Page 9 | Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 19:37

I love these sorts of comments from people with young children, who know exactly how they'll feel when their kids are grown and they're in an entirely different relationship with them and this person who used to be a stranger but is now part of their family

It’s like they’ve got crystal balls. It’s the same as all the posts from people who maintain they won’t want their kids’ support when they get old. Easy to say until you’re faced with the reality.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/08/2021 19:39

@Etsylicious

How would you feel OP, if in the future you are told by your DIL to stay away for almost three months?!

I think you’re being very unreasonable.

Treat people with kindness.

I know that question was directed at @frazzledpregnantlady, but I am going to answer it, if you don’t mind, @Etsylicious.

I have three sons and no daughters, so as and when one of them starts a family, I will be the MIL of the person carrying the baby - and if my DIL told me that being heavily pregnant, not seeing her Dh much, and having loads to do when he is around, plus having had a difficult pregnancy meant that she wouldn't be able to see us until after the baby was born, I would accept it, without question!

I certainly wouldn't be guilt tripping my son and daughter in law - as far as I am concerned her welfare would be far, far more important than my wish to see her, or my son, or them.

You are saying the OP should ‘be kind’ - but shouldn’t her MIL be kind to her - what with her being heavily pregnant and having had a difficult pregnancy? Why does the kindness always have to go towards the person who is being demanding and manipulative? I know “the squeaky wheel gets more oil” - but why should the OP have to make a fuss before anyone will be kind to her?

I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself on a 37-38 weeks pregnant woman and insisting on staying with them - and it baffles me that any adult would think it is OK to do so, when they have been told that it is not convenient, even if they had had an easy pregnancy.

Of course some women will feel amazing, even at that late stage of pregnancy, and if they are happy to host people, that is great - but I remember how I felt, that late on in pregnancy when I had a toddler, and the thought of all the work of hosting would have been unbearable.

The OP’s ILs could stay in a hotel/B&B, and take her son out, to give her a rest. They could see their son in the evening - or offer to come round with a takeaway for the four of them - there are plenty of things they could do that would enable them to see their son and their grandson without adding extra stress and work for @frazzledpregnantlady - and if they were being kind and thoughtful, that is what they would be doing, instead of the manipulative crying and guilt tripping.

Livelovebehappy · 28/08/2021 19:40

It’s one night there, and another back. Yabvu.

Holly60 · 28/08/2021 19:43

If they want to spend with your DS, are you able to ask DH to insist that they take him out for the day?? That way you get to do what you wanted to do, DS gets a lovely day out being treated by GPS and they are happy too. Order a takeaway for the evening and get DH to do bedding etc.

RightYesButNo · 28/08/2021 19:43

I wonder how you feel at the moment about not seeing your son for ten weeks or more,

This is insane. MIL is in “floods of tears” despite the fact she’s seeing OP’s whole family at 33 weeks. Then OP’s husband is apparently working the next two weekends, so they don’t really give a fuck about just seeing or helping OP. And then when they can monopolize DH’s time again, when he’s not working a weekend, up they pop at weeks 37 AND 38. Ten weeks?!? They’re barely going three weeks without a visit! And only skipping the weeks they can’t see DH!

And the PP who said this:
That's why MIL is crying. She's just learned how much you don't like them.
Yes, because she can’t come visit every THREE weeks including what could be the week or the week before OP gives birth (38 weeks). This statement is disgusting, manipulative, and unbelievable. I don’t like “be kind,” but ffs, do better.

And of course:
I think you are being too precious, its your husbands home as well. Would it be different if they were your parents?!
I mean, I don’t know about OP, but I like to have as many family members there as possible when I’m bleeding, cramping, and lightly contracting, which is what will happen after a sweep; it’s so awesome to have an audience . NO. I wouldn’t want any family members from either side. And big fecking pointer: OP’s parents haven’t been on the phone in “floods of tears” demanding they be allowed to use Hotel OP during this time.

Honestly. Were some PP raised by wolves? Being a good guest means knowing when to NOT be a guest.

Jericha · 28/08/2021 19:45

I think I'd just identify a couple of dates that would be the least annoying time for them to visit, and say you can't host them on their preferred dates but they can come on X day when DH is home so you can all spend some time together, they can catch up while you're possibly at an appointment or resting (and he can then do the associated housework/dinner arrangements). If there aren't any suitable dates that DH is home perhaps he can book a day off work and visit them with your eldest and leave you home to rest. This doesn't necessarily have to come from you but DH.

Ultimately if MIL is in tears at the prospect of not seeing you again the above will be a happy solution. If it's more that you are conveniently located to an event they want to go to but don't want to fork out for accommodation, well that's not your issue due to too much stuff going on to play hotel.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2021 19:50

YANBU. Your dh needs to support you, not make your life harder.

whynotwhatknot · 28/08/2021 20:02

if they can afford to do a 600 mile trip they can afford a cheap hotel for the night

watchingthedetectives · 28/08/2021 20:03

2 overnight stays doesn't seem a big deal.
Just say hello and that you have been advised to take it easy so DH will make dinner/get a takeaway if required and then go to bed early.
No need for drama
My FIL was a nightmare so I don't say this lightly

BlueMongoose · 28/08/2021 20:04

No matter what the circumstances, it's a damned cheek to wish yourselves on someone else's house twice in short order without an invitation, family or not.

When you know fine well your presence is not wanted because you have been told loud and clear that someone wants peace and quiet, and for very good reason too, it's completely out of order.

It seems to me this trip may well have been planned specifically to dump themselves on you because you have said that's not what you want. If it is too far for them to drive without a break, they they should either stump up for a hotel or not go.

As for the 'they could help with jobs' or 'it won't be much trouble' brigade, I don't agree. When someone needs peace and quiet in their own home, and in the OP's case that's completely reasonable, they should have it. No doubt some people are used to keeping open house and find it no bother, but we are not all like that. For some of us, even visitors we like to have, and who are helpful and don't muscle in uninvited can be tiring at the best of times.

LittleOwl153 · 28/08/2021 20:07

I would absolutely say no to them visiting the day of your sweep. I've been there. I felt like shit afterwards and certainly wouldn't want to be entertaining anyone at that point.

The only way I would be prepared to do this to break up their journey would be if DH sorted the spare room - no shuffling people around - in advance. They came late at night, slept, got up and went. However there is no way they are going to do this with your DS there - who would absolutely be going to nursery those days.

I'm assuming as they are travelling for an event changing their days of travel isn't possible? You could perhaps put them up on the first trip if they did Sunday night? But not the way back as to have to change last minute if any of the interventions work would he too much if booking a hotel is too expensive.

You need to make sure your DH gets over his wobbles and starts putting you and your new baby first at this critical point!

BlueMongoose · 28/08/2021 20:10

@RightYesButNo

I wonder how you feel at the moment about not seeing your son for ten weeks or more,

This is insane. MIL is in “floods of tears” despite the fact she’s seeing OP’s whole family at 33 weeks. Then OP’s husband is apparently working the next two weekends, so they don’t really give a fuck about just seeing or helping OP. And then when they can monopolize DH’s time again, when he’s not working a weekend, up they pop at weeks 37 AND 38. Ten weeks?!? They’re barely going three weeks without a visit! And only skipping the weeks they can’t see DH!

And the PP who said this:
That's why MIL is crying. She's just learned how much you don't like them.
Yes, because she can’t come visit every THREE weeks including what could be the week or the week before OP gives birth (38 weeks). This statement is disgusting, manipulative, and unbelievable. I don’t like “be kind,” but ffs, do better.

And of course:
I think you are being too precious, its your husbands home as well. Would it be different if they were your parents?!
I mean, I don’t know about OP, but I like to have as many family members there as possible when I’m bleeding, cramping, and lightly contracting, which is what will happen after a sweep; it’s so awesome to have an audience . NO. I wouldn’t want any family members from either side. And big fecking pointer: OP’s parents haven’t been on the phone in “floods of tears” demanding they be allowed to use Hotel OP during this time.

Honestly. Were some PP raised by wolves? Being a good guest means knowing when to NOT be a guest.

Yes to all that. That MIL sounds like a total pill- an emotionally manipulative nightmare, who needs to have a few rules spelled out for the future, and if she was my MIL she would already have learned not to pull that sort of stunt.

I was lucky, I had a wonderful MIL, I loved her dearly and miss her very much. And no way would she have ever EVER done anything remotely like this. Why? Because she was kind and had been brought up to have decent manners, and to show consideration for other people, just for a start.

phoenixrosehere · 28/08/2021 20:12

As for the 'they could help with jobs' or 'it won't be much trouble' brigade, I don't agree. When someone needs peace and quiet in their own home, and in the OP's case that's completely reasonable, they should have it. No doubt some people are used to keeping open house and find it no bother, but we are not all like that. For some of us, even visitors we like to have, and who are helpful and don't muscle in uninvited can be tiring at the best of times.

Plus, OP knows her in-laws better than all of us and knows what category they fall into and from the behavior already given, doubt they’d be much help.

BlueMongoose · 28/08/2021 20:13

@Guineapigbridge

All the drama though. Can't you change your sweep appointment to the next day. It all seems so manufactured because you don't like them. That's why MIL is crying. She's just learned how much you don't like them.

You do not change medical appointments because some self-centred relative wants to wish themselves on your home.

Eilatan2018 · 28/08/2021 20:15

@frazzledpregnantlady

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

No way! If they want to go to a celebration it isn’t your job to put them up.. pregnant or not! Tell your husband to get a back bone and support you! I hate presumptuous people… although tbh I hate my MIL so explains my feelings!!

BlueMongoose · 28/08/2021 20:21

@phoenixrosehere

As for the 'they could help with jobs' or 'it won't be much trouble' brigade, I don't agree. When someone needs peace and quiet in their own home, and in the OP's case that's completely reasonable, they should have it. No doubt some people are used to keeping open house and find it no bother, but we are not all like that. For some of us, even visitors we like to have, and who are helpful and don't muscle in uninvited can be tiring at the best of times.

Plus, OP knows her in-laws better than all of us and knows what category they fall into and from the behavior already given, doubt they’d be much help.

Yep, that was in my mind too. If they were always helpful, considerate, and thoughtful the OP might feel differently. But even if they were, there can be times when someone who isn't in the best of health just needs quiet. And also, if they were all those things, the last thing they would be doing is pushing themselves on the OP....which gets us right back to 'you don't invite yourself to other people's homes when you know they would rather you didn't' again.

Anyone who will pull the 'in tears' stunt on the OP at a time like this isn't likely to be considerate in other ways. It sounds like the MIL thinks everything should be arranged to suit her, no matter what.

Bunnycat101 · 28/08/2021 20:24

I’d let them stay but I wouldn’t take your son out of nursery. I’d make it clear that they are welcome as a stop over but you need your rest and your son will be in nursery. If they want to pick him up early and then take him out there yet would be fine too but if you’ve got stuff to be doing I would keep him in nursery.

BlueMongoose · 28/08/2021 20:32

@frazzledpregnantlady

I asked for opinions regarding letting my in laws visit, as I can see both sides.

Calling me selfish however for following the advise of my obstetrician however is pretty low. As mentioned, I have had a medically complicated pregnancy. I haven't gone into details here & don't relish the idea of having a sweep at 37/40 but this is what has been recommended.

I'm shocked that anyone has suggested you're being unreasonable. I thought before I saw the poll that only about 1% would be YABUs. I suspect that they are types who don't find visitors in their home stressful, possibly have never been unwell in a way that means even people you love are tiring by just being there, and who have zero imagination about how other people might feel. I have had major surgery twice, and I have PTSD, and at the worst times I just want/ed DH around, nobody else. Even a phone call from a friend, though welcome, could/can leave me unbelievably tired for hours. My close friends and family understand that there can be bad times and adjust accordingly, which is wonderful, I know I'm very lucky.

Don't bother about the YABUs. They clearly don't understand. Anyone who does will be right on your side on this one.

lljkk · 28/08/2021 20:36

Apols, I'm catching up, I misunderstood & thought OP said something about 60 miles...

OP: do you live in USA? It's the 33/40 thing that is unusual. Plus the 600 mile drive each way.

OP is seeing them at week 34 anyway, they want to visit on way to/from social event at weeks 37 & 38.

It sounds like they drive A LOT. Presumably they will be back around week 42 to see the newborn?

it's a lot of contact when OP is tired & struggling to stay well with a partner who works long hours & a toddler. If they can drive that much they must have good energy levels & can afford a motel to break up their journey. Saving them money or fatigue is not a compelling reason to host them.

I hope the birth goes well, OP. However it happens.

honeybuns007 · 28/08/2021 21:06

@nc8765

I think you're being a bit precious. But your feelings are valid as they are yours, and yours alone.

If I was your MIL I'd feel upset. How much "stuff" do you really need to sort out between now and when baby is born? I mean, really?

I'd also be thankful I'd have my in-laws to help with childcare of DC1 if I went in to labour actually!

Who will be looking after DC1 when you are in hospital giving birth?

Have you ever been pregnant? Some women are exHAUSted at the late stages. But hey, go you for criticising a pregnant woman and calling her precious for not wanting to host entitled family at term with a DH who clearly thinks more of everyone else than he does of the woman carrying his child. OP, you should be EVERYTHING right now. Your DH should be worshipping you and treating you like his Goddess. If not when you are about to give birth to his child then when?

honeybuns007 · 28/08/2021 21:09

@Livelovebehappy

It’s one night there, and another back. Yabvu.

Who is changing the bedding? Cooking? Making small talk? It sounds like the whole family expects the OP to 'host' and would be put out if she just went to bed. In any case, SHE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH. At this point, NO one else's whims matter. FFS you are just nasty

Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 21:17

OP, you should be EVERYTHING right now. Your DH should be worshipping you and treating you like his Goddess

Oh please! 🤮

perfectstorm · 28/08/2021 21:25

I'm amazed anyone thinks you're being selfish. Since when is a heavily pregnant woman so far down the pecking list in terms of peace of mind? Why is a woman who will have to go a few weeks without seeing her adult child more of a concern than one about to deliver her child from her body, and who wants privacy and quiet to prepare for that?

You're about to have a baby, after a complicated first, and with a range of not-fun interventions in the near future. We are animals, humans, and we birth better when we feel safe and relaxed. You therefore need to do whatever it takes to ensure just that. Right now, your interests are this baby's interests, and your DH is wanting to put his mother's tears over not seeing you for a handful of weeks ahead of you and the baby's wellbeing. That's messed up.

Your DH needs to locate a spine and deal with his parents himself, without encroaching on your sanity in the run-up to this birth - sounds as if the first was a traumatic experience, and I hope this one is a happier one. Which you are doing all you can to ensure. And he should be supporting you in that endeavour.

YANBU. At all.

DH needs to book them a hotel and take them out to dinner. You need to stay home, put your feet up, and not be manipulated into doing things to your own detriment this close to the delivery. Your interests and the baby's are effectively one, at this point. There'd be something wrong if you weren't prioritising everything you could to have a safe and healthy delivery.

I'm really sorry you are contending with this.

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 21:57

Just on a sidenote, aren't other women horrible to other women sometimes? The idea she should be hosting her mother in law while having a sweep instead of relaxing in a quiet house, despite not being willing to do so. Patriarchy is alive and well.

Boredmotherofone · 28/08/2021 21:57

Crikey we were driving 70 miles through 3ft snow on Boxing Day at 39/40!