Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

[ChocCakeYes]

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

I have had two difficult pregnancies with multiple issues - GD and much more. I look back at the complaining and just constantly talking about my pregnancy with my first and cringe. With my second I barely mentioned it, having caught on that no one really wants to talk about pregnancy stuff all the time. Even if you weren't TTC it would still be boring listening to her go on and on about it. So YANBU but other than tell her about your struggle there's nothing you can do other than don't show much interest and hope she takes the hint.

Someone will always have it worse off than you and better off than you but that doesn't diminish what any individual is going through. You shouldn't be happy when you're sad just because someone is worse off and you shouldn't be sad when you're happy because someone is better off.

Sounds like your friend is luckier than you to be able to have children, I'm so sorry you're having infertility issues. But your struggles don't diminish hers. It's really tough being pregnant, being a parent, and its really tough not being able to get pregnant. You're both having a hard time, but her hard times are about her, and your hard times are about you.

My advice would be to either support each other, or don't share your struggles together at all.

Tell her. I've been on both sides .. lucky I have DD now after years of trying. Pregnancy is awful. Fingers crossed for you

Having been through infertility myself, I really get it. It’s endless and completely soul destroying. (I never did get pregnant either, my DH and I eventually adopted, and we now have 2 DDs of 12 and 9.)

What I found out was that pregnancy and babies were impossible to avoid. What I disliked most was when people tiptoed around me, not telling me their news. My DSis did this with my DM. I knew that it must be about her being pregnant and would have much preferred them to spell it out so I could share the good news.

In your shoes, I think I wouldn’t have said anything but would have shared my own infertility struggles. She’s a good friend so if she knows what you’re going through I think she’ll likely realise that she needs to be sensitive about confiding too much in you about her pregnancy struggles.

Honestly I hear this quite a lot, but on the other side pregnancy can and does suck. I've a family member and also a friend who both struggled for years to get pregnant. Both eventually did through IVF. And both had a horrible pregnancy swollen ankles constant nausea back pain you name it. And boy did they complain they said they are delighted it be pregnant but the actual process wasn't fun.
Having a baby is amazing... But growing a baby... Not so much feel this glow ppl talk about is rubbish.
It's awful having infertility problems and my heart goes out to you, but u can't dictate to your friend they can't complain.

I had severe HG in pregnancy for the entire duration. I couldn’t work and was hospitalised multiple times. I lost my job and career. I developed ante-natal and then post-natal depression. For the second pregnancy, I couldn’t adequately care for my existing child.

Both pregnancies were the worst periods of my life to date. I feel I have a duty to speak out about this, especially against the ‘you’re not ill, you’re pregnant’ types of attitudes. For some women, it’s a horrendously process and it needs acknowledgement.

So I can totally see where the friend is coming from. If she knew about the infertility she’d be insensitive in the extreme, but she doesn’t and isn’t a mind reader. We can’t go around hiding our problems and suffering in silence just in case someone else we encounter might have it worse.

@ChocCakeYes

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

It's a tricky one because it's okay for her to complain as in my experience pregnancy sucked and I hated it. But she should be more sensitive when it comes to conversations with you and either not moan or tone it down a lot.

I hope this doesn't get you down too much.

I’ve had HG and I’ve been in tears every day of my pregnancy. It’s been absolutely horrific. I know I’m lucky to be pregnant, and that makes me feel guilty about feeling so desperately hopeless and miserable.

Your struggles are just as painful and all consuming. But your friend isn’t a mind reader. If she knew, she’d probably tone it down when she’s with you (my only socialisation is people visiting me as I’m housebound with my HG).

If you don’t want to talk to her in real life, a text is fine. A good friend will understand. Although your struggles are the opposite of each other, you can support each other.

Good luck with everything

Tbh When she starts again I would simply say

Look Joan, I know you say it’s hard, but enough. I had this all through your first pregnancy and with everything that’s gone on in the last 18 months I can’t cope with it

Please don’t use me as a sounding board, this is something you chose to do

This is so difficult. I completely understand why you feel the way you do. However, I also see it from her point of view. Pregnancy can be tough.

I agree that you need to tell her, by text if this is easier for you. I don't think she's being selfish or ungrateful as some PPs have suggested. I don't have any disabilities but don't spend my entire time thinking about how fortunate I am unless the subject comes up in some way. If something hurts then I will moan about it! This is no different.

If she's a true friend then she will understand and stop speaking about it with you.

I do really think you should tell her.

I think she’s absolutely bang on that women are always being told not to moan, pregnancy struggles are underplayed or sidelined as “private”‘or “embarrassing” :/ “women’s troubles” that shouldn’t be mentioned etc. So that men can carry on oblivious and not have to give any quarters.

But I’m sure she wouldn’t - and shouldn’t - moan to you if she knew your struggles!

Equally women shouldn’t feel embarrassed by infertility or pressured not to mention either.

Fully agree @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

@Chloemol

Tbh When she starts again I would simply say

Look Joan, I know you say it’s hard, but enough. I had this all through your first pregnancy and with everything that’s gone on in the last 18 months I can’t cope with it

Please don’t use me as a sounding board, this is something you chose to do

And ignore this advice, unless you want to end your friendship.

YABU but only because you are expecting her to understand something about you that you haven't actually told her.

Talk to her.

We are going through infertility as well and IVF starting soon.

I have several friends who are pregnant and one who has just recently had her first baby. I am over the moon for them. It is hard to hear my best friend saying how difficult everything is with her adorable, healthy 2-month-old when I am just so envious, but that doesn't mean her struggle isn't valid. The first few months of parenthood are, by all accounts, hell.

As her friend I want to hear about it all and I care about her wellbeing, so I put my own stuff aside and listen. It also gives me an idea of what's coming once I am (hopefully) pregnant.

As my friend she also knows about our infertility and listens when I talk about that, too. I think you might feel better if you share your situation with your friend (if you are close enough and want to).

I also think that going to counselling and talking these things through is always helpful.

You should ask her to avoid talking about it with you. Or just to dial down a little bit. She is being maybe a little insensitive.... Personally I wouldn't go on and on about my pregnancies with someone who struggles with infertility. As I wouldn't go on and on about how lovely DH is with someone widowed

You sound lovely and thoughtful. If your friend is the same she will absolutely understand that you aren’t the right audience for her to share her views about pregnancy with, and she will respect your position. You aren’t at all unreasonable for asking her not to share these views with you.

I'm thinking of texting this to her, as it'll be easier for me to do because I can just put my phone down afterwards and distract myself. Would this be a bad way of doing it?

I was going to suggest you do exactly this OP.

It is not a bad way of doing it and I would totally understand if I received a message like that from a friend. I'd send a reply to thank them for telling me and that I was there if they ever wanted to talk but I wouldn't bring it up if they didn't.

I'd maybe put that in your message too that you'd rather not talk in person about it as it's too hard. If she's a good friend she'll acknowledge the message and then leave it to you if you want to speak about it again.

I have been on both sides and did similar with one of my best friends. She was pregnant at the time and her eldest (who was only 2) was having a birthday party. I'd just had another miscarriage after a long string of them and so I text her explaining. She did already know briefly but I hadn't told her how much I was struggling. I told her I was sorry but I couldn't come to the party and I couldn't meet up right now as I wasn't in the best place to celebrate with her.

She was so understanding. She'd ring me on the phone instead of asking to meet up and we'd chat about everything other than pregnancy and babies. I still love her for that. She never made me feel guilty.

I have a DC now and I was always mindful when pregnant. I would absolutely be the same as my friend if anyone approached me with issues like this.

Yes horrible pregnancies are very hard and your friend needs support in that. But as we all navigate different things in life not all of our friends will be the type of support we need at every single stage. Your friend will have others who are better placed than you to support her in her pregnancy, there's nothing wrong with that and it is okay to be "selfish" in this sense and put your MH first sometimes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I'm heavily pregnant and struggling to walk due to SPD.

My brother and SIL are having fertility struggles and for that reason I'm conscious not to bring up the pregnancy unless they ask, let alone complain.

I'm very aware that I'm lucky and not everybody is, so for that reason I reserve my pregnancy moans for my other half or other pregnant friends.

It is very insensitive of her. Massive hugs to you x

there's no real biological imperative to have a baby (eg, like eating or drinking).

What a stupid thing to say. You might not feel a biological imperative but plenty of people do.

OP, you sound lovely and a very thoughtful and considerate friend.

I went through 10+ years of ttc including various cycles of IVF and know lots about the things that hurt.

I think sharing that you are having problems ttc with your friend and find pregnancy talk hard might be a good idea even if you don't go into details.

The other thing I can suggest from my own experience is a mindset thing which really helped me. I reminded myself that there is not a finite number of babies in the world and that someone else pregnant/with a baby was in no way unfair to me because their baby was theirs and I wanted MY baby. I am not sure if I am explaining this well, but once I adopted that mindset, things became much easier to deal with.

Sending you big unmumsnetty hugs for your own struggles.

YAbu - you need to tell her, she won't know to stop moaning about it in front of you if you don't!

Having done both fertility treatment and difficult, high risk pregnancy, I know that both can be challenging in their own ways. Fertility treatment was incredibly difficult and I found it hard to be honest about how much I was struggling with aspects of my pregnancy because of my previous experiences. Everyone implies that you should just be grateful to be pregnant, which I certainly was, but it can make it difficult when you’re struggling and constantly feel the need to downplay it. I feel a great deal of empathy for both of your situations and I’m not sure either of you are really being unreasonable. Sharing your situation with your friend may be difficult, but if you are able to, you may find that you feel solemn of the weight is lifted and that she becomes a valuable source of support for you. Most importantly, she cannot take your feelings into consideration if she does not know how you feel. Wishing you all the best and I hope things start looking up for you soon.