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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:41

First thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4332702-to-not-want-an-awake-child-around-at-11pm-when-i-m-on-holiday

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 28/08/2021 04:16

The idea of a child with a “poorly tummy” doing anything that involved getting near me (let alone touching my face) would come close to being my worst nightmare. I know she probably has nothing wrong with her, but just… grim!

Sadiecow · 28/08/2021 04:19

@SpaceBethSmith

How the fuck are you drinking wine and keeping your mouth shut? That’s got to be witchcraft.

I would definitely have said “You’re not the sun love, now fuck off to bed” by now Grin And that’s me being a polite wine-drunk-me.

So bloody true!
drspouse · 28/08/2021 04:36

Will you give Alyssa's mum a hint as to why it's not going to be an annual event? Or keep stum?

DifferentHair · 28/08/2021 05:06

I feel sorry for both of you TBH. If I was your friend I'd feel judged and quite stressed trying to keep my children up to someone else's clearly different standards. I wonder if she is enjoying the holiday.

Raising your voice to a five year old isn't ok, complaining about a plate is tedious but fairly age appropriate behaviour and not worth getting worked up about IMO.

But I totally feel your frustration that you've not been able to enjoy adult company and catch up properly because she isn't prioritising that. I feel for her too, every parent needs downtime and she's not getting any.

I hope your next holiday is better. I do think it's worth an honest conversation with your friend about the evenings though, you've been fairly passive about it.

nettie434 · 28/08/2021 05:20

Next step: conquer my fear of a single parent holiday with just my kids and no adult company

At least you would be the one making decisions! Lots of us would love a gossipy evening drinking wine and watching TV with you. Given that we wouldn't all fit in a cottage, do you have any friends without children or with children who will be spending part of their holidays with their other parent? That person can then spend the daytime blissfully zoning out while you do the parenting, only to emerge as a post bedtime bon viveur.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 28/08/2021 06:11

Placemarking

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2021 06:16

It sounds really annoying for you op
Don’t go with them again

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 28/08/2021 06:24

Do you have one more night OP?

iwannabelikeyouhoohoo · 28/08/2021 06:38

I had a friend who did this, but she was actually in my house. I live abroad and she came with her two kids, who were about 7 and 4 at the time. The 7YO was pretty typical but the 4YO was an absolute banshee and the most spoiled brat I’ve ever met. “Just wouldn’t” go to bed before 9pm and friend had to lie with her to make her sleep, then would fall asleep herself and just not come back downstairs. We managed one evening out of a whole week where we actually had a decent catch up and it was like old times again. The tantrums during the day were epic and friend would say “there’s no point trying to stop it, she’ll just cry louder” so she’d just wait for it to be over. One in particular in the back of the car where my (younger) child was really frightened by the screaming and thrashing, and friend just sat there texting and murmuring “we’ll be home soon…” Confused I ended up pulling the car over to comfort my child and asking friend’s child to stop - she did but friend was in a strop for the whole day afterwards about me parenting her child. They asked to come again next year but I politely declined.

RantyAunty · 28/08/2021 06:40

Next holiday I would plan without any DC. Find a willing relative in advance to drop them off for a week. You deserve it.

MyOtherProfile · 28/08/2021 06:59

@MaintainingPositivity

A friend has suggested something similar, that her 14 year old DD accompany us on days out as 'she'd love it and feels like she misses out'.

No way, that's happening, I have distanced myself from such happenings - a teenage girl totally changes the dynamics but friend just can't see it.

As they say say ya later mother fuckers, friendship group lost due to the needs of a 14 year old Hmm

You would think the 14 year old would rather be out with her own friends.
Bakewellisntjustacake · 28/08/2021 07:06

Bit different really but my parents used to be friends with another couple who had older children, at the time I was 5 and they were 9 ish and it was fine but obviously as we got older they wanted less and less to do with a younger child when our parents met up for takeaway and drinks on a Friday. I think I was 10 and she was getting ready for a night out so when she went out I had to join in with the adults and oh my gosh it was boring as fuck but I was expected to not talk because it was the adults night. Think it lasted til I was 12 then I got to stay home alone Grin but my parents would have had no issue in telling me to shut it if I had joined in

MsTSwift · 28/08/2021 07:13

We had a weekend break with 6 other families which was fab. Kids were upstairs watching a film to be fair until my dd then about 8 came down to say the only child of two high powered politicians had shoved her off a bed hard and unprovoked. They were too old for toddler shoving and dd was outraged.

Kid came down and admitted it and parents gentle parented her. Our dd usually extremely polite says loudly to the whole group “I cannot believe I have been shoved off a bed and the parents have done nothing about it”. The high powered parents sat there wetly having had their crap parenting called out by an 8 year old😁

Iwantmymoneyback · 28/08/2021 07:13

@RantyAunty

Next holiday I would plan without any DC. Find a willing relative in advance to drop them off for a week. You deserve it.
This is really unfair. Why should OP’s children have to miss out on their next holiday due to another child’s behaviour? It’s not them who have played up and not gone to bed when told Confused
Tistheseason17 · 28/08/2021 07:19

Just one more night and def go alone next time - it will be better than this! 🤣

Emelene · 28/08/2021 07:23

Argh your friend sounds very insensitive OP and her parenting not compatible with having any adult time! Confused

I’ve enjoyed reading your thread though, you write very well.

The comments on gentle parenting have been a breath of fresh air. I have a toddler. I do believe in some of the aspects of “gentle” parenting as I understand them like trying not to act out of anger and speaking about emotions. But my toddler has recently been kicked, had dirt thrown in her face and been screamed at by three other children on different occasions. On each, I have watched their parents (my friends!) speak to the children “gently” and have thought how inadequate it has been. There has been no firmness, no consequence and no apology to my child. I was told by my mum that other people think I’m too harsh to my toddler. But I don’t think a firm no/ telling off for bad behaviour and making her apologise is harsh. Anyway I digress.

I really hope you can enjoy the last bit of your holiday.

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 07:24

BINGO!

Friend delivered another night of Alyssa as we all knew she would, the signs were there all day yesterday - and she pulled the masterstroke of a tummy ache/sick kid, and of course children that are ill are well enough for pamper nights and make up with the adults Hmm. Oh op, I am so sorry she has ruined your holiday like this. Did you even manage one conversation about your new man? Or your life in general?

Well its your last day, something to celebrate, this evening I would give up all hope of an adult night, kids party night tonight keep your kids up a little later and make the most of your last day for them. I would be doing a impromptu reward ceremony for the best sleepers of the week!
I would thank them all for being totally amazing, and big them up a little with a round of applause and a special drink./snack. You want to be rewarding good behaviour not bad, and Alyssa won't be feeling quite so smug then.

I think your friendship might be relegated. I am not sure I could see the woman in the same light after this. What a spineless sap of a parent. Bloody pamper night my arse!

Good luck today - you can do this girl!

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 07:28

My vote for the next holiday:

Long spa weekend for you with a friend - no kids

Your children choose the next holiday themselves, and get to have you to themselves with no other families involved. Mummy sleepovers, love bombing and no Alyssa whats not to like! At least you won't have to go to bed at 9.30pm!!!!

MsTSwift · 28/08/2021 07:31

Urgh Emelene bad luck. So relieved my mum friends were normal. One friends dd hit mine on a play date the mum immediately picked her kid up and shut her in the porch for a few minutes. Every time. Such a good technique for younger kids take them away from
the fun immediately for a short time. I nicked that technique when dd2 started biting.

Whenever we saw a violent toddler being gentle parented dd2 would lean over and say “ee needs to go in the porch” 😁

OverByYer · 28/08/2021 07:34

Marking my place for the grand finale.
Your friend is a complete melt and has made a rod for her own back by not having any boundaries in place.

I think next year you should brave a holiday by yourself or with an adult relative who will be happy to support and keep you company.

If your friend asks about next year or how you think this week has done , I’d be honest but gentle and say something like ‘ I was disappointed that we didn’t get more time on our own. I would really have liked some adult company in the evenings to make it feel like a break.’

I do think you have been a little passive and could have said a bit more to your friend about why you disappeared to your room etc;
But you do have my sympathy

2Rebecca · 28/08/2021 07:49

Age 8 the not staying it bed is just silly and unnecessary. She is old enough to understand that the adults want time alone and she has to stay in her bedroom regardless of where she'd rather be. Agree this should have been tackled early with a "I thought we were having adults evenings and the children were going to bed. I don't want to play children's games any more". I think a holiday with just you and the kids sounds fine. Less stressful than other people's nonsense.

MsTSwift · 28/08/2021 07:59

How the op has not cracked and screamed “just get the fuck to bed” is heroic self control.

Roussette · 28/08/2021 08:01

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

Love your humour, and so agree with your style of parenting! I have adult DCs now, but me and best friend every year would have a week away with no DHs, just our kids.

And they were fantastic holidays because our sole aim was to give the kids a brilliant time but get them in bed at a decent time so we could drink wine catch up and chat into the wee small hours. Such happy memories.

Immunetypegoblin · 28/08/2021 08:04

I think you have been very polite OP, in the face of some provocation! I don't agree that you should have said something while on holiday. She didn't ask for advice and you'd have nowhere to hide if she took it badly, which would surely make things worse. Grit your teeth, get to the end, provide feedback at a later date if pushed/so minded, and DON'T do it again next year (give Alyssa a year to grow up/be adequately parented) Grin

PeonyRose80 · 28/08/2021 08:06

@MsTSwift I totally agree!

I would totally go on holiday with you @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop definitely similar parenting styles - hope you manage a decent last night!