How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

I have 4 kids. 2 are super motivated, confident, hard working, popular. The other 2 are the complete opposite - lazy, disruptive, in trouble at school. All are privately educated and we've been careful to provide the same opportunities for all. I think it's luck and just down to their personality. All boys.

"You want your child to be the person they're meant to be."

THIS.

Perfect!

@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea - spot on. This is where I find MN so depressing. Success only comes in 9 A*s, sporting prowess, RG or Oxbridge and a glittering career in London.

God forbid that you should aspire for your children to be their own people who aren't over achievers from the moment they could walk.

Sorry to sound like a Whitney Houston record but the greatest gift you can give your children is to love them for who they are, "warts and all". Some of us are actually quite happy being mediocre. Some of the unhappiest people that I have met have been over achieving since childhood.

This is an 8 year old boy fgs. Let him dig for worms and wear pants on his head if it makes him happy

I think the pandemic has had a huge effect which cannot be underestimated. Like alot of people me and DH were working so DC both at home for a long time alone.

My DS (12)is very confident with talking to anyone, adults, teachers people he does not know. He is doing really well at school but, he does not go out with friends, not interested in extra curricular activities, would rather stay in the house, he can be very moody, short tempered and hates homework. Noone but myself and DH see this side. We encourage him to come out with us, try to instill the need to do homework etc. His bedroom is immaculate and he folds his clothes and prepares them for the next day.

My dd (13) was always the uncomfortably shy one, adults always made such a fuss about it, her not saying hello, it is like she was frozen, I didn't push her we just continued to demonstrate social etiquette. Dd has now gained confidence and will talk in class including to adults, still limited but, she does, I think she is an introvert but that's fine, she is doing well at school and has a small group of friends. I talk to her and she knows I understand her and as a result we have a great relationship she is however maddeningly untidy.

Both DC go to state secondary, I have always told them just try your best, I praise what they do, we have discussed university etc but there is no pressure, they need to do what makes them happy. My DC are individuals with their own personality, I encourage and support them to make the right decisions. They are well behaved so I don't care about what other children are like.

School but s important, parent and child relationship is important but, they are individuals, praise them for that, we don't need carbon copies. What happens is everyone wants to be a doctor. It is not all about status. Children have had the hardest time in the last couple if years. DC need to know it is ok to make a mistake and not do something they don't want to.
Children grow up fast enjoy and nurture them. I know that sounds perfect and at times I get fed up with it all but they are learning.

My son's at private school. He's not like that at all. He's very popular, intelligent and fun (when he's in the right mood) but not at all motivated to work, study or do hobbies. I think he's just one of those people that needs to find his passion and isn't going to waste his time on anything he's not interested in.

I've tried him with loads of activities btw and I haven't been a passive parent but if a child is stubborn enough you have to pick your battles or you'd be in constant conflict.

I don't think he'll be a drop out or a cocklodger but I also don't think he'll be a corporate lawyer or an accountant!

I went to private school and I’m neither confident, nor sparkly. My DS can be brilliantly confident around others but a bit of a whinge pot, lazy bum at home. I’m lazy so he’s got that from me.

There’s a lot of pressure for kids to be high achieving, sociable, sporty, artistic, intelligent, charming and beautiful. But the world just doesn’t work like that. No one is all those things. I just try to encourage DS to be kind to others and himself. I’m awful to myself so if he can manage to have a kinder inner voice than I do, I’ll be chuffed.

I don't think any child is like this all the time. I also don't think that children who are sparky and confident on the outside are necessarily happy and confident on the inside (although of course they can be). My DD's best friend would seem to fit your description exactly- sparky, outwardly confident, great conversationalist, highly motivated...and recently hospitalised with anorexia. All kids are complex, all of them have ups and downs.

In terms of the specifics of your question, I would start by not comparing your son to an imagined ideal. Encourage him to explore his interests, even if they don't fit with what you'd like him to be interested in. Limit screen time- it is addictive and 8 is very young. Have fun with him and stop thinking in terms of producing a "type"- he's an individual.

Sorry for typos. Where I said I don't care what other children are like, I meant I don't compare or wish my DC were more like someone else's. It sounded horrible when I read it back.

Do you really think you wouldn't be worried about your child if they were anxious, holed away all the time, showing signs of addictive behaviour in relation to screens, bored, unhappy, no friends, constantly looking to you to entertain them? That's not a personality, it's a sign they aren't coping very well. Of course you want to know how to get them engaging more with life.

It's not necessarily about not accepting them for who they are. I've always encouraged DS1 in the areas he's interested in for the coding, drawing, writing etc. I wouldn't be concerned at all if those were just the things he liked, and indeed I'm not concerned now he;s a bit older and seems to have come into himself more. Yes I joke about how he likes to sit in his bedroom in the dark in a fug of BO and old plates but as long as he's happy and not self destructive then that's fine - he's nearly a teenager.

I was seriously worried that he'd start secondary school, discover the instant hit of drugs, alcohol and while male supremacist memes and end up on a path that would severely hamper his adult life. Nobody wants that for their child. Of course any child can get involved with drugs etc but I think it's much more likely if they are generally unhappy about life.

You say he is lovely but sound disappointed he isn't this "ideal child" , which tbh sounds exhausting. He does take part in some activities but doesnt enjoy them. Maybe he just needs to chill more and will find an interest in his own time, which you can then support. There is so much pressure on parents to live up to an ideal

@TheWholeJingbang

Well reading this back - maybe he’s not NT at all And I should get him checked out

He is ok with kids but anybody even slightly older and he massively clams up

Maybe he’s just a massive introvert

One of mine went through this stage, but is quite charming now.

It's not private school, I have close relatives who go to very good private schools but they don't have the motivation for much and I think most things will be dropped once they are allowed. My DS is at state secondary and is brighter, not insecure unlike private school relatives and very charismatic. Like someone else said I think it is about self esteem. I've never given him the impression that he is a disappointment and I recognise him for being an individual basically not a mini me or a mini version of my husband. I think you see so many parents, especially as the children become teens who believe that they will be naturally driven by the interests they had. Equally, they don't let them explore what they want, their lives are micromanaged and scheduled, how does parenting like that encourage creativity and self confidence?

[quote KnobJockey]@SomethingLiteraryYearOfBirth why not? How we behave and parent has a big effect, and 'those' kids that the OP is talking about are often the ones who come out and meet the expectation of a successful life. If there's something we can do, why not?[/quote]
Hmm. You can be a tiger parent and have fights every single day with your children.

Or you can let them be and choose your battles.

And those who go on to be successful may well have mental health problems from all the pressure put on them when they were children. There isn't an easy answer.

It's not down to "parenting" though - kids have their own make-up and own personalities and will find their own way. They won't stay in a hobby because their parents want them to, unless they are extraordinary people pleasers (and then they will just be unhappy later).

I'm a teacher at a state school and have been heavily involved in transition including running a summer school. All of our students have been like this post covid. Lazy, not at all interested or motivated in doing anything. They dont want clubs or trips or even 'fun' lessons. They just want to sit and do something like a worksheet that is easily completed. Give yourself a break, we are trying to work out what to do as it's a real problem for a lot of kids

Are you one of those sparky motivated people who goes to lots of social clubs by yourself, always has a hobby going on and likes doing things like extra study and drama groups or archery or whatever it is? Do you keep off your screen also? İ think you have to lead by example.

@crochetmonkey74. That's depressing to hear...it's awful what Covid and repeated lockdowns has done to children's motivation and energy levels .

What age group do you work with?

I think it's complex. My DDs were both like that at primary school - no private schools, just normal state primaries. We were a happy family and yes, we did the middle class things like going to museums, talking about current affairs and politics, all that stuff. I also read to them every night until DD1 was 13.

But they both had stages where life was tough, for a lot of reasons, and it's only now that DD1 is 20 that she is really blossoming again. She absolutely does come across as sparky, motivated, confident and articulate. It's taken hard work and much therapy to get there after some really tough life events. DD2 is just starting to feel ready to engage with therapy properly after those same life events.

I think at 8 your DS has a lot of time yet to grow into himself. Comparing him to others isn't helpful.

I suggest doing everything you can to cultivate a 'Growth Mindset'. My DC's school recommended these resources and they have had a very powerful impact!

www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Developing-a-Positive-Attitude-BUNDLE-3-Amazing-Interactive-Lessons-7130791

[quote Goldbar]@crochetmonkey74. That's depressing to hear...it's awful what Covid and repeated lockdowns has done to children's motivation and energy levels .

What age group do you work with?[/quote]
11-18
It's our younger students that are most like this, something we have not seen before. Our year 7 are not the same at all. I really think the pandemic has caused it. Year 6 is crucial in terms of social confidence , that sense of growing up and being ready for big school. That being so disrupted has had a big ripple effect I think. Dont get me wrong the kids are lovely people but are lethargic, larger than normal, meek and unwilling to mix. I've been teaching 23 years and not seen this before

My DD is like this, she's nearly 10 full of enthusiasm for life, academic, sporty and artistic. But she can get anxious and frustrated if she doesn't get something 'Just right'.

My 7yo DS is much less confident, happiest at home with his teddies and iPad. Perhaps feels a little in his sisters shadow but glows when he achieves something. He's great at making friends and can be much easier going.

Neither are privately educated but as parents we put a strong emphasis on learning, respecting school rules and kindness. I had post natal depression after son was born and he had a lot of health problems which I feel like set us both back, but he's got his own charm and energy I know will shine as he gets more confident.

It's luck but I also think there's something about encouragement, positivity and never slating school etc in front of the kids, always celebrating their success (in words) and having high expectations of their behaviour. It's when I flag and cba they pick up on it and it rubs off.

It's our younger students that are most like this, something we have not seen before. Our year 7 are not the same at all. I really think the pandemic has caused it. Year 6 is crucial in terms of social confidence , that sense of growing up and being ready for big school. That being so disrupted has had a big ripple effect I think. Dont get me wrong the kids are lovely people but are lethargic, larger than normal, meek and unwilling to mix. I've been teaching 23 years and not seen this before

That's so interesting.

My Ds is 13. He and his friends barely leave their houses. In year 6...he was much more outgoing and sociable. I put his new found lethargy and disinterest down to his age but now I'm wondering if it been due to the pandemic

comedycook yes we normally see lethargy in year 9 as part of normal adolescence but by then, they've been with us for 2 years and we can almost joke them out of it "yeah yeah you're a teenager, everything is boring" and the kids go along with it and jolly themselves out of it. Or as teachers , we can say "well tough, you're doing it" and again, they know the limits. This is different now though, this is not teenage reticence or idleness. This is almost like they are paralysed into doing only stuff they know already or places they know already. It's even trickled down to their work. We have always run a diorama competition in year 7 , it's been so popular previously. This year, hardly any entries at all and lots of kids asking can't they just do a picture online instead. I think the need to stay in our houses, go on screens (for work not just leisure) has robbed them of a lot of childhood experiences and joys

Mine are at private - having been in state.

I would say better discipline and willingness to enforce it at private school.
Very focussed on DCs as individuals and work around their issues to help. Help them develop an identity notparrot their parents / friends views - well at least at my DCS school.

Both know I am paying +++ and minimum standards are expected within their abilities.
No homework done, means they lose the school privilege they are there for ( sport related) etc

I explained in simple terms how many flights home to NZ they were costing - the look on their faces was priceless. Bear ing in mind we used to go 1/2 per year depending on family comitments - eldest worked out that if he was not in expensive school then we could fly business class - well he could!

I wish I knew. My 8 year old boy is bright but lazy. Can not be bothered, untidy handwriting, tears every time getting him to do homework.

I have a couple of people on my Facebook who post about their kids and put endless smug comments about their parenting like ‘you get out what you put in’ and ‘#goodparenting’ 🤢 as if they’re the only parent in the world who reads to their child or helps with homework.

I have a friend who said her son was the same throughout primary but something clicked at secondary and he did his homework and revised so that’s what I’m hoping for.

@crochetmonkey74. Thanks for your reply. How incredibly sad