To not offer this childcare?

[MrsFiennes]

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

Sorry but there's no way I'd look after my sibling's DC for two days a week unless they were looking after mine in return. So I'd def say no to that and your sister needs to organise paid childcare.

But maybe you could offer to be an occasional back up if your parents can't do childcare? That would be useful to your sister as it's usually much harder to find one-off childcare (if your parents are away or ill) than a regular arrangement.

Thanks all.

I just want to stress that I do appreciate all the help I've had from my parents massively and I absolutely don't intend to try and stop them helping dsis similarly and neither do I resent it - that would make me a right cow! It's just that they are 7 years older now than when mine were babies and I have always spent part of my two days off helping them out with shopping and stuff. I just imagined dsis would do similar and we'd do a bit of mix and matching between us all. But now it's going to go back to her not being around as much but we'll have her ds to sort as well!

I'm thinking I might offer to do one day (dh doesn't even want me to do that...) I actually love babies and get broody anyway so I feel like one day would be okay. I do feel bad about him maybe going to nursery or something when mine never had to (not that it's wrong but I felt fortunate to have family help) but I guess that's her choice with going full time. I just think she's a bit delusional about how hard it's going to be and how much we're all going to help her...

@ThreeFlowers

No way, don’t do it. You are a mum with your own family and work commitments, not a grandparent - both very different things. Tell her to find and pay for a childminder/nursery.

This made me laugh.. Not a grandparent, who is expected to do these things for nothing.

No no no. Am I right that you won't even have other dc at home? Crazy. My cousin took her brothers dc for 2 days a week on top of her own preschool dc for no reciprocal childcare. It caused incredibly bad feeling in the end. They just expected it. My cousin is very kind hearted and it took ages past when she wanted to give up to actually get out of the arrangement.

I wouldn't be drawn any more than "no, this won't work for us" and " it's too big a commitment". If you give lots of reasons it gives the opportunity to "solve" problems.

Leave your dps to sort their own arrangements. It might be that you have to reduce the days you use them so that she can get a look in.

Also nursery is great. Don't feel bad.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

You are not unreasonable to not want to look after your sister’s Child. But you have benefitted greatly from free child care and should step back a bit from that now to allow your sister to benefit from what energy your parents have left.

This.

I’d put your kids in before/after school club and let the grandparents focus on the baby now.

Your sister is being unreasonable to expect you to do this free with nothing in return. I’d be pissed off if I was your DH as well.

Tell her you’re thinking of going back to work.

If your children have never had to attend nursery, or before / after school, club then you must have had quite a lot of help over the last 7 years. YANBU to say no to DSis regarding childcare, but I agree with others that it might be time to look at other childcare options for your children so DP can offer some help to Dsis.

I think sis is being CF with you, but I agree with pp, you could help by telling sis you won’t use parents for pick ups and drop offs anymore.

I wouldn’t offer one day a week, it will quickly become tiring and you will resent it as she will have a full time wage.

I agree that your sister is asking too much, but your attitude is hypocritical. You clearly think that relying on family for childcare is fine and dandy, because you've accepted huge amounts of help from your parents, but seem to resent your sister for having similar expectations.

@pinkyredrose

You could work full time if you wanted?

Yea she could, but has chosen not to and to take the financial hit, she’s not there to subsidise her sister’s home improvements.

I think it's too much of a commitment.

Maybe step in in an emergency if possible?

If yours never went to nursery and you used your parents for three full days, why do you now think your parents shouldn’t do the same for your sister? There’s only one child not two so easier for them.

and how much we're all going to help her

Yet it was fine when you wanted the free childcare to earn and still do…..

I wouldn’t do it but it seems you wouldn’t mind doing one day, which is fair enough.

I do feel for your DP though. They will feel obliged to look after your DS baby and most probably the extra days too. If they don’t mind, again, fair enough, but they would they tell you both if they did?

If you do just one day OP then your DSIS might always expect it.

She will expect it even when you want a break, day off, are sick, want to go out with your kids without a baby/toddler in tow, etc.

Plenty of CF threads about this.

Offer to do it if she pays you?

If you used your parents for 3 days while you were at work before yours were at school massively cheeky if you to feel it’s a bit much. That’s up to them, but if you feel it you should suggest they stop taking yours to school and back to lighten the load.

I wouldn’t do 2 days, I can see why you would do 1 day, but hell would also have frozen over before I did someone’s school run for them while on mat leave! I have no idea how I’m going to survive my own dcs school run when next on mat leave. I do think it’s massively cheeky of her to both assume she can work full time with no paid childcare, and that you will do 2 days instead of agreeing a swap as discussed. I’d say honestly I thought we were swapping and I’d get some more child free time out of it, I can’t possibly do both of my non working days, I help mum and dad out too !and everything’s harder with a small child at home. If you want to work full time you will just have to pay for childcare really.

She will expect it even when you want a break, day off, are sick

Playing devils advocate, the same could apply to the DP though in the past when caring for the OPs children.

Back in the late 70s early 80s I had a friend with a son the same age as mine. I then had a second son and she had a daughter later so the younger children were different school years. We were both full-time mums.My younger one was due to start school and at that point friend decided to go back to work full time. She decided her mother could have her daughter 3 days a week and I could have her the other two. I said no. She offered to pay me. (childminder regulations were very lax then) I still said no. I was looking forward to child-free time. She was a lovely child, but I didn't want the commitment.
She didn't speak to me after that and they moved to be nearer her mother who lived in the town (about 12 miles away) where friend would be working.
If it's not right for you, don't do it.

@dontstealmymagnolias

I voted YABU because of your attitude. You were fine with being 'subsidised' by your parents, ILs and sister, but you don't want to pay it back? I think you are totally NBU to not want to do the two days, but your attitude is all wrong.

I agree. You've been subsidised.

What will happen if one of your dc is home sick? What about when you go on holiday? What if you are unwell- have a headache? Will she feel you’re letting her down each time? A swap situation was much more flexible. Also to what extent are you willing to look after her child when they are sick? Hand foot and mouth? Impetigo? Slapped cheek? Common cold? Chicken pox? Covid?

@MrsFiennes

Thanks all.

I just want to stress that I do appreciate all the help I've had from my parents massively and I absolutely don't intend to try and stop them helping dsis similarly and neither do I resent it - that would make me a right cow! It's just that they are 7 years older now than when mine were babies and I have always spent part of my two days off helping them out with shopping and stuff. I just imagined dsis would do similar and we'd do a bit of mix and matching between us all. But now it's going to go back to her not being around as much but we'll have her ds to sort as well!

I'm thinking I might offer to do one day (dh doesn't even want me to do that...) I actually love babies and get broody anyway so I feel like one day would be okay. I do feel bad about him maybe going to nursery or something when mine never had to (not that it's wrong but I felt fortunate to have family help) but I guess that's her choice with going full time. I just think she's a bit delusional about how hard it's going to be and how much we're all going to help her...

I wouldn't even offer one day.

Nursery is actually good for kids socialising and learning.

Maybe you could ask her what the nursery or childminder hours would be and offer to do pick ups or drop offs on one of the days if that helps.

Do you really want to commit to one day as if she arranges a child minder or nursery then she won’t have flexibility to get alternative unless she is expecting your parents to step in.
Eg what will happen if you decide to go on holidays or if it’s the school holidays or an inset day and you want to go somewhere /do something with your dc, what if you’re ill and don’t feel up to it ir what if your dc are ill,?
What if you have medical /dental/hairdresser etc appointments for you or the dc etc.

Will you have to bring the baby or arrange all these on your in day off or the weekend?

Having the flexibility to do all this is one of the up sides of being part time - you will lose that at no benefit to yourself.
Also what about school drop off /collection, after school activities, sports clubs etc - do you want to drag a baby /toddler to all of these?

I cut my hours when my dc were young - it saved childcare but also meant they could have friends around, go to parties, swimming lessons, after school and sports clubs.

Bringing another baby /child into the mix totally impacts on your flexibility to do these things and it will impact on your children as well.

Personally I think your sister is being really selfish, it’s one thing offering to step in, in an emergency but a regular week in week out commitment is a big thing particularly when you have the stress of looking after a toddler, and your ds is building an extension and getting on in her career.

If you think it will be too full on for your parents with childcare for your sister and your school runs, I think you need to make alternative arrangements. Your sister needs the help more right now, and 7 years of free childcare is a long time!

It's a much for your sister to expect you to do two days. With your parents helping her on three days, hopefully she can afford childcare for the other two days, or perhaps her husbands family can help.

Definitely think you should alleviate the pressure on your parents by sorting before and after school care.

So how much is she going to pay you for full time childcare?

@MrsKeats

So how much is she going to pay you for full time childcare?

The same as the OP has paid for her two previously…..