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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want an awake child around at 11pm when I'm on holiday PART DEUX

999 replies

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 28/08/2021 00:41

First thread

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4332702-to-not-want-an-awake-child-around-at-11pm-when-i-m-on-holiday

OP posts:
Spotsmum · 28/08/2021 19:58

Nearly 8pm. You got this, OP

stepupandbecounted · 28/08/2021 19:58

If you insist....

Staffy1 · 28/08/2021 20:00

People, there are options to watch a thread and bookmark at whatever post in the thread you want. There is no need to make a post to do this.

JudgeJ · 28/08/2021 20:00

@NewlyGranny

As a teacher and parent, the child who hits, bites etc was calmly and firmly told, "People are not for hitting/biting etc," and encouraged to think of a way to make amends after a sincere apology. They also learned that their "Sorry!" was not a re-sent button but carried the commitment not go repeat the behaviour.

Often it takes a little time for the hitter to be ready to apologise but they spend that time alone calming down and thinking, not getting adult attention, which is focussed on seeing the victim is OK.

Children do need to learn how to apologise and put things right; it isn't innate or developmental and some don't witness it from their families.

Modelling how to apologise when in the wrong is an important part of teaching/parenting!

I often wonder what the rest of the class are doing when these gentle conversations are taking place though.
QueenHofScotland · 28/08/2021 20:06

@SpicyJalfrezi no one is saying how horrible the child is…if they have I’ve missed that. You can be a good parent and a good friend and still moan, surely? I mean if it was my child up until 11pm I would be mortified - and I would 100% moaning! Sounds exhausting. There is a middle ground between gentle parenting and what people are interpreting as being abusive parenting.

Children thrive on routine and structure. They need it. They also need boundaries. They don’t need to be painting nails at 10pm.

Mummapenguin20 · 28/08/2021 20:10

Hope you get a adult night tonight

SisterMaryFunsponge · 28/08/2021 20:12

In my day we hung children upside down by their ankles to teach them some respect. Then we all had a thimble of wine and got pissed. God bless.

Shallwegoforawalk · 28/08/2021 20:13

@PyongyangKipperbang

I dont agree that it is an attack on ANY child but an attack on lazy parents.

I and others have posted about how children like that we knew as youngters have turned into demanding unpopular and very unhappy adults. Its a really damaging way to treat a child. You take the path of least resistance when they are little and then as adults they have no way of negotiating relationships with anyone, work, friends, family etc because they have never been taught how to consider anyone else but themselves.

Being a parent is taking the path of most resistance usually, remember the phrase "I am doing this for your own good". No parents wants their kids to hate them for taking away the XBox or grounding them or whatever but we do it because we know that its in their own interest to learn these lessons early. Its horrible when your child doesnt want to speak to you or hates you because you disciplined them but ultimately it really is for their own good. 3breakfasts is doing what is easier for her right now and letting the consequences for that happen to Alyssa, which is an awful thing to do to a child she claims to love.

Yes this! It's very selfish parenting really.

Yesitsbess · 28/08/2021 20:13

Thanks Spicy. I want some Skittles now...

Envy
Ukholidaysaregreat · 28/08/2021 20:14

O.k. you have forced me to add my gentle parenting story! I used to holiday with my gentle parenting friend - her child would only eat about 3 foods mashed potato, chips, white rice and Dairy Milk bars!! One holiday her slightly older child brought a massive family sized Dairy Milk bar and just kept snapping bits off to feed herself not offering any of it to my small children who couldn't believe it. They would share treats fairly. We didn't go on holiday again as I couldn't bare to watch the child in question shovelling in Dairy Milk while my children watched!!! (We were in a remote location so I couldn't get a Dairy Milk for them to share!).

Yesitsbess · 28/08/2021 20:16

Aaaaaaannnd now I want a Dairy Milk.

I hate you all.

CoronaPeroni · 28/08/2021 20:17

I often wonder what the rest of the class are doing when these gentle conversations are taking place though

It's a free for all! It won't necessarily be one gentle conversation either, half a dozen miscreants might be lining up for the 'talk' and the next thing you know an hour has gone by.

Bargebill19 · 28/08/2021 20:19

Squished up on the sofa. !

NoraBlack · 28/08/2021 20:19

@Spotsmum

Nearly 8pm. You got this, OP
Nearly 8pm. You got this, Alyssa.
torchh · 28/08/2021 20:20

Anyone else concerned that 3breakfasts has found the thread?

Op hasn't come back for a while

Oogachuckachopsy · 28/08/2021 20:21

@SpicyJalfrezi

I don’t particularly like the term gentle parenting, mostly because it does tend to encompass some ridiculously impractical and often silly sort of ideas. It conjures images of outraged mummies because someone said No to their child, or (a popular one on a Facebook group I was a member of) gran or grandad said ‘naughty boy’ or similar, and it does all often get really silly and it can produce children who are difficult to be around.

But as I have said, there are extremes, and the other extreme which is being lauded on here is damaging too.

When I was little, from the outside everyone would probably have said that the ‘strict’ approach had worked well, for my brother and myself. We were always extremely well behaved, mostly because on the rare occasion we weren’t, we were shouted at, sometimes smacked and our crime (such as it was) would be mentioned forevermore. (I was once a bit giddy and silly at a relatives house when I was maybe about six, my mother was still bringing it up a good seven years later.)

We were scared of our parents, in short. We did love them, and we knew they loved us - it wasn’t all oppressive and tyrannical, but yes, we were scared. They were both teachers, too.

It made us both pretty sneaky in some ways, because we couldn’t just confide and admit if we’d messed up. My brother was moved down a set in Maths at secondary school and was petrified of them finding out - it seems crazy now but he genuinely was so worried about it. When I was a bit older I had a boyfriend and I had quite a few problems with being coerced into stuff I wasn’t comfortable with but I couldn’t tell my mum as she’d have been furious I had a boyfriend at all.

I want my children to know that I have their back, I suppose. Sometimes yes, I am their mum and will insist on brushed teeth and the like. And I wouldn’t deal with Alyssa as this mum is, but I wouldn’t approach parenting like the OP either. I don’t think either are parenting styles to emulate.

So you think your style of parenting is the one to emulate then? Hmm

I hope this thread doesn’t get derailed by upset ‘gentle parents’.

Yesitsbess · 28/08/2021 20:22

She's merrily posting dobble cards down the decking. Cackling.

TrufflyPig · 28/08/2021 20:24

What is the opposite to 'gentle parenting'? Am I a harsh parent because I make my kids go to bed at 7pm?! 😂

torchh · 28/08/2021 20:24

Effective parenting

Derbee · 28/08/2021 20:24

I agree it’s annoying to have a 9 yr old staying up and ruining adult time.

But you say you don’t like non assertive people. You’re happy to assert yourself with 5 yr olds, but would rather hide behind the price of next years holiday, rather than just telling your friend you didn’t find it relaxing to not have any adult time in the evenings?

Oogachuckachopsy · 28/08/2021 20:26

@torchh

Effective parenting
😂
starfishmummy · 28/08/2021 20:27

Personally in the OPs position, as she is not going to get any adult time tonight, I would get my kids to bed on time, pack my bags and get a decent sleep myself and then get up esrly and be off up and early tomorrow for some last minute fun before heading home. (I think they have their own cars??) Thus leaving three-breakfasts to do the traditional mumsnet deep clean before leaving the holiday accommodation.

TrufflyPig · 28/08/2021 20:28

Effective parenting

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

NewlyGranny · 28/08/2021 20:33

JudgeJ, read the post? There is no gentle conversation. The principles are laid down early to the whole class so everyone knows they are safe and that there are consequences if people are not respected.

Treaclepie19 · 28/08/2021 20:35

@TrufflyPig

What is the opposite to 'gentle parenting'? Am I a harsh parent because I make my kids go to bed at 7pm?! 😂
Mine were in bed by 6.30 today. I felt like a superhero. Until the baby woke up 2 hours later 😬