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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:41

First thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4332702-to-not-want-an-awake-child-around-at-11pm-when-i-m-on-holiday

OP posts:
decoratedstandardlamp · 28/08/2021 19:32

@itsgettingwierd

Well I've just read thread 1 from the OP.

I've also been on holiday with a friend who an ineffectual parent.

Unfortunately I was an ineffectual person in speaking up for me and ds so I seethed quietly but never did it again.

However she did actually admit her children were being complete arseholes (kind of!) but somehow tried to make out it was because my ds was really well behaved and they felt uncomfortable around him. Confused

And I can assure you my ds is no angel Grin

I don't think that makes you ineffectual at all. Sometimes you just have to suck it up at the time then vent to other friends afterwards.

I'm saying this as I had to do this on a holiday with a dear friend who I love but her child and parenting makes me grind my teeth. I didn't speak up face to face as why should I. She wasn't asking for my take on it but living with 'Alyssa' was hell on Earth for me and I cried in the evening as it was so stressful. I'm also a teacher but being round that child pushed me to the edge.

I still love my friend but can't stand her parenting.

PartyPotato · 28/08/2021 19:33

At least if OP has to spend the evening alone again, she’ll be able to kill a few hours reading all the new comments

TrufflyPig · 28/08/2021 19:38

No one, especially not a grown man to a woman and three year old, should be ‘losing their shit.’

You have never met my auntie, she's a horrible human being.

Moonlight1972 · 28/08/2021 19:38

I cant wait to hear 😎

BoredZelda · 28/08/2021 19:39

The 'if anyone tells my child off they're in trouble' brigade have bratty awful kids IME

Your experience is very narrow. I know plenty of parents who would object to it and their children are far from “bratty” 🙄

SpicyJalfrezi · 28/08/2021 19:40

Oh, that’s fine for a grown man to lose his shit at a woman and toddler then, if she’s a horrible human being Hmm

MrsDooDaa · 28/08/2021 19:41

You are not a lone voice Spicy.

This thread is mean. Yes there are some valid posts discussing gentle parenting but a lot of posters are just checking in (with wine) hoping for updates from the OP on the antics of a specific 8 year old child tonight.

For the posters that want to discuss gentle parenting it would be kinder to start a new independent thread to do so.

I do hope that the OP doesn't come back tonight and it is because Alyssa has been lovely today. OP has only seen a few days of this child and let's not forget that it has been a really difficult 18 months for all parents and children so I would give Alyssa and her mum a break.

Also, if I was the OP I would recommend Mumsnet to her friend for parenting advice - it is normally a very supportive place for parents.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/08/2021 19:41

I'm pleased I stumbled across this thread!!! I had previously decided to adopt 'gentle parenting' and I've now changed my mind 😂

Spotsmum · 28/08/2021 19:41

Oh man can we stop with the funsponge judgement constantly! Yes, you're morally better than the rest of us. You've said your piece: can we just enjoy this now?

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 19:42

Well YOU can call it the mean girls drunken convention, the rest of us can call it 'Frangi's support party'! Gin Wine

And I know which party I would rather be at!! Glitterball

Spotsmum · 28/08/2021 19:43

Frangi's support party checking in 😌

Ukholidaysaregreat · 28/08/2021 19:43

O can everyone calm down on this thread! I am here with a G and T and want to know if A will stay in bed. Not have a bloody parenting debate. Also if A will not stay in bed would love an apology picture. Also would like to know who the high powered politicians were from earlier in the thread. Fingers crossed OP. Don't blame you if you don't come back - too many misery guts. Gin

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/08/2021 19:45

I will say though, I don't think Alyssa has done anything wrong here at all - your friend however, really isn't teaching her children any valuable lessons by not imposing any boundaries. In what universe did she think her friend, on holiday, who's own children were in bed, would like to be 'pampered' at 9pm by someone else's child?

QueenHofScotland · 28/08/2021 19:46

I hope the kids are winding down, in their jammies, drinking their coco 😂 and preparing for bed OP!!

I feel bad for your friend - she MUST know what a shit show this has been. If she doesn’t then 🤷‍♀️ I would be mortified. I wonder if she just doesn’t know what to do? Although a holiday isn’t the right place to fix things. But she needs to sort this out ASAP.

As a mum with a lovely dd with sleep problems I know how hard it can be. However, I’ve said on thread 1, my dd would be given her iPad / kindle / headphones and told that it was adult time.

Hoping your last night goes to plan. Your pal must be shattered - no down time at all for her this whole week too. That is exhausting.

QueenHofScotland · 28/08/2021 19:48

@Mulhollandmagoo

I will say though, I don't think Alyssa has done anything wrong here at all - your friend however, really isn't teaching her children any valuable lessons by not imposing any boundaries. In what universe did she think her friend, on holiday, who's own children were in bed, would like to be 'pampered' at 9pm by someone else's child?
Well exactly - no 8 year old is going to pass by on the offer to sit up all night and continue with all the fun. She’s probably got away with murder at home since day 1 and this will continue until her mum makes drastic changes.
stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 19:49

I do hope that the OP doesn't come back tonight and it is because Alyssa has been lovely today

Just on what planet do you need to be on to imagine this scenario has legs????!!!! I mean seriously!! Alyssa is plotting right now how to break out downstairs. I am quietly an Alyssa fan by the way, the girl has gumption, courage and wit but she IS running circles around 3breakfasts, ruining op's holiday. On the upside she will probably be working for Goldmans in just a few years so don't feel too sorry for her, she is gonna be just fine that kid. It is OP we feel sorry for! (and her dd who to fair seems to be the sweetest kid ever and is being very diplomatic with Alyssa)

TrufflyPig · 28/08/2021 19:50

Oh, that’s fine for a grown man to lose his shit at a woman and toddler then, if she’s a horrible human being hmm

My dad had a word with both my auntie and uncle when their darling had finally gone to bed, I was being nosy and eavesdropping as I was 14 and it was the most exciting thing that had happened that holiday!

He had paid a lot of money to be there and wanted some adult time and relaxation, not an unreasonable demand. Perhaps saying he 'lost his shit' was an exaggeration, my father is not an aggressive or angry man, he was firmly saying he was not prepared to put up with their selfish behaviour (not just child screaming and running round and bedtime related but I won't bore you with the details). Happy now?

SpicyJalfrezi · 28/08/2021 19:51

I don’t particularly like the term gentle parenting, mostly because it does tend to encompass some ridiculously impractical and often silly sort of ideas. It conjures images of outraged mummies because someone said No to their child, or (a popular one on a Facebook group I was a member of) gran or grandad said ‘naughty boy’ or similar, and it does all often get really silly and it can produce children who are difficult to be around.

But as I have said, there are extremes, and the other extreme which is being lauded on here is damaging too.

When I was little, from the outside everyone would probably have said that the ‘strict’ approach had worked well, for my brother and myself. We were always extremely well behaved, mostly because on the rare occasion we weren’t, we were shouted at, sometimes smacked and our crime (such as it was) would be mentioned forevermore. (I was once a bit giddy and silly at a relatives house when I was maybe about six, my mother was still bringing it up a good seven years later.)

We were scared of our parents, in short. We did love them, and we knew they loved us - it wasn’t all oppressive and tyrannical, but yes, we were scared. They were both teachers, too.

It made us both pretty sneaky in some ways, because we couldn’t just confide and admit if we’d messed up. My brother was moved down a set in Maths at secondary school and was petrified of them finding out - it seems crazy now but he genuinely was so worried about it. When I was a bit older I had a boyfriend and I had quite a few problems with being coerced into stuff I wasn’t comfortable with but I couldn’t tell my mum as she’d have been furious I had a boyfriend at all.

I want my children to know that I have their back, I suppose. Sometimes yes, I am their mum and will insist on brushed teeth and the like. And I wouldn’t deal with Alyssa as this mum is, but I wouldn’t approach parenting like the OP either. I don’t think either are parenting styles to emulate.

amy85 · 28/08/2021 19:53

@amillionmenonmars

Ah, new ideas in school discipline policies. The gentle parent skills that now operate in the classroom. It seems that pretty much all schools have now bought into this.

Child is a bully, disruptive, non cooperative? No worries. Just allow the child to have a time out (actually many, many time outs), while they go off with the behaviour team or a member of SLT for a nice chat, a swing in the staff member's comfy chair and a hot chocolate so they can talk about how horrible Mrs Teacher is being so mean making him/her listen in silence whilst instructions are given to the class and the - dear God - expecting him/ her to produce some written work without kicking the student in front of them or shouting out every ten seconds.

In fact, give the child a laminated pass so that they can work the system more efficiently. The child knows the rules of the behaviour system better than any lawyer, so they will stay in class for as long as possible, getting all of the attention they crave. They will work their way through the numerous warnings and pre warnings (X, if you shout in my face again I will give you a warning. X you were told that if you did that again you would be one a warning, so this is your first warning - this has to be repeated THREE times with time in between to allow the child time to reflect and adjust their behaviour). They know they have a right to go through each of these steps before they can finally be ejected and earn behaviour points on their record.

The child knows that as they finally reach the very end of the process that they can trump all of this with the laminated card. Off they toddle, grinning at their mates to have a nice chat and a hot chocolate. leaving behind a disrupted lesson, a frazzled teacher and many disgruntled kids. It's not long before a whole stream of kids are lining up for their own laminated card.

Sounds like where I work....I have been known to "accidentally" loose those laminated cards 😂
SpicyJalfrezi · 28/08/2021 19:54

@TrufflyPig, it isn’t about me being happy or not. It is no more inherently selfish of your aunt to want her child up to your dad to want adult time. It’s two people wanting different things. Which is why I don’t think holidays with different sets of parents work!

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 19:55

Spicy please can you just settle down, give the soapbox a rest, grab a drink and RELAX!! There, thats it, much better now isn't it.....breathe in and out.

You don't need to tell us you are a great mummy to be part of the Frangi Support Party you are allowed to be a thoroughly rubbish shouty mummy if you like - we won't judge - you just need a thimble of gin - easy! Gin

TrufflyPig · 28/08/2021 19:56

@SpicyJalfrezi

My auntie is a massive knob though! I'm sure even you would hate her 😂

QueenHofScotland · 28/08/2021 19:57

I kinda feel that some people are missing the point of the thread….

SpicyJalfrezi · 28/08/2021 19:57

‘Settle down’ Hmm I’m sat on the sofa with my iPad eating Skittles, so I’m not sure how I could be any more settled, unless you’d like me to slip into a coma.

SpicyJalfrezi · 28/08/2021 19:58

@QueenHofScotland

I kinda feel that some people are missing the point of the thread….
And that would be? To repeatedly talk about how horrible the eight year olds of gentle parents are?