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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every bloody week it's the same

232 replies

countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 18:33

I have a system for planning my weekly shop. It's been the same for years. There is a notepad in the kitchen and during the weeks if you notice a store cupboard item or toiletries etc are getting low you are supposed to write it on the pad. Friday I plan the meals for the week. I go through each meal and make sure we have the ingredients in the cupboard or on the shopping list then add anything else that is on the notepad. That way we should have everything we need. Every bloody week I'll be working my way through the meal plan checking the ingredients and DH will randomly ask for his shower gel or marmite or whatever meaning I loose my train of thought. I've taken to refusing to put it on the shopping lit unless he has written it on the notepad to try and train him. Apparently it is totally unreasonable to expect him to remember to use the system but not unreasonable for him to disrupt my train of thought.

YABU - bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind.
YANBU - make him go without if he doesn't floor hge system.

OP posts:
WrongWayApricot · 27/08/2021 21:41

At first it feels harsh... But then I remember an ex that would put dishes on the wrong side all the time. It's not a big deal once in a while but every day/week/month it gets annoying. It shows that the person doesn't care to make your life any easier. You can say it's not hard to add the shower gel last minute, but equally it's not hard to use the system you've made. And, using the system would be showing the person taking on the chore some respect.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/08/2021 21:48

bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind

It’s this sort of contempt that’s the death kneel for relationships. It’s sad you feel this way about someone you’re supposed to love and be in a partnership with.

Barbie222 · 27/08/2021 21:51

The trick with things like this is to find a way to make it absolutely irrelevant to you whether his stuff on the list, off the list, bought or not bought. Life is too short for this to be taking up any of your bandwidth.

youaresunshine · 27/08/2021 21:57

Op, I am with you. My DH is the same! It takes effort and time to plan, shop and cook. A grown man can write down what he needs or get it himself. .

Lucyccfc68 · 27/08/2021 21:57

Just tell him to do the shopping each week and he can buy his own bloody shower gel.

MissKeithsNeice · 27/08/2021 22:01

At first I was undecided: You clearly do an awesome job meal planning and shopping. I would be so grateful if you were my partner.

But then you lost me at
bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind.

Pebbledashery · 27/08/2021 22:01

Goodness, I bet Friday nights in your house are a barrel of laughs.

WelshWhiskey · 27/08/2021 22:05

YANBU. I feel your pain. I have (exactly) the same system as you. If an adult member of my family is incapable of writing any items they need on my shopping list they won’t get picked up. Simple really

Confusedandshaken · 27/08/2021 22:05

It all sounds a bit intense and controlling. I have a list but I also ask ' is there anything anybody needs?' before I place the order.

Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2021 22:08

We have a similar system but when I do the final update for Ocado I also ask in the family WhatsApp if there are any requests.
Once I have done the final checkout the evening before deliver that’s that but if anyone asks me before I am happy to add things

Popsicle438 · 27/08/2021 22:11

Popsicle438

If he asks for shower gel etc, why can't you write it on your list?

You didn't read the post properly did you. I explained why it annoys me
Actually, I did read your thread. You said it disrupts your train of thought when he asks for an item.
You have a notepad for a shopping list. Fair enough. I still don't understand why you can't just add his items to your list. Why do you feel the need to 'train him' to do it?
Why doesn't it work, just to add something to a shopping list? It isn't hard.

EveningOverRooftops · 27/08/2021 22:13

If my SEN teen can write a simple list of the things a they need every week your husband can.

He’s being an arse.

And yes I have the pad in the fridge system too. DC gets a reminder, once. If it’s not in the list it ain’t going in the basket.

worriedatthemoment · 27/08/2021 22:18

One of those posts where if you don't agree the op has a go
Yes he should write it down but we all forget , how can you loose train of thought if its all written down, surely you just go back to it
Its quite inflexible though
But maybe just say you will order whats on the list and thats it and anything he has forgotten he can pick up himself. You must have a tesco express or similar .

Pipsquiggle · 27/08/2021 22:21

I wish I was a meal planner like you - I have never had this skill and to top it all off I work in the food industry, my whole career has been about making the weekly shop easier for customers?

Do you shop online? Can you get him to add items to basket himself?

If you don't shop online - can you get a google sharing doc on your phones that you can both update/ edit?

The google family calendar saved our marriage!

IfNot · 27/08/2021 22:24

Oh fuck no, I just couldn’t be arsed even giving something like a shopping list this amount of thought. I decline to do the shopping though, so him indoors has to do it. Jobs a good’ un.

honeyfox · 27/08/2021 22:24

I think every household has it's own system for shopping and he should either work with your system or do without. I note down stuff that's running low on an app on the phone and then ask DH if there's anything else before I head to the shop. In fairness, he buys all his own toiletries and I've never had to get anything like that for him.

thriftyhen · 27/08/2021 22:36

Because I have been telling him.tbat (sic) for decades and he still does it. It doesn't work.

So why not change the system to one that does work?

justasking111 · 27/08/2021 22:40

We have a shopping pad but both chat about extras. We share the shopping and cooking. We both top up the basket when wombling around the actual shop though. He gets his own toiletries

Vinorosso74 · 27/08/2021 22:46

We use the old fashioned list on the fridge method. I do an online order every fortnight and just before I do the order ask him if there's anything he wants or anything he's noticed getting low. The answer is generally no but you can guarantee the day the delivery is due and can't be amended he thinks of 3 or 4 items.
He is remembering to add to the list more now as I had a go at him. I'm currently going through some full on medical treatment, trying to make our lives easier and wanted him to shoulder some responsibility so in my present mindset OP, YANBU.

Embracelife · 27/08/2021 22:49

Do the online order
Hand com.puter to him
He adds,what he needs

Polkadots2021 · 27/08/2021 22:54

OP just do an online order however you want and shout out to people in the house at that moment 'fancy anything?' then add it, and if they forget something then they buy it down the shop.

chelle862 · 27/08/2021 22:54

You need to get out more. It's seriously not something to get worked up over.

HibouMilou · 27/08/2021 22:57

Get him to use the Notes app on his phone to make a list during the week. Then, when you’re about to do the shopping, ask him what he needs that week. Easy, I do this with my teenage son. He’s trained.
Needless to say I don’t bother with having a husband.

LizzieVereker · 27/08/2021 22:58

YABU and your comments about him in the OP do sound rather sexist.

KingdomScrolls · 27/08/2021 22:59

We have a fridge list, but if I'm doing the main shopping list and DH says oh we've only got a couple of bin bags left can you get some, I say yes and add it to my list because I've got a pen in my hand and the list in front of me, I don't bite his head off because he didn't write it on a specific piece of paper! I've even text him whilst he's been at the supermarket to say can you get X, we've run out, he is also ok with that. You need to unclench a bit.