Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

[ChocCakeYes]

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

[quote AnonymousCheerleader]@PurpleDaisies

But the friend doesn't know the OP is struggling with infertility. [/quote]
The friend is planning on telling her.

Think you have to separate out the wants here
Your friend wants a baby, every but as much as you do.
She doesn't want to be pregnant, it's just the thing she has to endure to get there.
It's a bit like asking someone to enjoy IVF if she has difficult pregnancies.
You do it because you want a baby but I think if you go down that route you'd be annoyed by anyone who expected you to embrace it joyfully.
Of course for some people pregnancy is much nicer but having thrown up daily through my second and felt unwell every second of the first 20 weeks, it can be really bloody hard

You have two choices. Tell her how it's affecting you or don't. But either way the onus is on you. She can't know she's upsetting you if you don't tell her.

In the longer term though you need to grow a thicker skin and/or develop strategies to help you deal with it. I know that sounds harsh but what if it takes you years, or never happens at all? You can't avoid everyone and you can't police their feelings so it has to be you doing what you need to do to look after you. Life goes on for those around you and you can't stop other people living their lives remembering not to mention something or moan to their friends.

I have also been that moaning pregnant woman, and I honestly I still feel a fair amount of resentment towards Society which never actually made me realise how crap even a "normal" and "healthy" pregnancy can make you feel.

My mom would tell me this fairy tale about how when I was born she experienced sweetness and light, and no pain at all. It was only as an adult I realized she had an exceptionally difficult childbirth with me, leaving her damaged.

I don;t blame her but I do think that as women we are all somewhat brainwashed into thinking pregnancy and childbirth, because we're not in the 1800s anymore and don't literally run a high risk of dying horrifically, is the most wonderful thing that can happen to us and we just need to smile through it.

Yanbu. One - she’s doesn’t know of your struggles and two - pregnancy is hard sometimes. Feeling awful 90% of the time isn’t fun and you shouldn’t have to be quiet in case you offend someone. You can’t expect people to feel grateful for something just because someone else may have it harder.

I have also been that moaning pregnant woman, and I honestly I still feel a fair amount of resentment towards Society which never actually made me realise how crap even a "normal" and "healthy" pregnancy can make you feel.

Nothing wrong with moaning at all. It’s a case of know your audience though. If you knew someone was struggling to conceive, you wouldn’t be moaning to them knowing they would happily swap places, would you?

By the way, just to be clear, I don’t think the moaning friend has done anything wrong because she doesn’t know the op is struggling. It would be different if she did.

Having been through it (pregnant woman looking gone out, after moaning about morning sickness, a week after my umpteenth miscarriage, when I told her that it’s better than a miscarriage); I’d tell her.

After IVF treatment, I had twins - everything about pregnancy is twice as bad with twins; so I don’t think your friend needs to raise awareness of difficult pregnancy, as women have gone through it since time immemorial!

Nothing wrong with moaning at all. It’s a case of know your audience though. If you knew someone was struggling to conceive, you wouldn’t be moaning to them knowing they would happily swap places, would you?

It took me 17yrs to get pregnant. In that time my 5 sisters had 14 pregnancies between them, not to mention countless friends. I would have been really upset being cut out of their pregnancies because they were fearful of upsetting or offending me. Being part of their journey was good for my soul having been told I would never have a baby of my own. You have to learn to separate the two things or it will destroy relationships and friendships which are very important to most peoples mental well-being.

On another similar vein I have lifelong chronic and widespread psoriasis over 80% of my body including my face and often rolled my eyes (or worse) when friends/family complained that they had a zit and it was the end of the world. But their feelings about one zit were, and still are, their feelings. I have trained myself to ignore the implications and just concentrate on the fact that if I didn't have psoriasis I too would probably moan about zits.

You have to learn to separate the two things or it will destroy relationships and friendships which are very important to most peoples mental well-being.

No, you really don’t. Good friends understand that you’re not the right person to talk to about their awful morning sickness, unless you ask about it. Or that you don’t want to hear about their baby kicking, unless you ask about it. Sometimes it might be manageable to talk. Sometimes it really isn’t.
Pregnancy is short in terms of a long friendship. Many women find other women’s babies much easier to cope with than their pregnancies. I’ve always managed to pick up with friends after they’ve had their children.

I’ve always managed to pick up with friends after they’ve had their children.

But so many people don't. Because it's not just the pregnancy they can't bear to hear about but the child too after it's born. And you can't avoid people forever in case they want to moan that they have backache or awful sickness. I might not have been happy that my family and friends were having babies when I couldn't but not being part of that with them would have been much worse overall. Learning to compartmentalise saved my sanity and meant I could share their pregnancies/children with them without my mental,health going down the pan.

@nokidshere

I’ve always managed to pick up with friends after they’ve had their children.

But so many people don't. Because it's not just the pregnancy they can't bear to hear about but the child too after it's born. And you can't avoid people forever in case they want to moan that they have backache or awful sickness. I might not have been happy that my family and friends were having babies when I couldn't but not being part of that with them would have been much worse overall. Learning to compartmentalise saved my sanity and meant I could share their pregnancies/children with them without my mental,health going down the pan.

Congratulations that you managed that and that you went on to have a baby.

Plenty of us just can’t. Don’t use that as another stick to beat us with.

Congratulations that you managed that and that you went on to have a baby.* Plenty of us just can’t. Don’t use that as another stick to beat us with.*

No need to be sarky. I was simply sharing that it helped me so might help others.

I’m guessing what helped you most was having a baby.

Hiding this thread now. Pretty obvious it has hit a nerve.

I’m guessing what helped you most was having a baby.

I had 17yrs of heartache before that point. I had already actively stopped ttc and been told that nothing more could be done and I would not have any children. I didn't just learn to compartmentalise when I got pregnant at the age of 41 completely out of the blue, I learned to do it during those 17 very painful years when all my family and friends were having multiple children.

Because if I hadn't I would not have been able to cope. Maybe it will help someone else cope on a daily basis without sinking into the depth of despair.

@PurpleDaisies

I have also been that moaning pregnant woman, and I honestly I still feel a fair amount of resentment towards Society which never actually made me realise how crap even a "normal" and "healthy" pregnancy can make you feel.

Nothing wrong with moaning at all. It’s a case of know your audience though. If you knew someone was struggling to conceive, you wouldn’t be moaning to them knowing they would happily swap places, would you?

Oh hundred percent. If I knew I was talking with someone with infertility issues, obviously I would have reined it in.

I worked through my pregnancies at a large-ish women-dominated office though, lots of pregnant women around! a lot of us complaining, and may not. I'm wondering now if anyone at that office was struggling with fertility and was hurt by the rampant fecundity going on.

I wish we could be more open about this stuff.
And fwiw, I do think if motherhood and pregnancy was less glorified and women felt less pressure to bear children, maybe the mental and emotional struggles of women with infertility issues would be less?

there's no real biological imperative to have a baby (eg, like eating or drinking).

I’m really sorry about your struggle, OP.

Your friend is being insensitive, and (if she knows about your fertility struggle) I think she should tone down the moaning around you.

BUT - pregnancy is hard for many, if not most, women. Nausea, exhaustion, pain, discomfort, even disability, to say nothing of PEP rash, complications, HG, PGP, you name it.

It’s really important women can speak publicly about these things, so other women and girls know the truth about pregnancy, and maybe men might think cosplaying as women isn’t actually just about lipstick and high heels...

I mean, at the end of the day, pregnancy is "just" another biological condition - and there is no real reason for someone to feel upset that somebody else is complaining about pregnancy OTHER than the huge social and cultural pressure associated with it. If, societally, we stopped acting as if pregnancy the MAIN reason for women to EXIST, then women who don't want to or can't get pregnant may have lesser emotional distress and come to terms with that easier.

I say this as someone who was very much pressured by my own parents as well as broader society to have kids, I don't regret it, and I love my kids, they enrich my life blah blah, but I'm very much aware of the high price in terms of health and bodily autonomy, financial prospects and career development that women have to pay for having kids.

Ow, my c-section scar is itchy, excuse me.

Your friend is being insensitive, and (if she knows about your fertility struggle) I think she should tone down the moaning around you.

@VestaTilley the OP literally says the friend doesn’t know.

I think coming to acceptance of infertility takes a huge amount of time. My siblings have gone through this.
Having pregnancy shoved in your face at the height of the suffering is unnecessary. Of course, people won’t be aware unless you make them aware. Once they are aware, if they have empathy, they shouldn’t go on about it. It’s insensitive.
I found withdrawing from pregnant friends benefitted me but it’s not a lifelong solution. It really did help my mh to surround myself, temporarily at least, with non pregnant friends and family though.

You know what the problem is?

The problem is that from young age we learn that

1. getting pregnant is so damn easy
2. pregnancy is so magical
3. motherhood/parenthood is all bliss

And I mention just the child-related matters, not about marriage, etc.

So, I understand and feel for you, that it's hard to listen to your friend complain about pregnancy (I am ttc dc2 for far too long), but I do understand her as well.

Now, I am in therapy for the past few months, I realize that as hard as it is, I have to talk about my problems -goes against everything I was taught, my culture, the way I was brought up- .
But it's really hard, both talking about it, and listening about other's problems. It's something we have to work on, as a society.

Now, if it's that difficult for you to talk about what you're going through, you can mention that she could be more understanding because many women (generally-dont talk personally) are dealing with infertility.

Been there (am there) OP. You can’t keep putting yourself through this it’s bad for your own mental health.

If you value the friendship, send her a text saying something like “just wanted to let you know I’ve been struggling with infertility for some time now. It’s too painful to talk about but I thought you should know, as I’m finding it too hard talking about pregnancy so for my own mental health you may find me changing the subject…”

Be prepared for the fact that she won’t understand. No one does unless they’ve had infertility. It’s like being starving and watching people eating around you complaining about their food.

Best wishes and good luck xx

Sorry for what you are going through op.

The thing is you will never have any idea what she is going through. That's not because you can't get pregnant right now. You will never have any idea because no woman can imagine how another woman is feeling during pregnancy. I couldn't have even imagined how my second pregnancy would feel compared to the first, because one was absolutely miserable and the other one went textbook. At times pregnancy can be truly awful. Infertility can be truly awful. Both are horrible and one does not cancel the other out. It's not a competition of feelings, and after all your friend does not know what you are going through.

I am a bit eye-roll at the raise awareness though because what exactly is that supposed to achieve? Raising awareness only makes sense if you actually have a goal at the end of it. So raise awareness so that more people sign your petition about pregnant women not having to work night shifts. Or raise awareness in order to raise money for a support group that helps women with depression during pregnancy and ensures better access to counselling. Just raising awareness of something being crap is a bit of a cop out for "i want to moan and i demand everyone listen to me" and in that case i would say you are not being unreasonable. i would be tempted to ask what the friend plans to do with all this awareness she is raising.

Infertility and difficult pregnancies are not equal in my experience. (Pregnancies where the baby is at risk is a different matter.) Infertility is all-consuming hell for some people (it was for me), it's misunderstood, and there's not much sympathy about. The best you can hope for is pity, and nobody wants that! You don't know if it will ever end, if you'll ever 'fit in' again, if you'll ever get the family you're desperate for.

When my IVF resulted in a pregnancy, it was not the magical time I expected: health issues, sickness, pain, worry etc. And I did complain about those things, but only to people who themselves had children. I was very aware that I was still very fortunate. I knew it was temporary and likely to result in something I desperately wanted.

I'm sorry, OP. I understand how you feel and yanbu at all to feel the way you do. You can't help it. You're friend isn't dreadful for complaining, but it still sucks for you. Hope it works out for you