Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Letchy fucking men

279 replies

ineedsun · 28/08/2021 12:03

I don’t think IABU but I’m due on so might be over reacting.

I wore shorts today because it’s warm here, not proper short, shorts, probably two or three inches above the knee, I walked somewhere - about 3 mile round trip. I’m just fed up of letchy men, I can ignore staring, and someone smiling and saying hello is friendly and nice but people slowing down to comment or make the sort of noise you make to call an animal. What the fuck is wrong with them. I felt genuinely intimidated at one point and I’m a nigh on 50year old grandmother, I changed my intended route on the way back because I felt too scared to walk along a footpath. I hate to think how teenage girls feel and what their experience is.

Perhaps naively I thought the world had moved on.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/08/2021 10:49

@lollipoprainbow

I find it hard to believe that men would go crazy for a 50 year old in long shorts !! Exaggerated much ??
... and there it is. A (presumably) female poster who appears to be of the type to grade other women in the same way that letchy men do. Probably feels flattered when one of these lousy oiks whistles at her like a dog.

Finds it hard to believe that men cat-call/leer at any woman because that downgrades her own thrilling experience of being letched at.

Lockheart · 29/08/2021 10:49

@Tinpotspectator

That said, I agree it's worse in London, actually.
I moved to London a few years ago and this has never happened to me there, although it has happened to me in Southampton (where I moved from).
Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 10:51

[quote Corrag]@Blossomtoes I don't think it's fine actually. It's not OK for men to be seeing a teenage girl and thinking she's sexy. Not OK for men to be thinking they'd like to shred someone's arse. Not OK.[/quote]
We can’t police people’s thoughts, that’s beyond Orwellian. Hell, we can’t even police their actions.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/08/2021 10:52

I was reading the 'nice area' post and thinking that perhaps it's not a question of demographic - rich men are just as letchy - but perhaps it's the size of the area? That poster mentioned a village. I live in a village too. Everybody knows each other and it wouldn't make sense for public displays of letchery.

Shitting on own doorstep comes to mind; nothing to do with wealth or a naice area.

vdbfamily · 29/08/2021 10:58

OP, I have a lot of lovely men in my life..DH,dad, brothers, friends and so am quite balances about this but I have 2 daughters. My eldest is 6'3 and beautiful. She cannot go out for the day without attracting endless male attention and it is so entitled and disrespectful. She rang me once to say how awful it was and whilst we were on the phone I heard a van tooting with wolf whistling. Last week a group of 3 accosted her trying to get her number. One asked if she was a man due to her height and his mate said" no, I've been walking behind watching her arse, and there is no way it is a man's" !!!!!?? Why does my 18 year old have to put up with this. She actually tells men she is gay if she goes clubbing just to get rid of them. Even that does not always work. It is honestly so depressing but then again, when you read some MN threads on relationships and see what some women out up with and allow their children to witness, and then Chuck in the diet of porn these boys grow up with, it is little wonder they grow up treating women like a piece of meat.

Corrag · 29/08/2021 11:00

@Blossomtoes I'm not suggesting we should police people's thoughts but as long as men think like this, there'll be men who voice those thoughts. Do we just accept this? Accept its OK for men to think about girls/women in this way?

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 11:06

[quote Corrag]@Blossomtoes I'm not suggesting we should police people's thoughts but as long as men think like this, there'll be men who voice those thoughts. Do we just accept this? Accept its OK for men to think about girls/women in this way?[/quote]
What else can we do? You are suggesting we police men’s thoughts. It’s impossible. Which is an excellent thing, on the whole - would you want to be told what you could think? It’s the behaviour that needs to be addressed although God only knows how we do it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/08/2021 11:15

I think men will only 'get it' when they see women they actually love, being treated this way - and have to deal with the shocked/angry/sad/depressed daughter/sister/girlfriend.

It will be the proprietorial nature of men that will be the hook in making a change.

That said, it's been happening forever and they're either not witnessing it/noticing it or acknowledging it. I don't know how we would make that happen because in my own experience, my husband is a kind/decent man, he will listen to me, calm me... and absolutely not realise the impact.

Corrag · 29/08/2021 11:19

@Blossomtoes I accept that we can't "police" people's thoughts to the extent that we punish them. But I don't accept that's its OK for men to think this way about girls/women. Are we saying it's inevitable that men will think this way. Are they not capable of thinking any other way?

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 11:22

[quote Corrag]@Blossomtoes I accept that we can't "police" people's thoughts to the extent that we punish them. But I don't accept that's its OK for men to think this way about girls/women. Are we saying it's inevitable that men will think this way. Are they not capable of thinking any other way?[/quote]
Doesn’t look like it. I reckon if we could see what other people think we’d live in a state of perpetual shock. Good looking women aren’t failing to register on decent men’s radar, they just keep their mouths shut.

OhWhyNot · 29/08/2021 11:26

I don’t think men do get it when they see the girls and women they love treated this way they have seen it all their lives

Men so often put women in boxes nice women, crazy women, whoreish women

They might be protective about those they are close too but often don’t respect other women

Tell a story of a women being attacked to a man I can guarantee he will ask where was it, what time, was she drunk, what was she wearing

so750 · 29/08/2021 11:27

I imagine that online porn is a big contributing factor.

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 11:29

@so750

I imagine that online porn is a big contributing factor.
I don’t think it is. It was worse before the internet was invented.
Corrag · 29/08/2021 11:32

@Blossomtoes I don't have a problem with men registering that a woman is good looking, that's perfectly natural. In the same way I might walk past a man and register that he's good looking. No harm in that. But there's something seriously wrong if we think it's perfectly OK for men to think 12 year old girls are sexy, or that they'd like to shred a woman's arse.

Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 11:35

I agree. But what can we do? It would be a massive advance if they just kept their thoughts to themselves.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/08/2021 11:38

I had an experience a couple of months ago with a man I met whilst in a bar…

Friend of a male friend and older than me but youthful looking etc. Very friendly and very touchy feely - eg on arm. Then I noticed he was touching the much younger attractive barmaid but it seemed jokey. He was also flirting with another barmaid. They both seemed awkward and humouring him, must be hard if custom is picking up after lockdowns.

As I was interested in him and we texted afterwards etc (very flirty on his behalf) I discounted this behaviour. I did stalk on his FB though and found photos where he’s “jokingly” groping, flirting, sexual double entendres with other women but he’s having a laugh right so that’s his character?!

We then went on a date where he then mentioned towards the end of the date that he was actually living with a woman and had been for many years but she let him out and excused his male chauvinist behaviour and flirting.

My main point is the more this is accepted by society and him then the more he and other men will think this is acceptable behaviour.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/08/2021 11:39

@Blossomtoes

I agree. But what can we do? It would be a massive advance if they just kept their thoughts to themselves.
But lots of men do think it’s acceptable to comment openly on women no matter what their ages.
Blossomtoes · 29/08/2021 11:40

But lots of men do think it’s acceptable to comment openly on women no matter what their ages

That’s what I just said. 🤷‍♀️

R0SEMARY · 29/08/2021 11:41

@DrSbaitso

Pickme girl much?

I have a theory about users on an almost entirely female website who do things like deny the realities of sexual harassment, while using overly feminine usernames.

What a coincidence ! So do I Grin.

They are completely deluded to think that I will disregard my entire life experience ( and that of every woman and teenage girl I know ) because a randomer on the internet has told me I’m wrong.

5128gap · 29/08/2021 11:41

@OhWhyNot

I don’t think men do get it when they see the girls and women they love treated this way they have seen it all their lives

Men so often put women in boxes nice women, crazy women, whoreish women

They might be protective about those they are close too but often don’t respect other women

Tell a story of a women being attacked to a man I can guarantee he will ask where was it, what time, was she drunk, what was she wearing

I agree with this. I also think if you scratch the surface a lot of the outrage on behalf of 'their' women is precisely that, they're 'their' women and other men need to back off out of respect for them, not the women concerned. The intelligent ones don't say this, but it's a huge part of it imo.
Gonnagetgoing · 29/08/2021 11:41

@so750

I imagine that online porn is a big contributing factor.
Totally agree. My last boyfriend who wasn’t young was into stuff (anal, pulling hair etc) from the first time we had sex. I told him no obviously but lots of other women his age and younger would probably do this to give into him. And please him.
Gonnagetgoing · 29/08/2021 11:42

@Blossomtoes apologies didn’t see your comment!

Corrag · 29/08/2021 11:42

@Blossomtoes It's so depressing. The best we can hope for is that men think this way but don't voice their thoughts.

idontknowwhyiamasking · 29/08/2021 11:44

@so750

I imagine that online porn is a big contributing factor.
Men aren’t because of porn. Porn is because of men.

”Porn tells lies about women and the truth about men”.

Porn just shows us how men view women, what they want to do to us, hiw they want to treat us.

OhWhyNot · 29/08/2021 11:44

It was certainly more acceptable to be obviously sexist but what we are having to deal with now and especially girls and young women is far more aggressive

I guess the more we push back the more we shall be put in our place Hmm

I’m relieved having a son he won’t have to deal with this and it’s up to myself and his dad to teach him that porn isn’t real and degrades women (not easy when it’s not only porn)