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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this childcare?

143 replies

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 09:01

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 28/08/2021 09:02

Is this a joke. She wants to work full time whilst expecting you and your partner to look after her child full time? No way would I ever agree to this.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/08/2021 09:04

What your parents do is up to them. But you don't need to look after a toddler two days a week if you don't want to.

pinkyredrose · 28/08/2021 09:04

You could work full time if you wanted?

violetbunny · 28/08/2021 09:06

You're exactly right, you'd be subsidising her. Presumably you work part time for some kind of benefit, otherwise you'd go back to work and earn more. Why should she be the one who gets the benefit?

JingleCatJingle · 28/08/2021 09:06

She and her partner need to pay for their own childcare. Getting parents to help is a privilege and not a right.

You can say ‘I’m sorry, this doesn’t work for me’.

Hohofortherobbers · 28/08/2021 09:07

Goodness no, I would not be giving childcare on my only 2 days off whilst my children were at school. It might be different if I still had a preschooler at home, but still a huge ask

Rainbowshine · 28/08/2021 09:07

“That’s not going to work for me. We agreed to the occasional day helping each other out not an ongoing arrangement like you’re describing. No can do. Hope you find some childcare soon.”

AlexaShutUp · 28/08/2021 09:07

Just say no, you're under no obligation.

If you think that it will be a bit much for your DPs to juggle your kids and her baby, maybe you should organise alternative care for yours now so that your dsis can benefit from the same support that you had without overburdening them?

phishy · 28/08/2021 09:09

@pinkyredrose

You could work full time if you wanted?
Why should she?
user1471457751 · 28/08/2021 09:10

So she's spent her mat leave doing school runs for you, did that include childcare at either end of the school day?
Perhaps offer a half day a week for a year so that it evens out what she's done for you.

phishy · 28/08/2021 09:10

YANBU, sounds like your sister may have been sly, and offered reciprocal child care envisaging this scenario,

Definitely say no. You work p/t to care dor your own kids, not to allow Dsis to have an extension.

PicaK · 28/08/2021 09:11

How much has "helped with the school run" involved?
But you'd offered to have her baby all day in return for her picking yours up from school.
Just say youve realised you need the downtime from the days off when your kid's in school and so you don't want the full responsibility. You'll always help out in an emergency and babysit for date nights etc but she needs to find childcare because you can't commit.

MargosKaftan · 28/08/2021 09:13

"Hi sister, im sorry but I'm not going to have your baby for my 2 non-work days. I've looked at possibly changing my hours as my kids are at school, but decided as a family it worth us losing the money from those 2 days to gain the weekend time because I use that time to get all the family admin done and use that as my "me time" so weekends are just for our kids. If I have your child on those days, our family will lose the money from those 2 days with no benefit for us, it would be easy to do all my jobs with a baby, but within a few months your child will be a toddler running about and needing dedicated attention."

If she offers to pay you say no, you'd rather keep the time for yourself and she can pay a childminder. You don't want to work those days, you want the time for yourself and your family.

Be prepared for your parents being difficult about picking up your dcs on the days you work, you might have to start factoring in paid before and after school care.

Tiana4 · 28/08/2021 09:15

@Rainbowshine

“That’s not going to work for me. We agreed to the occasional day helping each other out not an ongoing arrangement like you’re describing. No can do. Hope you find some childcare soon.”
This ^^

It would ruin all your 2 days non working. It's exhausting looking after babies and pres schoolers , you won't have time to rest and run errands /do housework to keep your weekends with DH and your DCs clear for family time, and will be constantly behind snd tired from clearing up your house after baby/toddler wrecking snd caring for baby. Nobody would think this is a reasonable request. You didn't go part time to subsidise your Dsus but to help your own nuclear family of DCs and DH. Don't make your life harder . Yanbu to say no.
"Helping each other out equally and sometimes " is not the same as providing free childcare to someone else's baby half the week and is to your detriment. DGPs can choose to as it means they get lots of time with beloved DGCs but that's different relationship.

FawnFrenchieMum · 28/08/2021 09:16

I’d probably offer to do one day (as you’ve said you want to see her child) but say you need your other day off to keep on top of the house / errands etc.
I don’t think you can worry about your parents unless you want to find other care for your children. It’s not fair to say it was a pleasure for them to have your children but too much for them to have your sisters.

bigbaggyeyes · 28/08/2021 09:16

Having someone's dc on a regular basis so they can work is a very long way away from helping out the odd time. It's a big responsibility.

' This doesn't work for me, happy to help out now and again in an emergency , but I can't commit to a regular/weekly arrangement '

Tiana4 · 28/08/2021 09:21

Why
I’d probably offer to do one day (as you’ve said you want to see her child)

She can see the baby for a few hours to help out on occ babysitting so that Dsis & her DP can have the odd night out together which is a great help.

There will be plenty of time in the future to help out with the odd school run or inset day for her sis and their child.

BUT committing every week to having a baby on her only 2 days off a week would be madness . And it would be a harder going in school holidays too when Op wants to take her DCs out to beach or theme parks or any outing. It's hard enough when it's your own baby and you have 3DCs. Don't do it!

MargosKaftan · 28/08/2021 09:22

Its worth thinking that in a few months, your DN will be an active toddler and less portable. After school activities are gearing back up this school year, it would be really annoying to have to either say no to your dcs doing an after school activity as you can't take dn with you, or having to try to entertain a tired and bored toddler when you are watching your dcs do an activity.

Your family have sacrificed the money from those 2 days for a reason.

Tiana4 · 28/08/2021 09:22

Or committing to have DSis baby one day a week is also madness. I forgot to write that? Why do PPs think you have to respond to a CF feee childcare request by compromising and suggesting they do half, when it isn't what OP wants to do!! ??!!

dontstealmymagnolias · 28/08/2021 09:23

I voted YABU because of your attitude. You were fine with being 'subsidised' by your parents, ILs and sister, but you don't want to pay it back? I think you are totally NBU to not want to do the two days, but your attitude is all wrong.

NerrSnerr · 28/08/2021 09:26

How much actually childcare is the school run? Is it just 20 minutes a day with no childcare afterwards or are they having the children until the end of the school day?

ThreeFlowers · 28/08/2021 09:28

No way, don’t do it. You are a mum with your own family and work commitments, not a grandparent - both very different things. Tell her to find and pay for a childminder/nursery.

Tiana4 · 28/08/2021 09:29

You were fine with being 'subsidised' by your parents, ILs and sister, but you don't want to pay it back?

Silly post

OP didn't say she wouldn't help out, but she's not doing full on one or two days free childcare every week for her DSis. It's the DGPs hers and sometimes DHs who have done most of the helping her. Dsus will benefit sane from their baby's own DGPs. .OP can help out later on with the odd school run & babysitting evening when it suits. It will all even out in the end.

A few months of help when someone is on mat leave (that DSis chose to do) does not equate) anywhere near to almost five years of 2 days childcare every week !!!

lanthanum · 28/08/2021 09:37

There's a world of difference between some reciprocal childcare and a regular commitment two days a week. I know someone who offered the latter to her sister, and after a while couldn't wait for him to go to nursery, because it was so tying (even with a pre-schooler of her own, as there are things you can do with one that are much harder with two in tow).

The idea of offering to make alternative arrangements for your kids' school runs on a couple of days sounds a good idea, so that your parents can prioritise helping Dsis for a while, although I suspect they'd still want to do some of them.

dontstealmymagnolias · 28/08/2021 09:37

Tiana it isn't a silly post. The issue isn't OP not wanting to help out, it's the way she's looking at it. Her dps/ILs gave her free childcare, which she refers to as "family help". She is referring to her sisters help as "subsidising". She doesn't even want her own parents to help out either, it was good enough for her but seemingly her sister is not as deserving of the help!