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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not offer this childcare?

143 replies

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 09:01

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

OP posts:

Carpedimum · 29/08/2021 18:35

I was in a very similar situation, it was assumed by a family member that I could look after a baby on one of my days off, no discussion. I was shocked & realised I had no intention of fulfilling their fantasy. Next time it was mentioned, I said that I was actually looking for a FT role & shut the idea down. I didn’t actually start FT for another 12 months, but they didn’t need to know that!

Jeannie88 · 29/08/2021 18:36

Too much to ask of family for every day imo. 2 days at least should be paid childcare as it's unfair to expect you all to look after her son for free, that's reality.

Yogalola · 29/08/2021 19:24

That’s not fair, your days off no doubt are spent sorting your house out, shopping and having quality time with your own kids. Point your sister in the direction of a Nursery

BoredZelda · 29/08/2021 19:51

It's just that they are 7 years older now than when mine were babies

Unless they were in their late 70s when they helped you, being 7 years older is irrelevant. My parents were 15 years older when they were looking after DD than when they looked after my nephew. But they were still more than capable. I love too far away for it to have been a regular thing, but had I been closer, they would have helped out with childcare like they did for my sister.

birdsong7 · 29/08/2021 19:51

Hang on, so your dc are at school so she wants you to spend your two free days looking after her baby for free?
I'm sorry but it would be a definite no. I understand helping eachother out with school runs or maybe the odd day of babysitting etc but you can't be expected to be tied down with her baby on the days you have to yourself every single week.
You aren't a childminder. You went part time to look after your children. You've now passed the baby stage and you're starting to get a little bit of time to yourself. One of the benefits of going PT.
just say sorry but you can't commit to having her dc every week so she'll need to find a nursery

Serenschintte · 29/08/2021 19:58

So you DSIS will be working full time - and being paid a full time wage.
You will be also working full time - the days you are paid for and the days you are looking after DSIS children. Except you won’t be paid for 2 days a week.
Doesn’t seem quite fair to me.

cherish123 · 29/08/2021 22:45

No way. You'll be tied to her DC until he or she (or possibly "they" go to school. Presumably you use these days off to do housework, shopping, exercise, a bit of time to yourself. Looking after DN would mean you could not do this.

Just say, you can't manage this but can help out in an emergency.

RiverSkater · 29/08/2021 23:15

It's a massive ask, you'll be working five days a week for three days pay.

So say if you wanted to be a childminder you would be one and get paid.
Seems like the sister wants everybody to finance her career aspirations and her extension.

Bertiebiscuit · 29/08/2021 23:41

She's taking the p*ss - tell her to put her children in a nursery and pay like everyone else - do not be her free babysitter, whatever you do

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 30/08/2021 00:10

Sorry I just had to re read your OP when I saw your updates. Your sister wants 2 x days free childcare from you and 3 x days free childcare from her/your parents?? So she can earn a fulltime wage with no childcare costs and advance her career??

But there's you earning a p/t wage, not having any days 'off' because you know looking after a baby is hard work no matter how broody you are. And pausing your career and not being able to afford your own extension (should you wish to have one).

She's absolutely nuts!!! The 3 x DP days are for them to decide but I would say no way to even a single day of unpaid childcare! If she wants to work FT she needs to pay for childcare out of those extra wages. Not pass the cost (loss of earnings and career pause) onto you!! Absolutely not. She obviously assumes you do nothing with your 2 days off but I certainly fill my 1 day off with life admin. And if you are broody then you can pop in to see your parents when they are looking after the baby. But no way should you offer any days of childcare for 0 pay when she's getting full pay.

I used to work an extra half day that my DPs/MIL covered alternate weeks. That extra money was helpful but I only worked 4.5 hours because they were too old to manage any more. As soon as one got poorly my DC got put into childcare for those hours and I never switched back because the health of my family was paramount. Yes my disposable income took a hit but when you have children these are the costs you have to factor in.

HelgaDownUnder · 30/08/2021 02:12

@Winter2020

Hi OP, Your parents are offering your sister 3 days of childcare. She needs to work only 3 days or pay for 2 days childcare. You need to tell her that you can't do these 2 days of childcare) - that you work part time for your own family reasons. But if she can tie in the days your parents have the children with your days off then you will help out - support your parents if needed sometimes ...and you would be able to sort your own children those days not leaving your parents overstretched.

Yes - my first thought was the op should support her parents in their three days, especially as they have helped and her. As GP get older their ability to provide long day care for babies and toddlers is diminished and they may need extra downtime/ sick days. If your ds gets her kids in a nursery 2 days week now it would be easier to increase their care if your DP struggle. If your DP are still doing school pickups you may need to consider putting your kids in afterschool care on one day as well so they aren't so swamped.

panauchocolat · 30/08/2021 10:14

There’s absolutely no reason for even justify the answer here.
She is planning her perfect life around having people to help her, not paying for childcare… she is mad.
Jump out if this as soon as you can. Saying NO is not a problem. It will be a problem is you say Yes and decide further away that you don’t want to do it anymore, and off it goes your sister saying that is all your fault that her life is screwed…

Get out of this situation before it even starts… she must take responsibilities on having a child and look for her own paid childcare or make life changes like you did.

Good luck

bemusedmoose · 30/08/2021 12:44

She wants to work full time and have full time free childcare and deprive you of any time off.... F#CKIN HELL NO!!

She can get a nursery place like everyone else! She wants everyone to raise her kid and not pay for it so she can have a career and nicer house at everyone else's expense - that is bloody selfish! You need to say no asap and don't fall for the 'could you help until we get a nursery place...' because she won't be looking and the lists can be a year long!

diddl · 30/08/2021 13:03

Unless she's generally one for taking the piss I wonder if she just hasn't thought it through?

ellyeth · 30/08/2021 13:38

Perhaps compromise and do one day a week? She has helped you so that would seem reasonable to me. It is also reasonable that you have one day to yourself. I think it's a lot for your parents but it is up to them to say if it will be too much for them.

I find it surprising that she is considering full time work, relying on free child care, so soon after having a baby. It is tiring and a real responsibility to look after such a young child. It is especially surprising that one of the reasons is to pay for house alterations. I can almost understand it if people are in dire financial need (and perhaps in the case of an unplanned pregnancy) but an extension does not seem an absolute necessity to me.

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2021 14:09

If you do offer one day a week op say very clearly that it will have to be revisited at the end of the year to see how it’s working for you and your family. It would be batshit of her to assume she’s locked you in for 4 years or 6 years once she’s had a second child.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/08/2021 14:17

@diddl

Unless she's generally one for taking the piss I wonder if she just hasn't thought it through?

I think that’s very likely, especially given she and her parents have provided the OP with free childcare for some years when the OP could have used a nursery and paid so it’s the norm in her world.

Backwaterjunction · 31/08/2021 21:04

I don’t care

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