Page 36 | To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX

MsTSwift · 29/08/2021 08:10

Urgh bad luck it’s upsetting falling out with friends but their issue is so entrenched can’t see a way forward for you spending time with the mother/ dd together.

When Dh had to say no to a gentle parented indulged child triggering a massive public tantrum (aged 11) I felt I had to gently tell the mum afterwards as it had been so awful. I tried to do it carefully (“x seemed very upset”) but the mum has basically hated my guts ever since.

Newmumatlast · 29/08/2021 08:10

[quote notthemum]@MsTSwift
Whilst you sat there and smiled smugly and indulgently at your extremely precocious rude 8 year old. Toddler shoving ? I have never heard of an 8 year old being referred to as a toddler before. [/quote]
If this is a reference to the post I think it is, I read it as the poster saying it wasn't a case of toddler shoving (which presumably they would excuse) and I assumed the reason it wasn't a case of that was due to child's age

Cuddlyrottweiler · 29/08/2021 08:10

Could I also know where you're staying please? It sounds awesome!

torchh · 29/08/2021 08:11

@MsTSwift

Urgh bad luck it’s upsetting falling out with friends but their issue is so entrenched can’t see a way forward for you spending time with the mother/ dd together.

When Dh had to say no to a gentle parented indulged child triggering a massive public tantrum (aged 11) I felt I had to gently tell the mum afterwards as it had been so awful. I tried to do it carefully (“x seemed very upset”) but the mum has basically hated my guts ever since.

You need to regale us with that tale again please!

SpeakingFranglais · 29/08/2021 08:12

I feel the friendship at worst will be over. At best, she may speak to you but she will think you’re wrong and want an apology.

Personally, I see no harm in telling your friend everything that was wrong with the holiday and why.

She can take the information and reflect or not.

TrufflyPig · 29/08/2021 08:12

I had that how to talk book too, and promptly binned it.

I'm glad others hate this book too, thought it was just me being a 'mean mummy' 😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2021 08:12

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

"Dick chats?"

We weren't talking about you @DoWhatYouWantToAndShh

Lol 😂

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 29/08/2021 08:13

Please could you PM me with resort details? It sounds idillic!

Sorry to hear about the explosive last day OP but well done for handling it so well! I think I'd be writing the family out of my life after all this.
On a plus though it sounds like the kids have Had a lovely week away. They won't have pick up on all the frustrating stuff.

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 29/08/2021 08:13

Alyssa is going to encounter many situations where she will not win or be first. Your daughter did her a favour by teaching her that she can't have it her own way all of the time. I can't believe your friend still pandered to her throwing a tantrum and letting her away with saying horrible things about your daughter. She will unlikely grow out of her reaction to losing etc can you imagine her still at 30yo behaving appallingly because someone else met a work deadline first, got married first, baby first, graduated first...... That is exactly what my friend is dealing with now and I have no sympathy or patience with hearing about her moaning about how her adult children treat her, she made that rod for her own back. And the way her adult children speak about others who have success in their lives is just horrendous and out of spite. Your friend has that to look forward to.

I

MrsPerfect12 · 29/08/2021 08:15

Hope your morning goes smooth as it can. Drive safe home. I don't think you should text in a week. Leave that ball in her court.

Immunetypegoblin · 29/08/2021 08:18

Alyssa will be smug, I bet - she's basically won. She gets her mum to herself and everything her own way, as at home. I feel a bit for her mother because she must realise what she's created, surely. She might not admit it but surely she knows?!

WimpoleHat · 29/08/2021 08:23

Alyssa will be smug, I bet - she's basically won. She gets her mum to herself and everything her own way, as at home.

I don’t know - for once, there have been some consequences for her actions. She won’t have done what it was she thought she was going to do with the OP’s family. She won’t have had OP’s daughter for company yesterday. She’s seen the (natural) consequence of her behaviour, which is that it makes others upset and not want to spend time with her. So possibly a valuable lesson at some level?

CometCupidDonnerBlitzen · 29/08/2021 08:25

I have a friend like this (I actually had to check it wasn’t her and her daughter when first reading this thread). The mother doesn’t have a scooby doo that she is part of the problem. She paddles the same “she’s so shy/sensitive” nonsense all the time. She’s cooking up a whole heap of trouble for the future. I think this friendship is beyond saving OP.

berryfull · 29/08/2021 08:25

Yeah to me it sounds like a combination Alyssa has undiagnosed SEN and her mum is not coping with it.

Totally agree that SEN is no excuse for not setting boundaries/having routines/dealing with bad behaviour. I have two with SEN and a lot of their behaviour reminds me of the anecdotes in this thread, but they do generally respond to strong routines and boundaries and actually really need them.

But Alyssa’s behaviour also reminds me a lot of a friend’s kid who has a type of ASN that is made worse by demands, so the only way to parent him is to reduce demands. It’s called PAthological Demand Avoidance,

But yes if I had a kid with PDA I wouldn’t put them or another family in the situation these threads describe.

Unless of course I was completely in denial and really not coping myself.

Maybe if you get to recincialation and debrief with your friend then perhaps ask her about PDA. www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/identifying-pda/

TriCeraBottom · 29/08/2021 08:27

I’m still in shock that your friend thought it appropriate to accompany her Dd when she went to “confront” your dd simply for being first in a public bouncy pillow madness. What kind of parent thinks that’s sane behaviour? Surely most would say to their own dd to not be so silly and go and play not accompany them to confront another child.

On another note do you think that after a week of your children going to bed on time and her “trying” (very half arsed!) to get A settled so you can have adult time your friend will be upset that last night you were okay with your children staying up really late whilst you got adult time with the neighbours? As in will friend think “why the fexk have I have to try to get A settled when she didn’t want to sleep all week and now OP is fine it’s letting her kids go to the pub late!” I’m just pondering. Think your approach all week has been right but seems turn around on last night although completely understand with the upset caused by friend.

Enjoy your last morning with your children. Don’t let her complete spoil the whole holiday.

Ps can you also PM me with resort name? Thank you.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 29/08/2021 08:29

It’s the siblings I feel most sorry for. My sister was an ‘Alyssa’ and DM really pandered to her. I get why she did it, DSis was difficult and Mum just wanted to keep the peace and for everyone to be happy, whereas I was much more easy going so it was easier for her to say no to me. It meant that my whole childhood revolved around keeping DSis happy and letting her get whatever she wanted. Unsurprisingly she got worse and worse and was horrible to live with, as soon as I turned 18 I moved far away. She became a very selfish young adult who couldn’t keep hold of friends, boyfriends or jobs because nobody in the adult world would put up with her behaviour.

We’re now both in our 30s and she’s a totally different person, lovely to be around, very chilled out and kind, I guess she just eventually figured out the way she was acting was wrong and not doing her any favours. So there is hope for the Alyssas of the future but I suspect that my DSis is probably in the minority of those who actually develop enough self awareness to change.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2021 08:30

Dd is early teens and her ex best friend has obviously been very over indulged. She’s incredibly manipulative and burns through friends. When my dd finally stood up to her unreasonable demands, the girl ended the friendship and blocked her.

She has sent texts to both me and and at least one other parent a few times in the past trying to manipulate us into doing stuff or to support her often whilst attempting to get our kids into trouble. My dd told me she shouted at another parent in front of dd when she fell out with their child.

My dd tolerates her now realising you don’t want to be on the wrong side of this girl as she can be very spiteful. She was besties with one of dd’s long standing friends for ages and tried all manner of things to split my dd and her up. I’m friends with the mutual friend’s mum and she had us both on the back foot on a few occasions. We supported our girls - mainly the mutual friend - to put a boundaries up with her and in the end she ended the friendship this time with dd’s long standing friend and and blocked her. Now she’s trying to suck the friend back in. She did exactly the same last year with dd when she blocked dd for a couple of months last year. But dd by this stage had moved on whereas this girl is more gullible.

The girl’s parents are useless. All I have ever seen them say is “Alyssa” and eye roll indulgently. Even when she hit one of them in front of me.

People on this thread have mentioned that Alyssa may not be NT. I think this may actually be true of our “Alyssa”. Dh has also mentioned there’s something very different about her. I’m not going to say anything to the school right now as I’m needing the school to assist me with my dd’s anxiety and masking in lessons and am also asking to talk to the SENCO as I have questions. It’s something I intend to flag to them at a later stage.

Just because she’s made my dd’s life hell at times, she is still a child.

Puppalicious · 29/08/2021 08:31

I’m a little confused. The OP is a perfect parent who puts her children to bed at early o clock but on the last night goes out in sole charge of her children and gets drunk in a pub until 11pm keeping them out and everyone is…yeah, go girl? I’m so far from being a perfect parent and on one of these Spanish holidays where I was pressured to stay up late I did get drunk in a bar. I was so ashamed even though there was loads of extended family members there to look after them that I didn’t drink for months. How come everyone is ok with this? Maybe it’s a cultural thing?

Exhausted5487 · 29/08/2021 08:31

I'm sorry you've had such a frustrating holiday, we also had a holiday from hell with friends a couple of years which put us off ever holidaying with friends ever again. It all blew up a couple days before the holiday finished so we had to talk things through enough to get through the last day. The friendship is over but we were able to finish it as best we could - I hope you and your friend also get a chance to chat things through at some point.

FairFuming · 29/08/2021 08:32

Wow... there's nothing else that can be said about your friends behavior! I think its time you cool that friendship

TriCeraBottom · 29/08/2021 08:33

To clarify i don’t think you did anything wrong all week re bedtimes and think your friend was really weak letting A come down and play and do “pamper for the mummies” she should have been told to stay upstairs with a quiet activity if she couldn’t sleep.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2021 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverByYer · 29/08/2021 08:36

Omg OP, matters really did com to a head. Sounds like your parenting types are incompatible and maybe your friend has found the week difficult as well.
Your daughter reacted with so much maturity when confronted by Alyssa and her mother ( unforgivable)
Sorry you have had a disappointing week, we live and learn. Have a safe journey home.

BitterTits · 29/08/2021 08:41

Have a great day enjoying yourself independent of the little dictator OP. This is why I'll never go on holiday with another family!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 29/08/2021 08:42

I'd love to know the resort too if you are able to pm
Thanks