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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 10:08

95% of the time he hosts me
And then you say this... Do you mean he allows you to use his kitchen to cook meals that you've bought the ingredients for?

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:11

@GreyhoundG1rl Yes. The reason I didn't mention him hosting more before, is to be honest, I was grateful that I was able to spend time at his place and saw that as him 'doing something for me.' When the reality is, he's inviting me over, presumably because he wants to see me... not having to pay for petrol, getting his dinner paid for, prepared, cooked, plus whatever treats / drinks I buy on top.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 29/08/2021 10:14

But why is he forced to ask for the money?

I don’t get this either. They’re dating. Presumably they are already planning to see each other again. He could’ve just said “oh - that’s fine - you get the next one”. No need for such awkwardness, surely?

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 29/08/2021 10:16

So you've been seeing each other for a few months, and he's paid for your share of dinner only these two times, and has then text you to ask you for half the next day?

While you've bought and cooked dinner for you both at his at least 20 times? Has he ever cooked you dinner? Does he not drive?

Suprima · 29/08/2021 10:17

[quote treated50]@EmeraldShamrock 95% of the time he hosts me, due to my living circumstances. He's only bought shopping / wine twice for my place vs. probably in excess of 20 times I have done so for his. I'm grateful for being able to stay at his, it is costing me a lot in petrol, but I am over compensating by buying extras for his place.... when really, he's at a massive advantage financially by hosting me in his own home and not having to travel or spend any money on shopping, food, drinks etc.[/quote]
He’s not trying to impress you, and I think you know what.

You clearly have standards for how you deserve to be treated. Own them. Ignore the posters who are calling you a ‘princess’ and telling you to ‘live in the real world’ and stop demanding to be ‘treated’- their own standards are on the floor and they want to drag you down with them. That means not calling out men for unkind and miserly behaviour. Their pride in never accepting a bowl of pasta from a man is absolutely hilarious when you consider the statistical likelihood of them running around picking up their Nigel’s dirty socks because he cannot see mess, organising the family Christmas and ‘asking him to help’ with the washing. Where is the 50/50 there?

You are paying your way AND MORE. Anyone with a Year 2 understanding of maths should be able to see that. But people are incensed with the fact that you want to be treated nicely (how dare you?!? ) which is why you are getting angry comments to pay your way….when you very much are.

He’s happy to take, take, take- but he gives nothing.

This isn’t it, my love.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 10:18

Whether he wanted to pay for the shopping, artwork etc. is irrelevant in my mind. He didn't pay for them, I did.

You are NOT generous. You are transactional.

Stop offering and 'giving' things you don't mean as gifts. It's confusing.

You may well be right about his thoughtless meanness but you sound hard work.

girlmom21 · 29/08/2021 10:18

@treated50

Turn that around and how would you interpret it? I suspect 'BF invited me to do something with him on Friday night and suggested dinner. I accepted, suggested a place I thought we'd both like and checked he'd be ok to drive (he's always fine with this). I was really looking forward to our date and had a nice evening but when the bill came, he made no move to pay! It was so awkward. The waiter was hovering, I just had to pay for the whole thing. Going out for dinner was his idea! I thought he was treating me. It was expensive too and I couldn't really afford to pay for everything. What a sponger!

To be honest I think it's more awkward to be making regular requests for things from the shop, getting artwork bought for you, getting dinner cooked for you multiple times a week (with ingredients they've bought and left any extras at your house), and then asking them for half a bill at the end of the week...

Whether he wanted to pay for the shopping, artwork etc. is irrelevant in my mind. He didn't pay for them, I did. He accepted me paying, didn't argue or insist once I had waived the cost. But when it comes down to his turn to waive the cost, he didn't, which speaks volumes in my mind.

You sound really money-orientated.

I'm assuming by your comments about it being better for him to host you because of your living arrangements that he lives alone and you don't? so you will naturally have more disposable income than him.

You want to throw money at everything and get upset when he can't do the same.

You've set your expectations really high and you've said very little about him as a person and a lot about his approach to money etc. Do you actually like him or do you just like meals in nice restaurants?

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:18

@helentomelon

But why is he forced to ask for the money? Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"

Exactly. Why isn't he thinking that? I just find asking for money the following day really crass and strange.

@WimpoleHat

Yes.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 10:19

Op, do you ever relax in a relationship? All this he’s treating me, he’s doing something for me,I keep a mental tally.it sounds exhausting.

Clearly you go to his so compensate by taking stuff with you and then expect him to buy you dinner so its reciprocated and you’re pissed off he wants you to pay half.

I’m not sure this relationship has legs. It’s just all so awkward.

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 10:24

I don't think she'd be keeping the tally if it felt fair. If you get a bad feeling in a relationship it's important to stop and do a bit of analysis - that's how we spot red flags and decide if we're happy or not

EmeraldShamrock · 29/08/2021 10:24

Exactly. Why isn't he thinking that? I just find asking for money the following day really crass and strange.
This is getting worse with each comment. You can't see it OP.
Break up with him he has no idea of what he is getting in for.

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:24

But that's the thing - I don't keep mental tallies!

I genuinely couldn't have given a flying fig about how much I was driving, buying, cooking, 'treating'.

It was only upon receiving that text for half the dinner the subsequent day, finding it crass and strange, then actually starting to give it some proper thought that I began 'tallying.' I couldn't care less about money.

OP posts:

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:25

@helentomelon Exactly that. How else are you meant to assess things?

OP posts:

Feelingmardy · 29/08/2021 10:29

The artwork example should not be in this list. You gave it as a gift. If you expected him to effectively spend the same on treats for you, it wasn't really a gift.

You say he's paid for meals for the both of you before. How many? And how many have you paid for?

I do wonder whether he might also be keeping a mental tally and he might see himself as spending more than you think he is.

AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 10:30

How bad is your accommodation that driving for miles to buy/cook someone dinner is the better option?! 😬

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 10:31

I suspect that, from his point of view, you're tallying wrong. You need to write off all genuine gifts (like the artwork) first. Then tally only those things that are normally reciprocal (dates).

Wait and see what he does for your birthday or Christmas perhaps?

Or just recognise that the real issue here is communication and that your communication styles are incompatible. Perhaps you're better off without each other.

Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 10:31

It is crass
Really crass.
Honestly I couldn’t go out with someone like that.
If he can’t afford something then that’s fine. But he is obviously weighing the financial things up in his head.
I would just disengage and walk away.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 29/08/2021 10:35

Exactly this. There have been plenty of threads on here about women who are in financially abusive relationships who haven't picked up the red flags in the years before. Or those who pay 50/50 on their maternity leave while doing all or the majority of the childcare and housework. These set ups don't happen over night, it's more of a boiled frog situation.

Not saying that that is what OPs situation sounds like, but it's important to listen to your gut!

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:36

@AlbertBridge Pretty complicated situation. But the reason I've driven miles is because I really liked him, things were going well and he wanted to see me. Prior to meeting him I was dealing with the situation fine. But I guess him 'hosting' lead me to over compensating with buying shopping, beers, treats, not considering the petrol money...

OP posts:

Original poster

treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:37

I also do chores and jobs for him when I'm there. General tidying, cleaning, dish washer etc.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 10:40

So the question I'd be asking myself, were I you, is whether he's worth talking to about this? Or not?

ohthatbloodycat · 29/08/2021 10:40

Oh God, his sorry arse would be dumped by me.
Sorry OP, but I would find this extremely unattractive.
You have been more than fair in your approach to paying, but he is a miserable tightarse.

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 10:40

@treated50

I also do chores and jobs for him when I'm there. General tidying, cleaning, dish washer etc.

Oh, come on...

billy1966 · 29/08/2021 10:47

@treated50

I also do chores and jobs for him when I'm there. General tidying, cleaning, dish washer etc.

Why are you making so little of yourself cleaning his house?

Why would you do that.

Bringing food to a house to cook for him?

For someone so tight?

Have you any self respect?

Or are you looking for the dregs to end up with?

Suprima · 29/08/2021 10:47

@treated50

I also do chores and jobs for him when I'm there. General tidying, cleaning, dish washer etc.

please stop this immediately

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