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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 29/08/2021 06:13

Maybe he just feels awkward at the time asking for ‘your half’ and he texts the next day as that’s easier?! If everything else is ok then maybe just say upfront that you’ll go halves.

timeisnotaline · 29/08/2021 06:25

But he can afford it if he wants to, he’s saved more than half of two dinners on things he’d have bought anyway but the op has bought for him. Food, beers, petrol, an £80 piece of art, etc !

1FootInTheRave · 29/08/2021 06:26

Your last post reads as though you're paying when you both eat at home and he pays when you eat out?

I think he's been waiting for you to offer your share and has got pissed off.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2021 06:40

@timeisnotaline

But he can afford it if he wants to, he’s saved more than half of two dinners on things he’d have bought anyway but the op has bought for him. Food, beers, petrol, an £80 piece of art, etc !
Um you’ve no idea of his finances, what a privileged position you’re in to not understand that for some money is tight.
Treezan82 · 29/08/2021 06:52

OP, the way you have been doing things is absolutely fine. I don't know why people are pulling it apart. You have both been paying your way over time in such a way that doesn't mean getting a calculator out at the Sainsburys checkout. I get this, you get that. It's totally normal and how most people do things early on in a relationship.

The fact he asked you for money is embarrassing. It would massively put me off him.

fabulouslyglamorousferret · 29/08/2021 07:09

I never want to read/hear the word 'treat' again!

AutumnLeafDance · 29/08/2021 07:09

@Potpourri23

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that's he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.
This!
ThatWardrobe · 29/08/2021 07:13

Your last post makes it sound like you've paid your half of the £80 during the week. You do see that that's not the same as him shouting the full £80 when you're out though?

I agree with pp who say you're both at fault. I'd try offering to pay half from now on and seeing if things improve. It could be that him not knowing exactly how much you spent on groceries etc means it's easier for him to tot it up wrong. Or that when you say you're treating, he takes that at face value, but he's not saying the same to you because his finances don't allow it. If things don't improve when you're 50/50, you have your answer.

Window1 · 29/08/2021 07:25

@Bluntness100

Op so basically does that mean you don’t offer? You jist sit there and say nothing so he feels compelled to pay then he has to text you the next day and ask?

Why don’t you offer?

Was thinking this.

Diverseopinions · 29/08/2021 08:10

I think the art example sounds a bit troubling. It's not usual to ask someone to collect a frivolous item for you. ( Medication, maybe, or a dry cleaned suit for work, because you're stuck late at the office).

If you're a couple, and the relationship is conducted along quite romantic and lovey dovey terms, there is a high probability that the person doing this errand will say that they will pay for the desirable object and give it to their partner as a nice gift; a delightful surprise. I think it's a bit embarrassing to say: "Would you mind picking this up for me....and paying, and I'll pay you back?". He could have phoned the shop and paid with his card, and just asked you to kindly collect it. But, even just asking you to collect it is awkward. He's buying a present for himself. He isn't thinking of whether there is a little something you liked there, that he could get for you, also. I think he could have waited until he visited you and then purchased it.

I wonder if he hoped you would say you'd get it for him, and that's why he asked you. I wonder if he perceives you as comfortably off and generous and is tempted to take advantage of your good nature.

Diverseopinions · 29/08/2021 08:24

I think it is presumptuous to ask a friend to pick up an artwork. £80 in a fair bit of money: you don't know that someone will have that spare. But he obviously does know, in this case, so I think he has you pegged as a generous and kind-hearted person who has a comfortable amount of money, and who doesn't want to count pennies.

Now you are aware of this possible tendency, you can see if it becomes a trend to surreptitiously get you to pay for stuff when it isn't your turn - as I think this is what you suspect him of: a degree of strategy and cunning, which is unacceptable to your code of honour.

Oogachuckachopsy · 29/08/2021 08:33

@ButterflyAway

So he’s making you aware he’s in a tight space financially and you’re pissed off about this? Would you rather he was unable to afford food/transport/bills/whatever just to treat you?

Maybe he feels too awkward to suggest you pay your own half if you’ve made no moves to do so.

Wake up. Why would he invite her out to dinner if his finances are so poor? And why is he only checking his account after the fact? At best, he has appalling money management skills, at worst, he’s a tight bastard with appalling money management skills. My vagina would be dry as dust too.

Also, OP more than pays her way. I suspect she pays more than him.

HaveringWavering · 29/08/2021 08:42

He says finances are so tight that he needs you to pay for half a dinner, but he was prepared to spend £80 on art? All very odd.
Also, make sure you deduct petrol cost from anything you do pay.

phishy · 29/08/2021 08:46

@ButterflyAway

And as for the PP who’s vagina would dry up at someone not being able to afford spending money on them, says it all about the type of person you are really.
She didn’t say that though did she? Hmm i hate this misrepresenting of posts and thinking you can get away with it by not quoting them.
BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 29/08/2021 08:47

Ugh, I went out with a tight wad once and it put me right off him in the end. Everything had to be split to the penny. No wonder he’d been a virgin until we met (he was 33)!!

phishy · 29/08/2021 08:53

Having read all of your posts, OP, I think you might be heading into a situation where you pay for the majority of things, maybe 80% of the time.

So he paid £80 for this meal, you are now going to reciprocate with a meal, however, the next day he asks for £40,p for your share of the meal, but you’re STILL going to pay for the next meal because you’re generous and don’t like going dutch so he’s winning and you’re losing.

I would suggest that you go dutch on all meals for a while. Yes, it will be awkward, but it will show you how he operates on this basis.

WimpoleHat · 29/08/2021 09:02

Next time you go out for a meal, casually reach for the bill and pay it. And see if he says anything then….

TigerGolf · 29/08/2021 09:11

OP, I think you’ve been keeping a mental tally, but your DP hasn’t and doesn’t appreciate all the smaller shopping trips equal a similar amount. If I was you, I’d speak to DP and agree that you always go halves when you eat out or take turns to pay in full, and then only buy shopping for your own homes, except wine, puddings or other gifts.

I don’t think you sound like a CF at all, but I’ve been out with friends who expect you to cover the bill or say they’ll pay next time and don’t or you drive and they drink lots of alcohol but expect you to pay equally. It’s an unattractive quality, and does make me resent them.

Just have an open conversation and agree how to share costs in future.

Givemethatknife · 29/08/2021 09:15

I think this guy may well end up taking advantage of you, either call it quits or have an open conversation about what’s bugging you and give it 6 weeks to see if it sorts out.

It’s slightly weird to me to say you are ‘treating’ someone if you are taking turns on a regular basis, that’s just a different way of splitting a bill. Treating someone is taking a less well off friend out for a dinner that You know they can’t afford to return in kind - if you am just paying for dinner with a partner or a friend, knowing they will pay next time, that’s not treating them. I’m just saying this so you can be clear with him if you choose to talk to him rather than just dump.

helentomelon · 29/08/2021 09:17

So he can't afford to pay for your meal when you've been treating him all week, but he can spank £80 on a piece of art?

And he ended up not buying the art himself so he's up £80 on what he thought he'd be.

Nah this is bullshit, get rid

phishy · 29/08/2021 09:20

@WimpoleHat

Next time you go out for a meal, casually reach for the bill and pay it. And see if he says anything then….
She already does pay for meals…
Jumpingintosummer · 29/08/2021 09:23

[quote treated50]@buckeejit I said it would be nice to do something on Friday, maybe drinks or dinner or the cinema. He then responded to go for dinner and suggested the specific place and restaurant. He asked if I'd drive, and I genuinely didn't mind doing so...

The meal and drinks were £80. He has bought dinners before and not asked to split or have the money reimbursed, which is why the couple of occasions are weird and a bit gut wrenching. I've easily spent my 'half' of the meal out in buying shopping for him (or buying shopping for us so I can cook dinner inc. expensive ingredients like steak) / beers / petrol in the last week.[/quote]
To be objective… but I still think you two need a good talk….

You say I easily spent my share on food petrol etc. In his head was that say £40 but he spent £80?
Also if he drinks double what you do you are subsidising there too. Did you send hime half the meal cost or just a contribution?

WimpoleHat · 29/08/2021 09:27

@phishy - I know she does. But I do think it’d be interesting to see if, after all this “asking for half” palaver, the boyfriend would be happy just to let her pay next time. If he much prefers doing 50/50, then that’s fair enough….but he needs to stick to that all the time, just not when it’s on his dime. I think it’d be interesting to see his natural reaction to the next time. It could be that he (wrongly, I think) doesn’t “count” shopping and cooking etc, or it could be more sinister and that he just doesn’t like taking his turn. But I do think his reaction the next time will be telling.

phishy · 29/08/2021 09:29

@WimpoleHat understood!

LittleBiscuit09 · 29/08/2021 09:29

That would annoy me. He could have said at the time, I'll grab it and you can transfer it over later.

Unless your a millionaire you know what your money looks like at any given time. Once you could chalk up to poor planning. Didn't expect it to be that much. But twice is developing a pattern.

If you can't move past it, go Dutch from now on.

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