Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

[frazzledpregnantlady]

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

Hi OP

I don’t think you are being remotely ‘precious’ in not wanting visitors on those days. You’re a very heavily pregnant woman and your wishes should count for more than your in laws deciding to use you as a hotel.

I simply do not believe they can’t afford the £40-50 quid for a cheapo hotel. If they are driving for 600 miles for a social occasion - how much would the petrol be for that journey!?

Stick to your guns. Your partner should be putting you first at this time.

@Soontobe60

I think you just don’t like your PILs and have come up with a list of reasons why you don’t want them there. At least you could be honest!

Whilst they are stopping over, they are able to either help with some of the jobs (how hard is it to put a cot up???), spend time with your other child so you can get in with other prepping, or even be there to look after them if you suddenly go into Labour in the middle of the night!

Oh, give over. In that kind of advanced state of pregnancy, which is utterly exhausting and none-too-comfortable as memory serves me very well, OP does not even need to come up with a litany of reasons as to why she doesn't want to entertain guests in her home. She's said no, now is not a good time for her. That should be respected and understood.

This is a temporary situation and it's for a brief amount of time in the scheme of things. If her in-laws can't accept this small, eminently reasonable and temporary need for a bit of privacy and relaxation just prior to giving birth then it's a pretty poor lookout for any positive future relationship.

As for those complaining OP is 'precious', what utter cobblers. It's her home. In any relationship one party should have a veto on who stays, especially if on a one-off occasion like this, and her DH should be prioritising the wellbeing needs of his heavily pregnant wife rather than the whims and wants of his parents.

OP, YANBU. Not in any way

YANBU at all!.
I feel like your mil has been very manipulating by arranging this long trip of theirs just as you said you'd probably not see them until after baby was born.
As for the iron transfusion, I certainly felt completely knocked out for the first 24 hours after my first one. I had expected, very naively, to feel completely energised by it but it was the opposite for me.
It was only when I went in for the second one that the midwife explained it can take anything from a few days to a few weeks to feel the full benefits of an iron transfusion.

Who are these parents and ILS who want to impose their wants on another family?

My DPs and ILs offered help. Didn't use us as a staging post. Didn't insist on being the first to see the babies, waited to be asked.

When we were sorted they were asked. All were much loved and the relationships with GC went brilliantly.

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows.

Yes, it does. I unfortunately didn't get a second full-term pregnancy (I've had six in total and one living child to show for it). But I do know the utter fear and stress of undergoing a high-risk pregnancy after a succession of losses. And it isn't a thing I would wish on anyone.

My MiL tried something similar on, wanting to be hanging around at the hospital whilst I was in labour. Fortunately it was DH she approached on this issue, I wasn't asked, but he was astounded (i.e. jaw openly dropped). He didn't even tell her he'd consult with me, especially since she doesn't even know me that well. The response was a hard 'no'.

No one needs this kind of stress after a difficult pregnancy. This is the sort of thing that can lead to PND. The behaviour of OP's in-laws (and yes, her DH too) is unconscionable.

This needs shutting down hard, fast, and now, or life when this baby arrives will rapidly become intolerable. Take it from one who's learned.

How did you find the iron transfusion? I'm having one next week and hoping it will help with my energy levels.

Relaxing. I just sat there reading and/or on my phone waiting for the bag to empty. Baby slept through them for the most part and when he was awake, there was someone more than willing to have a hold or hand him to me if necessary.

First time, they struggled to find a vein and had to wait for a doctor who got it eventually after squirting my blood about six feet.. lol. Took about five tries to get it in which is normal for me.

I had lost a lot of blood during birth and other than feeling a bit lightheaded, I didn’t know my iron levels were dangerously low that they wanted me to stay overnight. I had been taking iron supplements after they advised them during pregnancy. I felt great after having my second so it was a surprise. They put me on for six, but found I only needed five. I was in the hospital for about 2-3 hours depending on the wait. Appt was only supposed to be an hour.

Tell your DH that if he wants them to come (and it involves spending a day at yours), he needs to be on leave that day or it’s a no - you aren’t hosting so either he does or they don’t come

YANBU. You are not a hotel! They can put their hands in their pockets and pay for one night in a hotel at the celebration or part way.
It is enough that you will be hugely pregnant and this is stressful. Your husband and ILs should respect that.
Ignore all the cool wives and those saying let them come and make your husband do it all. We all know you will end up hosting. Stand firm.

All the drama though.
Can't you change your sweep appointment to the next day.
It all seems so manufactured because you don't like them. That's why MIL is crying. She's just learned how much you don't like them.

@ActonSquirrel

Imagine your son telling you that you aren't welcome for one night when your grandchild is on its way.

Yes, imagine it! Were my young son of an age to be having children I'd actually insist he did just that, if there was a chance that it would in any way put his pregnant wife under strain after a medically difficult pregnancy. I'd be on stand-by for instructions as to what I could do to help - including giving them space at first if need-be - not expecting them to play host at my convenience.

Imagine putting that kind of pressure on my hypothetical DiL, and that that stress caused any kind of harm to their baby. I'd then have to live with myself.

WTF ARE these intrusive in-laws who think this behaviour is in any way a-okay?

I think you're being precious. You PILs won't have seen their son for ten weeks, nor he them, when you're at full term. And then, doubtless, you're going to want to keep them at bay because you've got a new baby.

Of course he's embarrassed. And if he's any kind of a decent son and loves his parents. he'll be missing them.

It's very unlikely that you'll give birth at 37 or 38 weeks, and the things you're 'really busy' with can surely fit around a brief visit from them.

If you want think selfishly about it, you'll have got their visit in so that you can keep them out of the way for weeks when the baby arrives. Which I bet my bottom dollar that you want to.

It's your DH's house too, it's his parents. and you don't have to be there the whole time they're there. Just get on with it and have a bit of empathy.

All the drama though.
Can't you change your sweep appointment to the next day.

Where do you live where you can just change an appt so easily?

What is this arrant focus on xx/40??

Is it a New Thing?

Good golly.

Were my young son of an age to be having children I'd actually insist he did just that, if there was a chance that it would in any way put his pregnant wife under strain after a medically difficult pregnancy. I'd be on stand-by for instructions as to what I could do to help - including giving them space at first if need-be - not expecting them to play host at my convenience.

I love these sorts of comments from people with young children, who know exactly how they'll feel when their kids are grown and they're in an entirely different relationship with them and this person who used to be a stranger but is now part of their family.

I wonder how you feel at the moment about not seeing your son for ten weeks or more, @MarieIVanArkleStinks

The crying phone call is of course not good. But neither is not letting them visit, when there's still two or three weeks to go to term.

@phoenixrosehere

*All the drama though. Can't you change your sweep appointment to the next day.*

Where do you live where you can just change an appt so easily?

No, my midwife and obstetrician both only have Tuesday clinics.

I really think the OP is entitled to prioritize herself and her labour over her inlaws , much as it might be nice to accomodate them in normal circumstances!

@Arseholery

What is this arrant focus on xx/40??

Is it a New Thing?

Good golly.

I don't understand what you mean?

What is this arrant focus on xx/40

Read, Close to Due Date. As in, good chance of baby making an appearance; very good chance of pregnant woman being huge, uncomfortable, sleep deprived etc etc.

@saraclara

I think you're being precious. You PILs won't have seen their son for ten weeks, nor he them, when you're at full term. And then, doubtless, you're going to want to keep them at bay because you've got a new baby.

Of course he's embarrassed. And if he's any kind of a decent son and loves his parents. he'll be missing them.

It's very unlikely that you'll give birth at 37 or 38 weeks, and the things you're 'really busy' with can surely fit around a brief visit from them.

If you want think selfishly about it, you'll have got their visit in so that you can keep them out of the way for weeks when the baby arrives. Which I bet my bottom dollar that you want to.

It's your DH's house too, it's his parents. and you don't have to be there the whole time they're there. Just get on with it and have a bit of empathy.

I'm seeing them this weekend and then my husband is working the next two weekends and then they want to visit that week and the week after.

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows.

I absolutely had that experience. But I still had my in-laws to visit from three hours away, in the last couple of weeks. I kind of hoped I'd go into labour because it would solve my child care problems for #1!

*I love these sorts of comments from people with young children, who know exactly how they'll feel when their kids are grown and they're in an entirely different relationship with them and this person who used to be a stranger but is now part of their family.

I love these comments where people want to act as if such mothers ever forget how people acted right before, during, and after their pregnancies, labours, and giving birth especially if they were traumatic and/or difficult due to ridiculous behaviours by family members. I’m never going to forget the shi**y comments I received from my husband’s side when I wasn’t being listened to during my first pregnancy and they said I was being difficult and doctor knows best, having my mil go on about her vaginal births after I had my first when I had spent weeks being coerced into an induction that I never needed (nor wanted) that resulted into a traumatic emc with a blue baby that has special needs and was nothing as the doctors had said nor her joking about my mental health after being teary when I was still dealing with said trauma a year later after having flashbacks of that time. Doesn’t joke about my husband’s trauma, but mine is fair game.

Not all of us are lucky to have in-laws that we are close to or comfortable around enough that we wouldn’t mind them near us during a time of complications or vulnerability.

@saraclara

Were my young son of an age to be having children I'd actually insist he did just that, if there was a chance that it would in any way put his pregnant wife under strain after a medically difficult pregnancy. I'd be on stand-by for instructions as to what I could do to help - including giving them space at first if need-be - not expecting them to play host at my convenience.

I love these sorts of comments from people with young children, who know exactly how they'll feel when their kids are grown and they're in an entirely different relationship with them and this person who used to be a stranger but is now part of their family.

I wonder how you feel at the moment about not seeing your son for ten weeks or more, @MarieIVanArkleStinks

The crying phone call is of course not good. But neither is not letting them visit, when there's still two or three weeks to go to term.

Not about me, though, is it?

It's about a woman who is going through the fear and uncertainty of a high-risk pregnancy. If it wasn't high-risk she wouldn't be under the care of an obstetrician (incidentally, the advice that she should override the professional advice of her medical care team in order to accommodate her in-laws is shameful, and it's to be hoped she will ignore it).

If it's a question of empathy I certainly know what it's like to be in the position OP is in now. And frankly, I'd likely reevaluate my relationship with anyone - no matter how they were - who saw fit to put even more stress and pressure at such a frightening time.

Having been the DiL in that position it would be a bit hypocritical to demand (wholly unreasonable) standards of behaviour from other people that I didn't have the slightest intention of adhering to myself.

It's about what OP needs. OP: that would be the understandably anxious, hormonal woman in an advanced state of pregnancy, who is also a human being. Not an incubator.

@saraclara

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows.

I absolutely had that experience. But I still had my in-laws to visit from three hours away, in the last couple of weeks. I kind of hoped I'd go into labour because it would solve my child care problems for #1!

OP isn’t in that position though - maybe your MIL is pleasant and sensible, in which case you are lucky.

I’m on the fence with this one. In all honesty I can’t really see what your issue is. They’ll only be staying one night and I don’t think in reality it will have any effect what so ever on your chances of having a natural birth. They should however be helping you out rather than expecting to be hosted.

On the other hand. It’s your house and you don’t have to have them there if you’d rather not.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

What is this arrant focus on xx/40

Read, Close to Due Date. As in, good chance of baby making an appearance; very good chance of pregnant woman being huge, uncomfortable, sleep deprived etc etc.

I understand what it means, it just seems overly specific.

Fine in conversation with midwives or similar, this is a chat forum, it's an odd way to speak when the listeners don't need to know the exactness. It's repeated a lot, too.

In the olden days it was just pregnant, half-way there, nearly due.