To leave my children in the house for 2ish hours in the early evenings at 14 and 11?

[schoolsoutforever]

Hello, my first time actually creating a thread but I would appreciate reasonable opinions.

Up until now I haven't really left my children often on their own but recently the older child has been in the house for a while (few hours) on her own and the younger for short periods (45 mins ish).

My husband and I would enjoy early evening drinks in the pub (approx 5ish - 7ish).

Would we be unfair leaving them to do this? My daughter is 14 in a week, son 11.5. The pub is less than 5 mins walk. We would be having max two drinks. So AIBU?

No issue with this at all. As with a PP we go out, and DD will join us if she wants to.

Go for it!

@Ski4130

Seriously? People are 'askance' at the OP thinking of leaving her children for a quiet drink with her dh? Why? Either your children can be left, or they can't, where you are makes zero difference! In fact, if I went to the pub, I'd be closer to home than if I went to work!

Quite.

'askance' indeed.

@Idontbelieveit14

Not for the pub

Why not?

I mean I'm not a pub goer myself apart from going for a meal, but I can't see the issue. I doubt the op and her husband are going to get steaming drunk at tea time.

Of course it’s fine. Don’t give it another thought!

Shocking, OP. Children shouldn’t be left alone at home until they are at least 35, and even then only for morally irreproachable activities such as attending church, or volunteering at a soup kitchen.

If someone's 11 year old and 14 year old can't be left alone at home together for 2 hrs in the early evening something has gone seriously awry with your parenting

I dont think I'd have put it quite as trenchantly as this. But it's right.

I agree that NT secondary age DC should be safe for a couple of hours home alone early evening. And by 14 for longer than just a couple of hours.

I was wondering if the posters saying 'don't do it' have secondary age DC

Yes I would say absolutely fine. Arguably no more risky than the 11 year old walking a couple of miles home from school which was what mine was doing from Y7 onwards.

At 11, DD was coming home alone after school, letting herself in, making herself a snack and doing homework before settling down to watch tv until I got home. 5th class, 3 times a week.

But that was only after we had been building up slowly over a period of months to her coming home alone and increasing independence anyway, and a crisis with bullying in both school and afterschool club meant that instead of getting home at 5.30 and me arriving in at 5.45, she now needed to come home alone at 3.30pm as above. So she was already comfortable with all elements of what was needed, and responsible enough for herself, knew the neighbours to knock if she had a problem, knew our numbers to call from her own phone/housephone if necessary, and neighbours knew she was doing this so would be ready to help if necessary.

Only you know if your DCs are capable and independent enough for this, and if you have the right supports in place for them. But it's probably a good age to start building up their independence generally, whatever your motivation for doing it.

I can’t see the issue with this, my mum allowed me to town alone when I turned 13. And I was going miles to school and back alone at 11.

A couple of hours for a drink and some crisps in the pub every now and then is perfectly fine.

admit, I’m a bit askance at you leaving them to go to the pub, as opposed to being at work or something.

Yes, god forbid people actually have a social life

I'd say you know your kids best.

I've been working up to more independence slowly (as I'm sure you have), and my kids (11 & 13) are now fine to be in by themselves for a couple of hours.

They know how to contact me and I check in with them.

My main concern is them fighting more than any other safety worry, but they know that if I hear it's bad then I'll come home.

That's enough of a threat to make them behave well!

Can't see the issue.

I'm a secondary teacher and during lockdown, both parents working out of the home all day was not a sufficient reason for sending a child in to school. It was expected that a secondary aged child could be expected to stay home alone for a 9-5 working day (+travel).

So, if an 11 year old can manage a whole day, I really can't see why they couldn't do an evening by themselves.

Of course it's ok.
I think it's weird that people are saying "if, if if " about it, presumably the OP is not an idiot and we are talking about normal and capable 14 and 11 year olds.

I really want to hear people's reasoning for saying it's ok for work reasons but not the pub ! Really what's the difference?

14 year old, absolutely definitely fine, would be a worry if they weren't capable to be left at home for a few hours in the evening at that age, frankly.

11 year old, a bit more on the cusp, but I would say fine as 5-7pm - so before it gets dark and 14 year old is also there.

The only thing that I would look out for is the relationship between the 2, and making 14 year old responsible for 11 year old. If they get on well, then fine, but if 14 year old is likely to pick on younger sib, or 11 year old likely to deliberately wind up/bug older sib, then perhaps best to leave if a little longer, or bring the younger one with you.

And going to the pub is fine! It is far, far better parenting to gradually give them opportunities to learn to be independent safely than it is to mollycoddle them and then suddenly expect them to behave responsibly when you finally cut the apron strings at 16/18.

shitzngiggles it's the Puritan element that never quite went away.

We occasionally do with youngest dd is 14 youngest son is 12 next week , the pub is literally 200 meters away and we are never more than 2 hours .my daughter will be watching friends my son will be on xbox. They both have a phone to contact in an emergency. Sometimes that might be the only time to have a bit of a date night in the month the rest of the time is spent working and doing for the kids.

Go have a bit of a relax with your husband !! Absolutely fine .... some of these holier than thou parents on Mumsnet are really infuriating. Enjoy yourself op .

I am Methuselah
I am 900 years old
My DC are 850 and 848
I have not left them for even a nanosecond for anything other than self flagellation
Do I win?

I babysat my younger cousins during the summer holidays when I was 13 and was left alone before and after school from the age of 9 (single mom who worked full-time). 14 and 11 will be fine for a couple of hours. Enjoy your drinks!

This is absolutely fine in my book.
I really can’t see any issue at all and I’m quite risk adverse.

@Triffid1

I don't understand the posters who say yes if it's for work and no for the pub? Either your children are able to be left alone or they're not. they don't magically get more responsible/less scared because it's work vs you and your DH having a quiet drink. And arguably, the local is a lot closer and a lot easier for you to rush home from if necessary. (the first time my parents left me and brother at home alone for the evening, we accidentally knocked the TV over as we were trying to move it and I had a small cut on my face. Parents were home 15 minutes later as they'd just gone for dinner. That was a lot quicker than they'd ever have been able to get home from work).

OP, I think it's fine at this age. I regularly leave 10 year old for a couple of hours so 11/.5 seems perfectly fine to me.

Yeah exactly, no logic what so ever. As long as the children get on well together then I really see no issue at that age. I was babysitting actually babies and toddlers at 14

@Hobnobswantshernameback

I am Methuselah I am 900 years old My DC are 850 and 848 I have not left them for even a nanosecond for anything other than self flagellation Do I win?

Only if they're still wearing crisp white babygrows.

I haven't taken my eyes off of them since the moment of their conception and have done nothing for my own personal pleasure and enjoyment since I was a foetus
Where do I get my Mumsnet best parent badge