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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not offer this childcare?

143 replies

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 09:01

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 28/08/2021 12:35

I think grandparent care is different though.

Lockdownbear · 28/08/2021 12:36

It might be easier to offer two half days than one full day. Remember for the age of 3 they get 1100 hours childcare per year, so either 22 all year or 30 hours term time.

Your probably only making the commitment for a couple of years.

If you have LO in the morning, then drop at nursery you have free time with your kids to do homework when they get home.

No easy answer but unfortunate that you benefited from free childcare but you sis isn't able to in those very early years.

Wakeywakey86 · 28/08/2021 12:37

Personally I agree with some of the other comment. You have some concerns about your parents managing a baby and the school run etc. Sounds like you've had a lot of help over the years which is incredibly fortunate. Could you not ease the burden now and let your parents just help your sister through these first difficult years of nursery fees?
This is why I don't think grandparents should really help, it's ok when there's only one grandchild or only one child has kids but of course the expectation is there for the next kids that come along and people really need to think about the bigger picture. My dad has been helping with the school run for about 10 years (not my children).
In regards to having her baby 2 days a week... I do think it's an incredibly big ask and I'd definitely say no. I'd be tempted to say I'd help for say one day a week for a limited amount of time if you feel you want to help. But I'd put a deadline on it or it could go one for years. But it is nice to have someone who you can rely on in your time of need too

Whinge · 28/08/2021 12:38

@MrsKeats

I think grandparent care is different though.

Why?

It's still a person giving up their time and restructuring their day and life to fit around somone elses child.

MargosKaftan · 28/08/2021 12:41

A toddler is very different to a baby. Do not offer to have a baby one day a week, you will then be caring for a toddler. And if she has a 2nd, a baby and a preschooler.

A better idea is to pay for childcare before /after school for your dcs so your parents have an easier time.

You have saved a fortune with the free childcare from your parents over the years. Make it easier for them now by paying for childcare.

saraclara · 28/08/2021 12:51

Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs.

Then relieve them of the school runs. They've done more than enough over the last seven years. Time for you to arrange something else for the beginning and end of the day.

BlackShadowCat · 28/08/2021 12:51

A better idea is to pay for childcare before /after school for your dcs so your parents have an easier time.

You have saved a fortune with the free childcare from your parents over the years. Make it easier for them now by paying for childcare.

I think it's better to discuss things with the parents first and then discuss things with the sister. If the OP stops using the parents for pick-ups and drop-offs and refuses to do childcare, I can see the parents might get stuck doing childcare 5 days a week, which they may not want.

First, the OP needs to decide what she is wiling to do/not do and then help support her parents with what they are willing/not willing to do and then they need to discuss thie with her sister.

phishy · 28/08/2021 12:54

@Whinge

She will expect it even when you want a break, day off, are sick

Playing devils advocate, the same could apply to the DP though in the past when caring for the OPs children.

Yea but it doesn’t mean that because DPs helped OP that OP must help sis.

I do agree that OP should give up the help from DGPs with school pick up.

dottydodah · 28/08/2021 13:04

I think she is assuming that you will do this and being a bit of a CF TBH! Just say that you will not be able to do it .As above PP said just say "No that doesnt really work for me " Be honest and say you relish your childfree days off ! As far as your DP are concerned thats up to them really. Unless they are unwell or very old ,they probably enjoy seeing their DGC. Say to DS that obv you love her ,but find 3 days a week just about doable with the 2 days to catch up .(She may go off FT work anyway with a baby !!

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 13:05

@MrsFiennes are you coming back?

What did you say to your sister when she told you her plan?

Hadalifeonce · 28/08/2021 13:07

So it was supposed to be a reciprocal arrangement? As that is no longer the term, you don't need to look after her child/children.

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 13:16

If your sister goes back on the basis that you and your parents provide free childcare, you will live to bitterly regret it.

You will feel caught and unable to back out.

It will restrict you terribly especially as your children are older.

What about holidays when your children want to do the things of their age group and you will have a baby toddler.

I have never met anyone who hasn't bitterly regretted being tied and restricted with a toddler that isn't theirs when there is a fine gap.

You do not owe your sister childcare.

I wouldn't entertain it.

You will miss your part time status more thsn you will realise.

Original poster

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 13:28

Okay, so regarding the school runs I agree with the idea of my dps not doing them anymore BUT I can also see my dm insisting. I also agree with the pps who say that it may result in freeing them up to do 5 days childcare for sis. I'm hoping there'll be after school clubs they'll want to do, which at least means it'll only be the pick up (5 min walk) and then having them for 30 mins or so. Tbh, they are amazing GPs and adore the dc, who adore them back! I can't see them wanting to stop seeing them in the week, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the help it gives me, because I do. I also know my dm is looking forward to having some time with her gs like she did with mine when they were babies.

When dsis told me it was very casual, like she just assumed I'd be okay with it. I was taken aback and just sort of went along with it so I'll need a proper chat when dh and I have decided what to do, which is looking like one day, though where it leaves me if she has another I don't know.

We are all close and would definitely help each other in an emergency or for date nights etc, none of that is an issue, just this long term commitment.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 13:34

I'll need a proper chat when dh and I have decided what to do, which is looking like one day

I actually think you’re mad to agree to one day as a regular commitment! Unpaid? Will it be throughout the holidays? Even if you have both your children home ill? If you’re ill/want to see a friend/have a hospital appointment? What if the child is ill? What if she has another child? Or a third? Will you be doing this forever-all through their school career and your holidays?!

What hours will it be? 10-2? 7-7?

I think she’s taking the piss but if you’re fine with sacrificing your own career and pension to help hers, then go ahead. I’m sure she’ll help you out with money each month in future when she retires on a nice pension!!!

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 13:57

I wouldn't do this for my own children never mind a sister.

You'll have to run your holidays arrangements past her.

It won't be appreciated, just expected.

And I certainly wouldn't be working part time so I could look after someone else's kids.

Your poor parents of course will be expected to step in and she won't even appreciate what a huge huge commitment and favour that is.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/08/2021 14:16

My own sister tried this with me years ago. There were only a few months between our children, so I would have had my toddler & her one year old and would have been pregnant with my second within a few months too. Didn't seem to think of the effect on me at all, just how it would save her money and apparently I should have done it "out of love" so she wouldn't have to send the baby to strangers.

The odd bit of babysitting yes or when older a couple of days here and there in school holidays as long as it works both ways, but why the very fuck should you put yourself at a major disadvantage for her, OP, in terms of extra hassle and work, making you much more tired, making less time for giving individual attention to your own child, costing you money extra food, nappies, entrance fees to soft play, creating more mess etc, all while she gets free childcare, much more disposable income and is able to further her career? I said to her that if I wanted all the extra hassle on such a regular basis I'd become a paid childminder then at least I wouldn't be skint as well as knackered.

Absolutely the utmost in selfish behaviour with not a thought to the other person. In the end my mum had the baby and then her second too and it exhausted her (plus, selfishly for me, meant she had a lot less time to do anything with me and less focus on my kids when she was with them as she was always minding my sister's and saw them as her responsibility so all attention on them, as well as able to build closer bonds, give them expensive days out etc).

Absolutely do not do it. I would offer to be her emergency childcare but that's it. That time while your own children at school is your own - the time is compensation for having a reduced income and is every bit as valuable as carrying on working is to your sister.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/08/2021 14:24

If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family in order for your sister to get free childcare. I would expect our own family to benefit from your reduced hours or for you to work full time.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/08/2021 14:25

Should have added "This" to that, sorry.

Bunnycat101 · 28/08/2021 14:35

I think you’d be mad to agree to any long term childcare. Your children are at an age where you can be doing fun things in the holidays, needing to be helped with homework or wanting to have play dates/activities all of which will be much harder with a toddler around. I find it hard enough juggling the different needs of my 2yo and 5yo on my non working days. Part of the reason you’ve presumably stayed part time is to spend the time with your children after school.

I do agree with others though that you should be prepared to drop your parents level of help so they can do more for your sister without getting overwhelmed.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/08/2021 14:35

I do agree with others, though, that you need to tell your parents that you will arrange something else for the school runs so it's not an additional burden for them while they look after your sister's child. It's only fair. They may well say that they would like to at least see the DGCs on one of the days so they will carry on doing one.

diddl · 28/08/2021 14:48

Well if your mum insists, then you insist more that she doesn't do them!

If they end up doing 5days for your sister then that is up to them-you had the childcare you needed when you needed it.

Your sister would be getting the childcare she needs when she needs it!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 14:58

Maybe she was very casual about it having known she and your parents have done your free childcare so naturally assumed the same in return.
You may find date nights and other help shes given you in the past disappear if she finds out there’s no help in return or it ceases if she has another child.
You parents may choose to do the other days as they had yours for all the hours you worked so may offer her the same.

MrsKeats · 28/08/2021 16:22

whinge
Because they might be retired which is very different to me working and juggling full time childcare for someone else.

Notonthestairs · 28/08/2021 16:37

If you do one day a week that leaves a day where either she stays at home or baby goes to grandparents (so they do 4 days).

No nursery is going to give a child one day a week - they'll have a minimum session requirement.

That's not to say you should do two days - I think you are better not doing any. Babies are cute but then you are on the terrible 2's and potty training, do you look after baby at your house or theirs etc etc. And then she'll have Baby No.2...

billy1966 · 28/08/2021 16:51

Once you say yes to this you CANNOT ever back up without causing grief.

People who have childcare for free are often very quick to forget how hard it is.
How long the day is.
How much it restricts the minder for NO compensation.

I think as your children are older you have forgotten how HARD it is.

You will bitterly regret it.

I have never heard anyone say they are delighted the took on such a thankless job.

I bet one day of it and you will be wtf have I done?

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