How do I get one of THOSE children

[Elmoandbert]

What is it that makes a child motivated, busy, sparky, confident...you know, those children that private schools seem to produce. Is it the school or the parenting? Both?

My son is 8 and is lovely most of the time but just comes across as being lazy, bored, unconfident, addicted to screens, like a teenager in many ways,the complete opposite of this.

He takes part in a few extracurricular activities but just says how much he hates them. I am at my wits end and feeling like a failure.

It’s an interesting question. I have 4 x DC who are all different academically speaking, but teachers seem to love them. DD1 academically brilliant but extremely lazy. She had great motivation in a large state school but lost it in a small international fee paying school. DD2, quiet, dyslexic, sporty. Great sporting achievements. Academically average but keen to learn and tries hard. DD3 and DD4 are the two like you describe. Outgoing, lots of friends, academically bright, motivated etc. No difference in parenting style. I would say I’m somewhat strict but not overly so. I also let them learn and grow from their mistakes and help them to make better choices. That’s it really.

"It really isn't your parenting. It's personality. And luck.

I'm a very average parent - reasonably good at some bits of parenting and pretty crap at others. DH likewise (I'd say that he is even more average than me, but he might disagree.grin) However, DD makes us look like fucking amazing parents and as a result, I get loads of people asking me for advice.

I genuinely don't have any - it's just luck and she just is who she is. Very confident, very positive, very kind, very outgoing and full of enthusiasm for just about anything she does. The kind of kid who gets straight 9s while excelling in loads of extracurricular stuff and having loads of really nice friends. It sounds like I'm boasting, which genuinely isn't my intention. My point is that I have no right to boast because she just turned out like that, we can't take the credit for it. My friend who is an infinitely wiser and more patient parent than I could ever be has two children who are very different from each other but each very challenging. Again, just luck. And even though they are challenging they are also both wonderful in their own ways.

We get the children we are given. We do what we can through parenting them as well as we can and by encouraging them to engage with school, extracurricular activities etc, but ultimately, we don't get to control who they are. They each have their own unique nature, their own strengths and weaknesses, their own personalities and interests. They will be whoever they are meant to be.

She goes to a state comprehensive by the way."

For some weird reason the above made me want to cry as its just so true and spoken from the heart. I have seen a good friend with twins who go to private - one is highly academic and a total school swot - on for straights 9's and plays piano etc probably going to work for Nasa - aged 15 and doesn't like the idea alcohol or swearing etc The other twin who is just as bright has rebelled entirely and doesn't want to do A levels but have a more freestyle life. Very lazy and negative about a lot of things despite having so many privileges, a very affluent lifestyle and a loving mum and doting Dad.

So private school definitely not the total answer although they may be good for some in that expectations and standards are higher - but thats not always the case and i have friends whose children in hindsight would have suited a state comp more. I do think lazy is often a word used too liberally with boys and sometimes its a mask for not believing in themselves. Bringing other good, inspiring people/coaches/tutors in to their lives can help. I have found too much pressure doesn't work. Working on your relationship at the different stages and accepting them for where they are right now and not seeing current behaviour as necessarily the ultimate future prediction.

He's addicted to screens: deal with that. Limit screen time. Offer other activities - are you taking him places and leaving him (organised activities/cub/scouts/after school stuff?) or going doing things together.

Find an activity he'll like. It might take some time.

My dd has ASD she will never be one of 'those children'.

A lot of it is luck.

But some is parenting, obvs. As a bare minimum I hope my kids know I love them unconditionally rather than comparing them unfavorabley to their peers.

My question is WHY do you want one of "those" children?

I know a few of those that you described and a majority of them are overwhelmed by the expectation on them to participate and generally over achieve.

I'm of the opinion that if my kids want to join a club or pursue a hobby then let's do it. If they chose not to then that's fine too.

Place marking

Mines at a v good private school and he sounds just like yours.

I recommend
strictly limit screen time
Actively engage your entire attention on shared one to one time; read to him, play board games or cards, eat and talk at the table. Let him help adult tasks that help him learn basic skills (cooking, washing up, DIY, gardening, cleaning the car) .

Make sure he gets enough sleep and gets up early enough for a good unhurried breakfast and a bit of fresh air (walk to school; park further away and walk with him); just simple but rest and fuel makes a huge difference to social and class engagement at school.

Walk, run, bike, swim, play football WITH him.

@Brighterblighter

I don't see screen time has any correlations at all to whether dc turn out bright or confident.

Then you need to educate yourself. There are huge amounts of research. When the brain is developing, screen time has many damaging effects on perception and social development. Which are the bricks and mortar of learning and confidence.

healthmatters.nyp.org/what-does-too-much-screen-time-do-to-childrens-brains/

In 20 years time, we're going to regard children spending hours on screens, in the same light as sending them up chimneys and down mines.

Enjoy the child you have, not the one you think you'd like.

They are their own person, worthy of you telling them (a lot) that you are proud of them for the qualities they have. That's where their confidence comes from. Don't waste time feeling discontented as the years fly by, it achieves nothing and is the thief of joy. At worst, DC pick up on it and you risk doing the opposite of instilling confidence and endeavour. You have to be their biggest cheerleader, because putting it bluntly the rest of the world doesn't care.

Its easy for parents to get caught up in the idea of trying to mould DC into a future high achieving *insert profession, especially as yours is 8 so you'll be hearing the aspirations of other parents for their DC in playground chatter. Parents can be very competitive but try not to get suckered in. We are also conditioned to rate our teenagers by a set of GCSE results and they deserve so much more. Will my indy school DC go to university? I dunno and couldn't give a fuck its more important they're happy now. They're only at indy coz we live in the arse end of nowhere BTW.

Limit screen time, give chores, offer access to a huge range of activities not just sports. Some seeds you sow will flourish others will wither but that's parenting.

My son took 2 extra years to finish high school , was never interested in extracuricular activities, always a fight to see him in bed.
Always on PlayStation and never opening a book.
To my surprise he is an amazing police officer now.
Your child might have hidden treasure just be revealed in time

Who chooses his extracurricular activities? No point in sending him if he doesn’t like it. I think you’re putting too much pressure on him. Maybe he is tired after school and just wants to relax. Let him be himself and encourage his own interests. Don’t knock his addiction to screens, computer skills are a valuable asset

I think Private School often provides that “polish” of confidence. It can easily tip into an air of arrogance though so a fine line..I’m not so sure about the lazyness - loads of posh kids I went to uni with were entitled brats who had always had someone supervising their prep so came unstuck when they had to pull their fingers out.

I’d like my kids to be confident and articulate so I do things like shove them into holiday clubs where they don’t know anyone and encourage them to do things like ask for items at the shop, order their own drink at a cafe etc. When they are older, I will encourage them into a customer facing after school or weekend job. It’s hard though - some kids are just more introverted and that’s fine too. I suppose I just think it is usually helpful to be confident.

My son is like this. Not sure how he got like it really, both DH are quite like that and we have always encouraged him and enrolled him into new things. Praised him for effort rather than ability, made an effort with lots of social activities and taken him out and about a lot- whether he wanted to or not!

But on the negative side wity confidence comes the back chat, rudeness and an answer for everything plus an inability to listen sometimes as he's determined his way is the right way. It's not all good, I wouldn't mind if he's less confident.

My son was practically feral at that age, he tried all sorts of activities, but didn’t stick with any. He was obviously bright, but primary school was just where he went on weekdays to see his mates and get told off by teachers. Once he went to secondary he settled down almost overnight, and began to do well. He was still more interested in his Xbox and other stuff than school though! Now he’s one year into A levels and he’s really changed, studious, focussed and knows it’s all down to effort. Don’t worry about your DS @Elmoandbert he’ll get there!

Chill out for gods sake
My boys were like this and they've grown into very successful high functioning adults

I teach at 2 private schools and there is the same variation of personalities as in state schools. You get sparky, motivated kids in both, and disinterested kids in both. They also change a lot during their school life, so don't worry OP.

Some kids thrive in organized, micromanaged, competitive activities, others don't.
As for gaming, if you made it a chore and demanded to achieve a certain level and score, any love would also disappear soon enough.

I just wanted to note that there is some weird sentiment in some of the comments on here about children being made to participate in activities.
I don’t believe it is even possible to make the child to do activity he doesn’t enjoy, and I certainly never saw or heard of anyone doing it.

On the other hand of course a child will not out of the blue ask to join some club he knows nothing about. And if he does than more likely than not for wrong reasons.

You need to just expose expose expose to different things and then usually something clicks (this can also change as the child matures).

@lollipoprainbow I have ASD and I actually was one of ‘those’ kids at school.. or maybe more accurately, I learned to pretend to be. Straight As, main parts in school plays, all the awards and certificates, music prizes, chosen for inter-school debates, always getting involved in things and full of enthusiasm. One massive pile of over-achieving anxiety.
For what it’s worth, I’m encouraging my dd (also ASD) just to be her lovely self and not to burn herself out trying to impress other people. So far, I like her more than I liked myself at the same age - she’s more genuine, more strong-minded, more honest. Being true to yourself is the most important thing I think and it took me a long time to discover that. There are different ways to be successful - being a popular, busy extrovert isn’t the only way.

My daughter is the type you describe. She’s intelligent, confident etc. She started out in state school and has started private a year ago (year 5). She was how she is prior to the move to private though so it’s nothing to do with that. It’s her personality. My son in the other hand is the complete opposite. He’s a wild tearaway. He’s at the nursery attached to the private school dd goes to. So nothing to do with private schools. Just two kids with the same parents but very very different personalities

You don’t see other kids 24/7 like your own. All kids have some bad days...just like the rest of us!!
They’ve also had a strange 18 months. Don’t stress it, actually just the fact you’ve posted this OP probably speaks volumes that you are doing a great job.

Not so much luck, rather genes I think.

@SomethingLiteraryYearOfBirth

Are people seriously answering this post?

Well quite. I've only got this far and can't believe the question and answers....