Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

151 replies

ChocCakeYes · 28/08/2021 10:28

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

OP posts:

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 28/08/2021 10:55

A part of me thinks, has she not considered there's people out there hearing what's she's saying that are in the position I am in and maybe to be a little bit more sensitive about how she says things? Does she really need to he told?

YABU saying this. Infertility must be horrible but does it trump her right to support when she's in pain? People talking about all sorts of maladies could be unknowing 'triggers' to other people.

Original poster

ChocCakeYes · 28/08/2021 10:55

RampantIvy Your message appeared after I had typed out and sent mine, I think this might be what I do.

OP posts:

Lorw · 28/08/2021 10:56

Honestly, been on both sides of this and I’m now very lucky to be pregnant, however I’ve had a horrible pregnancy so far and only half way through, it’s been torturous, it’s completely changed my body in ways I would have never imagined, she is so very wanted and she will be worth every second but even then it makes me cringe at myself because I remember how hard it was for me going through years of infertility and makes me feel like I should just suck it up and not whinge which ofcourse isn’t the case. Pregnancy is hard. Infertility however was way harder, please tell your friend, she would probably be upset at you distancing yourself from her 😞

Also OP big hugs from me

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/08/2021 10:57

No one needs to spread the word about how shit pregnancy can be. This is especially true of those 'celebrities' who think they are an expert on pregnancy/babies/divorce/the menopause just because it happened to them.

I'd either take a step back from her or tell her to change the subject. You need to take care of yourself and this sort of friend usually isn't good for your mental health, they're just too focused on themselves.

StrangeToSee · 28/08/2021 10:57

As she doesn’t know you’re struggling with fertility I don’t think you can blame her. Pregnancy can be a very painful, emotional and traumatic time (I had HG and severe SPD).

Maybe if you let her know you’re TTC she’ll vent to someone else?

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2021 10:58

Tell her! I have miserable pregnancies, if I’m not clear about it everyone assumes I’m fine and I’m not, I can’t meet up for a walk, I can’t cheerfully zoom chat over dinner. So i share. But with my friend who’s had infertility problems I never say anything I don’t have to.

SnottyLottie · 28/08/2021 10:58

If you don’t feel comfortable telling her your own personal problems it might be easier to make a general statement about ‘whilst I understand you are finding pregnancy difficult, you need to be careful who you complain to. There’s a lot of women about who would kill to be in your position and may not appreciate you constantly talking about how much you dislike being pregnant. It’s a sensitive subject”. She might get the hump but it might open her eyes to other people’s feelings.

DanielTigersMummy21 · 28/08/2021 10:59

Her pain and suffering are just as valid as your pain and suffering.

Hopdathelf · 28/08/2021 11:01

YANBU to feel the way you do but YABU to suggest just cutting your friend off with no explanation. I’m sure she’d behave very differently if she was aware your feeling were being hurt by what she says.

Original poster

ChocCakeYes · 28/08/2021 11:02

As I said, I don't want to make her feel bad, that's not the aim here. It's just hard to listen to that's all. And I know IABU and it's something I need to deal with myself.

But I am considering dropping her a text this weekend explaining that I've been trying to conceive for a while and it's not happening and if she minds calming the pregnancy talk around me as I'm a bit fragile about it. Hopefully she understands

OP posts:

FilthyforFirth · 28/08/2021 11:03

In the gentlest way yabu. If she is suffering from HG it is hell on earth and honestly makes some people, myself included, suicidal. I sworeI wouldnt have another after my first but 3.5 years later I did. The 2nd one was just as bad with hospitalisations and time away from mg eldest.

I am not saying it is worse than infertility, at all, but for some people being pregnant is truly horrendous.

RampantIvy · 28/08/2021 11:03

Good luck. If she is a good friend she will understand.

LolaButt · 28/08/2021 11:04

If she’s a good friend, she will likely be mortified that she’s unknowingly made you feel this way.

I agree that you should tell her, but telling her not to talk about her pregnancy or her negative experiences is a bit much imo at this stage.

If you tell her about your struggles, it gives her the opportunity to moderate her conversation. If you go straight to “don’t mention any of it to me” you sound unreasonable.

justlonelystars · 28/08/2021 11:05

YABU. I was told I couldn’t conceive naturally so have been on the infertility side of things. I did conceive naturally and I HATED everything about pregnancy. It was the most miserable time of my life. I have a friend struggling with infertility and I was open about my own struggles as she asked me whether pregnancy was difficult or not but didn’t whinge about it. Other people got to hear my nearly constant whinging though! I honestly can’t begin to tell you how horrific it truly was, and I felt guilty for feeling that way due to my “miracle” pregnancy.
If you haven’t told your friend about your struggles, then she isn’t to know and can’t adjust her behaviour accordingly. Moaning about how difficult pregnancy is is entirely justifiable IMO.

Balonzette · 28/08/2021 11:06

Either be honest with her and ask her not to discuss it around you, or avoid her until baby is born.

Holly60 · 28/08/2021 11:08

I also think it’s a bit unfair of you to expect her to be sensitive to a situation she has no clue about. I actually think she has an excellent point about how hard pregnancy is, but of course she shouldn’t be moaning to someone who is struggling to get pregnant.

You need to tell her what is going on with you and go from there I think

YeOldeTrout · 28/08/2021 11:11

Are you sure Friend is not being a Drama Queen about it?

I only ask because OP didn't give specifics beyond "she hates it."
Nothing specific about what is so difficult.

People can quite dislike pregnancy but actually still have a relatively easy pregnancy, it just didn't meet their expectations or ... something. Some people become extra self-obsessed during pregnancy and every development is a news flash.

HeronLanyon · 28/08/2021 11:12

So sorry you are struggling with this.
Reading your posts I struck by the fact she’s a close friend and has been for some time. No doubt she’d be very upset if she knew that her talking to you about her struggles with being oregnant were so difficult for you to hear. She has no idea of this so it would be such a shame to distance yourself from her surely ?
Isn’t she maybe one of the few people you might feel you would want to talk to about your own struggles ? Not just to deal with her upsetting you but also for you to have support from a close friend ? I know her support won’t come from a place of being in the same situation but nor is yours for her Re her pregnancy difficulties.
Support op b

godmum56 · 28/08/2021 11:13

@Disfordarkchocolate

why not? from what the OP has said, i don't think that her friend considers herself an expert, just she is saying that she is struggling....and aren't friends the ones who listen when you are struggling? Not saying that the OP is in the wrong here, but if her friend doesn't know that she is having problems conceiving, how would she know she needs to be sensitive?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 11:14

I can sympathise that you find it difficult but she doesn’t know about your infertility and you have to ask yourself if it was the case that “she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless” for any reason other than pregnancy if you’d still be unsympathetic? Probably not so the reason is immaterial.

I had my own struggles, not infertility but many miscarriages, and it was shit watching people conceive at the drop of a hat and happily take a baby home 9 months later free of crippling anxiety about bad scans and the general horror of loss and the constant fear of it. But my friends knew about it, I trust them and share things with them, and I didn’t want anyone else’s baby, I wanted my own.

RisingSunn · 28/08/2021 11:15

She doesn’t know what you are going through. So has absolutely no idea how it’s making you feel. Maybe don’t go into details; but like others have said, mention it’s a sensitive subject?

If she is a good friend, please don’t avoid her. Give her a chance to understand how it’s affecting you and adjust her behaviour.

daisychain01 · 28/08/2021 11:16

@ChocCakeYes

As I said, I don't want to make her feel bad, that's not the aim here. It's just hard to listen to that's all. And I know IABU and it's something I need to deal with myself.

That's a perfect message, it's factual and it tells her that you're struggling. If I was your friend I'd get that message loud and clear without any offence and it would make me want to be there for you as well as asking for your morale support. If you've known each other for years, it's about as honest as you can get!

AngeloMysterioso · 28/08/2021 11:16

Quite Frankly, she should feel embarrassed. She sounds monstrously ungrateful and needs to give her head a wobble.

Monstrously ungrateful?? Are you serious?! So women who are hospitalised with HG or end up in a wheelchair because of SPD should STFU and not complain because “at least you can get pregnant”?? Piss off.

Her pain and suffering are just as valid as your pain and suffering.

Precisely.

daisychain01 · 28/08/2021 11:18

Caveat: if she doesn't get the message and keeps going on, I would definite give her some space, your MH is just as important as hers and it's energy-sapping to be regaled with someone else's issues on a regular basis,

Haiyaa · 28/08/2021 11:18

I’ve put YABU but only because your friend doesn’t know your situation. Yes pregnancy is amazing but it can also be shit, it’s a very confusing time, so she probably does want to talk about it - but if I had a friend struggling with infertility I would naturally keep a lid on it as I know for that person, they would happily take all the shit to be in my position.

It’s a tricky one but honestly if she is as good a friend as you say, I would probably just tell her and if you don’t want to do more than tell her (I.e. you don’t want to spend hours talking about it) then just say that too. I hope you get your BFP soon.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread