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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer this childcare?

143 replies

MrsFiennes · 28/08/2021 09:01

I have two dc and since having them have only worked PT. They are at school now but before they started I was fortunate enough to have family help, mainly my DPs but dh's family did help out a bit too. Now my DPs take them to school and pick them up on my working days. No money has ever been involved as my DPs have always been adamant it was a pleasure.

My dsis had her first baby last year and is now planning to go back full time having originally considered dropping at least one day. While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match - we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids.

Now she is planning to go full time as she thinks she'll get behind in her career and wants the money to extend her house. She still wants me to have her dc on my two days off and my dps will have him on the other three. Having discussed it with dh I kind of feel I'm subsidising her. I would be better off financially if I worked f/t and would have advanced at work and now she will be doing that while I have her dc for free. Also, my DPs will have it full on with a baby three days and school runs. I don't know, it just doesn't sit right, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Confused102 · 28/08/2021 09:42

Yanbu. I wouldn't commit to such an arrangement. That is huge and will cause resentment. She needs to find childcare. Reciprocal childcare vs fixed arrangement is just not going work.

Faevern · 28/08/2021 09:54

My sister asked me to do this, she even said she couldn't go back to work if I didn't. I said no, I told the truth it was too much of a commitment to have her child set days every week. I didn't even think about the money I just didn't want the commitment.

She was upset, but got over it and I am pleased I was honest rather than making vague excuses. Also committing to 2 days means there is a precedent for her to say oh could you just do this pick up or that extra day / afternoon.

How much did she help with the school runs? You could say you may be available for odd times but not a regular commitment.

Boombadoom · 28/08/2021 09:57

But do you want to go back full time?

If she’s preventing that then say no, and go FT.

If you don’t, and you just don’t like the fact you’re providing support to her, then YABU.

converseandjeans · 28/08/2021 09:58

Does she expect you to have the baby all day on your non working days?

I think leave your parents to decide for themselves - but a school run plus a baby three days a week is a lot.

Can you book after school club a day a week?

I think also your sister should use a childminder or nursery a day or two a week.

honeylulu · 28/08/2021 10:00

I would be saying no, but offer to stand in for emergency childcare if the nursery is closed or do a pick up if your sister gets stuck on her commute.

It just doesn't sit right that your children will be at school most of the day but you'll be looking after someone else's baby!

Dangermouse5 · 28/08/2021 10:06

@dontstealmymagnolias

Tiana it isn't a silly post. The issue isn't OP not wanting to help out, it's the way she's looking at it. Her dps/ILs gave her free childcare, which she refers to as "family help". She is referring to her sisters help as "subsidising". She doesn't even want her own parents to help out either, it was good enough for her but seemingly her sister is not as deserving of the help!
I agree with Tiana

It was a silly post and she explained why. A few months of 'helping out' on occasion - which is what Dsis did whilst she was at end of her own Mat leave- and the odd babysitting is not the same as every week 2 days childcare for her Dsis baby then toddler for 4-5 years!!
OP was expressing a view that her Dparebts would have a lot to do , she's not stopping her Dparents from doing it, that's a moot point.

MattyGroves · 28/08/2021 10:07

I wouldn't want to look after someone else's toddler 2 days a week either, that's too much and not the point of not working those days. I would though keep the door open to occasional reciprocal help, e.g. nursery closure days or evening babysitting

I do think you should think about after school club for yours if having so many kids will be too much for your parents - you have had their help for years, it's your sister's turn

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/08/2021 10:07

You could have worked full time but chose not too for your own reasons and were subsidised, and still are, by your parents. Yet you seem to be criticising your sister for doing the same thing. You can’t complain about the extra money etc if having two days when you could work but chose not too.
If your parents are happy to do it then it’s up to them. Presumably as they are your free childcare they would feel very unfair not offering the same to their other daughter.
Up to you if you help or not but you were happy to take advantage of her.

Dangermouse5 · 28/08/2021 10:09

Whoops posted accidentally too early

OP hasn't said she won't help her Dsis out in a similiar way - off baby sitting and the odd school run (as DGPs do most of them) in the future- the same as her sister has done for her school aged DCs, it is that what Dsis is requesting is disproportionate and too much.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 10:10

If you don’t, and you just don’t like the fact you’re providing support to her, then YABU

No she’s not! Why should she provide free childcare for her sister so that she can extend her house and pay into her pension?!

@MrsFiennes just say no.

How did she ask you and what did you say?

Dangermouse5 · 28/08/2021 10:13

I think PPs are digressing into what support DGPs are choosing to do for their daughters (& their DGcs). OPs post is mostly about being asked herself to childcare two days a week by/for her sisters baby when she has gone PT for her own family and would negate the point of her working part time for less money. It's derailing the thread !

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 10:15

Your argument about being able to earn more and advance your career is irrelevant because you've chosen not to do that.

I don't think you should have to provide childcare though. They can pay for their own childcare and if they can't afford it they'll need to work that out themselves. Asking anyone to do a full days childcare regularly is unfair IMO.

purpledagger · 28/08/2021 10:16

Agree with dontstealmymagnolias.

The OP isn't being unreasonable for not wanting to provide childcare - it's a big commitment to agree to having a child whilst the parent works.

But the OP hasn't said that. OPs issue is that Dsis is continuing to work full time and so will be better of financially by working full time and also future potential earnings.

Most parents have to make sacrifices, you've made sacrifices and your Dsis will be making different ones. You are both in fortunate positions to have the level of childcare that you do and even if you decide you can't/won't help, you should resent your DSis decisions, because most of us will be making a sacrifices.

Winter2020 · 28/08/2021 10:24

Hi OP,
Your parents are offering your sister 3 days of childcare. She needs to work only 3 days or pay for 2 days childcare. You need to tell her that you can't do these 2 days of childcare) - that you work part time for your own family reasons. But if she can tie in the days your parents have the children with your days off then you will help out - support your parents if needed sometimes ...and you would be able to sort your own children those days not leaving your parents overstretched.

RicStar · 28/08/2021 10:26

I would say no, two days would be too much... but I might alternat8vrly offer to your parents dsis to sort out some alternative childcare on some of the days your parents would otherwise have all three kids, so dsis child gets some dedicated day/s assuming that is possible.

Thesearmsofmine · 28/08/2021 10:30

YANBU to say no, it’s a big commitment.

I do think YABU when you talk about your parents though, it is for them to decide if it is too much and if they do feel that way then perhaps you should look at your dc going to before/after school clubs so that your sister can benefit from the free childcare that your parents have already provided for you,

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 10:30

While she's been on mat leave she has helped with the school run etc and we had discussed helping each other out if our days off don't match-we hoped they wouldn't so we can have each other's kids

But now she wants you to do two full days of childcare for her and she will do nothing for you in return?

What did you say when she suggested this?

saraclara · 28/08/2021 10:42

I think this hinges on the exact wording of your conversation about looking after each others' kids. It's hard to tell from what you've said so far, whether you were talking about having each others' kids as a regular, every week thing, or just when shifts clashed etc.

If as a regular thing, then I think you need to say that if she's full time and she's not in a position for it to be reciprocal, then it's not really something you can do for her. But if she's been doing school runs for you regularly all this time, I think you should consider offering one day to her.

HeckyPeck · 28/08/2021 10:54

It would be a no from me.

It's one thing to look after each others kids fairly equally, but to expect you to have her kids for 2 full days is taking the piss!

madmumofteens · 28/08/2021 11:00

I lost a friendship similar circumstances I had just retired from my job and it was decided I would look after her daughter 5 days a week oh I would get paid. Only thing she didn't do was ask me first also my son detested the girl it was a no from me!!

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 11:05

@AlexaShutUp

Just say no, you're under no obligation.

If you think that it will be a bit much for your DPs to juggle your kids and her baby, maybe you should organise alternative care for yours now so that your dsis can benefit from the same support that you had without overburdening them?

This. Your poor parents must be exhausted. I would absolutely sort out alternative wrap around for your school age children, thanking your parents profusely for all they have done for you, then step back and allow them to help your sister in the same way they have helped you. But for goodness sake done have your sister’s child on days you don’t even have your own!! If I were your husband I’d be mightily unimpressed to work full time and carry the main financial burden of the family in order for your sister to get free childcare. I would expect our own family to benefit from your reduced hours or for you to work full time.
WildfirePonie · 28/08/2021 11:06

No - that doesn't work for us.

That is all you have to say. Don't elaborate on this either as to why it won't work for you.

WildfirePonie · 28/08/2021 11:06

DSIS can pay for nursery/childcare.

Why should you do it for free for two days a week, on your days off? You'll resent it so much.

FrownedUpon · 28/08/2021 11:08

Don’t do it. She’s taking the p*.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/08/2021 11:09

You are not unreasonable to not want to look after your sister’s Child. But you have benefitted greatly from free child care and should step back a bit from that now to allow your sister to benefit from what energy your parents have left.

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