How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

I should say , we provide materials and clubs for the diorama making so all students are fully resourced so it's not an issue of money/time/parental support

Homework tears is common too, and a pp who said their child was scared of getting it wrong. Lots of them have this, PETRIFIED of being told off, even at the smallest level "be quiet and face the front" can cause outbursts of anxiety or tears.
Poor kids. I think we need a year of normality now, no more lockdowns or isolating. The good thing about it is that with good routine and consistency kids bounce back so quickly. O cant wait to get going again in September and it hopefully just be bloody NORMAL

all DarkDarkNight

Bright/lazy/ handwriting / crying over homework are all dyslexic traits

Look it up

@DarkDarkNight

I wish I knew. My 8 year old boy is bright but lazy. Can not be bothered, untidy handwriting, tears every time getting him to do homework.

I have a couple of people on my Facebook who post about their kids and put endless smug comments about their parenting like ‘you get out what you put in’ and ‘#goodparenting’ 🤢 as if they’re the only parent in the world who reads to their child or helps with homework.

I have a friend who said her son was the same throughout primary but something clicked at secondary and he did his homework and revised so that’s what I’m hoping for.

"You get out what you put in" is such bullshit. So smug and so ignorant.

I'm actually quite a lazy parent. DD gets lots of love, but I'm no model parent by any stretch of the imagination. I'd love to take credit for how she has turned out, but I can't...I reckon the best claim I can make is that I haven't managed to fuck her up in any major way. DD just makes me look like a much better parent than I am. For which I am eternally grateful 🙏 but not terribly deserving.

Dh did as well as it is possible to do academically and played sport at county level as a teen. His parents both left school at 16 played no sport and no one in his family had even been to university he got into Oxbridge from a state school with pretty much zero pushy parenting or academic support from parents (sone amazing teachers though).

Still slightly annoys me that in laws dont seem to realise how well he’s done and seem to think getting into Oxford to read law then getting a top City job is just what everyone does! They certainly haven’t got out what they put in! The most positive thing fil has ever said about Dh was that he “wasn’t any trouble” 😁

@MsTSwift

Dh did as well as it is possible to do academically and played sport at county level as a teen. His parents both left school at 16 played no sport and no one in his family had even been to university he got into Oxbridge from a state school with pretty much zero pushy parenting or academic support from parents (sone amazing teachers though).

Still slightly annoys me that in laws dont seem to realise how well he’s done and seem to think getting into Oxford to read law then getting a top City job is just what everyone does! They certainly haven’t got out what they put in! The most positive thing fil has ever said about Dh was that he “wasn’t any trouble” 😁

That made me smile. I had a friend at Cambridge who came from a very non-academic background. His parents were utterly bemused by his decision to study what they regarded as a "pointless" subject and were infinitely prouder of his dsis getting into the local secretarial college because they felt that a secretarial course had much better job prospects. He is now an eminent scholar in his field, but at nearly fifty, I think his parents have long since given up hope of him getting a "proper job". Luckily, he sees the humorous side of this and still gets on very well with his family, but I guess it does underline the fact that we all measure success in very different ways!

My eldest is very, very focused, ambitious and confident and has always had a single minded vision of what he wants to do in life. My middle child is very studious, but incredibly shy and has no self confidence whatsoever. The youngest is chatty, funny and bucket loads of charm...had a bright future in sport ahead.. chucked in everything to work in Tesco.
All raised exactly the same.

They won't have been raised "exactly" the same though will they? How you described your children is exactly how my mum would describe her three. Acecdotal of course but IME eldest children are often bright, studious etc. Due to having their parents sole attention on them for a certain amount of time and a lot of input. Second children will have an elder sibling who may over shadow them/speaks for them/is jealous of them so this will impact on confidence/self esteem and third children basically raise themselves they aren't mollycoddled or hovered over and generally have to fight to be heard so this will impact on how they present themselves too.

So while you may have handled discipline the same etc. their early childhood experiences will not be the same as none had the same amount of siblings to contend with and the same levels of input/attention from their parents.

My DD went to state schools, one in special measures, did very well with no pushing from us- neither of us went to uni. She passed the Oxford test and got through to interview but no further though she got the Oxford admission grades. She’s at Durham, is also a sociable, party girl a sim immeasurably proud of her. It’s all her own work.

Maybe try accepting that he's not an extension of you and therefore neither you nor him are a failure, and look up how to help grow confidence etc?

I don't know what your school has to offer but ours has a resilience coach. Perhaps talk to his teacher and see if they have anything to help, if not then try to source things yourself.

Talk to him. Give specific praise- recognise that he put effort in, that he kept going, that he did it even though it was scary etc.

DD&I went on a waterslide today that we were both scared, said to each other that we were, but we did it and we loved it. We high fived at the end. We then said how it was better than we thought it would be etc. Lots of those little things over time show that sometimes stuff isnt as scary as we might think. Also put a restriction on screen time, I'm with Virgin and I can block certain things like Youtube at particular hours of the day.

That’s a lovely, positive post @Beckhamsmetatarsal

DS is one of those kids to the outside world. (Goes to private school). Excels at sports, gets on really well with adults, always kind and courteous when around others and is surprisingly academic (a surprise because he was as thick as mince when he was young). I've been told I'm very very lucky but to me he's a grumpy entitled fucker (we are clashing at present, I know I sound horrible but he's so rude to me, never his dad), you don't see a lot of what these kids save for their parents.

I was that child, over achiever, musical, sporty, always busy and looking for the next thing to do. I still like to be busy, sociable, involved in getting new things off the ground. My best work friend told me I'm exhausting to watch, but I get so caught up in each project/opportunity, I love it. My parents both left school at 14 with no qualifications and had no idea what to do with me. I didn't go to private school. I have two degrees, an MA and a number of professional qualifications. My brother is a skilled niche tradesman, earns well, but was lazy and unmotivated as a child and to a large extent still is, other than in his work where he is a bit of a perfectionist. Some of it is personality type.

Meh. Way too much focus (and so pressure) on kids to be something, anything from childhood now.

Build a relationship with your kid, listen to them, notice what their interests are and facilitate them. Show them what is and isn't acceptable, teach them to listen to you too.

Too much emphasis is placed on ferrying kids to endless activities - parents that are so proud that DC are out every night of the week doing something as if it's a magic ticket to guarantee 'success'. Anyway, I digress.

Connect with your kid, be present (not always, but alot), support, don't nag constantly what they should be doing - notice their strengths and encourage them. Don't protect them from small set-backs, these are useful, do protect them from harm.

Love them through the bits when they are as acting like oiks, don't enable poor behavior but do try to unpick what's going on.

Don't be smug or compare negatively to other children- both are pits that are not useful to fall into!

@Twinkie01

But extracurricular activities are hugely beneficial. I would say essential unless money or circumstances really don’t permit them. Especially sport / exercise based ones. I am passionate about my children doing them because of the benefits of fitness, skills (which are very often transferable to other sports even when the child gives up that particular one), ability to get on with different groups of children and to relate to adults. School alone does not provide all of that. Getting my children to understand that is another matter at times .

Excellent post @Nayday

Its the personality of the child but also the family culture. Are you active and sociable and with different interests? Do they have a chance to chat with different kids and adults outside school and sports?

But extracurricular activities are hugely beneficial. I would say essential unless money or circumstances really don’t permit them.

Yes they are, but in moderation - some poor kids seem to have no time to actually relax these days! Also, some are pushed into doing things because it is "good for them", but if they don't enjoy what they are doing then it most certainly isn't "good". When I was a child - aeons ago - I participated in a few activities, but most of my time was spent using my imagination - either at home alone, or playing with my friends. I can't say the extracurricular activities benefitted me any more than that did.

There are a lot of MNers who equate success with higher education and/or a good job - that is not how I measure success at all.

@DisorganisedOrganiser agree with your post, clubs have tonnes of benefits - ahem - if your kid actually wants to do them. If not, waste of time. Or actually, not a waste of time but rather the parent creates a pattern of 'I'll nag you to do this worthy activity, rather than support you to find your thing'. Hence we have uni students whose parents are helping them with essays/secondary school kids with parents doing their revision timetables. It's ok to not let your kid fall, but sometimes stumbling a little through the unknown is good for them. How that relates to clubs is if you as parent, decide said club is good for x,y, z - well that's great for you, well done. But child has to learn for themselves by learning to follow their interest. In other words, motivation.

I do see those points but what if the child doesn’t want to do anything at all? They can’t just do nothing? Lots of people have zero motivation. That’s not something I can encourage.

Do you just tell them they have to pick something? You are also limited by budget and location. My kids would love to ice skate for instance but we have no ice rink near enough to go to on a regular basis which is a shame.

I did hardly a few activities as a child but none at a high level and always desperately wanted to do more. I want my children to have the opportunities that I never got until I went to university when I could finally take up a sport seriously.

Thankfully my children do enjoy some activities but I wish they did a lot more. There are others that I wish they would do but they want free time as well, despite having loads of free time! I also have to say I do override them with swimming. It has always been a non-negotiable life skill in my book.

I'll be totally honest, and say I learned the above re clubs first hand. Really 'encouraged' DC last year to continue to do a sport they'd done since young. He insisted he was done. I backed off despite my internal gnashing of teeth re fitness and team skills etc. A few months afterwards he asked if he can try a sport, it was possible so he found out details and we took him. I didn't see his interest in that sport coming and wouldn't have thought to have arranged it for him. Months later, he does it, likes it - and there's zero nagging from me because ultimately, it's his choice to be there in the first place.

He’ll be fine! When our ds started out at his school (private) he was 8 as well and his teacher said she’s yet to see ‘his love of learning’, I laughed privately and thought ‘this is good as you’re gonna get’. He’s now at university, on the deans list, highly motivated and studying engineering.
I think he just grew up is all!

That gives me some hope, thanks Nayday.

@DisorganisedOrganiser I hear you, and it's hard but, and I say this gently - your own wish as a kid to do more activities is not the same as your kids desire to do them now and you can't make up for that. Your kids are not going to miss out, you're clearly supportive and want to give this to them. The hard part is that if you "push' too hard you turn that positive support into a negative, and they will either do it reluctantly or just push back to all and refuse everything. Motivation is always an internal driver - you can see if you can light an external spark if course, but that's about as far as it goes.

@DisorganisedOrganiser I can relate to a lot of your post, even the activities as a kid, and swimming being a must! 😂