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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every bloody week it's the same

232 replies

countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 18:33

I have a system for planning my weekly shop. It's been the same for years. There is a notepad in the kitchen and during the weeks if you notice a store cupboard item or toiletries etc are getting low you are supposed to write it on the pad. Friday I plan the meals for the week. I go through each meal and make sure we have the ingredients in the cupboard or on the shopping list then add anything else that is on the notepad. That way we should have everything we need. Every bloody week I'll be working my way through the meal plan checking the ingredients and DH will randomly ask for his shower gel or marmite or whatever meaning I loose my train of thought. I've taken to refusing to put it on the shopping lit unless he has written it on the notepad to try and train him. Apparently it is totally unreasonable to expect him to remember to use the system but not unreasonable for him to disrupt my train of thought.

YABU - bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind.
YANBU - make him go without if he doesn't floor hge system.

OP posts:
Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:09

@SquirryTheSquirrel

women are prepared to pussy foot around them

You need to stop accommodating him. If it's not on the list, don't buy it. He can go out and get it himself.

But some on here think that's controlling or harsh 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
Frogsonglue · 27/08/2021 19:09

This sounds mega controlling. My husband generally sorts out the weekly shop; he'll just ask me if I can think of anything we need that's not a weekly staple and I'll tell him. But then we don't meal plan either, I'd find that a suffocating way to live.

dudsville · 27/08/2021 19:12

Our system is less detailed but similar, we keep a list and add to it. Once I'm actuator ring the shop I ask him to have a final think and add to the list so I don't lose my place in favourites.

Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:12

@NewIdeasToday

Your system sounds complete inflexible. It’s a shopping list not air traffic control.
I'm not wandering round the supermarket scratching my head and it means stuff doesn't get missed. It's efficient. Why would increasng the time a drudge job takes and probably missing stuff be better?
OP posts:
Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:14

@esloquehay

You sound incredibly intransigent, but if that's what keeps your militia - sorry, household - from descending into unfathomable chaos, then needs must. 😎
If you prefer chaos that's up to you but with other us working full time, both wanting time for hobbies and 4 elderly parents needing a lot of care things needs to run smoothly.
OP posts:
violetbunny · 27/08/2021 19:16

Just get an Alexa. We have one, and anytime something runs out we just tell her to add it to the shopping list. I have our Alexa shopping list linked to the AnyList app.

The app automatically sorts all the products by category (e.g. all fresh produce together, all frozen products together). You can edit it on your phone if you want to add or remove things manually, and you can cross things off as you put them in your trolley. It also means if DP goes shopping instead, he has access to the same shared list.

bigdecisionstomake · 27/08/2021 19:17

We have a similar system in our house. A notepad in kitchen and anything that anyone wants or has used the last of needs to add it to the list before I do the online shopping order on a Sunday night.

For things that only others in the house use this works perfectly e.g. if my son wants more of the shower gel he uses then he only gets it on the weekly shop if it's added to the list. If he forgets then it's on him to go out and buy a replacement.

It doesn't work so well for shared items like toilet rolls however so I do tend to check those myself although at least once every month we have to have an inquisition over who used the last one and didn't put it on the list.

Nsky · 27/08/2021 19:17

Look in the grand scheme of life it’s petty, you should know that

violetbunny · 27/08/2021 19:19

Just to add, Alexa has stopped DP telling me "can you get me some X" as he now has to tell her instead.

Also works well when he says "can you remind me to do xyz?" I can say, "No, but tell Alexa and she will!"

SquirryTheSquirrel · 27/08/2021 19:19

But some on here think that's controlling or harsh

It isn't. You are doing the weekly shop. You are taking responsibility for the meal planning and so on. All he has to do is add his personal items to a list. He's an adult - it's a simple task - he should be able to manage it. If you don't get his stuff, he can go and get it himself - no big deal.

Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:22

@chipsandgin

Stop being a martyr & get him to do it every other week (& save your last minute items for him..). That way either he gets with the programme once he realises how irritating it is or you only have to deal with it 50% of the time. Either way you win.
Our schedules mean it's better got me to do the weekly shop. Tbf he does his fair share but he just doesn't plan anything unless it's fun. He will be all over research for a holiday, day outside, nice meal out etc but boring everyday stuff doesn't register. E.g. there is a load of junk in the shed from a clear out that needs feeding into the bins each fortnight. But if I don't do it the bins would go out half empty each Monday. Then he will say "oh the bin is full, there is stuff in my van I need to go in" when he has had since Friday evening to put it there and I have told him before that I'm going to fill the bins Sunday afternoon.
OP posts:
Workyticket · 27/08/2021 19:23

We use the Alexa shopping list function. We have a few dotted round the house so just add things as we think of them. Even ds adds things he uses the last of and he's 9.

So easy and the list stores in both of our phones for the supermarket

xksismybestletter · 27/08/2021 19:24

I'd be totally fine with this. But I welcome his help in shopping. If I am thinking I say hang on a sec.

I thought you were going to say he never asked you for stuff then moaned, or always asked you while you were reading a book etc. But honestly, contributing to the shopping list "system" at the time you are working on it is not the hill I would choose to die on.

Do you actually like him?

TheUndoingProject · 27/08/2021 19:24

Why stick so rigidly to a system that clearly isn’t working. It’s obviously causing you a lot stress. Just factor in asking him if there’s anything else he needs at the end of the order. Compromise is part of a successful relationship, you’ll descend into resentment otherwise.

Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:27

@TheUndoingProject

Why stick so rigidly to a system that clearly isn’t working. It’s obviously causing you a lot stress. Just factor in asking him if there’s anything else he needs at the end of the order. Compromise is part of a successful relationship, you’ll descend into resentment otherwise.
I would be fine if he waited until the end. It's the randomly telling me stuff when I'm in the middle of checking whether we have the ingredients for a particular meal that gets my goat.
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2021 19:28

Do you meal plan together? We have a list like you that people are meant to add anything used up/running low etc. But when doing the final list there is a last call out for anything else that needs adding on.

I do get annoyed if cooking later in the week and I realise something had been used up by someone else and not added on the list, but I am sure I have forgotten to add things too

Original poster
countrygirl99 · 27/08/2021 19:29

We do prepare the meal plan together.

OP posts:
GreenTortoise · 27/08/2021 19:35

'Train him' Confused you sound a bit OTT.

SunshineCake · 27/08/2021 19:38

My kids know if it isn't on the list then it won't appear in the cupboard, fridge, freezer, etc.

Cyberattack · 27/08/2021 19:38

Sorry but you and your planning sound over-the-top to me. I sympathise with your husband.
On the other hand, I am disorganised and don't plan enough. Horses for courses.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/08/2021 19:46

Don't be so ridiculous. For goodness sake, what a non-issue. Just write it down when he says it, it's no big deal at all.

The nasty replies to other posters weren't warranted either.

On a practical note, I have a similar system to you, but we use Alexa now - you can just ask her to add an item to your shopping list & job done. It's been fantastic for me as the kids just know to add stuff in & I don't need to ask them to write it as before.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/08/2021 19:47

@SunshineCake

My kids know if it isn't on the list then it won't appear in the cupboard, fridge, freezer, etc.
That's fine - but OP's DH is telling her as she's looking at the shopping list & meal planning. So to me, that's fine.

If he didn't tell her at all & expected her just to know, that would be unreasonable, IMO

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 19:47

Surely the simple solution is that you stick to your system through the week then before you go shopping say "does anyone need anything else added to the list?"

Saying "it's not on the list so I'm not buying it" when someone's specifically asked for it makes no sense.

icedcoffees · 27/08/2021 19:54

There's no point sticking to a system that causes you this much stress each week. I mean, if it's pissing you off this much, it's obviously not working, is it?

I do the main food shop in our house too (except I do it online), but the night before it's due to arrive I'll just say to DH "Do you need anything on the food shop?" and if I don't already have it on my list, I just add it.

Likewise, when he does the top-up shops, he'll let me know that he's going and ask if I need anything.

A list is a nice idea but it only works as a system if everyone is on board. It clearly doesn't work for your family so you probably need to work together to see what will work. There's no point sticking to an old system that pisses everyone off!

Eilatan2018 · 27/08/2021 19:58

@countrygirl99

I have a system for planning my weekly shop. It's been the same for years. There is a notepad in the kitchen and during the weeks if you notice a store cupboard item or toiletries etc are getting low you are supposed to write it on the pad. Friday I plan the meals for the week. I go through each meal and make sure we have the ingredients in the cupboard or on the shopping list then add anything else that is on the notepad. That way we should have everything we need. Every bloody week I'll be working my way through the meal plan checking the ingredients and DH will randomly ask for his shower gel or marmite or whatever meaning I loose my train of thought. I've taken to refusing to put it on the shopping lit unless he has written it on the notepad to try and train him. Apparently it is totally unreasonable to expect him to remember to use the system but not unreasonable for him to disrupt my train of thought.

YABU - bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind.
YANBU - make him go without if he doesn't floor hge system.

It’s mildly annoying but you're going way ott…