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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell you that my husband is a twat?

228 replies

PackedUp2 · 27/08/2021 18:12

Just need to rant sorry!

My husband treats me like a maid there to service him and his needs and I am SICK OF IT.

Tonight's argument - I have asked him so many times to please clear his pockets before he puts things in the washing basket because I don't always have time to go through everything (on maternity with our baby and I'm knackered!). Anyway lo and behold he didn't again and his car key was put through the washing machine 🤷‍♀️ lots of blame on me of course, "is it really so hard to check his pockets for him" etc... Then lots of adamant "you're buying me a new one, you're sorting this out", "where are your keys I'm going to go run them under the tap" etc...

This is just one thing but it's just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I've packed up me and baby whilst he was in the shower and I'm at my mum's house who's on holiday.

I wouldn't even mind if he was like "my keys broken now but I know you told me to check pockets so I'm sorry I forgot" I'd have probably then apologised for not checking as well. But it's the total unwillingness to accept ANY blame. It's all my fault and now I'm apparently definitely paying for a new one for him or he'll wash my car keys as well (his wife on maternity getting next to no money).

I'm sat in my mum's empty house with a crying 6 month old. Happy Friday to me.

OP posts:
PheasantsNest · 27/08/2021 18:52

You've made a massive mistake. You should have packed his things and told him to go.

Eralos · 27/08/2021 18:53

You’re married isn’t in joint money? (This is beside the point) he’s a twat. Tell him you and your son are safe and you don’t want to see him.

Mumoblue · 27/08/2021 18:53

He sounds like a complete knobhead.
You do not need someone so childish, thoughtless and spiteful in your life.
Stay at your mums, get rid of him and then he can wash his own fucking trousers, car keys and all.

It really makes my blood boil how many men expect their wives to be their fucking mummies.

MilduraS · 27/08/2021 18:54

You have my sympathies! I can't count the number of times keys, lighters, money etc have gone through our washing machine. Thankfully DH has always apologised rather than blamed me for it. He did once complain that I left his T-shirt's inside out when I folded them but after a sharp "well unturn them yourself if it's a problem" he decided not to complain again. Now if only I could teach him not to ask "what's for dinner"

minionsrule · 27/08/2021 18:54

Don't tell him where you are, just say you don't want to see him right now and want some space to decide your next steps.
Make him sweat.... oh then turn your phone off

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2021 18:57

I would tell him you and the baby are elsewhere and won’t be home tonight.

thistimelastweek · 27/08/2021 18:58

I go a length if anyone leaves a tissue in a pocket pre-laundry. Invariably they apologise. Never think to blame me.
Your husband is an arse.
Do not go back there without a very clear understanding about respectful boundaries.

thistimelastweek · 27/08/2021 19:01

@MilduraS the only response to 'what's for dinner?' is 'wait and see pie.'
Repeat as necessary.

FlyingPandas · 27/08/2021 19:01

Yup a definite arse OP. Please tell me he’s not also limiting your access to family funds on the grounds that ‘it’s his money and he’s earned it’ whilst you are on limited maternity pay? Whilst also expecting you to contribute your full 50:50 as well as cover all baby related expenses? He sounds like the type, though I hope I’m wrong. Sorry you and baby are in this situation Flowers

80Dodgeballs · 27/08/2021 19:02

The last time my partner spoke to me like I was dirt on his shoe I resolved to never wash his clothes for him again. I had two babies and he complained about the mess when he got in from work. I hadn't stopped that day and he never lifted a finger to help with any of it. So I freed up time to tidy up by not washing his clothes. I never told him, I just stopped doing it.

In your shoes, that is what I would do too. You can't wash his clothes just in case you make that awful mistake again! Grin I'd also make him sweat and not respond to his message until later, much later.

Wineandroses3 · 27/08/2021 19:02

I would not tell him where you are, he will probably guess though that you have gone to your mums. Has he got a key to your mums? If he has put the chain on the door cos you don’t want him coming in. What’s the situation regarding your house? Do you jointly own it or rent? All I can say is men like this never change. If he thinks he’s going to loose you he will start acting “all nice” but it will never last I promise you. Decide now if you want this life with him , If you don’t then get rid xx

Original poster
PackedUp2 · 27/08/2021 19:04

Part of me feels like just continuing to fold up his dirty clothes and put them back in his drawers from now on see how long until he notices.

OP posts:
FoxesAtDawn · 27/08/2021 19:04

Don’t tell him where you are but do say you are safe with loved ones and don’t want to talk right now. Then disengage for the night and do something that will make you feel good (I vote Friday night takeaway, a comedy show and a glass of wine).

hellcatspangle · 27/08/2021 19:06

He is indeed a massive twat.

RuggerHug · 27/08/2021 19:07

I only hope you grabbed the spare key if he has one as you left. If stuff is in the pockets here, cash=stupid tax it's mine now, anything else that gets ruined, your own fault for not checking. Yanbu.

JJ1993 · 27/08/2021 19:09

Just tell him to grow up, if he wanted a mummy then he can move back in with his own 🤷 you're his other half, his equal. You've already got 1 baby to look after, can't look after him too. And he should sort the keys out himself, considering he knew they were in there when he took them off. My partner left stuff in his pocket when i put them in the wash too, i told him i'm not checking his pockets, he has to, and he does, he knew it was his fault.

Rainbowshine · 27/08/2021 19:12

If you don’t want him knowing where you are make sure any location services on your phone are off and the Find My Phone app isn’t linked to his phone or other devices.

Statistics show that abusive behaviour escalates around pregnancy/maternity leave so it’s troubling that he’s being financially abusive and talking about damaging your property.

I’d reply saying me and baby are safe and you’re taking time to reflect on today’s events.

Hope you’re ok OP.

pictish · 27/08/2021 19:12

Another vote for complete twat. Clear out your own pockets you fucking baby.

mineofuselessinformation · 27/08/2021 19:22

My XH behaved like that. Everything that went wrong was my fault. Note the X.

VenusTiger · 27/08/2021 19:23

You must tell him your arrangements OP, he has a right to know where his child is - so tell him you're staying with family overnight (even if it's for longer) and that you'll speak to him in the morning as you're busy getting baby settled for bed.

I do all the laundry in our house, but that's because I choose to - it was a joint decision. I check all pockets, but mostly for tissues that wreck everything else.
He shouldn't have been so hard on you OP, you've a baby to care for and it's bloody knackering (I had one night off!!) so you've done the right thing getting out of his way tonight.
You need to agree on what responsibilities you have as a couple - they are HIS car keys and he should be responsible for them, not you.

proudwomansexmatters · 27/08/2021 19:25

"I'm at my mums which is where I will stay until you appreciate what a twat you are and understand and realise that I am not your maid or the home help. You can FTFO with your shitty attitude and fuck back off to 1923.
Don't bother coming round unless it's to apologise

Regularsizedrudy · 27/08/2021 19:29

Do not stay with this arsehole. Please.

EmilyEmmabob · 27/08/2021 19:29

He sounds like an arsehole, I'd tell him where I was though just because of the baby. If he was willing to be so petty and childish in wanting revenge over the car key then I wouldn't put it past him to do something equally ridiculous over not knowing where the baby is, I wouldn't want to provoke him.

However, I wouldn't be going back. He sounds like he expects you to be his mother. Why on earth are you folding and putting his laundry away? Expecting you the check his pockets is ridiculous. Does he take responsibility for anything?

pictish · 27/08/2021 19:35

Threatening to wash your keys by way of revenge tells all…just to think that way at all…very spiteful.

Penistoe · 27/08/2021 19:38

I would text him as if you are missing with the baby he may contact your mum and worry her. A simple me and the baby are fine. I am fed up with being treated like a maid and spoken to like you did. I am taking some time to re-evaluate the relationship and decide what I want to do.

Then order takeaway and ignore.