Every bloody week it's the same

[countrygirl99]

I have a system for planning my weekly shop. It's been the same for years. There is a notepad in the kitchen and during the weeks if you notice a store cupboard item or toiletries etc are getting low you are supposed to write it on the pad. Friday I plan the meals for the week. I go through each meal and make sure we have the ingredients in the cupboard or on the shopping list then add anything else that is on the notepad. That way we should have everything we need. Every bloody week I'll be working my way through the meal plan checking the ingredients and DH will randomly ask for his shower gel or marmite or whatever meaning I loose my train of thought. I've taken to refusing to put it on the shopping lit unless he has written it on the notepad to try and train him. Apparently it is totally unreasonable to expect him to remember to use the system but not unreasonable for him to disrupt my train of thought.

YABU - bless, he's a man it's too complicated for his simple mind.
YANBU - make him go without if he doesn't floor hge system.

You sound a bit controlling, and you’re unnecessarily aggressive towards posters that don’t agree with you, and your AIBU question at the end is sexist and biased.

So for those reasons, YABU

If OP’s do is doing this every week, then he really doesn’t seem to want to even try to help OP out.

OP has taken on the job of doing the weekly shop. That’s their household’s choice, and presumably her DH is onboard with it being her job. It is up to OP to find a system which works for her to be able to do her job, and everyone else can fall in with that system, or go without items they need, or take on the job themselves (in an efficient manner, which actually gets the job done).

It isn’t up to OP to find a system which suits her DH better, or put up with her way of doing things being interrupted every week because her DH can’t be bothered to write on a list midweek.

Everyone saying ‘why can’t you help out your DH, and just put up with his refusal to use your system’ ask yourselves, why can’t the DH get on board with a system that the op has put in place to help her out?

This is the kind of ting my exH would have done. Undermine any attempt by me to try to make a system, and then continually blame me when things aren’t running as smoothly as they could. Oddly enough, everything runs a lot more smoothly now he isn’t here pissing about and ignoring systems and routines.

Just hand the list over to him when you've finished and tell him to add anything he needs.

I guess you can be right or you can be happy. Compromise tends to bring me the latter.

I'm just in awe of all the posters whose partners and children actually do add to the list. We use Alexa. I have ceased to be in the slightest bit sympathetic when DH wails about not having any coffee - he drinks 8 cups a day, if he can't be bothered to notice when it's getting low and put it on the shopping list (I drink at most, one cup a day), it's not my problem.

But I do continue to get infuriated when I come along to use something and it's run out. Classic example is syrup - DH is in charge of pancake making for the kids, usually once a week. It never ceases to amaze me how the one time I do it, is also the time the syrup has run out. Although I suspect it runs out weeks before but no one bothers to tell me so they're all just eating their pancakes with something else.

This is the kind of ting my exH would have done. Undermine any attempt by me to try to make a system, and then continually blame me when things aren’t running as smoothly as they could. Oddly enough, everything runs a lot more smoothly now he isn’t here pissing about and ignoring systems and routines

Everyone suggesting changing the routine hasn't thought that he probably wouldn't go along with that easier. And to be fair how much easier for him can it be.

Others may also missed the part where op said they both work full time, have a house to run , and there's 2 sets if elderly parents to look after. Of course everything is military style. Because how else can it be when you are that busy.

Full time jobs ,4 elderly parents needing a lot of care .You sound very unhappy ,understandably .

You need to work out some way of having down time ,something that brings you a little bit of joy .Or irritations like this will overwhelm you .

Apologies if that's not possible for you .

OP the posters telling you you're harsh or controlling probably have oodles of internalised misogyny that they're in denial about.

You've been doing the lion's share of everything for years. Men's brains aren't simple fickle things. He's intentionally waiting til you're writing your shopping list because he's too lazy to do it himself and he sees it as wifework.

If it's not on the list he doesn't get it.

Quite, Whatwouldscullydo.

It sounds as though OP has a lot on her plate. If part of her coping strategy is getting a system going for the weekly shop, then surely others in e household can fall in with the simple task of writing stuff they need on a list. It doesn’t take much to completely lose track of where you are if you are constantly interrupted, especially if you are already probably running at capacity or multitasking just to stay on an even keel.

Haha, to be honest, I do the same thing your husband does. My BFF and I live together, and we have a notepad for grocery shopping. We add to it through the week, meal plan, etc. Then BFF goes around once a week checking what we need, etc. And while he's doing it, I'll ask him to add XYZ item. He'll either add it or he'll nudge me to check through the list beforehand to add anything I need.

At the end of the day, it's just a list. Not everyone wants to be regimented. I can't stand extreme meal planing and having to fill in a list every week and having things on a strict schedule. I prefer to keep things semi-structured, but flexible. BFF is more into routine and structure. So he brings the sanity and I bring the relief from boredom. Doesn't have to become a major issue of resentment. It's just about appreciating each other.

If it really bothers you that he interrupts you, the system isn't working. Why not get a pad of post-in notes, give it to him as you're finishing the list, and say "write anything you need on that". Then stick the post-it on your notepad when you go to the supermarket.

Sounds to me like he just prefers to collaborate and actually interact vocally with you. I think you could relax a little and he could be more aware.

I mean there's nothing stopping the dh from nipping to the shop on his lunch break to go get deodorant or shower gel. If he hates the list so much why doesn't he by pass it altogether and go get his own stuff 🤔

Me thinks he is quite happy to reap the benefits of ops organisation knowing that she will sort it out when he can't be bothered to move his arse to write something on a list.

I mean if you have enough shower gel to last until a shopping trip then you have at that point had ample opportunity to add it to the list or go get your own and decide to not interrupt your wife when she's busy.

I understand what you mean. It's really annoying. In my household, anyone who is around at the time I compile the plan and the list has to contribute. Any extras have to be in a text, otherwise they don't get bought.

DH does the shopping most weeks. He has his own system and usually remembers if I ask for something extra.
Sorted.

@burritofan

People calling you unreasonable or controlling seem to be missing that you’re doing all the work and your husband is interrupting you. Repeatedly.

This

Absolutely no internalised misogyny and am very aware of it when I observe it and have had it directed at me from women, thank you.

I agree with pp who is astute enough to.sense that perhaps he prefers to collaborate vocally. Not EVERYTHING is a conscious battle, and if one person innocently does things one way, and the other another way, (and they both already contribute and silently compromise on other things already......!!), and for this task their natural ways of thinking/organising don't meet yours, then surely it's not impossible to compromise on her part for that short moment in time!

If he has said what he would like to add at that moment every week, it seems to me that his understanding is that this habit of compromise is accepted, and therefore he continues it.

But a compromise should work fir her too shouldn't it? This doesn't. The husbands " right" to verbally collaborate which would take no less time than writing a few letters on a list and can be dine any time besides that excat moment, seems to trump the ops right to have 5 mins uninterrupted to finish a task they all benefit from.

A compromise would be getting it himself or telling her the day before so she could write it on the list.

Seems he believes his time is more important

Or it could be a case of him remembering when he sees someone doing the shopping list. It’s really not unusual to remember things when you see someone doing the task is it?

Does it really add to any load to ask at the start “does anyone need anything adding to the list?”

If you want an efficient system where things aren’t forgotten it needs to work for everyone!

I'd say it needs to work fir the person shopping, and doing it. Its not fair the one evening off from looking after parents or whatever is spent heading to shops because no one can be bothered tomupdate a list. Again how much easier do they want it.

Its one teeny tiny request that she's covered all other aspects of to enable them to not have to worry about it and to do whatever they need or want to do. And they can't do it. Its just rude. And selfish akd disrespectful tbh. I bet he'd be resentful if op interrupted him mowing the.lawn every 5 mins and made something that takes 20 mins take an hour and a half.

Meal plan together write list when he's not there?

...if this is the system that works for your family, minimises mental load spent thinking about it and makes life easier for YOU, the one who is doing the shopping, then yes he needs to stick to it unless he plans to do it all and do it right!

Except none of that applies here.
The list requires intense concentration.
The meal planning process means ingredients of the meals for the week ahead must be bought, and the planning apparently demands military precision.
Interruptions to ask that certain items be added to the list cause anger, resentment, and feelings of contempt.
The mental load is maximised.
The friction and aggravation are maximised.
It all sounds like an immensely complicated production.
The idea of doing the weekly shop 'right' apparently means 'doing the weekly shop the OP's way'. There are hundreds of perfectly adequate ways of getting to the supermarket with a list and home with everything the family needs to keep them going for a week. Not one 'right' way.
The difficulties are all predictable and avoidable, but the running battle has been going on for years.

Life.Is.Too.Short.

Surely if you're cooking every day you already have a very good idea what ingredients you've got without having to go through a complex checking process every week?

YY to this - is there no running mental tally of tins of tomatoes, containers of herbs, number of packets of frozen meat, etc you can refer to?

Others may also missed the part where op said they both work full time, have a house to run , and there's 2 sets if elderly parents to look after. Of course everything is military style. Because how else can it be when you are that busy.

Lots of women hold down full time jobs and take care of households. Some are single parents. I have five DCs myself, and have done the two parent and single parent household routines, the latter while working full time.

It doesn't have to be a case of military precision, and with so much on the OP's plate, the idea of cooking every evening of the week is ludicrous.

Identify 6 or 7 meals that are really easy to make and use ingredients that are easy to come by and buy in bulk once a month - cans of tomatoes, frozen spinach, cream, garlic, frozen veg, rice, pasta, couscous, chicken stock, beef stock, a variety of lean meats, canned beans of various kinds, fish, seasonings that go with a lot of dishes. Make a big pot of something easy twice a week and eat it every evening until it's gone. Rotate the recipes every three weeks or so. Job done.

Make a big pot of something easy twice a week and eat it every evening until it's gone.

That's the theory.
But the facts are - big pot of something delicious - gone the first night. Bit pot of something not so delicious - last for ages, every one moaning and filling up with bread, fruit, cheese, cereal ruining the supplies for the rest of the week.....

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I can’t imagine this set up! If you are working, or talking to someone on the phone, or going to the loo, or doing your fake tan, or having a bath, or reading a book, or anything really that doesn’t involve your husband, does he interrupt then? Surely there’s a time and place for doing your list undisturbed and away from the annoying interruptions 🙂

In that case he wouldn't his stuff would he.

@mathanxiety

Surely if you're cooking every day you already have a very good idea what ingredients you've got without having to go through a complex checking process every week?

YY to this - is there no running mental tally of tins of tomatoes, containers of herbs, number of packets of frozen meat, etc you can refer to?

We share the cooking and we have a very wide repertoire. So no, it doesn't work like that