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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell you that my husband is a twat?

228 replies

PackedUp2 · 27/08/2021 18:12

Just need to rant sorry!

My husband treats me like a maid there to service him and his needs and I am SICK OF IT.

Tonight's argument - I have asked him so many times to please clear his pockets before he puts things in the washing basket because I don't always have time to go through everything (on maternity with our baby and I'm knackered!). Anyway lo and behold he didn't again and his car key was put through the washing machine 🤷‍♀️ lots of blame on me of course, "is it really so hard to check his pockets for him" etc... Then lots of adamant "you're buying me a new one, you're sorting this out", "where are your keys I'm going to go run them under the tap" etc...

This is just one thing but it's just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I've packed up me and baby whilst he was in the shower and I'm at my mum's house who's on holiday.

I wouldn't even mind if he was like "my keys broken now but I know you told me to check pockets so I'm sorry I forgot" I'd have probably then apologised for not checking as well. But it's the total unwillingness to accept ANY blame. It's all my fault and now I'm apparently definitely paying for a new one for him or he'll wash my car keys as well (his wife on maternity getting next to no money).

I'm sat in my mum's empty house with a crying 6 month old. Happy Friday to me.

OP posts:
JohnStonesMissus · 27/08/2021 23:45

Why are some men like this? What makes them think that behaving like a total dickhead to their wife is ok? Just because you're at home with a baby is being lazy (in his eyes). Sorry OP I'm not much help but I read about men like this on MN time and time again it makes me so cross for you.

a1poshpaws · 27/08/2021 23:45

I've only read responses up to page 4 as I'm overtired and need to sleep, but just have to say I agree with a previous poster - HUGE red flag. I think you really need to decide why you're with him (because he sounds unloveable) and whether you want your wee one to grow up with a father who abuses his mother with threats and emotional cruelty besides being a complete bellend as a role model. Will be saying a wee prayer for you and your DS tonight. Be strong!

Rainbowsew · 27/08/2021 23:46

How can he "make you pay"? Surely that would impact him too as it would come out of the family money?

And how will washing yours make things even?

He sounds like a 12 year old arguing with his brother not a father who cares about his family...

PickAChew · 27/08/2021 23:49

Is it really hard to check pockets?

Well apparently it's too hard for you, dh.

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2021 23:50

@messybun101

What a twat. He text to see where you were but not to ask how you are, apologise or check in on DC. What a fucking twat.
This. I’d reply dc is fine and well looked after as always, clearly you were worried. Not sure we are coming back. Definitely not until we have rearranged finances and I’m never doing your washing again.
PickAChew · 27/08/2021 23:57

I have a fairly decent dh, BTW. Back in the day he left an mp3 player in his pocket, (remember those) which resulted in shard of the screen shredding half the load. I made it clear how fucking inconvenient that was and that I would not start to check his pockets and the rest of his laundry, as a result.

It wasn't the last mp3 player he lost. Even today, I washed a sock that came out in the same tight ball it went in. If he doesn't care, neither do I

EatAllDay · 28/08/2021 00:08

He has spoken to you badly and treated you badly. But you married him for a reason. You need some serious chats and possibly couples counselling. I hope you can make up, especially as you have a new baby together. You’re probably both sleep deprived. Would he go to counselling? Hope you’re not too upset to sleep tonight

MCbatcommander · 28/08/2021 00:16

Ugh! Complete taunt badger and tell him to do his own laundry. Get Him laundry basket to ram the point home!!

PopcornMuncher · 28/08/2021 00:21

I wouldn't consider couples counseling. I think he is abusive.

Newmum29 · 28/08/2021 00:29

Don’t wash his clothes anymore. Sounds like a pillock.

Cerebelle · 28/08/2021 00:36

I can't imagine a partner speaking to me like that. I would never be able to get over it and respect them again. I would LTB.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/08/2021 00:39

He is a twat, you should leave him for good because he is arrogant and will never get any better.

My ex used to put all his trousers in the machine with tissues in the pocket and all of the laundry would be covered in white fluff - I had 20 years of that and it was the final straw.

LakieLady · 28/08/2021 00:48

@1WayOrAnother2

Well, after those threats and criticisms, I wouldn't be washing any of his clothes again... far too risky. One problem in your life solved and one less task on the list.

Perhaps you could go further. Are you sure that he is a valuable part of your life? He sounds weak and childish (in a bad way).

I certainly wouldn't do any of his washing after that! Has he always been like this, or has he only started treating you like a skivvy since you've been on mat leave?

I think you should let him know you're staying somewhere while he learns to behave like a reasonable human being, and that you and baby are safe and have everything you need. You don't want him to report you missing or anything and he's plainly a bit stupid so he might just do that.

@MusicTeacherSussex, that's a wonderful story and an excellent result. Grin

Bipbopboo66 · 28/08/2021 00:48

He's a fuckwit
Kids here are told to empty pockets.
Any destroyed stuff. Own fault.
Tissues. They re wash.

Get rid

OnTheBoardwalk · 28/08/2021 00:51

Yep he’s a twat but I don’t like that word, I much prefer he’s a cunt

Most I would expect in this situation is a FFS at himself not you. Him wanting to damage your key is just wrong

Enz1988 · 28/08/2021 00:58

He’s a grown man. You’re not his maid. Why are you doing all the washing on maternity leave? You’ve just grown and pushed a baby out of your body and he’s leaving you to do everything after that. He doesn’t deserve you and he sounds like a complete narc. Is he a mommy’s boy by any chance. All was done for him and excuses made for him so he can’t take responsibility for shit!!!!

ZenNudist · 28/08/2021 01:00

Well done for leaving. He's very nasty. Hopefully thus will give him the kick he needs to change. Perhaps get into counselling when / if you go back. Personally I think life would be better without him. Does he have redeeming features?

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2021 01:23

It’s not just the washing people. The op is obviously getting by on some kind of mat leave income without him contributing more, while she’s staying home with the child they had together. In my view that’s an instant dealbreaker.

NotJuryDutyAgain · 28/08/2021 01:40

I wouldn't stay with someone who treated me like that.

DH is forgetful. He frequently leaves things in his pockets, and because I know this and am the one who does the laundry in our home, I always check everyone's pockets. But if I ever forgot or missed something, he would never speak to me that way, because he's not a disrespectful, uncaring jerk.

For now, I'd message to tell him you're both safe but you need space after his tantrum, then ignore him for the rest of the night. When you see him again, I'd give him an ultimatum and a chance to improve, but honestly, I'd be shocked if he can manage it. It's not easy to change who you are on such a basic level.

AliensEverywhere · 28/08/2021 01:52

This is terrible @PackedUp2! Shock

I would let him know that you and baby are fine but not tell him where you are for the moment.

Is he abusive in other ways?

I'd be seriously considering what I wanted mine and my child's life to look like in the future and compare that to how life is at the moment.

If he's treating you like this regularly then it would be better for you and the little one to be without him and his anger.

AngelDelightUk · 28/08/2021 06:29

Don’t tell him where you are. Just ignore him for now. He doesn’t deserve to know where you are

Coffeeonmytoffee · 28/08/2021 06:47

He's a twat.
I washed my car keys and they were fine - I know that's not the point but...!

Have a nice time at your mum's and forget him for a few days.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 28/08/2021 06:48

Long term solution - is don't do his washing

Sexnotgender · 28/08/2021 07:01

He’s a class A twat.

Why do I suspect this is just a tiny insight into his twattery. Do you want to live like this OP?

StoppinBy · 28/08/2021 07:04

Yes, you're husband is a total twat.

It is his responsibility to empty his pockets.