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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saying no to the in laws visiting at 37 & 38/40

365 replies

frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 15:13

I'm currently 33/40. It's been a bit of a difficult pregnancy physically and emotionally. My husband has not been around much until I hit 26/40 for work reasons, and I wasn't coping very well.

My in laws live a long drive away. They have been very upset about how little they have seen us. I think they don't fully appreciate how little I have seen DH myself and how close we have both been to the brink we both have been. I agreed to them coming up to visit us several times, and they even came on holiday with us for a few days. The last time they were up, I was 30/40, and I told my MIL that the next time we see you will probably be when the little one is here! The reason being that we had a lot to sort out, and DH was due to be working several weekends before my due date, so we needed to spend most of our time trying to get stuff ready for the baby, and I wanted to spend some time enjoying time alone as a family of 3. My MIL took exception to this and has been phoning my husband up in floods of tears about the fact that she wasn't going to see us until the baby was due. I have reluctantly agreed for a further visit next weekend when I am 34/40, but I have made it clear that I will not be "hosting" as I have a long jobs list to get on with. I know my reluctance has upset DH and he feels a bit torn. I don't dislike them; I feel we need some space as a family.

Anyway, the in-laws have contacted us to let us know that they are going away to visit friends who live 600 miles away from them for a celebration, and they would like to stay the night with us on the way up and the way back. At this point, I will be 37/40 and 38/40. As I am term at this point, I feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to stay with us.

DH is mortified. He feels that his parents will not be able to afford to stay in a hotel, and it is too far for them to drive in one go, so he can not turn them away. He feels that I am unreasonable by essentially saying no. He has said that if I am in labour, then that would be different, and he would expect them to stay elsewhere, but otherwise, we should be welcoming them.

To put this in context, I ended up being induced at term plus 14 with my son and ended up with an emergency c-section. This might have been one of those things that was always going to happen regardless. Still, I feel that a big contributing factor to my going over dates was that I reached term at Christmas and ended up travelling 600 miles plus trying to appease various family members when I should have been putting my feet up and relaxing. This time around, I would really like a VBAC. My induction options are limited for a number of medical reasons. Therefore, if I have not gone into labour between term and T+6, I will probably have a c-section. It may be that I need to have a c-section at term. I want to avoid this; I've therefore booked to have sweeps from 37/40 and am planning to do acupuncture/all the old wives tales to jolly things along. They might do diddly squat, but I feel it's with a go. The idea of having a sweep and coming home to make small talk with my in-laws whilst I'm feeling uncomfortable and got niggly contractions fills me with horror. Plus, they possibly cancel each other out in terms of getting labour juices flowing. I hate feeling like the bad guy in all this, but I would never expect to stay with someone if they are imminently about to drop a baby.

Am I being overly precious, or are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
momofbhoys · 28/08/2021 17:58

@frazzledpregnantlady

It would be interesting to know if you generally like them and make them feel welcome? Happy to stand corrected but .... Reading the tone of your writing it sounds like they are never welcome. That would be hard to swallow for your DP because they are his parents.

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 18:00

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Excuse?

She is effectively a mostly lone parent about to give birth.

Her DH won't be around to host his parents and OP doesn't want to for a myriad of reasons, not least of which should include she just doesn't want to.

She doesn't need and excuse. But her DH and ILs have pushed until she feels she must find a reason to say no.

She doesn't. No. That's it.

FFS!

This.

OP the tears from your MIL tell me everything.

Your husband is no prize.

You have been doing it all and when he is eventually around, his parents are insisting on imposing on you.

Stick to your guns.

You need to mind yourself, no one seems to be.

Flowers
Jubilate · 28/08/2021 18:00

I haven't rtft.

I would offer to pay for a night in the nearest cheap chain hotel and meet them for dinner.

Duchess379 · 28/08/2021 18:01

Tell DH they can stay providing he stays home from work to entertain them, feed them & sort the sleeping arrangements out.

Spudinator · 28/08/2021 18:01

If your helpful hubby is working so hard, he should be able to afford a hotel for his parents. Especially if he feels personally affronted by hosting them himself.

Nc123 · 28/08/2021 18:03

@Phobiaphobic

Jesus Christ, who phones up their adult son in floods of tears because they can't see him for a while? Why don't women like this get a fecking life???
I have been quietly wondering this throughout my entire marriage.

Funny how it always happens at specific times, like eve of wedding, late stage pregnancy, etc.

JammyGeorge · 28/08/2021 18:04

YANBU

No way I would be hosting overnight guests at 38 weeks pregnant including my own parents.

Time limited visits from family & friends who are local and can easily be organised & rearranged if you are feeling grotty is absolutely fine, you aren't going into hibernation and it isn't personal to the IL's.

Unfortunately if you live 600 miles away that isn't an option, it's an all or nothing thing with regards to contact and they need to accept it just too much for you to commit.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2021 18:04

@frazzledpregnantlady

I've agreed to them coming up next weekend. I haven't agreed to them coming up when I hit term. No, it's not a quick overnighter they want to basically spend the day with my son. My husband will be working except in the evening. My son would otherwise be in nursery as it will be my first day of maternity leave (well annual leave officially) so it will be a full house including my son whilst I pop out to the midwife for my sweep and have to try and entertain everybody/host for the rest of the day. I remember having bleeding and niggly contractions after my sweeps last time for hours.
I would say they could come, but DH will need to take time off work to host them and facilitate everything.

You'll be enjoying your first day of maternity leave as you've planned to - maybe putting your feet up in front of the TV all day (apart from sweep) - and absolutely not engaging in small talk / running around offering snacks and cups of tea.

sjxoxo · 28/08/2021 18:05

I don’t think you sound precious!! I think it’s entirely your decision to make & I’d feel exactly the same as you. I do actually! My MIL is a retired midwife; when my SIL gave birth her mum went and stayed with them for weeks. She keeps hinting that we can do the same. Absolutely not!! I will stand my ground. I don’t want to see her (or any of our family or friends) on anything other than terms that suit me/us as a family and I won’t budge on it. Normally of course but potentially going into labour no thanks. You have other fish to fry & I think you should totally do what feels best for you, baby & DH at this time xox

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/08/2021 18:05

I think you are being too precious, its your husbands home as well. Would it be different if they were your parents?!

phoenixrosehere · 28/08/2021 18:07

What difference does it make?. They’re your husbands parents. Its his home as much as yours. All the back story is totally irrelevant. Big you don’t want them there then it’s up to you to tell them. Not fair to leave it to your husband to do it.

OP said in her post that she already said something at 30 weeks and then gave leeway at 34 weeks. What more needs to be said and why would you want to impose on a pregnant woman who is supposed to be relaxing and it is known there were complications last pregnancy?

Find it interesting in-laws can afford to go somewhere 600 miles away but didn’t make arrangements for a hotel for part of the way.

OP it sounds like you have a DH problem. Suggest he pay for their hotel or have him book a hotel for you (with room service) and you can relax in peace and he can take off work and host his parents.

AlwaysLatte · 28/08/2021 18:08

I think putting 'sorting out stuff' above welcoming very close family who hardly see you isn't right, but that's just my opinion. Things happen during pregnancy (we had our entire roof replaced when I was 38 weeks!)

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 18:10

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

I think you are being too precious, its your husbands home as well. Would it be different if they were your parents?!
Well, I wouldn't normally plan to invite my parents around after a sweep either- they'd make me feel uncomfortable too. I'd actually planned a quiet day of minimal stress with a toddler cared for in a different building to me (as if I'm in the same buiilding he will want me and not his grand parents). I wouldn't mind my sister being there because I'd feel relaxed and she gets it.
OP posts:
Xyzzzzz · 28/08/2021 18:15

I don’t like overnight guests. In this scenario I feel for you Op as I’m 30 weeks and already tired with a toddler and husband who works away. So I understand somewhat.

Can’t your DH take time off to ‘host’ them.

Nc123 · 28/08/2021 18:16

If you can’t avoid them coming….Book them in at the hotel. Insist on takeaways for tea. Husband does all hosting. They need to help with the stuff you need to do.

But no should be your first option.

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows

squishymamma · 28/08/2021 18:17

I totally understand you OP. I live in a different country to my parents and flat out refused when my mum said she wanted to come around my due date - even though she'd have stayed in a hotel, I'd have felt like I had to entertain her. And that's my own mum!

Those last few weeks are so precious - for some they want to spend it with family (I have another friend whose mum is coming from her home country a few weeks before the birth and staying until afterwards) but I absolutely don't think you're being unreasonable to want to be just you 3. We're having our second in December and our parents know we want to be alone in those last few weeks. Fortunately my PIL are far too busy to be sad they don't see us often Grin and DH totally understands my viewpoint even though it doesn't matter to him - since I'm the one carting around and having to push out his child he sees it as a non-issue.

Maybe try talking to your DH and explaining what you wrote here about not being comfortable with the sweeps going on and everything. I'm sure he'll understand. Good luck!

PheasantsNest · 28/08/2021 18:22

You sound very dramatic about it all.

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 18:28

They sound manipulative. Crying to your DH because you're taking a few weeks to get ready for the birth of a new baby is so immature and attention seeking. Then manufacturing a reason why they must come and stay with you at that exact time. Even if you were being unreasonable, the time to suck it up and think of others is when the heavily pregnant lady is heavily pregnant. She's put her son in a difficult position and caused strain between you, clearly to ensure she gets the access she wants. I can't stand this kind of behaviour.

Nc123 · 28/08/2021 18:28

@PheasantsNest

You sound very dramatic about it all.
I’d say the dramatic one was the MIL sobbing down the phone instead of just getting that late stage pregnancy isn’t an ideal time to be insisting on visiting for two nights
Enwi · 28/08/2021 18:31

I have read the thread, thank you very much. I seem to have missed the bit where she said the sweep was the exact same day in laws were planning to join. To me it seems that instead OP is having several sweeps over the period of a few weeks which may or may not clash with PIL’s visit. If that is the case then I still hold my first opinion which is that she is being unreasonable. It’s 2 nights, out of 3 weeks in which labour may not even happen anyway. No one is saying she needs to wait on MIL hand and foot and invite her over for the month.

The thread is asking for opinions and that’s what I gave (in a respectful and not unkind manner, unlike yourself @ChargingBuck

SemperIdem · 28/08/2021 18:32

Your MIL sounds like a pain in the arse.

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 18:38

@Enwi

I have read the thread, thank you very much. I seem to have missed the bit where she said the sweep was the exact same day in laws were planning to join. To me it seems that instead OP is having several sweeps over the period of a few weeks which may or may not clash with PIL’s visit. If that is the case then I still hold my first opinion which is that she is being unreasonable. It’s 2 nights, out of 3 weeks in which labour may not even happen anyway. No one is saying she needs to wait on MIL hand and foot and invite her over for the month.

The thread is asking for opinions and that’s what I gave (in a respectful and not unkind manner, unlike yourself @ChargingBuck

Nope, I am having a sweep on the day I turn 37/40 which is when my parents in law have asked to stay. They want to spend time with their grandchild during the day and head off at some point the next day.
OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 28/08/2021 18:38

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows

Agree. After I had one and we hosted the in-laws in our home days after our son was born, husband agreed never to do that again. He didn’t enjoy having them there and noticed that I was grinning and bearing it out of politeness and that wasn’t fair nor right. He wouldn’t have just given in to his mother’s tears. He would have reiterated the plan and told them what hotels they could stay in. They stayed in a hotel the last time they visited before our second was born and didn’t stay with us at all but when the second was born because we told them early on we weren’t having any visitors for the first two weeks. Whether his parents understood or not, don’t know and honestly don’t care. We were in the middle of waiting for the sale of our home to go through and I spent most of that time in the hospital having iron transfusions with the baby next to me while husband and oldest were together or the oldest was at nursery.

YellowWalls33 · 28/08/2021 18:39

YANBU

Original poster
frazzledpregnantlady · 28/08/2021 18:48

@phoenixrosehere

Some of the commenters here have never had the experience of a second pregnancy after a medically complicated first , and it shows

Agree. After I had one and we hosted the in-laws in our home days after our son was born, husband agreed never to do that again. He didn’t enjoy having them there and noticed that I was grinning and bearing it out of politeness and that wasn’t fair nor right. He wouldn’t have just given in to his mother’s tears. He would have reiterated the plan and told them what hotels they could stay in. They stayed in a hotel the last time they visited before our second was born and didn’t stay with us at all but when the second was born because we told them early on we weren’t having any visitors for the first two weeks. Whether his parents understood or not, don’t know and honestly don’t care. We were in the middle of waiting for the sale of our home to go through and I spent most of that time in the hospital having iron transfusions with the baby next to me while husband and oldest were together or the oldest was at nursery.

Thanks, that's useful to hear your experience and makes me feel a bit more validated. How did you find the iron transfusion? I'm having one next week and hoping it will help with my energy levels.
OP posts:
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