AIBU to tell you that my husband is a twat?

[PackedUp2]

Just need to rant sorry!

My husband treats me like a maid there to service him and his needs and I am SICK OF IT.

Tonight's argument - I have asked him so many times to please clear his pockets before he puts things in the washing basket because I don't always have time to go through everything (on maternity with our baby and I'm knackered!). Anyway lo and behold he didn't again and his car key was put through the washing machine 🤷‍♀️ lots of blame on me of course, "is it really so hard to check his pockets for him" etc... Then lots of adamant "you're buying me a new one, you're sorting this out", "where are your keys I'm going to go run them under the tap" etc...

This is just one thing but it's just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I've packed up me and baby whilst he was in the shower and I'm at my mum's house who's on holiday.

I wouldn't even mind if he was like "my keys broken now but I know you told me to check pockets so I'm sorry I forgot" I'd have probably then apologised for not checking as well. But it's the total unwillingness to accept ANY blame. It's all my fault and now I'm apparently definitely paying for a new one for him or he'll wash my car keys as well (his wife on maternity getting next to no money).

I'm sat in my mum's empty house with a crying 6 month old. Happy Friday to me.

@Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit21

Your husbands being unreasonable asking you to pay for his key but you are also being unreasonable not checking pockets. It really doesn't take that long to do it.

Really? If it does t take that long then her DH shouldn't have a problem doing it then should he?

All adults do their own washing in this house which means me and DH have never, ever had a row about laundry.

He's a massive twat and I would be making contingency plans to leave if his attitude and behaviour continues. Are you going back to work after ML and do you have access to all the family finances?

I told my family in no uncertain terms many years ago (after a washed Ipod) that I would not, never have and never will check pockets. If you are privileged enough to have someone else wash your clothes for you then you check your own pockets.

I was absolutely incensed at the time because it was not my child's clothes or Ipod that were washed it was my friend's. We were on holiday together and took it in turns to load the washing machine. She HANDED me the clothes that could go into the machine on the shared dark wash and then went ballistic with me because I didn't check her son's pockets.

A row followed and my DC & DH knew then never to leave cherished items in pockets.

..... and if any coins appear in the machine after a cycle they're mine to keep.

@PackedUp2

Thanks everyone. I ordered food and turned my phone off. Luckily DS slept like a dream so I feel good this morning.

H has apologised and said he was feeling rubbish and tired after his vaccine yesterday and shouldn't have reacted like that. It's half arsed though because he still thinks I should be checking pockets as well. It doesn't matter though now as I'm not washing his stuff anymore.

Someone asked why can't he use his spare key... Because HE lost it ages ago 🤦‍♀️

The washed key still works, it's just the buttons that don't so he has to lock and unlock it manually.

I'm back home but I'm going out today to a friend's.

It was me that asked about the spare key, so he lost his, was that your fault too? Tell him to order a new key out of his money and be taught it's his responsibility to look after his belongings.

Personally I wouldn't have gone back on a half hearted apology, and certainly wouldn't go back without new rules in place (and those rules being he does 50% housework and 50% child care

Personally I wouldn't have gone back on a half hearted apology

The apology was when I got home, I don't really have much of a choice right now as DS needs his things and I couldn't pack everything, I just threw enough in a bag for the night. I am going out for the day today though.

"where are your keys I'm going to go run them under the tap"

Remember this. Think on it.

I was once in an abusive relationship and this stuck out to me. Sometimes comments like this are the start of that slippery slope.

and if any coins appear in the machine after a cycle they're mine to keep
As well as recently washing a new phone, I also keep any money I find. A twenty pound note and fiver have been recent finds. Quite a few pound coins each year. And these are after stuffs been washed because I dont check pockets.

My husband used to accidentally leave tissues in his pockets. I absolutely refuse to check pockets because if I do, I'll possibly end up grabbing someone's used snotty tissue!!! Why the hell would I want to touch that?!

Years ago I told DH I do not check pockets. On the odd occasions he left tissue in, he was responsible for getting the wet tissue off the load, cleaning the washer and rewashing everything. Thankfully my DH isn't an idiot and also does his fair share of household chores so he realised it was his problem, not mine.

I think it's such a shame that so many men have been raised by mums (and yes, it's generally women who raise these men to be like this because if it were their fathers doing it, there wouldn't be the expectation that women are maids) who have encouraged this attitude. I am raising my daughters and son to be responsible no matter their sex. My daughters are not to be expected to cook and clean while my DS gets traditionally male chores or no chores.

My own MIL rages about the fact that as a child, she had to take care of the family while her mum worked. She had to clean, cook dinners, get the siblings ready for school, do the laundry and even get the shopping in. Meanwhile, her 4 brothers, both younger AND OLDER, were waited on. And yet MIL raised her own kids similarly. Her daughter, (my SIL) left home at 18 knowing how to cook, sew, use a mop and bucket, how to use the washer etc and yet my DH left home at the grand old age of 26 and had to learn everything when I moved him in with me.

I would think long and hard about whether you want to stay in this RL or not .He sounds like a total twat ! The point is if he wont take any responsibility for his actions then it will not get better .

I do check my dh's pockets, and he does leave stuff in them (not keys/phones, more masks/tissues/notes/the odd coin). BUT this is fine because a) his response is always sheepishly apologetic when I mention it, b) he more than pulls his weight in the house (up first to make 3 dc's lunches/50/50 on cleaning and cooking/does almost all the food shopping etc - despite intense FT OTH job while I work fewer hrs from home). If either one of those weren't the case, my response would be very different.

Quite right, OP, never to do a shred of his washing again, barring extreme extenuating circumstances (of the broken leg/debilitating norovirus order), and to avoid him for a bit while he hopefully thinks. A stern sit-down conversation needs to happen too IMO.

his wife on maternity getting next to no money

Do you have separate finances? Make sure you don't take on 100% of the childcare and housework if he keeps all his income to himself after bills.

You need equal opportunity to earn money (after mat leave), which means he pulls his weight with the chores.

He is a twat, and yes he should check his pockets, and maybe a second check is a good idea. However this is really the issue.. it sounds like there are greater problems in your partnership.

You need to decide whether this relationship is for you.

You not washing his clothes anymore (which I can of course understand) does not contribute to a good foundation to improve the relationship. You should be doing things for eachother and the chores should be shared. His attitude is lazy and selfish.

He sounds awful.

As for trouser pockets, I have this argument with my kids and if they haven’t emptied the pockets I call them over to the washing pile and they have to do it if they want the item washed. And they’re not even adults. Your H is a nasty, entitled, bullying, misogynist twat to think this is somehow your job and you should be punished if you fail.

OP and you don’t have to put up with this

People droning on about laundry are missing the point. OPs husband is vile, nasty and a dreadful role model for the kid.

@Cocomarine

I would leave someone who threatened to damage my car key in retaliation. What a nasty piece of shit.

Parenting is hard, relationships are hard, I would probably forgive petty shit blaming you for not looking (not that you should) in heat of the moment frustration or new parent tiredness.

But that’s quite a nasty threat, isn’t it?

I’d stay put at your mum’s until you’ve had a chance to talk through everything about how he treats you, with a trusted person.

If he’s an arsehole and today is the day you took your stand, then actually yes - in a way, it is happy Friday

I agree I would leave especially if this is an example of standard behaviour for him. These sorts of threats are abusive. Sounds like a massive narcissist

Id say, consider leaving the relationship, that's basically appears to be unreasonable behaviour

Years ago, while on mat leave, a friend of mine lost her car key and her husband made her pay out of what little "own" money she had to replace it. He was vile about how she could be so stupid as to lose it. It turned up months later, tucked inside a kids toy that came apart. Thinking of how his behaviour became abusive, I do wonder if he hid it rather than the child.

He has given you an insight into his character. I'm not saying LTB, but just bear it in mind in case it's the beginning of a pattern.

@SpeakingFranglais

I told my family in no uncertain terms many years ago (after a washed Ipod) that I would not, never have and never will check pockets. If you are privileged enough to have someone else wash your clothes for you then you check your own pockets.

I was absolutely incensed at the time because it was not my child's clothes or Ipod that were washed it was my friend's. We were on holiday together and took it in turns to load the washing machine. She HANDED me the clothes that could go into the machine on the shared dark wash and then went ballistic with me because I didn't check her son's pockets.

A row followed and my DC & DH knew then never to leave cherished items in pockets.

..... and if any coins appear in the machine after a cycle they're mine to keep.

I want to know how your friendship was after that? Were you expected to replace the iPod? Did you?

People droning on about laundry are missing the point.

They're generally pointing out how his attitude to the laundry is indicative of his nasty nature, which is the point.

People often leave abuse partners or start to understand the problem in a relationship because of small actions, because of straws that break the camel's back. Of course this is not "about laundry", it's about everything but the laundry is a clear example.

abusive partners sorry

excuses though i said this because............

instead of just apologising forbbeing a twat and hes still blaming you

Well, duh (whoever took the time to quote me). But clearly posters have missed the obvious and are typing out paragraphs about their own laundry.

My ex was the same. The last straw was when his dog peed on the kitchen floor and he stood in it. Of course it was all my fault. He took my brand new trainers I'd just gotten that day out of their box and scrubbed them through the dog wee, because if his trainers were ruined then so were mine. Absolutely awful way to live

I am so delighted for you he is an ex. What a nasty piece of work

For me it's not so much the checking of pockets it's him blaming you and threatening retaliation.
He sounds like a complete twat.
Personally I always check pockets out of habit, it wouldn't even cross my oh's mind to check his pockets (or pick his knickers up off the bathroom radiator, christ knows why he leaves them there)
However, if something of his went through the wash he'd hold his hands up and take the blame, never would he blame me.
We both work full time, oh works nights /shift work so is not always on the ball but does pull his weight when he's at home.
Stay at your mums, draw a line in the sand