Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

[ChocCakeYes]

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

There isn’t really a way unless you want to tell her to mute this constant moaning because it’s a sensitive topic for you. Otherwise, change the subject and say ‘let’s focus on some more positive things’. She needs to hear herself!

Ps YANBU btw. It sucks. I’ve been there!

It isn't anything to be ashamed about to have infertility problems. I was very open about mine.

What do you think would happen if you told her?

She doesn't know you're struggling so she doesn't know to STFU.

Tricky.

Either tell her it's a sensitive subject for you and to therefore whinge at someone else or you're going to have to try and avoid her/change the subject.

I've also been in your shoes! It's shit

Why don't you tell her that you have infertility problems?

You can't tell her to SFU if you don't.

I have been through both sides of this, infertility and horrendous pregnancies. Both are equally shit.

She is entitled to her own experience and emotions. But you are also equally entitled to your own emotions to. I think you need to be more own with her about your own struggles. I'm sure she would probably be a lot less vocal about it with you if she knew what you were going through.

I almost feel like it'll be awkward and embarrassing for her if I come out with my infertility struggles, and I honestly don't want to make her feel like crap. The fact she's taken it on herself to be a spokesperson for hard pregnancies just makes it awkward.

A part of me thinks, has she not considered there's people out there hearing what's she's saying that are in the position I am in and maybe to be a little bit more sensitive about how she says things? Does she really need to he told?

Anyway, I know it's an issue with me rather than her. It's just hard to listen to.

I'm not embarrassed about my infertility struggles, I just don't feel like I can have a conversation with someone about it without bursting into a shed load of tears. I just don't feel ready to do that yet.

In the gentlest way, YABU. She sounds like she is having a really hard time of it, and is not aware that you're having an even worse time - of course she is going to be vocal about it. And I say this as someone who struggled with infertility and has never been pregnant. Doesn't make it any easier for you though, and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

Should I distance myself from her? Is that an awful thing to do? We've been friends for a long time.

I understand the correct thing to do would to be to open up about my struggles to her and hope she understands and calms down the complaining to me. But I honestly can't even comprehend doing that at the moment. Maybe I'm a bit of a coward but I feel like I'm not there yet.

Tbh OP, as sad as it is for you now, if you did end up getting pregnant and happened to have a horrible pregnant with HG/severe back pain etc, then would you really never moan about it in case you encountered someone who was struggling?

It’s like saying nobody should be able to moan about their nasty parent/spouse/sibling because someone else will have lost theirs and give anything to have them back.

Just because you’re going through a shit time doesn’t mean she isn’t too. You don’t know how you’d feel in her shoes and despite your struggles you might actually hate being pregnant if and when it does happen to you! She isn’t being nasty as she doesn’t know your situation so I think you either have to tell her, keep your distance (in which case she might be upset with you) or try to be more empathetic - 2 people can be going through a crap time at once!

I would think she was being insensitive if she knew you were struggling to conceive, but if you aren’t prepared to share this side of your life, you can’t criticise her for sharing aspects of her life/experience.

My advice would be to tactfully tell her and/or withdraw slightly from the situations which trigger these feelings. Your feelings themselves are completely understandable and infertility is truly awful to go through, but you are doing absolutely the right thing to acknowledge it isn’t her fault either.

I also found, when struggling with secondary infertility and everyone around me having their second ones, I had an active choice either to avoid the situation, or get involved in a practical way, babysitting older child or cooking food for the freezer. Anything to engage with the reality that everyone finds different things difficult and your problems aren’t their fault. But it is really hard and no one would blame you for putting a little bit of space in the relationship. If she can’t understand this then she wouldn’t be a good friend.

Pregnancy is hard though and your problems don’t down play her problems. I understand how you’re feeling but you can complain really if you haven’t told her. She has nothing to be considerate about if she’s unaware.

Thanks for all the messages btw, was expecting to be told IABU as I think so to. I'm just struggling to think of how to deal with it. I've started looking up therapists too to hopefully help me process everything.

Cant*^

It should be quite obvious to her that you have issues if you said anything that hinted how painful her words would be to someone struggling with infertility.

Generally, you would comfort any friend who was suffering physically, so without explaining to her why it's upsetting you and why you would prefer she spoke to others, it's unfair to expect her to stop.

I really hope you have success getting pregnant soon

I've also been on both sides of this.

As she doesn't know about your fertility issues I would say she is just seeing you as a friend to vent to... as people do. I'm sure if you explained to her about your fertility issues then she would not mention it to you as majority of people would realise it isn't very you know to do that.

If you're not ready to tell her, which I understand, then I don't know what to say really... I do know how hard it is for people to know as I felt terrible and it really affected me emotionally with my fertility struggles and made me feel less of a woman basically. However, she doesn't know.

I've had some terrible pregnancies since which included numerous hospital admissions and also severe mobility issues so despite experiencing the hurt of fertility issues I've also been on the other side. But obviously still happy being pregnant knowing that it was once the unthinkable that I would be.

Even if you do break down and have a cry about it there is no shame in it. It would in my view, be best if you started talking about it as otherwise it will keep affecting you both and it would be a shame to lose or damage a friendship over this.

Can I suggest you try to see the similarities in the situations your both struggling with things to have a baby? Maybe tell her and she can be more aware?

I've had 2 awful pregnancies the first physically and mentally and the second mostly mentally. I got lots of people saying why did you get pregnant again when you hate it but I desperately wanted another child so went through a long time trying to get pregnant then being ill during my pregnancy to get my child.

Can you try to think that she feels similar to your in that she's going through a really difficult time to get her much wanted baby? It's a hard decision to try and be pregnant again when you know how hard it was but the want for another child is strong.

Infertility is much much harder I know the want for a baby is all consuming but if she's a good friend I would confide in her and hopefully you can support each other.

Surely telling her of your struggles is better than distancing yourself from her, if she’s a close friend like you say? Friends are like gold dust, it seems unfair of you to punish her for something she’s unaware of! Being open with her might also alert her to the fact that as you say, other people with fertility struggles might be over hearing her. It might teach her to be more careful with her audience and give her some more insight.

So tell her in a polite way. Say look I understand that it's hard for you but please could you avoid talking about it when we're together because I have been struggling with infertility for x years.

Tell her you don't want to talk about it, your happy for her but sad for you.

If she is a good friend, she'll understand

I’m with you! I would take pregnancy hard over infertility / miscarriage hard any day.

I would say something to her though, I think most people are just totally unaware of how much some people struggle to have a child.

If you can't tell her in person can you not message her instead?

@LittleBiscuit09

So tell her in a polite way. Say look I understand that it's hard for you but please could you avoid talking about it when we're together because I have been struggling with infertility for x years.

Tell her you don't want to talk about it, your happy for her but sad for you.

If she is a good friend, she'll understand

I'm thinking of texting this to her, as it'll be easier for me to do because I can just put my phone down afterwards and distract myself. Would this be a bad way of doing it?

You can't expect her to be sensitive to yours or anyone else's struggles without telling her. She is none the wiser. She is expressing her emotions and thoughts and it is perfectly reasonable for her to do so. It's all about perspective, which comes from experience. Her experience is not difficulty in getting pregnant, but having a difficult pregnancy. You think she should be grateful for being pregnant because you're finding it difficult to conceive and she should just accept feeling like shite for 9 months, but she won't understand the struggles of conceiving because it's not in her world. You don't understand her struggles and she won't understand yours. The thing is, is that she's open about her struggles and you're not open about yours so you have unrealistic expectations of her. I'm sure she'd be more sensitive if she knew.

I am that moaning pregnant woman. Except for a traumatic miscarriage 5 years ago, I have not had difficulty conceiving and am now 16 weeks with my second DC. However, my pregnancies have been horrific. Hospitalised with Hyperemesis in first trimesters and severe SPD towards end. I worked out last night that I have vomited 68 out of the last 70 days. I was bed bound for 6 of those weeks and I honestly wanted to die. My pregnancy experience made it challenging to bond with my first daughter and affected my mental health. I don't feel grateful for being pregnant, I just feel really really ill. Everyone's going through their own s"&t

@ChocCakeYes

Should I distance myself from her? Is that an awful thing to do? We've been friends for a long time.

I understand the correct thing to do would to be to open up about my struggles to her and hope she understands and calms down the complaining to me. But I honestly can't even comprehend doing that at the moment. Maybe I'm a bit of a coward but I feel like I'm not there yet.

In these circumstances, it would be very reasonable to place a bit of distance between you, just so you can get through this awkward time.

It doesn't have to be NC or anything drastic, just gently and imperceptibly take a step back and reduce the amount of contact.

Either that, or mention you're struggling with TTC and you'd appreciate her not going so OTT about being pg, as there's very little you can do in practical terms. She needs to realise how she sounds.

If she really doesn't get it, and is so clueless to your situation, then there's little hope for her and you're always going to have the same problem with her. She'll soon regale you with every life stage of her offspring from teething, to potty training issues yada yada yada. Dull!