Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this childcare?

143 replies

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 09:01

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

OP posts:
BlackShadowCat · 28/08/2021 16:56

I think it's crazy advice for the OP to tell her parents that they are to do school pick-ups anymore. I don't see how that helps anyone. By all means talk to them and ask them how they feel about it and let them know that it they ever want to stop doing it, then it's really no problem, but they may genuinely really enjoy and value this time with their grandkids. I would also reassure them that you will support them with whatever they decide to do with your sister. If they want to help with childcare or if they feel it's too much. At the end of the day, it's their choice. They are adults.

coconutpie · 28/08/2021 16:59

You would be crazy to even offer to do one day. Your dsis needs to pay for nursery or a childminder.

Mary46 · 28/08/2021 17:01

Will really tie you op.. no. Just say you hoping take on more hours work kids are older (paid work). I prefer to be independent no fights that way

ponyexpress22 · 28/08/2021 17:55

As if you'd want to use your 2 days off committed to childcare. She should understand why you wouldn't want to do that. So cheeky of her.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 18:04

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family in order for your sister to get free childcare. I would expect our own family to benefit from your reduced hours or for you to work full time.
I have to agree with this. If you're willing to lose on of your 'free' days each week do it in a way that'll benefit your family unit.

Imagine in 2 years time, kids are off school for the holidays, you're providing care for DN and decide to have a day out.

You pay entry for yourself, your kids, your DN, as well as lunches etc for everyone. Easily a £100 day for the 4 of you.

MattyGroves · 28/08/2021 18:08

I really wouldn't even do a day a week. It will be a huge pain and she won't be grateful, you can tell that from how casual she was about asking.

If you do do it, discuss in advance things like illness, appointments, holidays, who covers costs and things like meals

MattyGroves · 28/08/2021 18:11

And also timings - 9-5 or is she expecting 7-7?

WildfirePonie · 28/08/2021 19:35

You'll regret doing even one day. Tied down for YEARS and YEARS, just as yours are getting older and more independent.

user1487194234 · 28/08/2021 19:47

I would definitely help my siblings in this situation if they really needed to work full time to pay the bills but not in this sy

Phineyj · 28/08/2021 19:54

Roughly how many pick ups did she do for you? If it was say 10, 3-6pm, that's about 3 days of 8-6pm care. Not suggesting you should be that transactional, but you know your sister best -- if you think she volunteered for those pickups to build capital for this major ask of hers, just something to bear in mind. I reckon you 'owe' her a few days looking after the baby if he's not well enough for nursery, or to give her flexibility when she has late meetings or whatever. Arguably that would be more useful anyway as that kind of responsive, ad hoc care can be hard to find.

I think it's up to your DP what they choose to do, but you should make it clear you're fine with it if that means them doing less for you. After school clubs exist and not going to their grandparents several days a week for tea won't affect the bond they have if they still see them regularly.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 19:58

I’m shocked you’re going to agree to do this even one day a week, especially when your husband is against it. That’s so disrespectful to him - he works full time while you work part time to support your household, not your sister’s. If I was him then you going against my view’s like that would be hurtful and make me question a lot about where your loyalties lie. You’ll be taking the piss out of your husband and I’d brace yourself for him asking you to increase your hours at work.

Looking after your sister’s child isn’t in any way repaying what you’ve had from your parents, caring for them in their old age will be. I’d feel very different as your husband if you were doing that with your time off while our children were in school as it’s paying back what we as a family benefitted from. If my husband wanted to work part time in order for me to effectively fund him looking after some other family member’s child I would go ballistic. Sorry but I would.

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/08/2021 20:02

@billy1966

Once you say yes to this you CANNOT ever back up without causing grief.

People who have childcare for free are often very quick to forget how hard it is.
How long the day is.
How much it restricts the minder for NO compensation.

I think as your children are older you have forgotten how HARD it is.

You will bitterly regret it.

I have never heard anyone say they are delighted the took on such a thankless job.

I bet one day of it and you will be wtf have I done?
Flowers

This!
timeisnotaline · 28/08/2021 23:50

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family in order for your sister to get free childcare. I would expect our own family to benefit from your reduced hours or for you to work full time.
This - dh isn’t very happy. He was fine with a swap, but makes the fair point he’s working full time and I’m neither working or doing stuff for our family, instead supporting you to work and when I thought about it I realised that’s true. I’m a bit taken aback it’s not a swap either, just a oh you have to do childcare for me for years.

Absolutely not for her second child!!

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 23:58

What your DPs decide to do regarding their grandchildren is totally their choice. But that doesn’t mean you have an obligation to look after your sisters baby for 2 whole days a week if you don’t want to. She helped you with school runs but that’s completely different to looking after a baby than it is picking up/ dropping off School age children. Don’t feel guilted into doing this, just be honest. That’s a huge commitment and will tie you down. Up to you if you decide to do one day, two days or no days, you can simply say you can help ‘sometimes’ or when the child is older and it’s school runs… it’s completely up to you what you decide and you aren’t being unreasonable IMO

Lockdownbear · 29/08/2021 00:06

@CurlyhairedAssassin

If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family in order for your sister to get free childcare. I would expect our own family to benefit from your reduced hours or for you to work full time.
That is actually a very fair point. You would be subsidising your Sis, it would make more sense to put your kids into afterschool, and if 5 days is too much for your parents for the baby to go to nursery.

Another consideration is the baby has two sets of gps.

Hankunamatata · 29/08/2021 02:09

Just tell her that you had agreed a reciprocal arrangement and that's not happening anymore so unfortunately you cant have dn

Susannahmoody · 29/08/2021 02:15

Do you actually remember what looking after a tiny baby is like? It's absolutely like bootcamp. You'll regret it after one day.

Your sil is very cheeky, home improvements indeed!

Susannahmoody · 29/08/2021 02:17

If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family

^

Hub pays for extension basically

HungryHippo11 · 29/08/2021 02:31

One day a week is still a big commitment. It doesn't sound like it, but it really is. Far bigger than the odd school pick up here and there while on maternity leave.

You are giving up one of your non working days. If you worked instead, you could earn money. Instead you're allowing your sister to earn money PLUS saving on childcare. What could you do with that extra few hundred pound a month? For your own kids?

I think its quite different to, presumably retired, parents helping.

PurpleOkapi · 29/08/2021 05:38

You agreed to trade off so that you each watched the other's child(ren) for the same number of days each week (or at least for some days each week). Now she wants you to watch her baby for two days per week while she watches your children for zero days per week? That would get a strong "no" from me.

GreenTortoise · 29/08/2021 06:20

I feel sorry for your parents. You both should be looking for alternative childcare even if it's fit 3 days a week. They've had their kids. Give them a break.

GreenTortoise · 29/08/2021 06:20

For*

Phineyj · 29/08/2021 14:35

When I was looking at nurseries some years ago, I worked out one day pw was £5k a year. Would you and DH be happy to give DSis £5k a year? If not, don't give it as time.

GinPin2 · 29/08/2021 17:58

@MrsFiennes
Has your sister approached her PIL for help ?

Pipsquiggle · 29/08/2021 18:05

TBH sounds like your DS is taking the piss. I would say a definite no. If she has decided to go back full time, and her DH works full time, then they have to sort out the childcare.
Whatever your parents decide to do is up to them.
There is absolutely no way that I would agree to look after a toddler on the only child free days I had in the week