeesecake · 29/08/2021 11:07

[quote treated50]@GreyhoundG1rl Yes. The reason I didn't mention him hosting more before, is to be honest, I was grateful that I was able to spend time at his place and saw that as him 'doing something for me.' When the reality is, he's inviting me over, presumably because he wants to see me... not having to pay for petrol, getting his dinner paid for, prepared, cooked, plus whatever treats / drinks I buy on top.[/quote]
Oo this is not good, OP Sad

Even without the money, there’s a definite imbalance. It’s still a YANBU from me.

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 11:07

@Howshouldibehave

To be honest I've never dated a man before who has texted me the next day asking for money

I don’t get why you didn’t just get your purse out at the time or ask how much it was then?

Why should she though when she's been paying on the other occasions?
trevorandsimon · 29/08/2021 11:11

Why isn't he cooking for you? Getting the shipping in when you come over?

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 11:19

@trevorandsimon

Why isn't he cooking for you? Getting the shipping in when you come over?
Why would he when the OP is making so little of herself.

He's mean.

The OP is running around aftet him, driving him, cooking, being his skivvy, and then to ice the cake paying him half of his so called treat??

🙄🤷‍♀️

Ffs, you couldn't make it up.
Only on MN🙄.

OP, find some self respect or resign yourself to all the misery in the world through making the decision to chasing a mean man who has an absolute tit made out of you.
Flowers

AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 11:20

Pretty complicated situation.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Home stress is THE WORST and it definitely means you become extra grateful towards anyone who helps you escape, even for a minute.

Why don't you ask for advice on that? Maybe once that's sorted everything else will fall into place. You'll certainly feel better.

YNK · 29/08/2021 11:21

A change in any pattern is disconcerting.
This is a change in the balance of the relationship and you were not consulted OP, so I don't blame you for feeling on the back foot.
I'm wondering what other changes brought this about.

AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 11:22

Everyone who's saying the OP is a doormat for cooking, cleaning, etc -- be kind! No, it's not ideal but we've all done worse things. I once made a hand-puppet of a man I was dating for Valentine's Day. And it turned out he was cheating on me. 😂 His best friend had to tell me.

So go easy. I'm sure OP won't be running her Minky over this tight git's work surfaces again in a hurry.

Treezan82 · 29/08/2021 11:25

I would walk away over this I think, it's just embarrassing. But out of interest - shopping and staying home aside, beers and gifts aside, just purely talking about dates where you go out for dinner - how many times has he foot the bill vs how many times have you split it vs how many times have you paid the bill. Roughly.

RacistAngst · 29/08/2021 11:27

[quote treated50]@Howshouldibehave That's the thing though. I'm doing them to be kind because I care about him and I was having a lovely time. I want to be generous and cook and help ease the day of someone I care about by doing chores. When it's not reciprocated and you're asked for money the day following an evening that you thought was wonderful, it does make you feel shit when you reflect and realise you'd never do that and start to think about all the lovely things you have done.[/quote]
And that’s because you then Feel taken for granted. Which you are.

RacistAngst · 29/08/2021 11:32

@treated50, I’d do a test.

Next time you are going to his, don’t offer the bring anything at all. On the contrary, make it clear you are looking forward to him cooking for you. See what he says and what he does.

I suspect this will tell you a lot about who he is and if he is actually taking the piss. (I suspect he is btw)

TheStoic · 29/08/2021 11:41

You don’t need to have a conversation.

Next time you ‘treat’ him, just text him the next day to ask for half. See how that goes down.

Marni83 · 29/08/2021 11:46

* I think it's worth talking about but to be honest it's a massive turn off. *

Op you have started a thread and then posted multiple times all essentially saying this.

You could have used that time to finish the relationship.

Clearly you shouldn’t be thinking the above so early on in a relationship. Or indeed at any time.

It’s a non starter

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/08/2021 11:50

@WrongWayApricot

I can't imagine how much cringe I'd feel getting my purse out expecting my date to say something about splitting the bill or paying back later, and instead they say thanks for treating me 😳 You should be getting your purse out too when the bill comes. When he says 'don't worry, it's my treat' that's when it's a treat. He was probably dreading texting you about it.

I don't think he's trying to be a big man about the bill, and I have known guys that do that and ask for the money later. I think he's just feeling super awkward that you have assumed he's treating you.

Thats how it sounds to me too. If he'd wanted to treat OP he'd be saying, 'I'll get this" or "my treat" or similar, instead it's the OP going thanks for the treat when he didn't offer to treat and she didn't offer to pay her half. Not saying OPs stingy, it sounds like she pays her way, but on these occasions she's decided he's treating her when he never said that.
Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 11:55

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons Yes, you are right, I probably was being presumptuous thinking he'd treat me after all of the things I have done and paid for in the past week or so. But I guess it boils down to this:

Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"

OP posts:
Marni83 · 29/08/2021 11:57

No op

* But I guess it boils down to this:*

You are not compatible.

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 11:58

@helentomelon

But why is he forced to ask for the money? Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"

Why is he so happy to receive but not to give?

Do we know that he IS happy with receiving? I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but like I mentioned before, people being overly generous makes me really awkward. I appreciate the lovely gesture and would never show it, but inside I'm just cringing and feeling like the biggest CF in the world. One of my good friends is thoughtful and generous and always gives the loveliest presents for no reason and asks me not to repay things. I think she's lovely BUT at the same time I feel this huge sense of anxiety about having to buy her things that are as good as what she's got me, and equal in value and thoughtfulness, or to pay for as many things as she's paid for, and I do, but it puts this pressure on that I'd prefer wasn't there. I'd forsake the presents and the generous gestures any day, for this pressure of reciprocating to be lifted. I'd rather we just paid for our own things and only bought presents on birthdays.

Also, if it's a new relationship, this level of generosity could seem a bit too familiar to him and be making him feel a bit uncomfortable. I mean, Op's behavior is like that of someone in a long-term relationship, and it might be freaking him out a bit? Or he might just not be ready for it yet.

So for whatever reason, maybe he's not comfortable with the whole dynamic and is trying to reset it to give their relationship a chance (which is a good thing because it means he clearly wants to give it a try, even if there is this incompatibility regarding finances). If he's not comfortable being lavished with gifts and never repaying things, he might be trying to make a point of doing it so that op gets the hint and starts behaving in the same way? (i mean, he may just be a grabby cf. but there's every chance that op's generosity is just too much for him and making him feel uncomfortable and so he's trying to change the dynamic.)

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 11:58

My mindset is: He's had a long day at work, what can I do? I'll buy dinner and cook it at his, get him some beers and do some chores for him in the morning so he has a nice home to come back to when he's finished his work.

His mindset: That £80 bill was hefty, let me message her and see how much money I can recoup.

OP posts:
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