Hearing someone complain about pregnancy when you're struggling with infertility

[ChocCakeYes]

I feel like IABU but this is a hard one.

I'm struggling with infertility and have done for a couple of years. I have a friend who got pregnant a couple years back and constantly complained about how hard it is, how she hates being pregnant, how she feels like she loses herself, how she's in pain all the time, how she feels ill, how she can't keep up with her job, how she feels useless. She always said she is grateful for being pregnant but just cannot stand pregnancy. She said she feels she has to actively speak out about how terrible pregnancy is for awareness because no one speaks about it. I sympathised with her as I know pregnancy can be horrific for some people. She swore a number of times after having her child that she would never get pregnant again as she hates being pregnant so much.

Fast forward a couple of years, she's pregnant again, and back to complaining about how much she despises pregnancy and crying that she hates it so much.

So, obviously this is a difficult one for me as I'd love to be pregnant. She doesn't know I'm struggling with infertility as it's a very personal emotional thing for me and I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet. I know IABU but a part of me wants to tell her to shut the f up. Obviously I'm not going to do that. It's just hard to listen to. A part of me wants to cut her off for my own mental health but that also seems very selfish as she obviously needs support through her difficult pregnancy.

Just wondering the best way to process my resentment as obviously me struggling to have a child is not her fault Any tips?

@AnonymousCheerleader after reading your post and others I agree that it's unfair to distance myself from a friend who is clearly struggling.

I'm hoping to pluck up the courage in the next few days to text her. It's not telling her I'm worried about, it's more being faced with the conversation in-person that I feel like I can't deal with at the moment. I'll be dreading every time I see her she'll spark up a conversation about it, but I'm hoping she understands. I also don't want her to stop confiding in me altogether, just that that's certain days I'm feeling weaker than others where it affects me quite badly and I'd rather not speak speak about it.

I really hope things ease for you soon AnonymousCheerleader and you have at least one person to talk to. It must be horrible going through it on your own

From someone who has been there (and then also experienced an awful and terrifying pregnancy) I think you have 2 options. You either tell her what you're going through and explain it's so hard to talk about other peoples pregnancies etc (and we didn't tell anyone, so i totally get the want for privacy) or you distance yourself from her for a while. I always found it was much better once they'd had the baby. Pregnancy was definitely harder to deal with.

Wishing you all the luck with conceiving.

I would say look some people can’t get pregnant so be grateful you can!
You don’t have to tell her about your problems, it does hurt I’ve been there myself…

I also don't think you'd be selfish to distance yourself. Unless you're the only person she has of course.

It's about self preservation

I feel for you and hope you become pregnant at some point.Infertility is a hard one to deal with I think . Can you maybe see a little less of your friend ,not cut her off completely ,but maybe just take a step back .If you dont feel you want to share your Infertility issues with anyone ATM that up to you ,dont feel pressurised .

I would say look some people can’t get pregnant so be grateful you can!

Sure, say that… if you want to be a complete dick.

@Chickychickydodah

I would say look some people can’t get pregnant so be grateful you can! You don’t have to tell her about your problems, it does hurt I’ve been there myself…

Do not fucking say this!

This would end the friendship if I was talking to a friend about my struggles and they said that.

Her moaning is nothing personal against you, she’s suffering in a different way to you, although I appreciate how difficult it must be for you.

It's difficult but pregnancy can be very hard for some. Plus people complain about their bodies but some are physically disabled, people complain about their homes but others are homeless.

Ive been on both sides, 10 years IVF & MC’s. Difficult pregnancy.

You really are lovely OP, I know how hard it is to listen while your heart is aching.

As said, you need to let her know. She may well be horrified that she’s been offloading to you in detail.

I found that to cope I needed to be kind to myself. At times, I’d withdraw a bit and just tell my friends that I had a few bits on that I was struggling with.

I’m sorry your struggling with infertility. I was that moaning pregnant woman probably albeit more to my partner/family. I think the only way to solves this is either communication with your friend or distancing yourself for a while.

Whilst I have great empathy for you, life is so full
of opposing opinions and feelings, communication is key for everyone to try and understand people better

@Nooproblemoo

I don't find the situations comparable.

At the end of a pregnancy (however awful it may be) you should have a baby. It's also limited to 8 months as you're at least 4 weeks when you find out. I say this as someone who has suffered awful first trimesters and was diagnosed with conditions potentially fatal to the baby in the third trimester. I hated most of my pregnancy and the worry that things may go wrong didn't stop until baby was here. I moaned to my husband but not to friends.

Struggling with infertility is different, where's the end date? It's eternally hoping that one day you will be pregnant without knowing if it'll ever happen.

Me neither. They're not comparable.

Infertility isn't longing for the mental or physical pain and suffering she's dealing with, and as PP say, the baby will come at the end of it, which I'm sure she'll talk about to you too.

Yes it's a sensitive and complex topic overall, but in the specific scenario of moaning about being uncomfortable, she's not actually getting something that you're missing out on!

Yes it only lasts a few months for the friend, but also for anyone listening to her complain. If it's worse than she expected or normal, she's entitled to talk about it just like an illness or other difficult circumstance.

If her relationship is strained with her partner, should she shut up because you're unhappily single? If her boss is bullying her, should she put up with it because you weren't promoted and don't earn as much?

I felt rank throughout my pregnancy and I couldn't tell my best friend because she was struggling with fertility issues and it was so isolating.

My husband was taking all of my moans and groans and it really dragged him down that I wouldn't just go and moan to someone else.

So after a certain point my only option was to just stay quiet and hide in myself.

I can see your friends point of view, and I can see yours too.

I think this is one of those situations where no one wins.

You either accept your feelings will be hurt to protect hers, or hers will be hurt to protect yours.

Perhaps distance is what's best for you both.

Ultimately though you need to consider whether you're still going to feel hurt when her baby arrives, and whether you'll feel envy, or any negativity or resentment, because that's the next chapter of her life. And there are a lot of complaints that will come with that too.

Or do you think you can resolve the hurt inside you to enable you to continue being a part of this friends life?

It’s so hard. I’ve been there. I miscarried and then my daughter was stillborn so hearing people moan about pregnancy/babies was so so hard. I didn’t think they had a right as they were so lucky having a healthy baby. Then I got pregnant again so I was the one moaning about a difficult pregnancy and then lack of sleep/newborn stuff. So I’ve been on both sides.
After my losses I tended to shut myself off from pregnant people and was honest as to why and they understood. I think honesty is best as you’re going through a difficult time.
Regarding the fertility issues, I couldn’t conceive after my daughter as wasn’t ovulating. I hounded my consultant and found that worked and ended up with clomid which thankfully worked for us. Get hounding a consultant if you can. Sending love to you xxx

Neither of you ABU. She doesn't know about your fertility issues so wouldn't know she's being insensitive. YANBU for feeling this way either, I've been through infertility and it's painful and lonely. I eventually did get pregnant and found the first 15 weeks horrendous, I felt I shouldn't complain, I was so incredibly grateful for being pregnant but I also felt rotten and I hadn't expected it to be like that.
What I would say though is that if you are of an age where ttc would seem quite likely and in a long term relationship she should probably be a little more aware that you could be ttc and therefore be a little more sensitive, however, this may just be coming from my own experiences because I'd be aware that everyone's fertility journey is not as straightforward as it might seem.
I hope that you get pregnant soon, I know how absolutely shit it is when you're struggling ttc

@DanielTigersMummy21

Her pain and suffering are just as valid as your pain and suffering.

I don't know. Someone whinging on relentlessly is tiresome. No matter what it is

FWIW you don’t sound like a bad friend, you’re just struggling with your infertility and trying to find a way round this. I’d tell her. She isn’t doing anything wrong by talking about her pregnancy struggles. Pregnancy can be difficult and I can’t believe there are posters on here telling pregnant women to shut up! Antenatal depression is a real thing, so they can fuck off.

I think texting is the way to go too. I have had a difficult pregnancy and have been ttc for number two for 3 1/2 years including lots of failed ivf. I am just honest with people but it's fair enough if you don't want to share everything. It seems your options are 1) carry on supporting her at great cost to yourself 2) distance yourself or c) let her know you're struggling with infertility and can't handle all the pregnancy talk at the moment.

Should I distance myself from her? Is that an awful thing to do? We've been friends for a long time.

Depends whether you care about the friendship. Imagine the post your friend might make. I’m pregnant and finding it really tough. One of my closest friends has basically dumped me. Aibu for thinking she just doesn’t care about me now I’m pregnant?

While I was going through ivf and losses my close friend was pregnant and I just had to distance myself for my own mental health. You have to look after you. I told my friend how I felt and she was completely understanding. After my first child I look back at how insensitive I was ( and other friends) talking about my pregnancy etc to one of our friends with fertility issues. It was literally just having zero awareness of what that might feel like. I look back and squirm at how insensitive I probably was.
She needs to know as friendship is a two way street - you should be able to express your feelings as much as she expresses hers.
I’m sure she has other friends and family she can talk about her pregnancy with and dial it down with you. If not then I’d step back for your own mh.

I had to unfriend some people on fb for this very reason...had secondary infertility and would have given my right arm for a 2nd child so listening to people moaning really upset me.
I hope your dreams come true soon op x

@Milkbottlelegs

Should I distance myself from her? Is that an awful thing to do? We've been friends for a long time.

Depends whether you care about the friendship. Imagine the post your friend might make. I’m pregnant and finding it really tough. One of my closest friends has basically dumped me. Aibu for thinking she just doesn’t care about me now I’m pregnant?

These threads come up all the time and most posters are sympathetic to the fact that someone struggling with infertility isn’t the best person to support a friend through a pregnancy.

@PurpleDaisies

But the friend doesn't know the OP is struggling with infertility.

“Name, sorry to text but it seems the most straightforward way. I understand that you’re finding your pregnancy v difficult but I’m unfortunately not the right person to support you through that. I know I haven’t said anything but Jack* and I have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive for x years now so I find other women’s pregnancies very hard emotionally. I know it’s st the forefront of your mind (understandably!) but knowing us there’s lots of other things we can catch up about when we meet. Shout if any questions - it’s not a taboo subject for me but at this point I felt I had to tell you.”

Or something.

Some of the responses are unbelievable.

I struggled with infertility, and did 10 IVFs over 7 years, with 2 miscarriages, and finally my twins.
When I was pregnant, I would NEVER moan about it to someone who didn't have kids. Maybe the person is happily child free, or maybe they are also going through an infertility struggle. Someone with any kind of empathy or self-awareness should be aware there is a chance a child free person could be struggling with infertility, and not moan to them.