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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 29/08/2021 09:32

I said it would be nice to do something on Friday, maybe drinks or dinner or the cinema. He then responded to go for dinner and suggested the specific place and restaurant. He asked if I'd drive, and I genuinely didn't mind doing so...

This does all sound like a 50/50 scenario. It wasn't like he asked you out and suggested a lovely place. You initiated the date, he suggested a venue, then he asked you to drive. I bet at the end of the night he was surprised you hadn't offered to split the bill.

It's how friends behave towards each other, in my mind. He's very, very clearly not trying to impress you.

People on MN despise "game playing" but a certain amount of passivity is useful in dating because it lets you see what someone does off their own back. If you hadn't suggested doing something on Friday, would he have wanted to see you? Would he have suggested something? Would he have asked you out to dinner at this restaurant?

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 09:37

He's not privy to your mental tally (which will be more idiosyncratic, far less obvious, than you imagine it to be) and I suspect he's confused.

He may well categorise 'dates' and 'buying stuff' completely separately. So would never connect everyday shopping with dinner and drinks dates.

The artwork payment might have seemed weird but generous to him but, a case of whatever floats your boat / a signal that you're a lot richer than him, or than he thought you were. He didn't ask you to make it a gift, in fact he explicitly said he'd pay you back. It was your odd, unexpected, one-off choice to pay for it. You're the one changing the goalposts after the event there, expecting re-payment for what was presented as a voluntary act of generosity.

By running your (actually rather precise and completely transactional) mental tally, you are trying to manage his budgeting and spending of his money. Stop that. It's presumptuous and interfering.

If you did actually want to be generous, you need to recognise that gifts with strings are not gifts, not generous.

You need to leave your mental fantasy world of generous romantic gestures while he woos you, (while actually totting up every penny and leaning on your BF for reciprocal favours), bump down to earth and learn to communicate. If you can't do that, relationships will fail, however shiny and 'generous' the knight appears.

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 09:41

When I thought he had offered to 'treat' you, and then asked for money back, I was going to say YANBU and he sounds like an arse.

But after reading that he didn't say he was treating you, and you just assumed, I think YABU. My friend is like this - for simplicities sake, prefers to pay up front by herself when we have lunch, and then I just transfer her half immediately after.

I'd never assume it was a treat unless explicitly stated

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 09:44

As for why he didn't mention it at the time - he probably felt massively awkward!! If I had paid on my card to keep things quick and simple, and had thought the other person would send me their half, I'd be mortified if they said "Thanks for treating me!" Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be, if you could only afford to pay your half and the be other person had thanked you for treating them?

He probably had to pretend it was an afterthought/something he'd not planned at the time (hence the 'just thought if it aftet looking at my finances' excuse) because otherwise it would be a bit painful - imagine, "Thanks for treating me!" "Umm... I'm not." 😂

ancientgran · 29/08/2021 09:45

I wonder if he's on a site somewhere moaning about women and equality but just assuming men will pay when they go out.

ancientgran · 29/08/2021 09:46

@Balonzette

As for why he didn't mention it at the time - he probably felt massively awkward!! If I had paid on my card to keep things quick and simple, and had thought the other person would send me their half, I'd be mortified if they said "Thanks for treating me!" Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be, if you could only afford to pay your half and the be other person had thanked you for treating them?

He probably had to pretend it was an afterthought/something he'd not planned at the time (hence the 'just thought if it aftet looking at my finances' excuse) because otherwise it would be a bit painful - imagine, "Thanks for treating me!" "Umm... I'm not." 😂

Yes I think you have summed it up well.
GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 09:50

It's the "thank you for treating me" that I can't get my head around. (Especially since he hadn't claimed to be doing any such thing).
If, as op claims, it's a genuine 50:50 thing wrt spending, there's no room for treats, it's just accepted that she'll take a later turn and it'll even out?

ElsieMc · 29/08/2021 09:53

I think you have your doubts here op. It is early days and finances are an issue. Its not just the meal (and you say it has happened twice) is it. You also picked up the artwork which he could easily have rung ahead and paid for on his card and you picked up the bill here.

I think the asking for a meal contribution has focussed your mind when you already had doubts. If things are tight, then he shouldnt be agreeing to eat out regularly which is a luxury - well to me it is!

Whilst some of your posts have been picked apart, you already know the answer and you have only been seeing him a few months. You wanted advice and mine is to get rid.

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 09:55

If he's that hard up for cash that he can't afford £40 (because we aren't talking about £80, his half is £40, he also had more drinks than me but for arguments sake we will split it) then he shouldn't be asking me to pick him up 'luxury' items from the shop like beer, in the knowledge I will wave the cost.

The more I've slept on it and had time to think, the more annoyed I have got to be honest.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 09:56

I said it would be nice to do something on Friday, maybe drinks or dinner or the cinema. He then responded to go for dinner and suggested the specific place and restaurant. He asked if I'd drive, and I genuinely didn't mind doing so...

Turn that around and how would you interpret it? I suspect 'BF invited me to do something with him on Friday night and suggested dinner. I accepted, suggested a place I thought we'd both like and checked he'd be ok to drive (he's always fine with this). I was really looking forward to our date and had a nice evening but when the bill came, he made no move to pay! It was so awkward. The waiter was hovering, I just had to pay for the whole thing. Going out for dinner was his idea! I thought he was treating me. It was expensive too and I couldn't really afford to pay for everything. What a sponger!

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 09:57

he shouldn't be asking me to pick him up 'luxury' items from the shop like beer, in the knowledge I will wave the cost.
No, he absolutely shouldn't, but then you shouldn't be waiving the cost. Why do you?

EmeraldShamrock · 29/08/2021 09:58

The bigger spends should be split.
Buying treats and a bottle wine to drink indoors is fine, meals out should be split unless you know he can afford it without impacting his financial position or agree to pay next time.

Howshouldibehave · 29/08/2021 09:58

the knowledge I will wave the cost

Don’t waive the cost then.

If you go 50/50 with everything and stop banging on about being ‘treated’ the whole time, I think things will be a lot more straightforward.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/08/2021 10:01

he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.
Supermarket buys seem okay as he does it too for you?
OP he shouldn't have had to ask for money towards dinner.

Goldbar · 29/08/2021 10:02

Why is he constantly asking you to pick up shopping for him?

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2021 10:02

Maybe he's no good, maybe it's you, who knows. Unless you stop guessing and start talking you'll never know. If you're happy to let him go based on misunderstandings and assumptions, so be it.

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:03

Turn that around and how would you interpret it? I suspect 'BF invited me to do something with him on Friday night and suggested dinner. I accepted, suggested a place I thought we'd both like and checked he'd be ok to drive (he's always fine with this). I was really looking forward to our date and had a nice evening but when the bill came, he made no move to pay! It was so awkward. The waiter was hovering, I just had to pay for the whole thing. Going out for dinner was his idea! I thought he was treating me. It was expensive too and I couldn't really afford to pay for everything. What a sponger!

To be honest I think it's more awkward to be making regular requests for things from the shop, getting artwork bought for you, getting dinner cooked for you multiple times a week (with ingredients they've bought and left any extras at your house), and then asking them for half a bill at the end of the week...

Whether he wanted to pay for the shopping, artwork etc. is irrelevant in my mind. He didn't pay for them, I did. He accepted me paying, didn't argue or insist once I had waived the cost. But when it comes down to his turn to waive the cost, he didn't, which speaks volumes in my mind.

OP posts:
CallMeMabel · 29/08/2021 10:03

Be blunt and ask what he's playing at...and tell him how much you've been spending on him. He might not have considered that and is only focussed on what he pays for and thinks you're a free loader. I would have to put him straight about that.
He sounds selfish and stingy and rude so I'd be off regardless, he'd give me perma-ick.

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 29/08/2021 10:04

@treated50

If he's that hard up for cash that he can't afford £40 (because we aren't talking about £80, his half is £40, he also had more drinks than me but for arguments sake we will split it) then he shouldn't be asking me to pick him up 'luxury' items from the shop like beer, in the knowledge I will wave the cost.

The more I've slept on it and had time to think, the more annoyed I have got to be honest.

But I doubt it's because he can't afford it. It's because you've assumed he was treating you and he's now having to try and reset that expectation. He's come up with an excuse as he's been forced to ask you for the money after the event.
BorderlineHappy · 29/08/2021 10:04

arguments sake we will split it) then he shouldn't be asking me to pick him up 'luxury' items from the shop like beer, in the knowledge I will wave the cost.
Stop waiving the costs.
If he asks for anything,get him to send it acrossbefore you pay.

You've set the precedent by not taking the money.Now start taking it back and split everything 50/50.

Original poster
treated50 · 29/08/2021 10:05

@EmeraldShamrock 95% of the time he hosts me, due to my living circumstances. He's only bought shopping / wine twice for my place vs. probably in excess of 20 times I have done so for his. I'm grateful for being able to stay at his, it is costing me a lot in petrol, but I am over compensating by buying extras for his place.... when really, he's at a massive advantage financially by hosting me in his own home and not having to travel or spend any money on shopping, food, drinks etc.

OP posts:
Balonzette · 29/08/2021 10:06

Honestly you sound like you're incompatible. I actually find it really awkward when people constantly wave the cost when I expect to pay. I get that it's meant to be a nice gesture but it often makes the other person feel a) really cheeky and awkward because they prefer to repay or b) like they can't ask you to grab something from the shop when they really need something, because they know you'll tell them not to pay and then they'll come across as a CF.

This is clearly a big deal to you so I think you need to decide whether to call it quits, tell him that you're unhappy about his asking you to pay your half, or stop telling him not to pay when he's clearly not one of 'those' people. One of you has got to change your ways or this isn't going to work. Or yeah, just call it a day.

From his point of view, your constantly waving off costs might be just too much?! I'd not like it. The artwork thing would have made me feel REALLY uncomfortable. I know you had lovely intentions but I'd have felt like such a CF if I were him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 29/08/2021 10:06

Why are you doing all his shopping and cooking at his house?

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 10:06

But why is he forced to ask for the money? Why isn't he thinking "she's so good to me buying me beer and presents and cooking my dinners so I want to treat her to dinner"

Why is he so happy to receive but not to give?

BorderlineHappy · 29/08/2021 10:08

getting artwork bought for you,
But he didn't get the artwork bought for him.
He offered you the money,you said no.

In all fairness though,he should have sent you the money for that before you bought it.

You have a tally in your head.
He doesn't know about it becauseit's in your head.
He's not a mind reader.