Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

[ChocCakeYes]

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

But I am considering dropping her a text this weekend explaining that I've been trying to conceive for a while and it's not happening and if she minds calming the pregnancy talk around me as I'm a bit fragile about it. Hopefully she understands

That message is worded well in my opinion, you are not banning her from talking but asking her to tone it down, and explaining your situation without having to disclose too much beyond what you feel able to share.

Do be prepared if she asks you about your struggles, with a ready answer like I find it too difficult to talk about so please can you respect that I’d prefer to talk about something else.

I do agree with her that there's an expectation from pregnant women to be happy all the time even though it can be a very hard time physically and mentally, and that that pressure shouldn't be there. This is partly why I am reluctant to say anything as I see why she is speaking about it and I think she should continue to challenge the norm and I agree with her. I just can't help feeling crap listening to it sometimes considering my situation and there are points where I'm struggling and I personally don't want to hear it at that point. I'm not sure if that makes me a hypocrite or a bad person, maybe it does.

There a couple people questioning if it's really as bad as she's making out. I'm not really here to question her on that. If she's struggling she's struggling. I know she had horrible pelvic girdle pain which restricts her movement the first time round, depression, anemia which would lead to her passing out, and cholestasis nearer the end. She also is a business owner and puts a lot of pressure on herself to continue with that at the same pace she was before pregnancy. So it's just all round a difficult time for her. I don't doubt that it is, it's just sometimes I struggle to listen to it without it affecting me.

It's a tough situation that I can completely relate to (many years of infertility, 3 rounds of ivf). I had a "friend" who used to moan to me about her pregnancies even though she was fully aware of my situation. We weren't even close friends! But I opened up to her about my situation thinking it would make her vent her troubles elsewhere. It didn't! In the end I was quite Frank with her and said I would give anything to experience these troubles she moaned about. She was rather vile back and said a mutual friend of ours (who had had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons pre any children) would feel worse than me so I should suck it up. So unfortunately in my experience people who want to moan about their pregnancy don't really give a shit if you are struggling or not, they think their problems are more important.

Having said all that, our last round of treatment was successful thankfully and I'm finding the late stages very hard. I've sobbed to my husband about it this morning and how utterly guilty I feel!!!! I wouldn't voice these feelings to anyone else because I know how much I would have hated to hear it.

Either way, if you are feeling up to it, I would try and tell your friend about your struggles.

The way you’re feeling is totally understandable. I think a carefully worded text message is probably the best way forward.

I struggled for 3 years to have my son, and I felt horrible when I felt uncharitably towards people who seemed to fall pregnant so easily. I was determined that when/if I ever managed to stay pregnant, I would not complain.
And then I got hyperemesis while I was pregnant with my son. So while I was aware that I was hugely lucky to be pregnant, I was also suffering every day for much of my pregnancy.

Wishing you the best, OP.

If she's sharing that level of detail with you then she probably would expect you to share a lot of detail about how any infertility (hopefully just delayed fertility?) is affecting you. I want to encourage you to give her a chance to be supportive in return.

SPD always sounded like a potential nightmare, so glad I didn't have it.

@ChocCakeYes

Should I distance myself from her? Is that an awful thing to do? We've been friends for a long time.

I understand the correct thing to do would to be to open up about my struggles to her and hope she understands and calms down the complaining to me. But I honestly can't even comprehend doing that at the moment. Maybe I'm a bit of a coward but I feel like I'm not there yet.

Honestly I think you are confusing letting her know that this is a sensitive topic for you with "opening up". You don't have to spill the contents of your heart. Just quietly tell her one time that pregnancy is a bit of a sensitive topic for you as you're having struggles. You're not in a place to talk about it yet, but will let her know if you ever need a sympathetic ear. And in the meantime you just wanted to let her know because whilst you empathise and she has done nothing wrong, it is hard for you to hear. Like you've told us. No details, just the basic facts. Then move the conversation on. If she tries to discuss it further just politely say you really are not in a place to talk about it yet If shes a good friend, she will understand, respect your privacy and dial down the pregnancy complaints when in your company I'm also sorry to hear about your struggles, and I'm sure your friend would not want to be intentionally hurting you if she knew

Oh and I saw someone mentiom sending a "carefully worded text nessage". I would NOT do that. Sure fire way to get the communication understood wrong and for her to feel like you're attacking her. Just mention it when she next talks about it on your company. Then you can also have a little hug for good measure (covid safety and comfort permitting- or any other other of affection you can't show via text. A smile)

It must be infuriating. Annoying enough for folk that do get pregnant listening to all the moaning minnies. I don't mean people with serious problems but just general moaning about minor stuff. If its upsetting you just stop contact with her.

This has hit a bit of a nerve with me because I'm currently pregnant and it's been horrific.

However, I don't talk about it because of situations like yours, and because of idiots saying I should just be "grateful". So I've kept my suicidal feelings to myself. I've hidden away when I've needed to cry. I've detached myself from friends so they don't notice just how poorly (mentally and physically) I am.

I've suffered with HG and PGP and I can hardly walk some days. I've gone from being independent to needing my husband to help put my socks on.

But yeah, your suffering is so much worse...

@AnonymousCheerleader I'm absolutely not saying you or she shouldn't talk about it. I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time I really am. Is there anyone you can turn to at all? Even with all my infertility struggles if my friend turned to me and told me her pregnancy was making her feel suicidal I'd be round hers sleeping on her bedroom floor if she let me. I really don't want to make her feel like crap. Could you suggest a way I could communicate my issues with her without making her feel worse than she currently is?

I couldn't read and "run". I was TTC for many years (10) before my +ve. I was then dreadfully ill during the pregnancy. I kept thinking I would glow, be dancing through a field full of daisies - you get the picture. Instead I spent nearly 7 months in bed.

Please don't think you are being, even slightly, unreasonable, in finding your friend's views hard to hear. Of course they are. You're human. In your situation (and I was, a couple of times), I told my friend what was happening, just the bare facts, and said that I found her complaints difficult to hear. I then changed the subject. No drama, no emotion (or at least as little as I could muster, given I was prone to tears most days), just the facts. They understood and toned down their comments. We are still friends.

You are not unreasonable. Neither is she. But things won't change if you don't tell her. Text her if necessary. And I truly wish you all the luck in the world in having your longed for baby.

To be fair I am one of those who will moan about the symptoms of being pregnant; I’m in pain, very uncomfortable, almost always nauseous and anaemic so have low energy. I would rather my DP carry our children if I had a choice or at least one each but that’s not biologically possible.

I’m sorry you’re having fertility issues, I can’t imagine what that is like, very tough. I would definitely want to know if I was upsetting my friend though, please tell her.

It may help to frame it differently though, I don’t necessarily want to be ‘pregnant’ not many actually want to be ‘pregnant’ we want a baby/child/expand the family and the route to that almost always includes the woman becoming pregnant. Being pregnant is step one in what is a huge life change, everything that comes after still exists so it’s fine to hate/not enjoy/wish the 9m away if it’s making life awful.

Reading any board/group of pregnant women close to due date and they are almost invariably trying to get the baby out, it’s rare to enjoy every second of pregnancy, we want the baby/child not the massive belly.. right?

YANBU to feel like this. It took us 4 years, a MMC and ICSI to get our little boy and it hurt every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant woman or the birth of a new baby.
But there was this woman at work who would complain every single time she entered the staff room, really loudly, for everyone to hear. Her back, not sleeping, her bladder. It got to the stage where I walked out when she walked in. I avoided her like the plague because I needed to do that for my own mental health.

Because this is your friend, I'd really recommend telling your friend you're struggling so she can be more sensitive. She doesn't know you're struggling so won't know she's hitting a raw nerve. If you're not prepared to do that then yes, I think distancing yourself from her is the only option. My friend had 2 children in the space between my miscarriage and having my son, she knew of our struggles so she would only talk about her pregnancy when we asked and I actually found because she was sensitive to us, that I wasn't upset when she discussed her pregnancy, and we are very close to her children.
However, I met up with another friend who knew and she still decided to spend the majority of the evening discussing her labour, her back pain, how awful pregnancy was (knowing I had had a MMC 9 months previous and were struggling to get pregnant again). Her son was 5, so not exactly a baby anymore. She then proceeded to tell me that when we are abroad for her wedding, we will get pregnant cause we will be "relaxed". I haven't met up with her since. Now I have my little boy, I'd likely be OK seeing her again but I had to distance myself for my own sanity.

Sorry you're going through this, op. Infertility is such a bitch and there's nothing I can say to make you feel better. Do what you need to to protect yourself

It’s tough, I know. I’ve been there. But she doesn’t know you are struggling. I wish you all the best.

Thank you everyone for the understanding and the kind messages. I'm sorry to hear about all the difficult pregnancies and I agree this blissful image of pregnancy can be far from the realities.

@FTEngineerM that's a great way of thinking about it actually. Even I, who would love to be pregnant, would rather skip the pregnant part and go straight having a baby . Maybe my friend has skewed it a little bit but pregnancy does sound in general pretty awful.

If it is that bad for her & do hope that there is help available.

I think someone constantly complaning about a situation can be very wearing.

Who does she thonk she is "making aware" if she is telling the same people the same things?

Both of these positions has their difficulties. One doesn't trump the other. I say this as a person who had a series of miscarriages, no live births. I was once told "at least you don't have to change nappies". This wasn't close friend of mine. I thought she was thoughtless in saying this and I didn't want to be close friends with someone that thoughtless so I never saw her again, but having babies is hard too and she totally had a right to complain about that. I had a friend who had twins and was so frequently changing nappies that she developed an infection on her hand, when I asked about she said she thought it was because of dealing with poo all the time. It's hard too.

Send the message then see how she reacts. If she continues to moan then distance yourself. If she says she's sorry about what you're going through and is more sensitive now, opens up to a different audience when she really needs to offload re pregnancy then there could still be a friendship.

I have encountered people who know about infertility and still complain about pregnancy, to the ones struggling, they are not worth spending time with as it will just make you feel worse.

Op I think you've got to do what's best for you, if she's impacting your mental health, then you do need to take a step back from her.

Yanbu and give had fertility issues and it's awful, goodness knows how hard it must be with a friend like this. But even without fertility issues I still think someone like that would get in my tits. Why do it a second time if she feels it's so bad she has to warn people. She sounds a bit self centred and an attention seeker to me.

@Ibizan "Quite Frankly, she should feel embarrassed. She sounds monstrously ungrateful and needs to give her head a wobble.

There are plenty of ways of saying pregnancy is physically hard without being a total drama llama."

How insensitive and judgemental of you. Maybe you should give your head a wobble!

YANBU for being upset - nobody can help the way they feel, and I know how much it must hurt to hear her complaining about exactly what you wish you could have for yourself.

However. You can't minimise someone else's suffering, just because of your own situation. If by some miracle you did get pregnant, you might find pregnancy really miserable. You might get every problem under the sun with it - and when faced with that, I'm sure you would complain about it too. It's the baby that you want, not the pregnancy. The pregnancy, and all it brings with it, is a means to an end .. and lots of women struggle massively with it.

YABU for not supporting your friend.

I’ve been there. Best to tell her gently that you’re struggling to conceive so feel a mix of things as well as sympathy when she talks about her difficulties.

I don't find the situations comparable.

At the end of a pregnancy (however awful it may be) you should have a baby. It's also limited to 8 months as you're at least 4 weeks when you find out. I say this as someone who has suffered awful first trimesters and was diagnosed with conditions potentially fatal to the baby in the third trimester. I hated most of my pregnancy and the worry that things may go wrong didn't stop until baby was here. I moaned to my husband but not to friends.

Struggling with infertility is different, where's the end date? It's eternally hoping that one day you will be pregnant without knowing if it'll ever happen.

It's really hard isn't it. I'm having IVF and had a miscarriage recently, but my sibling continually moans about their children to me, even though they know what I'm going through.

Unfortunately I don't think that anyone can understand the grief of infertility if they haven't experienced it. YANBU or a bad friend to tell her that you are having struggles and can't listen to her pregnancy concerns. I have a friend who is pregnant and she doesn't moan about her terrible sickness to me, as she understands that I'm not the right person.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I told you it hit a nerve! I just wanted to explain that there's more to it than just hating being pregnant. I feel like there is a constant dark cloud overshadowing everything at the moment and it's horrible.

I think you just need to be honest. I'd be mortified and so upset if a friend felt they couldn't open up to me about this. And if she's a friend, she will take your feelings into consideration and if she doesn't she's a dick. But, I don't think it's fair to distance yourself without talking to her first. She doesn't know what you're going through.

I hope you do get your baby. I'm sorry you're going through this.